My Blue River (10 page)

“I said, you look hot,” said Jack. He began to stammer. “I—I mean, like h—heat—heat—hot, like you’ve been in the sun too long, your skin…your skin is getting a little red, I mean, I’m sorry, I—” his tongue got tied with utter frustration.

As amusing as this moment was, I cut him off to spare him the embarrassment. “I know what you mean, Jack. It’s okay.”
It would be fine if he thought I was the other kind of hot, too
. In fact, I felt a bit deflated that he didn’t mean he thought I was attractive.

“We should head back. I need to help my dad with the irrigation.” He put his hand out to help me up from the ground. He forgot how strong he was and pulled too hard. I stumbled into his chest. His arms caught me around my waist and our bodies slammed into one another’s. The feel of his hands touching my bare skin was a better rush than the jump off The Cliffs. I looked up and found his face close to mine. Our lips were in very close proximity to one another’s. My pulse quickened as our eyes locked. I wondered if a kiss was coming my way and then I wondered if I would stop it. He leaned in ever so slightly, my heart raced but right then he seemed to change his mind and leaned back. I released the breath I had been holding while he released the hold on my waist. Our chests were rising and falling rapidly as we stepped back from one another.

“I’m so sorry, Addy. I didn’t mean to pull you up so hard.”

“Jack, please, you’ve got to stop being so apologetic. Seriously, it’s fine. Thanks for helping me up.”

“No problem.” We both blushed profusely knowing what could have happened and what probably would have been quite enjoyable. Not sharing a kiss was for the best. I had no intention of dating anyone, even though Jack was a huge temptation. He was a Blue River cowboy and simply put, he could never be the one for me.

********

Jack’s Journal

Sunday, August 1

I invited Addy to the Cooper beach today. She has no idea I actually cleared that with her parents first. It’s a matter of respect for me, I guess. I know there is a lot of work to do on their home but I hoped her parents would agree she needed a break and thankfully, they did.

On the ride to the beach she joked about how behind the times we are in Blue River. Guess she won’t be shocked to find out that I don’t own a computer or a cell phone. She might be shocked to find out that I keep this hand written journal in a brown leather-bound book. It may even creep her out. Ouch. Hope that doesn’t happen.

I wasn’t actually sure if she had the guts to get into the river so I gave her a little help. That didn’t work out very well. She was beyond mad. I was acting like I was thirteen—how ridiculous. But we recovered from our “fight.” She even managed to jump from the cliffs. I feel a little guilty—I mean—I truly wanted to spend time with her but her lean, tan body wearing a skimpy, turquoise bikini was a complete bonus to the day. As the day ended, my mouth got ahead of my brain and I ended up saying what was in my head. It was innocent enough but I looked like a fool. I said, “You look hot” and tried to explain what I meant was that she looked as though she had had too much sun. I mean, yeah, she’s hot in the most physical way, too, but her skin looked seriously red. I couldn’t let her burn. I had to sound stupid as I blundered through each word, attempting to explain myself.

I like her for her. She could have a third eye and one leg, and I would still want to be with her. She is actually pretty funny. I like her sense of humor and even though she is pretty sarcastic, I like it. She’s a challenge and who doesn’t like a challenge?

Before I made the “you look hot” blunder, I made a stupid comment that she would be the high school’s “fresh meat” but she laughed. Why did I say that? “Fresh Meat” sounds like something Mac or Zeek would say. Once again, I’d like to kick the crap out of myself!

Guess my nerves got the best of me right from the beginning. I hope she couldn’t tell. When she went back inside the house for a swimsuit, I tried to casually lean against my Jeep, but I misjudged how far I was standing from the jeep and nearly fell. I caught myself on the mirror, nearly yanking it out. I quickly recovered and assumed my casual position right before she came back out.

Despite each part of the day I would change if I could, I hope I scored some points with Addy today. I hope she finds me to be someone she wants to spend her time with. I know I want more than friendship but I also know she probably doesn’t. I’m not sure why I didn’t take the opportunity to kiss her today. That might have been a good way to find out if she is interested in me at all. I pulled her up from the blanket and she fell into my chest and I couldn’t help it. I held her. I held her real close actually. I think I was in shock that I was touching her bare skin. Our lips were close enough that I almost kissed her but I pulled back, which is really weird because I wanted to kiss her all day. I guess it wasn’t the right moment. The moment I leaned in, it popped into my mind that she would reject me and then I would feel like an idiot and then I would have to see her each day feeling foolish. I have to be more careful and not take those types of chances.

8. Texting

It felt as though it had been an eternity since I had been able to talk to my best friend, Sheridan, but I knew that was my over-dramatization of how time passed in Blue River. She would be mad that I hadn’t contacted her and would insist that I had forgotten her and replaced her with a Montana rodeo queen for a best friend—that would be
her
over-dramatization. The day I had waited for with baited breath was finally upon me. Blue River got its cell phone tower working which meant I finally had service. I could explain my lack of communication to Sheridan and more importantly, I wanted to share my new, sad, and pathetic life with her while slipping in the exciting details of Jackson Cooper.

I wanted to tell her about every moment involving Jack and how he made my heart skip not only one, but two or three beats. I wanted to tell her how one look from him made me feel flush and alive. I wanted to tell her how Jack and I had become in perfect proximity to share a kiss and yet we didn’t; temptation and resistance were a mixture of perfect torment.

I dialed each digit with trembling fingers. I couldn’t decide if I had truly missed Sheridan that much or if just thinking of Jack gave me jittery hands. After several rings, her mother answered and told me Sheridan was out shopping, or at a party, she didn’t remember which one. Typical. Her parents were the most relaxed parents I had ever known and luckily for Sheridan, they paid little attention to her. On most days, they didn’t know where she was or who she was with. I envied her freedom yet deep down I couldn’t help but wonder what trouble she was getting herself into. Sheridan could be very careless at times. I couldn’t remember a moment in my life where my parents didn’t interrogate me on every detail of my plans. I cursed myself for realizing that was probably really smart on their part.

As I was deciding my next move, I reflected on the day at the beach. More importantly, I reflected on how closely Jack had held me in his arms. I thought of how incredibly exciting that felt and how close our lips had been to one another’s. I felt his breath on my cheek. I shivered as I recalled the moment.

I had always been the type of girl who was particular about who I kissed in an intimate way, so I knew it had to mean something significant that I wished Jack had kissed me at The Beach. I didn’t mean a peck on the cheek or slight lip kiss. I wanted a passionate kiss from Jack.

I let out a heavy sigh. I desperately needed to talk this dilemma through with Sheridan. She would make me realize how silly it would be to have a relationship with Jack. She would remind me I was a California girl destined to return to her native state. I would never live in Montana and although it would probably be wonderful to share a small portion of my life with Jack, doing so would be absurd. We couldn’t have a relationship. Despite his inner and outer beauty, I was destined for a life very different from what life in Blue River had to offer and very different from what Jack wanted for his future.

I sent my first text message:

Addy:
Hey, Sheridan.

She immediately responded.

Sheridan:
Well look who is still alive! I’ve been wondering about u! Thinking u replaced me with a cowgirl 4 BFF.

I smirked.
I knew I would be right!

Addy:
Barely alive here. U won’t believe this place. R ur parents still letting u come 4 spring break?

Sheridan:
Yeah, I can’t wait 2 see u. Tell me all about Cow Town.

I snickered.
Cow Town—that’s pretty funny
. That may be a better name for Blue River than One Horse. When I told Sheridan what I called it, I had to explain it was more of an expression and then explain what it meant. Then she asked
the
question—

Sheridan:
Any cute boys up there? Maybe farmers do it with their boots on Ha! Ha!

Addy:
I don’t plan to find out how farmers do ANYTHING. Remember—I’m out of here as soon as I graduate. Can’t wait for us 2 B roommates.

My thoughts wandered
. I really would love to know how Jack did anything.
It didn’t take more than a few seconds for Sheridan to respond.

Sheridan:
I know. Can’t wait. U didn’t answer. Hotties? U could have some fun while u r there.

Sheridan had always been more promiscuous than I had been. In fact, I wasn’t promiscuous at all. She made me feel silly about my commitment to wait for marriage. I remember her cackling at the word virtue and then asking, “Wait. What does virtue mean?” I didn’t care what century we lived in. I wasn’t raised that way and it was important to me that I keep my virginity intact. I couldn’t even kiss a guy unless I felt strongly about them.
Huh, I guess that’s probably why I haven’t kissed too many boys
. But I had kissed enough to know what physical chemistry was and I was yet to experience a kiss that equaled what just one look from Jack did to me.

Although I had been dying to talk to her about my situation, I now heavily debated whether I should go into any further details about my life in Montana and especially about Jack. It immediately brought back the memory that ever since we were young girls and began to notice boys, Sheridan would tend to desire whoever I wanted. Since she had plans to visit Blue River for spring break, a slight jolt of fear shot through me. I always acted like it didn’t bother me but in all reality, it always got under my skin. Even though I found myself literally squirming at the thought of Sheridan flirting with someone I wasn’t even willing to make my own, I told her about Jack. Before I could think it through I replied.

Addy:
              There’s 1 guy.

Sheridan:
Tell me! Don’t leave anything out!

Addy:
1 word—hot! Nice 2. Total gentleman. Don’t freak. Just friends.

Sheridan:
Come on! Have fun while u r there!

Addy:
Why? Seems like that would be dumb. Who wants their heart broken?

Sheridan:
Who said anything about ur heart? U invest 2 much. U always have. Guess this is best. Don’t want u turning into a teenaged, farmer’s wife who lives in a shack shoveling pig shit and gathering eggs from roosters.

Addy:
Roosters don’t lay eggs.

Sheridan:
What?! What are you talking about?

Addy:
Never mind. Go on.

Sheridan:
Don’t change the plans. I’ll be pissed.

Addy:
Don’t worry. No danger there. What’s up in Cali?

I decided changing the subject would be a really good idea. Sheridan’s favorite subject was herself, so shifting the conversation was a piece of cake. She filled me in on how life in California was and how all of our friends were enjoying beach parties. I felt jealous and homesick. She talked of boating, surfing, body boarding, tanning, beach barbeques and bonfires. I was nearly brought to tears and yet, as I thought of Jack and the idea of not seeing him on a daily basis, I felt sick to my stomach.

My mom called up to me saying dinner was ready and I felt both relief and regret. I promised to keep her posted. I was relieved to finally have access to the real world—my world—but regret for not being there with her.

I reminded myself once more that the feelings I had for Jack were inappropriate and possibly preposterous. I reminded myself over and over again that Jack and I could only be friends.