My Mother's Secret (44 page)

‘We never had the party,’ he murmured. ‘We’re entitled to the party.’

She laughed and he kissed her.

Observing them from the edges of the crowd, Steffie felt her eyes brim with tears. It was a happy occasion. It was good to know that people could come through difficult times and stick together. Yet she felt as though she was suffocating in the universal goodwill. Each of the guests wanted things to be back to normal. They wanted Pascal and Jenny to be married, to forget the inconvenient truth that they’d lied to everyone here. They wanted Steffie herself to forget the even more inconvenient truth that she’d been the result of her mother’s affair. They wanted things to be the way they’d always believed. Not the way they really were.

She watched Davey and Roisin clap and cheer and she envied the genetic bond that bound them together. Roisin had told her a million times that having a different father meant nothing. Whenever Davey spoke to her these days he called her sis, which he’d never done before. They would always include her, there was no doubt about that. The problem was, she didn’t feel she had the right to be included. She knew it was silly. But she couldn’t help how she felt.

She was too hot. And the buzz of conversation, as well as the music, was making her head ache. She needed to be on her own for a few minutes. She needed some peace and quiet. She took her angora jacket from the back of her chair and slipped out of the restaurant door. The snow was still drifting slowly from the sky, turning the dark countryside into a single white expanse, and the icy coldness of the air took her breath away.

She shivered as she stood beneath the half-shelter of a spreading silver fir tree. The snow muffles everything, she thought, as faint traces of music seeped from the restaurant. Even your feelings.

Colette was the only one who’d noticed Steffie stepping outside. She thought about following her to check if she was OK, but then decided that Steffie probably needed some time to herself. She understood that it was a difficult day for her cousin. She’d been prepared for a difficult day herself, having to see Davey and Camilla again. She’d worried that all her old feelings for him might suddenly come rushing back. But they hadn’t. When she’d met him at the castle and said hello, it was as if she’d never spent hours and days and months and even years pining for him. He was just Davey. Someone she’d known when she was a kid. Someone she felt comfortable with. Not awkward. Not anything. And that was that. In fact, she thought, it was almost frightening how her feelings for him had disappeared. He’d overshadowed her life for so long, it seemed incredible that that wouldn’t continue to be the case. And yet here she was, watching him dancing with Camilla and not feeling a thing. It was very liberating.

‘Hi.’ A man was standing beside her. He was holding two glasses of champagne, one of which he offered to her. ‘I saw you were without a drink,’ he said. ‘I thought I’d bring one to you.’

‘That’s very kind of you.’ She smiled at him. ‘It’d never do for me to be a champagne-free zone.’

‘Sean McGettigan,’ he said, proffering his hand. ‘I work with Pascal.’

‘Accountancy?’ hazarded Colette, who knew her uncle was doing some kind of part-time work but had no idea what.

‘Is it that obvious?’

‘There’s a look of an accountant about you.’ She chuckled. ‘Maybe it’s the suit.’

‘All the men are in suits,’ he protested.

‘But you wear yours with a greater sense of ownership.’

‘Dammit,’ he said. ‘I clearly have to try harder to throw off the shackles.’

‘Perhaps if you danced,’ she suggested. ‘Loosened up a bit, you know?’

‘You think?’

‘I do.’ She put her glass on the table and moved towards the centre of the floor. The band was playing a mid-tempo tune, but he put one hand on her back and swung her into a quickstep.

‘Oh crap,’ she said. ‘You really
can
dance. You’re putting me to shame.’

‘Follow my lead,’ he said. ‘You’ll be fine.’

And she was. She let him twist her and turn her and manoeuvre her around the floor, and she realised that she was having more fun than she’d had in ages. Which was why, when the music stopped, she sat down beside him to catch her breath and didn’t think of Davey, or Camilla, or Steffie at all.

Chapter 40

The wedding party, fuelled by limitless champagne, had moved into a slightly more raucous phase. Davey and Camilla were jiving in the centre of the floor and doing – as Alivia said – a surprisingly good job of it. The Danish girl was letting her hair down both literally and figuratively, as she’d taken out the clips that held it into her customary updo and it was now falling in loose waves around her face.

‘She did a great Lady Gaga impression at the anniversary party,’ Bernice reminded Alivia. ‘I think she’ll be fun at gatherings in the future. Not that I’ll be at any more of them,’ she added.

‘I’m sorry, Bernice,’ said Alivia.

‘It’s time for me to move on,’ Bernice said. ‘I can’t keep picking at the remains of a failed relationship. I only came today out of respect for Jenny and Pascal. I know I said that’s why I came to their anniversary party too, but actually I turned up there with the idea of humiliating Carl. In the end, I was the one who was humiliated.’

‘No you weren’t,’ said Alivia. ‘You were the heroine of the hour, rushing Poppy to A and E through the floods.’

‘She would’ve been fine anyway,’ said Bernice.

‘Well, yes,’ agreed Alivia, ‘but you were still the one who looked after her. You’re a good person, Bernice.’

‘I’m not thinking particularly good thoughts,’ she said.

‘You and I are the sad singletons at this affair,’ remarked Alivia. ‘Even my mother has found herself a man before me! We should socialise more. Go on the hunt together.’

Bernice laughed. ‘It’s a bit difficult with you in Galway.’

‘I’m moving to Dublin later in the new year,’ Alivia told her. ‘I’ve been offered a new gig after the current show ends and I’m going to take it. But it’s totally hush-hush, I haven’t told a soul. Not even my mother. So keep it under your hat.’

‘That’s wonderful news,’ said Bernice. ‘Your mum will be thrilled for you.’

Alivia hoped so. Now that Lucinda had a man in her life, she’d become a lot less reliant on her and a lot more like the person Alivia was sure she’d been when she was younger. Alivia couldn’t help feeling sad that her mother had poured all her love and attention into Alivia herself, without any thought of having a life of her own. It seemed to her that Lucinda had wasted a lot of years when she could have been out there having fun. But she was doing it now. And even if things didn’t work out in the long term with Frank, at least Lucinda had changed her outlook. Which was, her daughter felt, a very good thing.

And I’m making changes myself, she thought, which is also good. Getting the new series was a major coup for her, and going to Dublin and being out of Dermot Falconer’s circle as a result was even better. I was an idiot about him, Alivia said to herself. But I got over him. As you do. As you always do when you let yourself. She sighed. Allowing yourself to feel OK again was often the hardest part of a break-up.

‘Where’s Steffie?’ It was Roisin who came over to Bernice and Alivia, a worried frown on her face. ‘I haven’t seen her in ages.’

‘Nor have I.’ Alivia thought about it. ‘She was chatting to that woman who’s on some local committee, but that was at least half an hour ago.’

‘She’s nowhere around,’ said Roisin. ‘I hope she hasn’t done anything silly.’

‘Like what?’

‘I don’t know,’ Roisin admitted. ‘But everyone’s having such a good time, Mum and Dad are really happy … I’m afraid it might have been a little too much for Steffie.’

‘You don’t think she’s run off again?’ Bernice looked horrified. ‘Into the snow instead of the rain this time?’

‘She can’t have,’ said Alivia. ‘She was fine earlier.’

‘Everything all right?’ Colette, on her way to get another drink, realised that there was a confab going on. Bernice told her of their concerns about Steffie.

‘I saw her going outside a while ago,’ said Colette. ‘I thought she might have needed a bit of a breather.’

‘Outside! But it’s freezing. And that light dress she’s wearing won’t keep her very warm.’

‘I assumed she came back in after a few minutes,’ said Colette.

‘But nobody’s seen her,’ Bernice said.

‘Bloody hell.’ Colette frowned. ‘She seemed fine, Roisin, honestly. I didn’t think … I couldn’t …’

As the three women exchanged worried glances, Jenny came over to them.

‘Have you see Steffie?’ she asked.

Roisin was going to lie and say that her sister was in the loo, but she knew there was no point. Jenny would know she wasn’t telling the truth. She’d always been able to tell.

‘Colette said she went out for a breath of air,’ Bernice said.

‘When?’

‘A while ago.’

‘I haven’t seen her for ages,’ said Jenny.

‘You’ve been keeping an eye on her?’ asked Roisin.

‘I always know where my children are,’ said Jenny.

‘Perhaps she needed some down time.’ Colette didn’t want to think that Steffie had done anything foolish. Not at her mother and father’s wedding. Although part of the problem, from Steffie’s perspective, was that she still hadn’t accepted the fact that Pascal wasn’t her father. Shit, thought Colette. I should’ve gone after her. But I got caught up in dancing with Sean McGettigan. And I’m wishing that I was back dancing with him now instead of worrying about my cousin.

‘Maybe she’s gone back to Dublin.’ Jenny bit her lip. ‘But it’s snowing, and—’

‘And this is like the anniversary party all over again,’ said Roisin. ‘How can she be so damn thoughtless.’

‘Didn’t she drive down with you, Roisin?’ asked Alivia. ‘She doesn’t have her car here, does she?’

‘No, she doesn’t. You’re right.’ Roisin allowed herself to exhale with relief. She’d been envisaging her sister in a ditch again. Although perhaps not being as lucky this time as before.

‘She could have decided to walk to Aranbeg,’ said Colette.

‘In the snow? In high heels?’ Jenny looked aghast. ‘She wouldn’t have got more than a few metres.’

‘That might be what’s happened,’ said Alivia. ‘She decided to walk somewhere, she slipped on the snow and she twisted an ankle.’

‘Mother of God,’ said Colette. ‘If she’s out there with a broken ankle in the snow …’

‘We’d better go and look,’ said Bernice.

‘Before we do …’ Alivia took her phone out of her bag. ‘I’ll try calling her.’

But the call went directly to Steffie’s voicemail.

‘You stay here, Aunt Jenny,’ Colette said. ‘The three of us will have a look.’

‘You can’t possibly,’ said Jenny. ‘You’re all dressed up. You’re equally likely to break an ankle yourselves. And anyway, I’m not letting you go outside on your own.’

‘You do realise that she might be quite happily having a break outside the door,’ said Bernice.

‘I need to be certain.’

‘Best not go in a big group,’ said Roisin. ‘People will wonder what’s up and we don’t know anything’s actually wrong.’

‘I’ll go outside with Colette,’ said Bernice. ‘You two follow us after a minute. Unless we come back with her straight away, of course.’

‘OK,’ said Jenny.

She watched as her two nieces retrieved their coats and went outside. She couldn’t believe that Steffie might have run into trouble again and that her wedding to Pascal might have triggered it.

‘It’s not your fault,’ said Roisin.

‘It is,’ said Jenny.

‘No.’ Roisin shook her head. ‘I’m as entitled as Steffie to be upset, you know. After all, I found out that my mother, who I always believed was perfect in every way, had an affair! That she left me and my brother to our own devices that summer while she had hot sex with a male model. I’m really entitled to be angry about that, Mum, but I’ve put it to one side because … because …’ She released her breath slowly. ‘Because it doesn’t matter. You can’t plan your life. Everyone does something they regret.’

‘You never have,’ remarked Jenny.

‘I regretted giving up my job,’ said Roisin. ‘I always felt I should’ve stuck with it. But it was too complicated after Dougie was born. So sometimes I regretted having him. Only because of that,’ she added hastily. ‘Not because I don’t love him to bits. Sometimes I think I had it all worked out, except it didn’t happen the way I wanted and I had to adapt.’

Jenny nodded. ‘You’re such a good girl, Roisin,’ she said. ‘Of all my children, you’ve never given me a moment’s worry.’

‘Really?’

‘Without a doubt.’

Roisin smiled. She was pleased to hear that. Pleased to know that she was, in at least one aspect, the favourite child.

‘It doesn’t look like Steffie is nearby,’ she said. ‘Neither Alivia nor Colette has come back.’

‘Dammit,’ said Jenny, and the two of them went out of the restaurant together.

‘Oh my God, it must be below zero out here.’ Roisin’s breath formed clouds in front of her mouth as she spoke. ‘She can’t have gone far, she really can’t.’

‘I called her,’ said Alivia. ‘But there was no reply.’

‘There are faint footsteps over here.’ Colette pointed at indentations in the snow. ‘They’re heading off towards the trees.’

‘Why would she have gone there?’ Jenny’s teeth were chattering. She didn’t have a jacket, and although the sleeves of her dress were three-quarter length, the scoop neck meant she was exposing a lot of skin to the elements.

‘I don’t know,’ said Colette.

The women followed the footsteps, which stopped beneath a tree.

‘There are more here,’ said Alivia as she looked at a jumble of prints. ‘So it’s like she met someone. But then they disappear into one set again. It looks like they’re going to the back of the building.’

Her words were met with a horrified silence.

‘Maybe we should call the police,’ said Bernice.

‘Or maybe she met someone she knew,’ pointed out Colette. ‘Was there anyone at the party she might have hooked up with?’

‘Oh.’ Alivia put her hand over her mouth.

‘What? Someone?’ Jenny looked at her intently. ‘D’you know who, Alivia?’