My Dear Stranger (45 page)

BOOK: My Dear Stranger

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And as I cried no, he grabbed my face hard and breathed his madness into me. “
Him or me,” he grieved.
“Who?” I screamed.

But in the silence that followed as he stared at my face, I knew. And it really didn’t matter anymore. Nothing mattered. I would protect them both with my life.
And then I died. I turned my head and I cried. I lay there feeling my life leave me as I chose them instead of me.
When I felt my clothing torn, I surrendered. I closed my eyes and I said goodbye. I whispered my love to my boys. I whispered my love to the baby screaming above me.
And because I made a promise to try for him, I let go. And because I made a promise to be the best mother to the Angel above me, I let go. I let go and I whispered my goodbye, because in that moment I knew anything was worth saving them, even as I died.
And then I didn’t scream anymore.

Lying on the floor I was torn open by his painful penetration, but again he took my pain into his mouth as I fought my scream. He again took all my pain and made it his own. He took me until I couldn’t scream anymore.
“Sadie! Stop! No more! You don’t have to do this. I can't
hear
this!” Alex yells shaking me. Alex yells with tears pouring down his face. Alex shakes me with tears falling down my face. Alex yells, but I'm too far gone this time.
“Don't touch me, Alex. Just listen...” I moan. And as we stare at each other in horror, Alex silences and releases my arms with a gentle nod.

And I didn’t fight my legs raised against his chest, and I didn’t fight his hand on my throat. I didn’t fight him anymore. For them.
Thrusting I was moved across the floor. Thrusting, he tore me open again and again. Thrusting, he loved my body alone.
Groaning, he was empowered. But frustrated, he tried to arouse me as he continued but I didn’t make a sound. This was not our pleasure being had, and he wouldn’t get my pleasure ever again.
So silently, I listened to the sound of my crying baby as I held in the cries of my own.
Turning my head, I looked at the couch and I waited. With wide eyes I looked at the couch as I waited. I waited silently. I waited for him to finish with me. I waited for him to finish me.
And he did.
Crying silently as I felt his release deep inside me, I let go of the dream of all I ever wanted to be. Crying for all the darkness inside me, I breathed my goodbye with his release.

Crying silently, I stared at the couch as he dropped my legs painfully to the floor. Crying silently, I waited for more.
And then it was over.
I watched him startle and cry. I watched him twist and reach. I watched the stranger look at me in shock.
Wiping the blood from his mouth, I watched him cry out for me. Looking at me with love, I watched him gasp and moan. Looking at me with love, I watched a single tear slowly fall down his cheek for us. I watched silently as he finished our greatest production.
I watched the shadow move away with my son even as my eyes clouded over and my body burned. I was barely alive and unconsciousness claimed me soon...

Waking, I was horrified to feel the stranger still holding me. I was held in his arms as I tried to break free. I was desperate to escape the demon torturing me.
So turning my head slowly I looked into the eyes staring at me, and they could be no other eyes than the stranger's eyes loving, killing, and haunting me.
And that's when I knew.
Yesterday the stranger came to me. And as I watched the life leave his dying eyes, I leaned in close and kissed him goodbye.
When I awoke seemingly minutes later on the couch I held my nursing son in my arms. I held my son close as he breathed his little life into me. Holding him tight, I cried to the little face who birthed, loved, and saved me.
“Sadie...” Alex whispers as he pulls me tightly to him. Warming me instantly, I feel half alive. I hate this feeling all over me, and I hate this feeling inside me. I hate this feeling that is me.
“I'm a really good mom, Alex,” I moan.
“Oh
fuck!
” Alex gasps. “I know, Sade. I know you are. You're a really good wife too. You are, baby. Sadie, you are really good.” He cries again and again as he lifts me right off the floor into his arms as he rocks me. “You're a really good mom, Sadie. You are really good.” He repeats over and over until the pressure starts to lift a little from my chest.
“Will you kiss me to make me forget who I am?” I beg softly. And he does.
Kissing me, Alex holds the back of my head with his fist, as his other hand twists and holds my waist to him. Kissing me, Alex makes me forget. Kissing me, Alex makes it go away. Kissing me, Alex makes me forget who I am.
When he pulls away and rests his forehead against mine, I need him to know. I need him to understand.
“Your kisses have always been like magic to me. They make everything bad go away...” I cry on a sob, as Alexander lifts me and walks us back into our house.
Walking, Alex shushes my sobs, and kisses my head as I sink further into his arms.

And when I'm placed on our bed, Alex wraps himself all around me as I finish my cry. And I can admit to myself I want to get drunk, and I want to swallow pills, and I want to cut up my thighs. But I won't. Because for Alex, I promised to try.

After forever, Alex breathes against my cheek, “Sadie? Who was the shadow?” And I know.
“My mom. She came to watch Jamie so I could go to work, and she made him go away for me.”
“But why did she-”
“That's the end, Alex. It's over. She did it before he could kill me again. And then she must have taken care of me and Jamie, and of
him
. She did this for me. So it's over now.”
“But she should have-”
“She saved me Alex... She did it before he could kill me. And then she must have taken care of me and Jamie, and of him. She did it for me. So it's over,” I cry again until he understands.
“Okay. It's over...” Alex agrees turning me to my back until we stare at each other in silence.
And it IS over. She never told and we'll never tell.
The stranger left me forever, so I don't have to wait anymore.
When Alex kisses me again as beautifully as he always does, everything fades away, until only one thought crashes into my brain, over and over like a tidal wave.

“I kissed him goodbye, I kissed him goodbye, I kissed him goodbye...”