Need (22 page)

I quickly closed my eyes and blocked that out. I didn’t want to think about my father. Instead, I continued to follow him farther into the bathroom. We came to a stop in the back corner beside a large glass door.

He released my hand, took my nightclothes from me, and placed them on a bench I hadn’t noticed to my left. “I want your eyes on me at all times,” he said before he reached for the hem of my shirt and lifted it smoothly over my head.

I tried my best to obey him as he removed each article of my clothing. He didn’t go slow as he had in the past. It was quick and efficient, and soon I was standing naked before him, feeling more exposed and bare than I had in two months.

He brushed his fingers across my cheek and trailed them down the side of my neck following the curve of my breast down to my waist. I closed my eyes automatically at feeling his touch again. 

“Eyes open,” he reminded me, and I quickly raised my gaze to look at him.

There was always something so intense about his eyes. The mixture of green and brown was unlike anything I’d ever seen before as he stared back at me.

“Now, I want you to undress me.”

I froze. He wanted me to
what
?

As if sensing my hesitation, he took my hand and placed it against his chest, right over the buttons of his shirt, the same ones I’d been playing with earlier. I gazed up at him, questions in my eyes that I was too afraid to voice.

“Go on,” he said. “I can’t very well take my shower fully dressed, now can I?” He gave me a little smile. 

Okay. I can do this. With shaky hands, I unbuttoned his shirt, fumbling the entire way. I kept glancing up at him to see if he was getting upset with me since I wasn’t able to get him undressed as quickly as he’d been able to undress me, but there was no sign of anger or impatience in his face. He just stood there, waiting.

Finally, his shirt was unbuttoned, and he helped me push it off his arms so it fell to the floor. He’d taken my clothes and placed them in a hamper beside the bench, so I did the same with his shirt.

When I reached for the button on his pants, my hands were shaking. This was so much harder than what I’d thought it would be. I’d never undressed a man before. I could see the fabric straining against what lay beneath. He was aroused, and although I knew I wanted this, it didn’t calm my fears.

He cupped my face, bringing my gaze back to his. Instead of speaking, however, he leaned down and kissed me. It was soft and gentle, but it made me feel tingly and warm just the same. “Slow, deep breaths,” he reminded me when he ended the kiss.

Right. Slow, deep breaths. I’d seen naked men before. I could do this.

I released the button on the dark blue suit pants he wore, and with a deep breath I lowered the zipper and let the pants fall from his hips.

I stood staring with my hands hanging in midair. He was still wearing his boxers, but unlike the other times I’d seen him in this state, I knew that in moments the thin fabric hiding him from my view would no longer be there. He wasn’t going to shower with his boxers on.

It moved under my scrutiny. Had that ever happened before? My mind couldn’t help but think back to all the men who had used me over the last year, and when it did, I felt the panic rise within my chest. Breathing became more difficult. I couldn’t get enough air in my lungs. Pinching my eyes closed, I tried to make the images stop.

I felt hands on my arms, my face. Who . . . ? 

“Brianna,” a voice said through what sounded like a tunnel. “Brianna,” it said again, louder this time, closer. “Open your eyes. Look . . . at . . . me.”

I didn’t want to open my eyes. I knew what I’d find.

But the voice was persistent. Repeatedly, it called my name.

Slowly, I opened my eyes, bracing for whatever horror I would find waiting for me this time. Instead, I was greeted with Stephan’s eyes, full of concern and something else I wasn’t sure what to name.

Once I realized it was him—and what I’d done—I dropped my head in shame. How could I spoil this? I’d asked him if we could start again, and before he’d even really touched me I panicked.

I felt arms come around me, pulling against his bare chest, and all I wanted to do was get as close to him as I could. Why was this so hard?

“Tell me what happened,” he asked after I’d calmed down.

“I saw . . . it move.”

He chuckled. “My penis, you mean?” I nodded, and he laughed again. “Well, he does tend to do that when a beautiful woman is staring at him.”

I peeked up from my spot against his chest to find him staring down at me. “He . . . moves?”

Leaning down, his lips grazed mine. “Yes. He has a very hard time staying still when you’re nearby, Brianna.”

I didn’t know how I felt about that. There was fear, sure, but I loved when he called me beautiful, and he reacted like that because he found me beautiful, right? Everything I felt when it came to him was so confusing.

“What did you think when you saw him move? You seemed to go somewhere in your head. Did you have another flashback?”

I didn’t know if it was a flashback. It was different from what had happened before. “I couldn’t remember if I’d seen that happen before. Then, I started to remember times when . . . the other men would . . . but I don’t remember,” I cried in frustration.

His arms tightened around me. “Shh. You’re safe. They can’t hurt you now.”

I held tight to him, my fingers digging into the skin on his back. I couldn’t get close enough.

I have no idea how long we stood there, but eventually, he held me slightly away from him and said, “I’m going to give you a choice. We can get dressed and go to bed, or we can continue with what I planned for tonight.”

There really was no choice. For almost a week, I’d wanted him to touch me again. “I want to continue, Sir.”

He smiled, and kissed me. “Okay.” Then he took my hands, and placed my fingers on the elastic waistband of his boxers. “Finish undressing me so we can have our shower.”

Stephan

Seeing Brianna panic sent a pain through my chest every time. And even though I knew it was a necessary evil, given what she’d been through, it didn’t make it any easier.

Her throat moved as she swallowed nervously. I knew it might take a moment or two, but she’d do what I’d requested. It took a very long two-and-a-half minutes, but her fingers dipped inside my boxers and pulled them down, releasing my erection into full view.

The boxers pooled at my feet, and I kicked them off and away from us. I could see how nervous she was, but she was trying to be brave. I was proud of her. Slipping my hand in hers, I backed us up into the large shower enclosure.

I loved my shower. Pink and cream marble covered every inch, and there were showerheads in both the ceiling and the walls, and a marble bench along the back wall where I kept all my shower supplies sitting in a neat line. Making sure Brianna was out of the spray, I turned on the water, letting it warm before pulling us farther into the shower.

The water felt glorious against my skin as it always did, hard enough to work out the tension in my muscles, yet soothing enough to relax. Brianna had dutifully followed me into the cascade of water, but still looked hesitant. I pulled her now-slick body against mine. It was the first time I’d felt her skin to skin like this, and I sucked in a deep breath. The contact felt amazing.

I ran my hand up her arm, her neck, before cupping the back of her head and bringing her lips to mine. She opened beneath my prompting quickly, but her hands remained firmly at her sides. “Touch me,” I urged. There’d be a time in the future when I’d want her arms bound and out of my way for my pleasure, but that time was not now. Now, I needed to feel her hands on me. She needed to explore my body, to become comfortable with it.

Tentatively, her fingers made contact with my chest, and I hummed in approval as I enjoyed the sweet flavors of her mouth. She tasted of the mint from her toothpaste, but as always, there was the hint of something that was just her.

Gradually, she gained courage and her hands increased their movements, but I could still feel her tension. Breaking our kiss, I looked down into her eyes. They were dilated, darker than usual, and I was pleased. Beyond our first two weeks together, she seemed to enjoy our kissing. It was nice to know the lack of clothing hadn’t changed that.

Stepping back slightly, I reached for the shower gel. “Give me your hand.” She did, and I squirted a large amount of the gel into her palm. Lifting her chin, I forced her eyes upward and her gaze met mine. “I want you to wash me, Brianna.” I could see the question in her eyes. “All of me. I don’t care where you start, or where you end, but I want you to wash every inch of my skin.” Once the words left my mouth, I took a step back, giving her room, and waited.

At first, she didn’t move. Her gaze dropped down to the gel in her hand and back to me. It was slightly amusing to watch, although I wished it wasn’t so difficult for her. If she could gain some confidence, that would help her. I never wanted her to fear touching me.

Instead of prompting her again, I waited.

She started to move twice but stopped herself, before finally taking the step that would bring her close enough to my body where she could touch me again. She pressed her lips together as she rubbed her hands to create lather.

In many ways, it was fascinating watching her work through things. Sometimes her mind worked in the most simplistic of ways. Other times, the detail she put into things amazed me. I knew that most of that came from her having to overthink everything when she was with Ian, making sure it was the right choice because if she chose wrong the punishments would be severe. Nevertheless, her strength to push through her fear and not be a mindless robot made me love her more. I wanted to give her everything, including taking her to heights of pleasure she couldn’t even imagine, if she’d allow me.

She pressed her small palms gently against my shoulders in tiny circles before moving lower to my chest. She glanced up at me, and I smiled encouragingly, letting her know I was pleased. This seemed to give her the boost she needed, and with a deep breath, she soldiered on. She took extra care washing my torso, back, and legs before standing back up and washing my face. There was only one area of my body left to wash and we both knew it.

Brianna’s hands shook slightly as they began on my hips and moved inward. It was a painstakingly slow process, but eventually she made it to my penis. Then she stopped.

I waited, but she still didn’t move. “What’s wrong?” I asked.

“How do I . . . wash . . . it?”

I smiled. “Just be gentle. Other than that, you can wash him anyway you want to.”

She seemed to think on that for a moment before reaching out one finger and touching. My penis bobbed in response, and she jerked her hand back. I chuckled.

Hesitantly, she reached out again. She was more prepared this time, and didn’t react when he moved.

I watched as she softly used only the tips of her fingers to massage the soap into my penis, and then lower between my legs. The desire to have her use a firmer touch was there, but I didn’t voice it. As with so many things when it came to Brianna, I assumed this was the first time she’d touched a man this way. From what she’d told me of her encounters with men, there hadn’t been a lot of touching on her part. She was mostly just used and tossed away. I wouldn’t treat an animal that way, much less a person.

Once she appeared satisfied that she’d washed all of me, she let her arm fall back down to her side, and her gaze dropped to the floor. Her lips pressed together again, and I could only imagine what was racing through her mind.

Turning to the side, I rinsed the remaining soap from my body before turning back to her. She looked so small when she was like this, although she was average size for a woman. Over the two months she’d been with me, she’d put on some much-needed weight. I could no longer see the outline of her hip bones beneath her flesh. Now her body was nicely rounded in all the areas it should be.

I took a deep breath. It would do me no good to get distracted, no matter how tempting seeing her like this was.

Closing the distance between us, I leaned in and brushed her damp hair away from her ear. She stood ramrod straight, waiting. “I do believe you forgot something,” I said, allowing my lips to skim over her ear and down to her throat before stepping back.

She looked up at me with wide eyes, and I could practically see the wheels turning in her head as she tried to figure it out.

Deciding to help her out just a little, I leaned back into the spray again, this time wetting my hair. When I righted myself again, she was dutifully standing there with the shampoo bottle. I lifted my hand to her cheek, and caressed her soft skin to let her know I was pleased. Her gaze dropped to the floor, and I saw the hint of a smile tugging at her lips.

Dropping my hand, I leaned forward, presenting my hair to her. She wasted no time opening the bottle and lathering the shampoo into my hair. Her fingers grazed over my scalp much as she did when we were kissing in my chair, and I watched my body react to her innocent ministrations.

Eventually, her fingers left my scalp, and I rinsed the soapy residue from my hair. After repeating much of the same process again with conditioner, I picked the body wash back up and squeezed more of the gel into my own hand. “I’m going to wash you now, Brianna, and I want you to keep your eyes on me while I do, do you understand?”

She nodded. I just hoped that having me in her line of sight would help ward off any major panic or flashbacks.

I began slowly, starting at her shoulders, just as she’d done to me. Although I didn’t think washing her back would cause a reaction, I stayed in front of her just the same, reaching around. It brought us chest to chest, and I could feel her nipples pressing against me. They weren’t completely soft; however, it was no more than what a chill would do, and I wondered if her body was reacting to mine, or if it was
just
a chill. 

“Are you cold?”

“N . . . no.” 

So maybe it was me. I smiled as I continued to wash her, bringing my hands back to her front. I glided my hands over her breasts, massaging each one carefully to ensure cleanliness, and watched as each nipple became harder under my palms. Her breasts felt good in my hands, and I had to resist the urge to pinch the tips. She wasn’t ready for that.