My Perfect Imperfections (19 page)

True to his word, Chance is gentle and loving. He makes me feel sensations I’ve never felt before. There are times when I’m holding him for dear life, squirming under his touch, and screaming in pain and pleasure. He brings out a part of me I never realized existed.

But most of all, he makes me feel beautiful.

“I’m sorry, Lily. I hurt you.” I hear Chance whispering in my ear the next morning.

Opening my eyes to the sun shining through the window, the memories from last night come flooding back. Suddenly shy, I hide my face in his chest.

“Look at me, Lily. Are you okay?”

I nod. Of course, it hurt, but I also enjoyed it. I touch his face and kiss him to reassure him that I’m doing just fine.

“Okay, you probably need to use the bathroom. I found your nightie this morning. Here, let me help you put it on.”

Suddenly horrified that I’m still stark naked, a look of panic flashes in my eyes.

Chance chuckles. “I’m pretty sure I’ve seen every inch of your body by now, dearest Lily. Still, watching your face blush like that is endearing.”

I roll my eyes as he helps me into the Victoria’s Secret lingerie. Kathy had insisted on buying me the sexy lingerie, teasing me that I’ll need it for my honeymoon.

Once Chance brings me to the bathroom, he helps me sit on the adapted toilet we have attached to the regular toilet.

After securing me properly on it, Chance says, “Okay, I’ll give you some privacy. Just holler when you’re ready.”

As much as I hate the situation I’m in right now, he’s right. I just have to get over my hesitations. It is what it is, and it’s not like I’ll be able to do some of these things by myself miraculously. Chance is now my husband, and he has vowed to stand by my side through all that life has in store for us.

When I’m done, Chance helps to clean me up. He’s a natural and not once makes me feel awkward. “Now, that wasn’t so bad, was it? Besides, who knows? You may have to wipe my ass in the future.”

Leave it to him to make light of our situations. I laugh. And, I laugh some more. Soon, Chance laughs with me. For some reason, we laugh hysterically with Chance sitting on the floor and me still sitting on the toilet. The whole scenario is hilarious. I suppose in awkward situations like this, laughing is so much easier than crying.

“Come on, let’s take a bath. I’m ready for the Jacuzzi, how about you?” Chance winks.

I smile at his silliness.

After filling the tub with the water, he brings me to the edge of the tub. While stabilizing me, he pulls the clothes off both of us.

“I know how well your muscles relax in the water. I think you’ll enjoy this experience, Mrs. Ryker.”

Soon, we’re both submerged in the water. He’s sitting behind me and my back is leaning against his chest. Closing my eyes, I allow the hot water to do its magic.

Chance kisses my neck, playing with his tongue. As he soaps me down, his fingers linger on my breasts. My breath catches as Chance continues his exploration.

When my muscles tighten up because of the sensations he’s creating, he whispers, “Shh, my Lily. Just close your eyes and relax. Enjoy the feeling. Give yourself to the sensation.”

I slow my breathing down and sink against him, allowing my muscles to relax. Nothing can stop the soft moans from escaping me, especially when his hands continue their in-depth exploration. I feel myself rising until I have no control left. When my body finally releases, I scream Chance’s name.

Chance holds me tightly until I come back down to Earth. Wow, just wow. What the hell!

I’ve always heard of orgasms, but I’ve never experienced them. I’ve just assumed because of my crazy muscles having a mind of their own, I probably couldn’t even have such a sensation. Boy, am I glad I’ve been wrong on that.

Soon, Chance has me lying next to him. He turns me toward him and stretches my leg over his. “It’ll be less painful in the water,” he whispers.

This time it doesn’t hurt as bad as last night. This time, I allow the pure pleasure to consume me. Nothing is more exhilarating than watching Chance fall apart while making love to me.

The honeymoon passes too quickly. Outside of both of us enjoying the country air, exploring nature, doing my exercises, and Chance cooking us homemade meals, we learn each other’s body in depth. By the end, I’m even brave enough to do my own exploring to find out what pleases Chance.

By the time we arrive back home, I lose all of my reservations around him. There are no awkward moments between us. If I need help with anything, I ask him. If I don’t, he respects me to do it on my own.

Life gets busy fast. I continue to work hard, and Chance buries himself in his residency. Through it all, we still manage to make time for one another and catch up on our day.

Eventually, Chance wants us to move out of the apartment and buy our own home. He says he still has a lot of money left from his parents, and he thinks we should use it for a new home. We buy land and build a completely accessible “smart” house. With my assistive technology background, we try to think of everything we need or may need in the future. We even build an elevator that can take us between the two floors.

My life has changed dramatically, but one thing doesn’t change. Every weekend, Chance takes me to visit Layna. There, I tell her my deepest thoughts and fears.

Chance continues to show no signs of ALS. He obsessively throws himself into his research. He still believes that stem cells may be the answer to help many illnesses.

Although Chance seems to have found his purpose through his research, I still feel a void in my life. While watching a movie on the television one evening, I bring up the topic of kids.

“I think we should try having a baby.”

Chance nearly chokes on the gulp of beer he has just sipped. “Uh, no. Have you lost your mind?”

“Why not?” I insist.

“We’ve discussed all this already before marriage, Lily. I can’t believe you’re actually saying this. No kids. Period. Please don’t bring it up again.” Chance stands up and goes in the bathroom, slamming the door behind him.

I continue to stare at the television, fighting back the tears.

After his residency, Chance works as a neurologist, treating patients as well as playing a vital role in research. As he becomes fixated on his research, I bury myself even deeper in my work. Although I decrease my hours at the college, I pick up another job. Various agencies hire me as a consultant to evaluate homes of people with special needs and recommend technology to assist them with independent living. My clients completely trust me since they see me living on my own, and if I can make a difference in someone’s life by providing them with any type of freedom, then I’ve already reached my goals for my career.

Even with everything I’ve accomplished and Chance by my side, there’s still a nagging voice inside that reminds me I need more in my life. I desperately want to start a family, but with Chance not willing to listen to my reasoning, it’s impossible to even bring that subject up to him. He leaves me no choice but to take matters into my own hands.

Before going up to our bedroom one night, I tell him that I want to talk to him. “There’s something that I need to tell you.”

“What’s up, babe?” Chance sits down on the sofa next to me, giving me his undivided attention.

“Do you ever feel like something is missing in your life?”

“Lily, I have everything. I’m married to the woman I love. I have a great career, and so far, I’m free of ALS. I’m content, actually. Why? Do you feel like something is missing?” Chance reaches for my hand, his eyes full of concern.

“Yes, I do. I know you hate talking about this, but I really think you would make an amazing daddy.”

Immediately, Chance pulls his hand away. Standing up, he starts walking away.

“Please, listen to me,” I beg. I’ve already got something programmed into my device, but I need to first make sure that he’s ready to hear it.

“Lily, once again, this is just crazy. Please stop. The answer is no. Absolutely not!”

“Well, it’s too late!”

Chance spins around to face me. Narrowing his eyes, he says, “What do you mean?”

“We’re having a baby, Chance. I’m pregnant.”

For a few seconds, Chance doesn’t say a word. I think he even stops breathing. Then, very slowly, he says, “Is this some kind of joke, Lily? It’s not funny, so stop now.”

“No joke. I got tested at the doctor’s.” Kathy had taken me to the doctor’s appointment this morning. I’ve been suspicious, so I asked her to accompany me.

“That’s impossible. You’re on the birth control pills.” I see Chance clench his jaw, trying to stay calm.

I lift my head up, preparing myself for his rage. “I stopped taking those months ago.”

Chance walks to the kitchen and takes a swig of whiskey. When he’s ready to continue our conversation, he walks back to me.

“Lily, please, please tell me this is not true.” When I remain silent, he says, “How could you? You knew how I felt about it. How could you make a decision like that without discussing it with me first? You deliberately betrayed me.”

“I tried to talk to you. Many times! You refused to listen.”

“So you’re going to just decide this on your own? We’re partners in this marriage. You can’t make a big decision like that. What the hell!”

“You decided we weren’t going to have a baby. Not me! In our past discussions, you never gave me the opportunity to discuss how I felt about it. I never agreed to that decision.”

Chance tangles his fingers in his hair, and I think he even pulls it. “Are you listening to yourself? For such an intelligent woman…damn it, Lily! I’m so angry right now!” Chance has lost all control by now and is screaming at the top of his lungs. “I’m sorry you made such a crazy move, but we’ll be making an appointment first thing to abort it.”

“No!” I scream.

“No? Sorry, but I will not budge. I’m calling one of my colleagues first thing tomorrow morning.”

“I’m having this baby.” There’s no way I will give in to him on this.

Chance pounds his fist into the wall, making me jump in my wheelchair. I stare at the hole his punch creates, holding my breath.

“What the hell is wrong with you? Did you forget that ALS runs in my family? You want this baby to have that? Is that it? You want the baby to suffer because you’re so hung up on having a baby? What if the baby has Cerebral Palsy? And what about you? Can your body even handle the stress of pregnancy?” Chance’s entire body shakes with rage as he tries to control his heavy breathing.

“You already know that Cerebral Palsy can’t be inherited, Chance.” Remaining calm, I take a deep breath and click the icon that already has the preprogrammed message from earlier. “I know you’re upset. I’m sorry for hurting you. I’m also sorry that I deceived you like I did. I know it was wrong, and I wish I didn’t resort to that. I have deep regrets for betraying your trust. But, I am not sorry about this baby. Every time I’ve tried to bring this topic up to you, you’ve pushed me away. I know you’re worried about everything, but I can’t live like that. I can’t think of what ifs. Whatever happens, I’ll deal with it. I always have dealt with what life has thrown my way. I understand the consequences of my decision, and I really hope I don’t lose you, Chance. I hope that you’ll change your mind and will welcome this baby—our baby—into this world. But, if you can’t forgive me, I understand. I will have this baby with or without you. Hopefully, the baby will be healthy, but either way, I’ll love this baby and I’ll teach him or her to be strong. You know I love you to death, but I don’t agree with you on this one. I know you like to be in control of life so it goes smoothly. But, it just doesn’t work that way. So, you have a decision to make now. If you can’t deal with me having this baby, then I guess it’s time to say our goodbyes. Like it or not, I will be having this child.” Without saying anything further, I turn my wheelchair away from him and head toward the elevator.