My Guardian Knight (15 page)

"Damn!"  He kicked a stool, sending it crashing to the other side of the stable.  "I
know
she has feelings for me, I can see it in her eyes.  It may not be a deep and abiding love, but it's more than many people have in an entire lifetime.  Should I fight for her, Ranger, or let her make up her own mind?  Oh

hell!  I asked and now it's up to her."

The door creaked open and John walked in.  "Hey friend.  What happened out there with Amanda?"

Sebastian's eyes narrowed, noting that they were evidently on a first name basis already.  "I don't want to talk about it.

              "Why?  What did Amanda say?"

"Nothing.  She acted like everything was right with her world, but I could tell she was upset.  Kept looking out the window, wondering when you'd come in, I expect.  She fed us all a delicious dessert, you should be sorry you missed it.  Apple crumb cake, she called it."

              Sebastian closed his eyes and leaned against the door. 

She'd made his favorite dessert.  

"A damned shame we ate it all and you won't get any of it."

              "Let it go, John," he said quietly.

              "She's a fine woman if you ask me.  Shouldn't be

holed up in the house waiting for her man to come in."

"You've no idea what's going on," Sebastian said through clenched teeth, "and I would appreciate your dropping the subject.  What are you doing out here, anyway?"  John grinned.  "Why, going to bed, of course.  I'm to sleep in the loft."

Nodding, Sebastian strode away, slamming the stable door as he went.

Amanda sat in the middle of the bed brushing her hair, waiting for Sebastian to come in.  He usually didn't stay out this late, but she could tell he had been disturbed by their conversation.  He was probably just concerned about how she and Matthew would make it on their own.  She knew he did genuinely love her son, and she was sorry to break up such a warm relationship, but it would be just as difficult for her to leave Marissa.  She couldn't love that child more if she had been borne from her own body. 

For a moment she considered remaining with them, for the sake of the children.  But then what would happen if, a year or so down the road, Sebastian found a woman he could fall in love with?  She and Matthew would be booted out, anyway, and the pain would only be that much harder to handle.  Certainly the temptation to stay was strong, but even stronger still was her sense of self-preservation.  She
could not
live with a man who didn't love her, no matter how kind and chivalrous he was, because she would always know that they lived a lie.  And having no man at all would be better than having one that wasn't truly hers.

She walked over to the window, staring out at the moon-filled night.  How perfect everything looked, how calm and majestic, with the fields swaying softly in the breeze.  She would miss this place--

She squinted her eyes at a dim light in the distance, probably candlelight from Sharon's house.  Smiling, she felt a warm feeling unfurl inside of her at the thought of her friend.  But then, she was just one more person she would have to leave, and spend the rest of her life missing.

It wasn't until much later, just as she was falling asleep, that she realized Sharon's house couldn't be seen from her bedroom window.

Amanda smiled sweetly at Sebastian over coffee as the children skipped out the door on their way to Sharon's house.  He eyed her warily, sensing that something was up but not quite sure what.  "You look beautiful today, Amanda. 

Why are you all dressed up?"

              "Because we are going into Alton today."

              He raised an eyebrow.  "We are?"

She nodded, her eyes dancing.  "I need a few things from Mrs. Amos's store and I've a few errands to run.  Please, will you go with me, Sebastian?"

Glancing out the window toward the stable, he said, "Can it wait a day or so?  I have a ton of work ahead of me if I'm going to get those horses ready by Wednesday.  I've a buyer coming from St. Louis and--" He cut himself off at the disappointment shining in her dark eyes.  Sighing, he said, "Give me a minute to change and I'll take you to town."

Her smile restored, she hurriedly busied herself with cleaning up the breakfast dishes.  She was on a mission.  Sebastian didn't know it, but she planned on helping him with his past as he was helping with hers.  She pulled on a warm shawl to ward off the slight chill in the wind and went out to the wagon that she'd asked John to hitch for her, waiting impatiently for Sebastian to join her.

At the store, Mrs. Amos was thrilled to see them.  "Those peach preserves were simply delicious, my dear," she told Amanda.

"I'm glad you liked them."  She pulled two more jars from her bag.  "I've tried my hand at pumpkin butter.  Will you taste them and let me know what you think?"

              The woman took them gratefully and said, "I've not had               such               wonderful               baked               goods               since               Sebastian's grandmother passed on."

Beaming with pride, Amanda took her time looking through the fabric, wanting to make each of her loved ones one more new outfit before she had to go.  She smiled brightly at Sebastian, asking his opinion, and of course getting the same old "I don't know" answer that men are famous for.  She didn't let this bother her, but chose several bolts of cloth and even some ribbons for Marissa's hair.  As she paid for her purchases she carried on a quiet conversation with Mrs. Amos, quickly asking for directions before Sebastian could overhear.  

When they were seated in the wagon and Sebastian took off down the same road as always, Amanda pointed one street over and said, "Let's take that way this time."

He looked at her quizzically.  "What do you want to do that for?"

              "I've never been down there," she said innocently.  "I

want to see more of Alton."

Sighing, he gave in to her reluctantly.  As they started down the brick road, she could feel the tension in him intensify with every clop of the horse's hooves.  His face became dark and he scowled ferociously.  Suddenly she cried, "Stop!"

The wagon jerked to a halt and he turned to her.  "Why?  What's wrong?"

Amanda quickly jumped to the ground and started up the grassy hill toward the cemetery.  "Amanda wait," he called from his perch in the driver's seat. She was surprised he didn't cut his hands, so tightly did he clutch the reins.  "What the hell are you doing?"

              "Come on, Sebastian!"

His face turned pale and his eyes darkened until they appeared almost black.  "I don't know what you are doing, Amanda Knight, but I demand that you get back into this wagon immediately so we can go home."  When she made no move to obey him, he roared, "
Now!
"

She stood her ground, halfway up the hill, waiting for him to face the fear inside himself.  It seemed to be very slow in coming, though, and he said through clenched teeth, "I swear if you don't get over here right this minute I'll leave you

there and go home without you."

Amanda watched him, debating on what to do.  Had she pushed him too far?  Was this more than he could take?  She didn't think so.  He had forced her to stand and fight her past and it was the best thing she had ever done.  It was definitely the most frightening thing she had ever done, but when it was all over with she was sure it would have been worth it.  It made sense to her, even if it didn't to him, that what he needed to relieve himself of the guilt from his past was to face it head on.  She aimed to help him do that.

              "Amanda," he called warningly.

Motioning for him to follow, she continued walking up the incline, hoping she was doing the right thing.  The cemetery where the Confederate soldiers were buried was the last place she wanted to be, but it was necessary.  Reaching the top of the hill and acting as if she did this all the time, she began walking along the rows of headstones, looking for Sebastian's father's name.  For all she knew, it may not even be here, but she wouldn't stop until she'd searched every single one!

Sebastian stepped up beside her as she began down the second row.  He turned her gently toward him.  "What are you trying to do, Amanda?  What do you think this will accomplish?"

              "You've never been here before, have you?"

              He shook his head silently, a pained look in his eyes.

              She laid a comforting hand on his muscular chest. 

"Oh Sebastian, I just want to help you rid yourself of the guilt and bitterness you feel so deep inside."  The gaze he bestowed on her was full of surprise.  "Of course I can feel how you torture yourself with thoughts of what happened during the war, especially what happened between you and your father.  Even after more than five years you still have nightmares where you wake up angry and soaked with sweat.  

"Terrible things have happened to you, but it's not your fault.  You did what you had to do, what any other Union soldier would have done in your place, and you've been condemning yourself for all this time when you were only doing your job. 

"Whose fault was it really, Sebastian?" she asked intensely.  "It was
his
fault for trying to escape, and I'm sure that somewhere in that intelligent mind of yours you know

that.  You did no wrong."

"But he was my father," he whispered.

"Yes, he was your father, a man who never had a kind word for you.  He was your father, but he was an escaping Confederate soldier, and had it been any other prisoner in that camp you would not feel so tormented by the memory, now would you?"

He shrugged his shoulders.  "It wasn't any other prisoner."

She sighed in exasperation.  "Work with me here, Sebastian!  Stop embracing the guilt and let it go.  Help me find his grave and you can talk to him and make your peace."

He stared at her for an eternity before turning and continuing down the row.  When Amanda stepped up beside him, sliding her hand into his for support, he smiled down at her tenderly.  This may be the most difficult thing he had ever faced, but at least it would be easier with her help.  

Just when they despaired to hope that it would be there, they came upon it.  They gazed at it for a long while, each feeling so many deep emotions they couldn't describe them all.  Finally, Amanda kissed Sebastian's cheek and said quietly, "I'm going to leave you alone with your father.  Speak to him as if he were here, Sebastian.  Please, find your peace."

He held her hand until their fingertips slid apart and watched her walk back down the hill.  He turned his attention back to his father's final resting place, wondering what he should say or do.  The cold white stone seemed to mock him.  Sebastian closed his eyes, and his whole life came rushing in on him.  The first years of his life were hazy, but the glimpses of memory were not good ones.  Later, after he moved to his grandmother's, on the few times his father deigned to visit them, he was downright cruel to his only son, calling him names and making him feel an embarrassment to his family.  His grandmother tried to make him feel better, but it is hard, if not impossible, to replace a parent's love.  The last time they had seen each other before the war they had actually come to blows when Sebastian had had enough of his taunts.  His father, always a large man, had beaten him black and blue.

Sebastian ground his teeth, fighting the flood of memory even as he embraced it as the healing experience it was.  He pictured him as he had last seen him, tall as always, but thin to the point of gauntness from lack of food and nourishment.  He could see the last day of the war as clearly as if it had been yesterday.  He remembered the shout when someone noticed the escape attempt.  He'd turned, pointed, fired.  He had felt no remorse until it was his father's face staring up at him, a bullet that had come from Sebastian's own gun lodged in his chest.

He asked himself now, for the first time, if he would have felt badly had it been any one of the other prisoners instead.  And honestly, he would have to say he would not have.  He
had
been doing his job.  He was trained to thwart escape and he did so.  His father should never have tried to scale that wall.  Indeed should have known that it was a useless--

And there was something else he had never considered.  Had his father
known
he would not make it?  Had he wanted it that way, to die for his cause and rally the Confederate soldiers who had lost all hope?

He knelt on the ground, putting a hand to the cold tombstone.  "Father," he said, "I can't claim to have ever understood you.  I know you didn't love me, and I can't say I held any fondness for you.  We were on opposite battlegrounds our entire lives, I only wish it hadn't happened so literally.  I
am
sorry for the way things ended.  I always wondered, if I had paused for only one second, what might have happened.  Would you still be alive today?  And, on the times when I was truthful, I knew you would not be.  I was just the first one who reacted.  If it hadn't been me it would have been someone else.

"I'm letting you go now.  I hope that, wherever you are, you have found your peace.  As for me, Amanda just

helped me find mine.  Goodbye."

He turned, striding quickly toward the wagon and Amanda.  He jumped into the seat and jerked the horses into motion, unable to get out of there fast enough.  They drove for a while in silence, and he was aware of the concerned glances Amanda kept throwing his way, but he was unable to say anything just yet.  His body was full of old tension that, little by little, seemed to seep out of him.  Just before they reached home he smiled down at her.  "Thank you" was all he needed to say.