Necessary Lies (34 page)

“You are not the girl I thought I was marrying.”

“I thought I could be that girl. I wanted to be her. I love you.” Even as I said those three words, I was no longer sure they were true. “I was wrong to keep it from you,” I said. “Very, very wrong. And I’m sorry.”

He didn’t speak for a full minute, and I wasn’t sure what to say myself. In front of us, I watched the red sun drop below the tops of the trees.

“I think I’ll take the week after the Atlanta conference off,” he said finally. “I’ll spend the whole week with my family instead of just the weekend. I think it’ll be good for you and me to have some time apart.”

“I agree,” I said. “And again, Robert, I’m really sorry. It was so wrong of me not to tell you.”

“If you’d told me that was your plan, I never would have married you,” he said bluntly.

I nodded, wishing I could turn back the clock and start our relationship over.

This time, I would have told him.

41

Ivy

Walking with Mary Ella to the store was like walking with a statue. I couldn’t get her to talk no matter what. Of course, there wasn’t no easy topics for me to bring up. I couldn’t talk about any of the things on our minds, like Baby William or the operation she had. I couldn’t talk about what Henry Allen said to me about saving money for California. I wanted to tell her I was sad for her, but I didn’t know what to say. As we got closer and closer to the store, the only thing on my mind was that I couldn’t go in there. How could I face Mrs. Gardiner with her grandbaby inside me? I’d been staying out of her way the best I could. I hadn’t gone to the store all month.

Nonnie’d told me to wear my raincoat, even though it was pretty warm outside. “Covers up that baby,” she said. “Don’t want nobody seeing you like that.”

I was surprised she was even letting me go to the store, much less pushing me out the door. She was practically keeping me locked up in the house now, with me looking so big. I knew she just wanted to get Mary Ella out of the house. Every time she saw Mary Ella’s sad face, she’d say, “It’s the best for Baby William,” and I guessed she’d be saying that for the rest of our lives, while Baby William grew up without his mama. I thought Mrs. Forrester had Nonnie good and brainwashed now. She’d come over the days she drove Avery and talk to Nonnie, but I didn’t have nothing to say to her and Mary Ella didn’t talk to nobody.

Even though I was big as a house, Nurse Ann said I wasn’t big as I should be. “You don’t eat enough of the right food,” she said. I was scared my baby would have problems like Baby William, that it’d be slow and not talk and get took away from me. I ate one of them vitamins Nurse Ann gave me every single day and hoped that would make the difference. Of course, I was hoping me and Henry Allen would be gone before the baby came, but Henry Allen was taking his own good time saving the money to get us out of here.

I slowed down when we got close to the store. “I can’t go in there,” I said to Mary Ella. “You got to do it.”

She didn’t say nothing, not yes or no, but when we got to the front of the store, she went on in while I sat on the stoop, catching my breath. Everything made me out of breath these days.

I was watching two turkey vultures pecking at something in the street, when all of a sudden Mrs. Gardiner flew out of the store. I quick jumped to my feet and took a step back from the porch. Her face was red and wild looking, and strands of her black hair was out of her bun.

“You disappoint me, Ivy Hart!” She shook her finger at me. “You trying to ruin my boy’s life?”

“No, ma’am,” I said. “I’d never do that.”

“We been nothing but good to your people, even after your mama done what she did to me.” She touched the scar. Her red cheeks made it stand out white as bone. “But now you’ve gone too far. Davison always said we should keep you on, on account of what happened to your daddy on our land, but that was long ago now. Some people at church told me about a big colored family who’d be happy to have your house and would break their backs to help Davison so they could keep it.”

“Mrs. Gardiner,” I said, “please don’t throw us out. Nonnie’s sick and you can see Mary Ella ain’t herself and I’ll work for you in the store or on the farm after the baby comes. Nonnie and Mary Ella can watch it and I’ll work every day, whatever you need.” But inside, I was thinking I’d be thousands of miles away by then. I hoped with me being gone, they’d let Nonnie and Mary Ella stay, but why should they if they could put a big family with strong backs in our house?

“I don’t want you working for me!” she said. “Do you think I want you anywhere near my house and my family?”

“No, ma’am, I suppose not.”

Mary Ella came out the door carrying a sack of flour. She handed Mrs. Gardiner a dollar bill and headed straight for me.

“Get the change,” I whispered to her.

“Don’t need it,” she said. She turned the corner and started walking.

From the porch, Mrs. Gardiner yelled, “Leave my boy alone, Ivy Hart!”

I blocked out her voice and caught up to Mary Ella. “What do you mean, we don’t need it?” I asked.

She just kept walking and I had to move faster than was easy for me to keep up.

“She said she might kick us out,” I said, knowing I shouldn’t bring up anything bad, but right now there was nothing good to say and I wanted my sister to talk. Maybe that would do the trick, but she didn’t say a word back to me.

Up in the distance, I could see one of Mr. Gardiner’s blue trucks coming in our direction.

“Oh no,” I said. I hated seeing Mr. Gardiner as much as I hated seeing his wife. With any luck it’d be Eli driving it, but then I remembered Eli would be in school at this hour.

Mary Ella suddenly handed me the sack of flour. “Here,” she said.

“Can’t you carry it?” I asked. “I’m already carrying this baby.”

Mary Ella didn’t answer me. She looked hypnotized by the blue truck, her eyes just staring at it. I looked from her face to the truck. It was Mr. Gardiner, for sure. I wished we was walking someplace where it’d be easier to hide, but here we were, out in the open. The truck was coming on fast, dust flying up behind it. He was going to pass us at a good clip, and that was fine with me.

When he got almost even with us, Mary Ella suddenly ran into the road, right in front of him. I dropped the sack of flour and let out a scream, and even though the truck squealed and tried to swerve, it swallowed my sister whole. I screamed again. Screamed and screamed, but then everything went black and quiet in my head. It was like wherever Mary Ella went, I was trying to go with her.

42

Jane

I was typing case notes when I heard a commotion outside my office door. Raised voices and shouting and clatter. Charlotte was at a doctor’s appointment and Paula, Gayle, and Fred were all in the field, so I had the office to myself with the exception of Barbara. I got to my feet and was reaching for the doorknob when the door suddenly flew open. Ivy burst into my office, fists flying. One of them connected with my cheek before I managed to catch both her wrists in my hands.

Barbara was close behind her. “I’ll call the police!” she said.

“No, don’t.” I held Ivy away from me as I tried to dodge her kicks. She managed to land one on my shin, and I nearly lost my grip on her.

“Ivy!” I tried to get her to look at me, but her hair covered her eyes and she fought like a caged animal. “Settle down!” I said. “Talk to me!” Her cheeks were wet with tears and smeared with dirt, and she was so big! I hadn’t seen her in several weeks, although I’d been to her house. She hadn’t
let
me see her.

“Really, Mrs. Forrester,” Barbara said, “I think I’d better call.”

Without thinking, I pulled Ivy closer instead of holding her at a distance, and she went limp against me, sobbing. I shook my head at Barbara.

“It’s all right,” I said. “Please close my door.”

I looked away from Barbara’s worried face while she left the room, shutting the door behind her. I stood there holding Ivy as she cried, feeling her swollen belly between us, wondering how she’d gotten to the office. She’d been upset over the petition and William when I last saw her, but not like this. Something more was wrong, and I thought of her grandmother.

“Is it Nonnie?” I asked. “Tell me what’s wrong.”

“Mary Ella,” she murmured against my shoulder, and then another word that sounded like “deaf.”

“Mary Ella’s deaf? What do you mean?”

She stepped back from me. “She’s
dead
!” she said, and I thought she was going to hit me again. “You might as well of took a gun and shot her.”

My chest felt suddenly empty and I dropped into my chair. “Sit down,” I said to Ivy.

Ivy sat in the straight-backed chair and pressed her hands over her face.

“Tell me what happened.” I tried to hand her a tissue, but she didn’t seem to see it and I placed it on her knee.

She dropped her hands to her lap. “She ran in front of Mr. Gardiner’s truck,” she said, her eyes hard and angry. “On
purpose.
”

“Why?”
I asked. “Why would she do that?”

“Because you ruint her life!” she shouted, tears spilling down her cheeks again. “You took Baby William away! And you made it that she can’t have no more babies.”

Oh God. I gripped the arms of my chair. I’d really missed something. Something terrible. I’d been so focused on Ivy that I hadn’t seen the depth of Mary Ella’s depression. I never should have told her the truth about her operation. I should have realized she couldn’t handle it.

“How did you get here?” I asked.

“Eli brung me.”

“Where is he?” I needed to talk to him. Make sure he’d keep an eye on her.

“None of your business. I hate you so much.” Her voice broke and I leaned forward, my fingertips on her knee.

“I understand,” I said. “I’d feel the same way, but Mary Ella was—”

“You can’t
do
it to me!” Ivy stomped her foot and my fingers fell from her knee. “The operation. You can’t or I’ll do what she done. I swear I will.”

“No you won’t. You’ll have a little baby who needs you, and—”

“Bullshit! You’ll just take it away from me.”

I opened my mouth to argue, but I was afraid she might be right. I had so little power here.

“I’ll help you make sure he has the care he needs so that doesn’t happen,” I promised, not believing the promise even myself. I’d told them I’d try to get them visitation rights with William, and I’d failed. I’d told Ivy I’d try to arrange for her to continue school at home, and I’d failed there, too. Why should she trust me this time?

“I can’t believe my sister’s gone!” She started to cry again. “I’ll go home and she won’t be there.”

Oh, how I knew that feeling!

“She won’t be
nowhere.
She won’t even be in heaven. God don’t forgive people who kill themselves.”

“I don’t believe that,” I said.

“You don’t know nothing.” She shook her head at me. “That’s one thing I figured out about you now. You don’t know nothing but you act like God anyway.” Her chin trembled. “Please don’t do it to me!” she pleaded. “Please don’t do the operation.”

I couldn’t bear the fear in her eyes. “All right,” I said, surprising both of us. Somehow, I would withdraw that petition.

She stopped crying abruptly and stared at me. “Promise?” she asked. There was no trust at all in her face, but a promise from me was the best she could hope for and she knew it.

“Yes, I promise,” I said.

This time, I would find a way.

43

Jane

There were only a couple of cars and Mr. Gardiner’s truck parked along the road that ran through the old graveyard, and in the distance I could see a small group of people standing in a circle around what I guessed was Mary Ella’s grave. I parked behind the truck and gripped my steering wheel, wondering if I could do this. The last time I’d watched a coffin being lowered into the ground, it had contained the body of my sister. Did both of them die because of me? I would never be able to shake that guilt.

I got out of my car, smoothed the skirt of my black dress, and started walking across the rutted grass. I could make out Winona and Ivy and Lita and a number of colored men, probably the Jordan boys. A tall white man, most likely Mr. Gardiner, stood a short distance behind the others, and I spotted Mrs. Gardiner standing at his side as I got closer. Would Mary Ella be laid to rest next to her father, I wondered, the way Teresa had been laid next to our father?

A preacher was speaking, hands raised in the air, and I could hear the rise and fall of his voice on the crisp October air, although I couldn’t make out what he was saying. What would he say about Mary Ella? No one thought much of her. The preacher probably saw her as a sinner. Most likely, he’d never seen the pure love in her eyes for William. The only joy I’d ever seen in her came from her baby—the baby we’d taken away from her. The baby we
had
to take away.

I’d been spotted, and I saw some of the faces turn in my direction. Eli started walking toward me with a determined stride that didn’t look welcoming. As he neared me, he held up a hand like a stop sign and I stopped walking.

“You ain’t wanted here,” he said, as he got closer.

“I’d like to pay my respects,” I said.

“Is you a fool, girl?”

I was shocked that he’d speak to me that way and yet I felt as though I deserved it. “I cared about Mary Ella,” I said.

He narrowed his eyes at me and shook his head. “You got a funny way of showing caring,” he said.

I glanced past him. Everyone had turned back toward the preacher, obviously leaving Eli to deal with me.

“Please let me go to them.” I nodded in the direction of Ivy and her grandmother.

“No, ma’am. It’s best you turn around and drive on out of here.”

“I can’t leave without speaking to them.”

“They ain’t got nothing to say to you.”

“I know they must be very hurt and angry, but—”

“You don’t know
nothin’
about them.” Eli bit off every word. “Or about me and my kin, neither. You only know what we let you know.” He looked down at my neatly pressed dress, my black pumps, my leather purse, and my nylons. “And you sure don’t know nothing about being poor. I bet you live in a mansion, don’t you?”