My Number One: Kasha & Knox (3 page)

~

Something inside had been dormant for as long as I could remember. In fact, I think it was something I’d instigated. My emotions, the same ones that I kept locked away from everyone, were never exposed.

One day at the age of nine, after everyone else had been picked up from school, I’d waited for my parents to come for me.

They never did.

One day I had a family of my own. The next day they were gone. They disappeared, as if they were not even real to begin with.

Never came back for me.

I came to be alone in the world, as the system took me from home to home. For a child who once had hope, I believed in nothing and expected nothing. Years after when Bash and Rory’s situation mimicked my own, I allowed myself to believe in the idea of family once again.

And now Kasha. She made me want to belong again. The girl had a vulnerable side that tried to stay hidden. I wanted to rub out the walls and expose every frickin’ ounce of her true self, if she’d just let me. I had no intention of begging any woman to be mine, but damn! Kasha wasn’t just any woman.

Never thought there was much to do in this state, but whenever I needed to clear my mind, she showed up. I could tell something was up when I first answered the phone.

She needed a friend. I could be much more, but gave what was necessary now.

Aqua Sol, a Cuban Miami restaurant, off an older marina. It was hidden away, much like the spot where I’d caught her that night. I’d only been there once before, but knew enough to know she’d love the food.

I never cared about these kind of things, but look at me now. I no longer wanted to be alone. I no longer wanted to watch others in happy mode, even if their lives were anything but. I craved a slice of anything more than what I’d been dealt.

~

~

Knox called to tell me he needed to talk. About what, I didn’t know. The one thing I was certain about when it came to him was that he was dangerous for my heart. I think everyone might reach a stage in life where they’ve loved someone so much that the emotions were capable of engulfing and suffocating. I once felt that for my dad, perhaps even my mother before she turned on me. My first boyfriend from back home, now he was a different story because he was envied by many, although our relationship just existed. I didn’t care enough to stick around him when my life fell apart. Maybe he might’ve helped me to cope. Maybe he could’ve been good for me. But I’ll never know. Sometimes I wondered if there was something wrong with me.

~

“Didn’t take long for you to get here,” Knox pointed out, pulling into the available spot next to my ride. Across his lips rested this wicked grin, like he had a huge secret or something. His hair was somewhat tousled; the glow from the fading sunlight giving him a kind of mysterious look. He wore a plain black and blue tee and slacks.

“I knew where to go; wasn’t too far,” I replied all in one breath, suddenly feeling lightheaded. He reached over to whisk away a strand of hair that had blown onto my forehead. Actually, I forced my hair into a wild bun. My mom had kinda put me in a mood, so I’d just pulled myself together the best way I knew how.

“You’ve been here before?”

“Yeah.”

“How did you find it?”

“It’s probably best to ask Teagan that question. She could find a drop of water in hell.”

We both smiled, and laughed just a little.

“One day, my friend came up with an idea to write out all of our problems, or pretty much anything that had stressed us out in the past. She had this idea for us to fill balloons and release them into the air. That was supposed to be symbolic of letting go.” I tried to open up as we remained in the parking lot, next to his Camaro.

“You got it bad like that?” His question jabbed at me. I knew he wasn’t trying to be malicious or anything, but damn. If he only knew.

I spun to face the entrance to the deck, where a live band had started playing island tunes. This could’ve been the perfect type of night. He might’ve been the perfect type of guy to do the happy hour thing or date thing with, but I wasn’t yet the perfect type of girl. In fact, I’m not sure that I’d ever be.

His fingers landed on the inside part of my arm, on the opposite side of my elbow. “Kasha, don’t walk away from me.” He didn’t ease up on me, not until I turned to him. I kept my head low, my eyes on my freshly painted red toes. “You need to stop being so uptight. Every chance you get, you’re pushing me away. How are we supposed to get to know each other?”

I listened, but what registered the most was this idea that we were supposed to get to know each other. “Get to know how?” I asked, slowly stepping backwards.

Knox followed. “Am I the only one that’s interested like that?” His fingers grazed mine. I yanked my entire arm from him.

“Like what? Knox, I’m only interested in a friendship. I have too much to work on before I can get into the mindset of working on anything with anyone.” I meant what I said with every fiber of me.

Don’t get me wrong. I would’ve loved to go there with him. Knox seemed to be a good guy; the kind of guy deserving of a girl with a steady head on her shoulders. He should’ve had a girl who was able to make his life better.

That was something I couldn’t promise. There was way too much hurt inside to think about anything other than a friendship.

“So what are we doing here?” This time he added distance. His hands reached up and to the sides. “I give up.”

“Knox, I’m not in a good place now.” What the hell was I supposed to say? Could I lay out the fact that I’d just had to run away from Miami after witnessing what might’ve been a murder? Or that Teagan handed down her own breed of justice? Since we left, I’d been curious enough to wonder about what’ went down with Van and Axel, but that was it. I didn’t Google or search out the news. I drew the line there. I wanted to forget, but I had to be mindful that someday this mess might explode in my face.

Did I want Knox to get drawn into my past?

Of course not. It was mine to deal with, not his.

“I only need a friend.” I caught his eyes with mine. The setting was perfect. In fact, the evening had begun settling in just right. Daylight hung on in the distance.

Knox remained silent. He didn’t speak again until the seating hostess confirmed we wanted a table for two.

“How does a guy know when he’s ready?”

“What do you mean, Kash?” His movements were almost mechanical next to me.

Placing my fingertips on his forearm, I explained, “I always thought you guys were all about fun, but then someone like you comes along.”

“Not someone like me. Me,” he confirmed with a confident nod.

“I’m sorry. Then you come along.” I smiled. The thing was, my fingers were itching to run across his lips, wrap around his upper body and just snuggle into him like I’d done the night at Chesapeake. “What makes you think you’re ready to take on some chick’s issues?” I giggled in a sort of low-key way.

“Damn, Kash, no matter who comes along, there will be issues or baggage. You only need to decide if you believe the person is worth it.”

His reply was perfect, in the way it hinted at me being worth it. I might’ve been able to believe Knox if I had been a different person; the kind of person my mom believed I’d never be.

“Right now, I could do with a friend,” I muttered.

“You sure?”

I wrapped my arm around his waist as the hostess led us to the side of a small outdoor stage. I pressed my face to his side just enough that he couldn’t recognize the tears that had formed in my eyes. “Yeah, friend, just friend.”

~

~

Outside of the moment I’d met Kasha, I started to feel alone in her presence. We were two entities that were ready to converge a long time ago. Looking back now, I know what the problem was: Neither of us were brave enough to give into the path life had drawn out for us. When I was supposed to be living in the moment, I chose to exist in a shaded bubble to avoid drifting or, in the case of her, falling in love. As if that would stop Kasha from falling prey either. I was too terrified to reject her fears. She was too scared to accept my cares.

“Someday I’ll find Mr. Right,” Kasha blew out as she walked alongside me. She closed her eyes, pulled in a mouthful of air and held tightly onto my upper arm. If she was paying attention, she would’ve noticed the veins pulsating almost instantly.

“Someday, Kash,” I mumbled with obvious resolve. After snaking my arm around her midsection, I blew at flyaway strands of hair. “Maybe Mr. Right will find you, Kasha Davies.”

“I don’t know when I’ll be ready for anything like that, but I know the time will come.” She smiled. Her head nestled against my chest. We walked along. To anyone else, Kasha and I could’ve been mistaken for lovers. To everyone else, we carried an aura of love. We lived as one. We loved as one. And still fought the inevitable as a unit determined to implode.

~

After spending several hours out with Kasha, just walking and talking about nothing in particular, I found myself two hours away in New York City. My network of extended associates ran along the East Coast, with sparks of people reaching various locations. This was all courtesy of Rory and our renovation services.

The brick building was short of spectacular, if not for the noise and eager patrons trailing through. Everyone mingled, many flirted and just about each person got filled within the moment. I sat at the bar, nursing a stiff drink that had way too much ice. I was much too standoffish for this crowd, and distant to the umpteenth power.

I cared very little of what others thought about my inability to mingle just for the sake of mingling. The only person I believed was worthy of judging me was the one that had walked in my damn shoes. And anyone else could shut the hell up and take a seat in the far left corner.

“You’re the man,” one of Rory’s local buddies slurred. The guy was acting a plumb fool off of less than two drinks, and the punk was ready to pass out.

“Nah man, all you,” I answered, hoping he’d get the hell out of my face. These public socials were too social for me. Rory knew to tie these things into business if he wanted to tempt me out of little old, laid-back Delaware. Very little would get me outside of the tiny state that people joked about: Dela-
where
? My back expanded before I pressed elbows against the wooden top, and I lowered my head into my palms. When I looked up, the jackass was still standing there, and immediately began running off at the mouth. I didn’t give a shit about what the dude was saying, I just wanted to be left the hell alone.

“Man . . .” This time the guy extended an arm to pat on my back. I dipped to the side and shifted away, even prepared to stand. The guy was oblivious, while his words got lost in a slew of rushed sounds.

What the hell?
I squinted from the side as he mouthed. All the while, drive time and all, I couldn’t fathom what had prompted Rory to drag me up here. Now we were at a random bar in the city, supposedly toasting and celebrating over another purchase; one I had yet to view. The owners allegedly needed quick cash, so Rory made things happen. Rory, Bash and I had acquired so many homes that we needed to hire men. This new set, however, only annoyed the hell out of me.

“I’ll get this round, Knox,” Bash alerted, gripping the newbie and redirecting him several feet away from the main bar. This was one of the reasons I appreciated my bros, even when they were capable of pissing me off for all sorts of nonsense.

Most of the guys had been hitting the bottle before we’d arrived at the bar. With each new glass, they became more pitiful. It was a good thing they had cabs on alert. Bash, Russell, Boris and Wayne clinked glasses, spilling expensive liquor on the already slick floor. Not to mention Rory and another guy by the name of Rhys. I’d noticed how Rory only spoke privately with this one. Their exchanges seemed intense, but I never once asked. I felt suspicious of the stranger because unlike the other men, this one wasn’t a worker.

“Dude, drink?” Bash reiterated when I hadn’t answered.

“Oh . . . umm. Doesn’t make a difference to me, buddy,” I replied as I placed another empty glass on the counter. I’d gotten the first two rounds. But since money wasn’t a concern, it didn’t matter one way or another.

“Shit, I ain’t counting so keep ‘em coming!” another guy slurred.

All things considered, most of us didn’t have a care in the world. One or two of the guys had kids, but none of them were married. Perhaps some might have had girlfriends or something. Actually, I took the cautious route whenever possible.

“You need to relax,” Rory threw out as his right hand slammed down onto the countertop. He bumped Bash and the next one out of the way. With his left, he signaled for the bartender who hustled right over. Before long, glasses of various drinks lined the counter. Pretty much every one of the guys reappeared to partake. And at the center of the commotion, Rory spoke the loudest, acted the wildest, and drew the attention of damn near every single female throughout.

I picked up two drinks and excused myself from the crew. A couple just happened to give up their seats in the far right corner.

After about another hour, the liquor finally started taking a toll. I passed my fingers through a heap of chopped black hair. I was feeling hornier than drunk, and in a mood of sorts. Our rigorous work schedule didn’t allow much time for play, but on the few occasions when I was fortunate enough to make that exception, I made the most of downtime. I had a few hobbies that consisted of reading; a worthy habit I’d picked up from my younger years. I loved women, not just for sex, simply because I couldn’t help but be fascinated by the opposite sex. Women could’ve actually been a habit, if I’d just let go of all the bullshit stored up inside. At this stage in life, however, Kasha had become my biggest habit. In a way, she was my salvation, while the other . . . the others would be issues. I only needed to live life in the way that I was meant to, instead of waiting to get over the past, or even waiting for the future to happen. I’d forgotten that the present was not meant to be dwelt in, but rather simply the conduit between the past and my future.

The more the guys drank, the louder they became. Honestly, I didn’t mind the excitement, but started winding down after several rounds. Moreover, unlike me, they sure as hell couldn’t manage shots the same way. I wasn’t the type of guy that needed this rowdy attention. I’d be perfectly fine at home, reading a Patterson or Sheldon book to pass time. Or even re-reading Coelho’s
The Alchemist
in contemplation of the steps life had taken. Not to mention the time spent with Kasha, just watching a movie or shooting pool.

At the mere thought of her, I couldn’t hold back the tingling of my lips. I inhaled, then leaned back my head as an image of her perky lips flashed before me. She was everything a man could possibly want in a woman, when the time came for her to settle down. She was just too damn set on avoiding relationships.

When I lowered my head back down, I glanced around the bar. Practically everywhere was crowded. But then I saw movement closer to the far, darker end of the bar. A couple seated further into the darkness moved from their seats, heading for the dance floor. I picked up my remaining drink to claim both newly empty stools, then placed my boots on the racks. It was the perfect spot to survey the club, without being too obvious. Whenever possible, I tried to be aware of my surroundings. Life had taught me to be diligent, though people taught me to be wise. I leaned in to take another sip, only then realizing I was nearly out. I hadn’t really been considering another, but since I was stuck there for the time being, it kinda made sense. So I lifted a nearly empty glass to my lips, with a slight nod to signal for the bartender. This time a slinky female, wearing a hugely seductive smile, placed it on the counter before me. She even went on to hold my gaze. I returned her look and then tipped my glass her way, en route to my lips.

I didn’t smile much, but smirked often. This was one of those times. I thought about how I’d been dealt a shitty life; one that seemed to be coming together. Although I held on for the unexpected. While reminiscing and allowing the spirits to flood my mind, I wondered how different life would’ve been if I hadn’t gotten caught up. Though the whole caught up part had been the best at the time.

The bartender returned. Her breasts played peekaboo under the spotlight. In response, I licked my lips.

~