My First Hundred Years in Show Business: A Memoir (27 page)

Winning a Tony is often followed by a longish period of unemployment, and I had some lengthy interludes between calls. I thought I should be going up for bigger roles on television, but it occurred to me that if I wanted them my neck needed to see a plastic surgeon.

The doctor’s multimillion-dollar outer office sporting mammoth Steuben sculptures filled me with resentment, and when he told me that I would require a 24-hour nurse, would not be able to eat solids or speak for a week, and that I would have to sign a paper relieving them of all responsibility if I died on the table, I opted for scarves. It was the not speaking for a week that did it.

I was on crutches from a fractured pelvis when I got the call to read for a play at Lincoln Center. I was afraid they might think I wasn’t up for the gig. A friend suggested I tell them I fell off my horse, to which John Seidman added, “You fell off your high horse.” I had done a reading of the play. The play was
4000 Miles
by Amy Herzog. The role was an old time lefty grandmother who is visited by her grandson. I really wanted this part.

I may have been on crutches, but this time it wasn’t from shooting myself in the foot. This experience was the most fulfilling I’ve ever had in the theater. It’s a beautifully written script, skillfully directed by Daniel Aukin. Lincoln Center’s André Bishop and Bernie Gersten were wonderful to us. And the three other actors in the play, Greta Lee, Zoe Winters, and Gabriel Ebert—all in their twenties, all fine actors—were gifts from heaven. I treasure their friendship to this day.

F
INDING MYSELF GETTING HAPPIER AND HAPPIER THE LONGER
I’
M
away from having to put my face on tape—having to look good, or look any way at all, I finally reach a point of believing with all my heart that I have no taste for it anymore; no wish to be wandering around in the broiling heat or the snows of Kilimanjaro, in Chinatown or Upper Montclair, looking for a casting office; no desire to perform in anything eight exhausting times a week, then the phone rings: “They want you to read for—” and this snake leaps out of my mouth: “What time?” The need to perform doesn’t die. It’s like lust; it’s like throwing a lit match on a pile of dry hay.

Nowadays I’m up mostly for old lady roles. It’s surprising how many of those there are. My one rule is: it has to be an old lady who robs a bank or smokes pot or something. No Alzheimer’s roles, thank you very much. Unless she’s funny.

I
DIDN
’
T INTEND TO WRITE THIS BOOK
. I
STARTED OUT TO WRITE
about the eight-year journey of getting
Full Gallop
to the stage. A sort of primer for people who wanted to do their own one person shows. Naturally I had to include background, how I came to write the play and so on, as circumspect and amusing as I could make it, because my life wasn’t the main topic. Halfway through I showed what I had written to a few close friends, each of whom shortly returned it with glazed eyes and polite murmurs. I was shocked by their reticence. I grabbed their lapels and demanded to know what they thought. “You aren’t in it!” they yelped. “We want to know about you!” “This doesn’t sound like you.” I didn’t get it. I couldn’t make this about me, I’m not well known, I didn’t have a glittering career studded with affairs and celebrities. Besides, I didn’t want to write about me, whoever that was. I never want to be me, that’s why I’m only happy when I’m playing other people! I was also terrified of anything that wasn’t funny or ironic because that was my stock in trade. Everything in my life was up for laughs. Nevertheless, I tried to get more honest, and the deeper I dug the more unfunny things got. I kept bumping into embarrassing incidents, inexplicable behaviors that I didn’t want to look at. It came to me that after fifty years I was still carrying around this load of resentment, shame and guilt. I was having a terrible time. I quit writing more than once, the process was just too painful. Finally, after a great deal of writing, rewriting and hating every minute of it, I began to see things more clearly. I had revelation after revelation. I saw I had been the villain in my own story. And to my amazement once I realized this the anger and guilt, the whole load, lifted. Flew out the window. Freedom! I never enjoyed life so much as I do today.

I like to think of myself as a proud member of the Character Actors’ Club whose names may not be familiar to the general public. Their faces may be familiar from television appearances, but not their names. Their names and their work in play after play are well known in the theater world. A few of these wonderful performers I’ve worked with or have seen over the years include Marylouise Burke, Jonathan Hadary, Byron Jennings, Lisa Emory, David Pittu, Reed Birney, Kristine Nielson, Mark Blum, Peter Friedman, Laila Robbins, Lewis J. Stadlin, Linda Emond, Mark-Linn Baker, Joan MacIntosh, Michael McGrath, Susan Blommaert, Henry Stram, Carol Morley, Christine Ebersole, Tom Lacy, Mark Harelik, Denny Dillon, McIntyre Dixon, John Seidman, Mary Testa, David Aaron Baker, Mark Chmiel, John Christopher Jones, Denis O’Hare, John Glover, Brian Murray, John Benjamin Hickey, Dick Lattessa, Julie Halston, Polly Holliday, Martin Moran, Harriet Harris, Maria Tucci, Michael Potts, Kate Skinner, Deborah Rush and Patricia Connolly. These are only a few. I hope no one is offended by being, or not being, listed here.

A
BBOTT
, G
EORGE
– Broadway playwright, director, actor, producer.
Jumbo, Pal Joey, High Button Shoes, Where’s Charley, Call Me Madam, Wonderful Town, Pajama Game, On Your Toes, Damn Yankees, Fiorello!,
and
A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum
. Directed his final production at age 102.

A
DRIAN
– American costume designer for MGM films of the 30s and 40s. Creator of the ruby slippers for
The Wizard of Oz.

A
GNELLI
, P
RINCESS
M
ARELLA
– wife of Fiat industrialist, Gianni Agnelli and designer, created a series of houses and gardens spread throughout Turin, Rome, Milan, New York, St. Moritz, and Marrakesh.

A
LEXANDER
, J
ANE
– award-winning stage and film actress (
The Great White Hope, The Sisters Rosensweig)
former director of the National Endowment for the Arts.

A
LEXANDRE
– hairdresser to the stars, created Elizabeth Taylor’s coiffure for
Cleopatra
.

A
LLEN
, J
AY
P
RESSON
– adapter of novels for plays and movies: Films,
The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie
and
Travels with My Aunt.
Wrote and directed the play
Tru.

A
LLEN
, L
EWIS
– theater and film producer. Among his productions, the Broadway musical,
Annie
and the films,
Fahrenheit 451
and
Lord of the Flies.

A
LLEN
, W
OODY
– filmmaker,
Annie Hall
,
Hannah and Her Sisters, Manhattan
.

A
RDEN
, E
VE
– film actress, Joan Crawford’s sidekick in
Mildred Pierce
.

A
RKIN
, A
LAN
– actor, director, composer. Stage,
Luv, Enter Laughing
(Tony). Directed
Little Murders, The Sunshine Boys.
Film,
Catch-22, The Heart is a Lonely Hunter, Little Miss Sunshine
(Oscar),
Argo.
Wrote Harry Belafonte hit
Banana Boat.

A
RMSTRONG
, L
OUIS
– jazz legend, trumpeter and singer. First African-American jazz musician to cross over into popular music.

A
RNAZ
, L
UCIE
– actress (
They’re Playing Our Song)
and producer (
Lucy and Desi: A Home Movie
.)

A
RTHUR
, B
EATRICE
– star of TV series,
Maude
and
The Golden Girls
. Played Vera Charles opposite Angela Lansbury in the musical,
Mame.

A
RTHUR
, J
EAN
– actress in Frank Capra classics,
Mr. Deeds Goes to Town
,
You Can’t Take It With You, Mr. Smith Goes to Washington
.

A
TKINS
, E
ILEEN
– British actress, writer, co-creator with Jean Marsh of
Upstairs, Downstairs
. Films include
Gosford Park
.

A
UKIN
, D
ANIEL
– directed critically acclaimed plays,
4000 Miles, Bad Jews
.

A
VEDON
, R
ICHARD
– fashion and portrait photographer. Wide range of his work contributed to the acceptance of photography as an art form.

A
ZENBERG
, E
MANUEL
“M
ANNY”
– theater producer and general manager whose professional relationship with playwright Neil Simon spans thirty-three years.

B
ACALL
, L
AUREN
– Hollywood star of the golden age and later Broadway musicals.

B
ACHARACH
, B
URT
– composer of 73 top 40 hits.

B
AGNOLD
, E
NID
– British author of plays,
The Chalk Garden, A Matter of Gravity
and novel,
National Velvet.

B
AKER
, J
AMES
– former U.S. Secretary of State under George H.W. Bush, Secretary of Treasury and Chief of Staff under Ronald Reagan.

B
ALLARD
, K
AYE
– musical theater and cabaret star. Originated the role of Rosalie in
Carnival.

B
ANKHEAD
, T
ALLULAH
– star of Broadway’s golden age, originated the role of Sabina in Thornton Wilder’s
The
S
kin of Our Teeth.

B
ARER
, M
ARSHALL
– book writer and lyricist for
Once Upon a Mattress
.

B
ARRYMORE
, J
OHN
– Hollywood star,
Grand Hotel, Twentieth Century, Midnight, A Bill of Divorcement, Dinner at Eight.

B
EATON
, C
ECIL
– British portrait photographer, stage and costume designer for stage and film. Films include
My Fair Lady
.

B
ENNY
, J
ACK
– comedian, beginning in vaudeville, transitioning into radio, then television, adapting to each new medium and remaining a headliner throughout his life.

B
ERGHOF
, H
ERBERT
– co-founder with Uta Hagen of HB Studio in New York City.

B
ERGMAN
, I
NGMAR
– Swedish film auteur.
The Seventh Seal, Wild Strawberries, Persona, Cries and Whispers, Fanny and Alexander.

B
ERTINELLI
, V
ALERIE
– television actress,
One Day at a Time, Touched by an Angel, Hot in Cleveland
.

B
ISHOP
, A
NDRE
– Artistic Director of Lincoln Center Theater since 1992.

B
LASS
, B
ILL
– American fashion designer, built a multi-million dollar fashion business bearing his name.

B
OSWELL
S
ISTERS
– singing trio popular on radio and records in the 30s.

B
RANTLEY
, B
EN
– drama critic for
The New York Times
.

B
REUER
, M
ARCEL
– Bauhaus architect, shaped 20th-century architecture. Designed Whitney Museum of American Art.

B
ROOKS
, P
ATRICIA
– lyric soprano who helped fashion the modern standard for opera performers.

B
ROWN
, H
ELEN
G
URLEY
– editor-in-chief of
Cosmopolitan
magazine for 32 years, author of
Sex and the Single Girl.

B
RUCE
, L
ENNIE
– 60s stand-up comedian, routines combined satire, politics, religion, sex. Resulting obscenity trial played key role in the Free Speech Movement.

B
UCKLEY
, B
ETTY
– actress, singer, created the role of Grizabella in
Cats.
Film,
Frantic.

B
UCKLEY
, P
AT
– socialite, wife of William F. Buckley, Jr. Leading player on Manhattan’s social and charity benefit circuit.

B
URNETT
, C
AROL
– actress, first seen in the Broadway musical
, Once Upon a Mattress,
went on to star in
The Carol Burnett Show
.

B
URTON
, K
ATE
– actress. Broadway,
Hedda Gabler, The Elephant Man.
Television,
Scandal.