My Blue River (19 page)

Time escaped me. I lost track of how long I had been on the porch swing, but when that familiar brown Jeep Wrangler entered the driveway, I was suddenly very aware of everything around me. He was driving so slow the gravel barely crackled under his tires.

Jack got out and was almost to the house when I called out, “You a stalker now, Jack Cooper?”

“Very funny. No. I—it’s just that—I,” he stammered. “I came here to apologize.”

My eyes flickered briefly to his bandaged left hand but I ignored the urge to ask him about it. “Apologize for what? Didn’t you and Mandy have a good time?” I was taunting him and I knew it, yet I couldn’t seem to help myself.

“Yeah, I mean, no, I mean…it was okay taking Mandy, but I did it out of spite and that’s not right.”

“Well, then, sounds like you owe
her
the apology.”

He let out an exasperated sigh. “I know and I promise, I’ll apologize to her but Addy, you knew I was jealous. Can you please make this a little easier? It drove me nuts that you accepted a date with Mac. I thought you were just trying to make me jealous, so I retaliated and asked Mandy.”

“Well, thanks for your honesty, but I didn’t accept Mac’s invitation to make you jealous. Mac knows you and I are
just friends
, and he also knows I don’t plan to date anyone. He’s good with it. He asked me as a friend because he didn’t want to be alone when he was crowned homecoming king.”

“Really? That’s not at all what he was telling half the football team. He’s fairly certain he can change your mind.”

“Hmm, that’s interesting, because so do you.”

He had no response.
I think I stunned him into silence
.

Jack walked from where he stood at the end of the walkway. My heart pounded as each of his steps drew him nearer to me. When he stopped right in front of me, I wondered about his next move—his next words. Slowly, he leaned down to me until his face was just inches from mine.

“You know, I think someday you’ll regret being such a cold-hearted person, Addy.”

Ouch
. We exchanged an intense stare for what seemed like an eternity.

My eyes stung with tears but as confidently as I could, I retorted, “When I leave here, I won’t even care and I won’t look back. I promise you, Jack, I’ll have no regrets.”

As slowly as he had moved in, he backed away. He shook his head and muttered something about me being stubborn. We simply stared at each other until I could resist no longer and asked about the wound he was sporting.

“So, what’s up with your hand?” I asked.

“This?” He held it up. “It’s nothing. You wouldn’t care anyway.” His words had a bite to them.

Part of me knew he was right. I was so incredibly stubborn that I wouldn’t even pursue my desire to know what had happened to his hand. My gut told me it had something to do with me but we simply continued staring at each other. We both knew we were at an impasse.

“Guess I’d better get inside and see if Aaron survived the night,” I said.

“Yep, guess so,” agreed Jack.

When he turned to leave, I allowed the tears to fall over my cheeks. I furiously wiped them away.

“I will not get hurt,” I muttered. “I will not get hurt.”

********

Jack’s Journal

Saturday, October 16

Homecoming

Why do I let Addy get to me like this? She swears she didn’t accept Mac’s invitation to the homecoming dance just to make me jealous, but she had to know it would. She’s been such a little baby ever since I called her out on being spoiled. Man, she can hold a grudge! Why do I care? Never mind. I know why. But why do I want her so bad? Crap. Never mind. I know why.

I felt something for her on day one—the first time I laid eyes on her. I knew she was the one for me. I just wish she didn’t piss me off so bad! I shouldn’t have gone home after dropping Mandy off at her house because that gave me time with my thoughts, which lead to me punching the wall in my room. That was a really bad idea. I almost broke my hand and now it hurts like hell and to top it off, I have a hole in the wall to fix. This sucks. I swear, one day she and I will laugh about how she played hard to get…I hope.

17. Birthday Wishes

The month of October not only brought homecoming but also my birthday, hunting season, leaves of many colors, and in the higher elevations of the mountains, snow. Jack was a hunter, and since he no longer seemed interested in hunting me, he was off somewhere bow hunting. Part of me was relieved to see less of him since our uncomfortable homecoming games, but another part of me really missed him. The football team may have been victorious, but no one had been victorious in the Jack and Addy game.

My long awaited day of October twenty-third had finally arrived. I was eighteen and would celebrate this day with my family and Claire. I was finally an adult and I wanted to party Davis family-style. It felt like leaving Blue River and returning to California would somehow happen at a faster pace now. I started the day by marking off another day on the calendar. Almost ten blank months remained on the calendar that led to my personal victory.

I looked at myself in the mirror.
Do I look older?
Am I somehow more mature and adult-like?
As I pondered those thoughts, I heard a knock on my door.

“Honey, Claire is here,” announced Mom.

“Wow, she’s early. I’ll come down,” I responded.

“She seems upset. You might want to ask what’s wrong.”

I wanted to sarcastically reply, “Yeah, no kidding, Mom.”
She never gives me enough credit
.
Obviously, I will ask Claire what is bothering her. Obviously, I will try to help. I swear Mom’s brain has a malfunction in the common sense department
. Today was my day and I wouldn’t let her ruin it. I didn’t want to fight so without a word, I let it go.

I shook it off and skipped down the stairs, still on a high from turning eighteen. I stopped short when I saw Claire’s face. She wasn’t crying, but she looked like she’d
been
crying.

“Hey…what’s wrong?” I asked.

“Is it okay that I’m early…like really, really, early?” asked Claire.

“Of course it is. Let’s go up to my room.” I nodded in the direction of the stairs.

“And can I bring this?” She held up an overnight bag. “Can I stay?” She nearly whispered the words as she held back her tears with fierce strength. I didn’t bother asking my parents if it was okay with them. I knew it would be. I had to give them credit when it came to friends in need. They would gladly help and accept Claire into our home for as long as she needed to stay.

In the time I had grown to know Claire, I learned she hadn’t had an easy life, starting with her parent’s divorce. They divorced when she was twelve and I couldn’t help but think that was horrible timing. There was really never a good time for a family to fall apart, but at twelve a kid’s hormones are raging, their body is changing and they don’t know what is happening, but they definitely know they feel different. Everyone knows that’s a rough age but her parents couldn’t seem to make it work. I didn’t know what was worse; an absent father or an unhappy home filled with manic rage and tears. Claire’s dad simply walked out without an explanation and since that time, her mother had dabbled in a variety of stepfathers, hoping to fill the void. This year’s variety was named, Garrett.

“Claire, of course you can stay. You’re starting to scare me! What happened?” I inquired.

I gently guided her up the stairs by the arm. As soon as we entered my room, she tossed her bag to the floor and began to cry.

“Claire? What’s wrong?” I practically begged her for an answer as I wrapped my arm around her shoulders.

“It’s my mom, well, my mom and Garrett, well, mostly Garrett. What an asshole. I got into it with him about how much he sucks and how he’s incapable of treating my mom the way she deserves to be treated. I don’t know why she puts up with him.”

“Oh, Claire. I’m so sorry.” As much as my brain was telling my lips to stay closed, I couldn’t help but point out the similarities Claire shared with her mom.

“Who does that sound like?” I said pointedly.

Claire cocked her head to the side. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I’m talking about you, my friend. Ethan treats you the same way Garrett treats your mom. You hate how your mom is treated and yet you put up with how your boyfriend treats you. Are you afraid of not having a relationship? By the way, when exactly did you stop loving yourself?”

She was shocked, but able to quickly respond with, “When exactly did you ransack your mom’s library? What’s up with that?”

I violently shook my head in disagreement. “No way. I am
nothing
like my mom.”

“Oh, my dear friend, but you
are
like your mom and that isn’t a bad thing. You’re both kind and considerate of others. She just throws that professional edge to everything. I have to tell you something, and you won’t like this, but she’s actually a great counselor.”

“And you would know that because…” I waited for her to complete the sentence.

“Because I spent time in her office last week and honestly, she was really helpful. She was compassionate and understanding, I mean, she was everything I have envisioned a school counselor should be. She’s way better than Mr. Cavanaugh. She actually listened to what I was saying instead of handing me a pamphlet and sending me back to class.”

I assumed Mr. Cavanaugh was last year’s school counselor.

“Huh. I’ve absolutely, never, ever, considered my mom helpful, compassionate, considerate, kind…shall I go on?” I lied. I knew she was but I had to keep up the pretense.

Claire offered a weak laugh, “Well, maybe you should.”

“Not today, sister. This isn’t the day I bond with mommy dearest. Enough of that talk anyway. I want to know more about what’s going on with you. What can I do to make you happy?”

Claire gave me an appreciative look as she swiped at one final tear on her cheek. “I’m fine. I’ll get over it.” She offered a strangled smile.

“Please. Let’s get back to what happened with your mom and Garrett.” I gently tugged her by the hand to sit on my bed.
I can’t seem to let go of her hand
.

She snorted in disgust at the mention of his name and the reflection of what had happened.

“Garrett asked me to leave because I didn’t unload the dishwasher. Can you believe that? I just forgot but he couldn’t let it go. He went postal. I said I was sorry but it wasn’t good enough for him. He said he was sick of me being so…so…useless.”

I was suddenly really angry for Claire because I knew with certainty that she did most of the cooking and cleaning in her house while her mom and Garrett hit the bars like they were in their twenties. She dabbed at the new tears erupting to the surface.

“I’m sorry. What did your mom say to Garrett when he told you to leave?” I asked.

She sniffed. “When he told me to leave, she just sat there. She didn’t say anything. Her eyes were glazed over like she had drunk the Garrett juice. He has totally brainwashed her.”

“So you just got up and left?”

“No, well, I called Ethan and asked if I could go to his house and he flat out told me it wasn’t a good time for him, and that was after I explained why I was crying. I didn’t want to feel stupid showing up at your house so early.”

“I don’t care if you’re early! Ethan and Garrett are assholes. I just don’t understand what you see in Ethan. Yeah, he’s totally hot, but he has zero respect for you.”

She let out a heavy sigh and I think it finally hit her that I was right. Ethan was a creepy guy who would one day be just a faded memory. But Claire was the type of girl who was committed and for some reason she wanted their relationship to work. Maybe she just didn’t like being alone or had convinced herself he loved her. Maybe I didn’t really know her because she said she wanted to leave Blue River which, meant leaving Ethan. I had to believe she would break up with him when it came time to leave this tiny town.

I offered an idea to get her mind off of her situation. “Hey, let’s go to Cooper’s beach. I’ve never seen Aspens change color.”

It took a while, but Claire finally agreed. As we drove away in Rover, she began to feel better. I pulled out all my best jokes, poking fun at Montana. By the time we reached The Beach she was laughing and I found myself amazed at the beauty of autumn by the river. Aspen trees were bursting with shades of gold and orange. All the other trees were changing as well, adding to the beauty. It was a fall festival of color that I absolutely had to capture to add to my photo album. I began my photo session, at times placing Claire in the pictures.

“I know you’ll be with me at college, but I need pictures of you, too,” I insisted.

She obliged, acting like she was a Vogue model walking the catwalk, sucking in her cheeks to look gaunt until we burst into laughter. We made a pile of leaves and jumped in them, which must have looked silly since we weren’t able to make a very large pile and we weren’t little girls anymore. We laid back and joked that we were making leaf angels. We pretty much talked about anything but what was hurting her heart.

********

As an off-key, “Happy birthday, dear Addy” was being sung, I heard the doorbell ring. Moments later, with uncertain steps, Jack entered the dining room. My mouth fell open. I hadn’t invited him to my celebration, but as he stood before me, I knew I had wanted him there all along. Seeing Jack made my skin prickle and I realized I had been acting stupid and immature and owed him a massive apology. Today, I became an adult and it was time to start acting like one.

“Um, hey, Addy. Happy birthday.” Dead silence filled the room. You would have thought he had just interrupted a wedding ceremony in mid-vows.

“Can we talk?” asked Jack.

I shrugged as though I was indifferent to his request but really, I wanted to run to him and wrap my arms around his neck, pulling him in for a kiss.

What I managed to say instead was, “Yeah, sure.”

We walked outside into the crisp air. The full moon cast an unusually bright light upon Jack’s face, enabling me to see him clearly, for which I was grateful. I missed his beautiful face but most of all, I missed him. Jack broke the silence first.

“I hate that things are awkward between us. Can we please just…have a truce…again?”

I really wanted to make this hard on him, but the way the moon was shining not only reflected his perfectly wonderful face, it reflected how truly good he was. Seeing his deep brown eyes made it hard to be difficult.

I conceded. “I’m not mad, Jack. Why would you think I’m mad?”

In a way, I knew I had just lied. I was mad that we had argued about something as stupid as homecoming. I was mad that we were playing games with each other’s emotions and mostly, I was mad at myself for being so stubborn. Jack was the most amazing person I would ever meet and I would let him slip right through my fingers.

He tipped his head and raised one eyebrow, “Seriously?”

I knew his tone was that of complete disbelief so I started to laugh, even though I knew I sounded ridiculous.

“I know that I’m sorry about homecoming, but I just don’t know what I’m thinking or feeling anymore when it comes to you,” I said.

His eyebrows shot up. “Well, Miss Addy, you just gave me hope.”

Surprised, I asked, “How did I give you hope?”

“By saying
feeling anymore
…because at least now I know you
feel something
for me. I just need to be patient and help you turn those feelings into a real relationship.”

I pulled a somewhat pitiful expression. “Jack, it’s hopeless. We can’t be a couple. I’m leaving, and by today’s count, I’m leaving in like, ten months. Besides, we do have a relationship. We’re friends, right?”

He turned away from me, but when I placed my hand on his shoulder, he turned back around to face me and even though he made me melt, I continued with my lame explanation. “Listen, I’m done lying and denying. I like you, Jack. I like you…a lot, but this…you and I…” I pointed back and forth between us, “can’t be more than a friendship.”