My Only (10 page)

I had to ask, though. Olivia was out in the garage waiting for me. I heard her irregular beats sounding through the wal s. After taking a deep breath I laced my hands together in front of my body. “Can Olivia stay for dinner?” For a moment, nothing registered on his face, but then he looked me up and down. He cocked his head toward the garage as if noticing for the first time that he was hearing drums but seeing me in front of him. “Olivia who?”

“Cartwright. From across the street.” I shifted my weight on my feet and started chewing on the inside of my cheek. It felt like he’d been staring at me forever. “She’s in the garage. I’m tutoring her. I mean, she’s . . . she doesn’t eat meat, though. Or eggs, or dairy, or anything like that. But I thought maybe you could make something she could eat? Maybe like pasta or a salad or—” Dad held up his hand to silence me, so I shut up.

“Of course, she can stay. I’l figure something out.”

I continued to stand there chewing on my cheek, hands tightly clasped together.

“I don’t hear any more noise out there,” he said, cocking his head toward the wal behind him. “You’d better go and check on her.”

“Right,” I said. “Thanks, Dad.”

He nodded, watching me as I turned and left. When I reached the garage door, I rubbed the palms of my hands on my jeans to dry them. For as much as I’d been convincing myself that I was happy with the prospect of a innocent friendship with Olivia, I found myself daydreaming about holding hands with her. Visions of her eating with us swirled around in my head, mingling with the imaginings of kissing her. Her lips would be so soft. Her hair would be silky as I ran my hands through it. And her smel —it would be the same intoxicating floral scent I’d noticed before, but it would be much more intense. I would be swal owed by it.

I shook the thoughts away. I had to focus on friendship first. I was excited that she was going to stay for dinner—that I was going to get even more time with her. But when I opened the door and stepped down into the garage, my mood sank. It was instant.

She was sitting behind my drums, sticks in hands resting on her thighs, and her head was thrown back in laughter.

Aaron was standing on the other side of the drums, twirling a footbal around, eyes fixed on her. I recognized that look. No matter what he’d said about giving me a chance, I knew in this moment that he would no longer wait. He wanted Olivia.

I stood there for at least thirty seconds, maybe more, before either of them noticed me. Olivia caught sight of me. She swiveled the seat, her face stil bright from laughing at whatever it was Aaron had said. I wondered if he’d told her something embarrassing about me. “Hey, Ad!” I liked the nickname, but I stil felt on edge after finding my brother in the garage with her. It was like al of the momentum I’d built had fizzled out.

“Hey.” It was al I could say.

“Did your dad say it was okay?” I nodded. “Good. I’l cal my grandma.” She swiveled again, ignoring both me and my brother.

When I turned my gaze onto him, he was watching her. Like always, he could sense I was looking at him, and also like usual, he could tel that something was wrong. He came over to me and stopped just a foot away. “Why are you pissed?”

“I’m not pissed,” I said.

“Yes, you are. You’ve got that look, bro. I’m not stupid. What’s up?”

I sighed. “You said you wouldn’t flirt with her.”

He laughed. “No, I didn’t. I said I wouldn’t make a move until you at least had a shot. I never said I wouldn’t flirt. That would be against my nature.” My heart was heavy because in this moment, I knew that Aaron would once again overshadow me. He might not go al out to win her, but getting girls was effortless for him. Flirtation worked and no matter how nice I was, or how compatible I was to Olivia, he would always be the better choice.

He lightly punched me on my shoulder. “Ask her out and I’l stop.”

“Why are you doing this?”

“Doing what? I’m being nice,” he said, then glanced behind him to look at Olivia who was stil on the phone. “If you want something, you have to go and get it. I like her, too, and I’m giving you a chance. Don’t turn it into something shitty.” I looked away. “You’ve already turned it into something shitty. Why can’t I just like a girl without—?”

“You can like any girl you want,” he said, “but unless you’re going to go for it, there’s no way in hel I’m going to sit back and pretend that I don’t like her, too. See? This is the difference between us. You’re al theory. You say, ‘I like her,’ but do nothing about it. And I’m the proven fact. I say, ‘I like her,’ and I
act
on it.”

The squeak in the seat of my drum set told me that Olivia had changed position. I glanced over at her quickly, hoping that she hadn’t heard anything we’d been saying. It was already embarrassing enough to have these feelings; I didn’t think I could handle her hearing about it.

“She said ‘yes’.”

My answering smile was muted—in part because of the doubt that had crept into me now that my brother was involved, but also because Aaron clapped his hands once. It was loud and it echoed in the garage as he said, “Yes!” He was so excited that the girl
I’d
invited over was staying for dinner. Now he’d have an even better shot of impressing her.

Olivia had abandoned the drums. I hadn’t even gotten the chance to real y show her anything. She approached us, and when she was so close I could smel her hair and the light fragrance of her skin, she cocked her head and said, “What’s wrong?” I wanted to tel her exactly what was wrong. I wanted to tel her that Aaron liked her, and that I liked her. I wanted to tel her that Aaron liked a lot of people, but I didn’t, making my feelings much more meaningful. I wanted to grab her hand and take her back up to my room and show her how to play the drums. I wanted to tel her that I was scared that she would fal victim to my brother’s charms and forget about me.

But I didn’t say or do any of those things. Instead, I said, “Nothing.”

“So what do you want to do until dinner’s ready?” Aaron asked. Olivia shrugged. He smacked me in the stomach. It didn’t hurt, but it did catch me by surprise. “Come on, Adam, think of something fun to do to pass the time.”

I could think of nothing, mainly because I had no experience with the concept of doing something fun with a girl in my house. I took too long.

Aaron grabbed Olivia by the wrist and tugged her toward the door. She let out an amused sound at the jerky movement then craned her neck to look at me. “Come on.”

I fol owed, my heart and mood sinking further. Aaron led her through the house, only letting go of her when we were in the sun room. “Wow,” she said, going over to one of the large windows. “Your backyard is awesome.”

I’d never thought about it before. It always just seemed like a backyard. In the summers I hated it because it took so long to mow. Our yard was surrounded by tal trees. My dad had built a patio and surrounded it with plants and flowers he’d seen on HGTV. The Home and Garden Network was his next favorite thing to watch after Food Network.

“Go talk to her about nature or something. Girls like that stuff,” Aaron whispered into my ear before giving me a little shove toward her. Her back was to us, hair swept over one shoulder.

Because of his push, I moved a few steps, but then I stopped. I had to think of something to say. I could tel her about the little serenity pond my father and Aaron put in two years ago. You couldn’t see it from this angle, but she’d probably like it if I took her over to it. Or maybe I should talk about the changing leaves. Some were stil green, but others were turning the colors of the fal .

Again, I must’ve taken too long. Aaron sighed behind me, and as he passed me, he shook his head. He went right up next to Olivia and said,

“Do you like the fal ?”

“Absolutely. It’s so pretty. In Nevada, we didn’t have al these colors, but in Colorado, we did.”

“Wel ,” Aaron said, “this is nothing. Just wait until early October; the leaves wil get even prettier.” He went to the door and opened it. “Do you want to see the reflection pond my dad and I put in?”

After that, I was nothing more than a pile of regretful nothingness. He said everything I’d thought about saying. Aaron was right. I was theory and he was fact. While I
thought
, he
did
. And now he was outside with Olivia—the girl I real y,
really
liked.

After ten minutes, I couldn’t watch it any more. I could look at her al day, but the fact that she was with Aaron as she took in the backyard gutted me. I went back into the house and watched as Dad put the finishing touches on the meal.

Once the pasta was drained and put into the pan with the sauce, he glanced up at me. “Where’s your girl?” My girl. What a joke. “
Olivia
. . . ,” I said, to let him know that she was nowhere close to
my girl
, “ . . . is in the backyard. With Aaron.” He looked at me for just a moment longer before crossing over to the window above the sink. He stayed there for a second before coming back over to me. There was something intense about the way he looked at me. I grabbed the stack of plates and silverware from the edge of the counter.

Setting the table al owed me to be away from whatever my father was trying to silently express to me.

Dad asked me to tel them it was dinnertime, so I did, rueful y watching Olivia and Aaron’s slow walk inside. She was smiling at him and he was giving her the look that almost al girls were unable to resist. He took the lead, saying nothing as he passed, but Olivia touched my forearm.

“Where’d you go?”

I shook my head. “I helped my dad.”

Olivia didn’t say anything, and I was unsure if she sensed my mood.

During dinner, I was quiet, unable to overcome the oppressive feelings of inadequacy. My father seemed like he was trying to help me out by bringing up topics he knew I was interested in. At times Olivia would simply look at me, waiting for me to expand on the topic but my response was usual y a one- or two-word answer.

For most of the meal, Aaron remained decent, not chiming in with something damaging as my father tried to point out the few positive attributes I had. I was almost thankful that my brother didn’t have much to contribute, but then he turned his eyes to me and smirked. “Did you tel her about when you wanted to legal y change your name to ‘Skywalker’?”

I loved my brother, but right now I
hated
him. As if I needed any help being geekier in comparison to him.

“Aaron,” my dad said, but my brother just laughed it off.

“Seriously, he was saving up money to have it done.”

I risked a glance at Olivia but her expression was kind. “So Anakin or Luke?”

“Luke,” I mumbled, retraining my eyes onto my plate.

“Good choice,” she said. “I may or may not have spent months perfecting my braided hair bun in an attempt to look more like Princess Leia.” My head snapped up, and I smiled back at her. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see that my father was looking at me.

There was a brief silence, then Olivia turned to Dad and said, “This is great, Mr. James. Most people wouldn’t take the time to make a real y good vegan meal. I appreciate it.”

“You’re awful y polite,” he said.

“Guess I was raised right.”

My dad nodded. “I knew your mom.”

Olivia looked happy when he said it. “Real y?”

“Yeah, she was a few years behind me in school. Nice girl.”

“That’s awesome. My grandparents have her old yearbooks. I’l have to check you out to see what you looked like back in the day.” My dad laughed. “Probably the same. Less wrinkles.”

The rest of the dinner went by fine. Aaron didn’t embarrass me any more than he already had, and the conversation between my dad and Olivia remained pleasant. Through his subtle questioning I learned that she liked plants and flowers, but wasn’t interested much in sports. When she said it, I flicked my eyes over at my brother and felt like sticking out my tongue.

After dinner, Dad cal ed Aaron into the kitchen to help clean up, leaving Olivia and me to find our way back up to my room.

“You act different when your brother’s around,” she said but gave me no time to respond. “Your dad’s nice.” She gathered up her book and notes.

“Yeah, he’s al right.”

She chuckled. “He’s better than ‘al right,’ Adam. He’s pretty cool. I don’t know my dad,” she said. “I don’t even know his name.” She paused, sat down, and shot me a nervous look. “My grandparents don’t even know. My mom left for New York, came back for a few months, had me, and then we left again.”

It seemed like Olivia always left me wanting for words. I tried to imagine what it was like to grow up without a father—without even knowing his name—and then to lose your mother as a teenager. “You seem . . . ” I said without thinking. I let myself trail off, unsure of how she’d react to what I’d been about to say.

“What?”

I forged ahead. “You seem, I don’t know, wel -adjusted for al of that.”

She laughed, and it was a mixture of a dark snicker and a light chuckle. “Wel , I
was
in the E.R.” Right. Her old school. The “therapeutic” one. Again, I was wordless as I contemplated her life before Lakeside.

The silence had begun to sting, and then she said, “Awkward, right?”

“Tomorrow’s Sunday,” I said.

“Yep. I was told it would be.”

Clasping my hands in front of me, I shifted my weight from one foot to the other and bit the inside of my lip before going for it. “I don’t work and I don’t have practice. Do you want to hang out? Like go to the bookstore or something?”

“Do you like Barnes & Noble that much?” she asked as she stood.

“No. I mean, yes. I like my work, but I was talking about M.T. Shelves.” I could tel by her expression that she was interested. “It’s an awesome, old independent bookstore. I could spend days in there.” As soon as it was out, I wished that I hadn’t said it as it made me sound like even more of a dork. I could spend days in an old, dusty bookstore? How interesting. I bet Olivia was incredibly impressed.

“Um,” she said, running her hand through her hair. “Yeah, I think it’d be okay. I’l double-check, but yeah, I’d like to.”