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Authors: Robb Pearlman

Nerd Haiku

BOOK: Nerd Haiku
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Also by Robb Pearlman

Spoiler Alert: Bruce Willis Is Dead and 399 More Endings from Movies, TV, Books, and Life

Copyright © 2012 by Robb Pearlman

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying and recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, except as may be expressly permitted in writing from the publisher. Requests for permission should be addressed to Globe Pequot Press, Attn: Rights and Permissions Department, PO Box 480, Guilford CT 06437.

Lyons Press is an imprint of Globe Pequot Press.

Layout: Joanna Beyer

Project editor: Kristen Mellitt

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available on file.

ISBN
978-0-7627-8043-3

Printed in the United States of America

E-ISBN
978-0-7627-8674-9

Just referencing the

Comic Book Guy makes this the

Best. Haiku. Ever.

Anticipation.

Heady thrill of not knowing.

Mmm, blind packaging.

Wednesday's too far in

the space-time continuum.

New comic book day.

There's nothing quite like

Shakespeare in original

Klingon. Classic lit.

I support local

independent booksellers.

“Large skim latte, please.”

Kane, Schuster, Siegel,

Lee, Kirby, Fox, and Finger,

these are names to know.

Gelflings and Hobbits

should, in theory, be besties,

but I could be wrong.

Vampires/Buffy,

The Walking Dead
/well-placed ax.

It's a yin-yang thing.

X-Men/Magneto,

JLA/Darkseid. Can't we

all just get along?

Who's faster, the Flash

or Superman? This is a

debate without end.

Eight Words: Doomed planet.

Desperate Scientists. Last

Hope. Kindly Couple.

Jason, Damian,

and Stephanie can all just

kiss Dick Grayson's ass.

Batwoman won't work

Fridays after sundown or

on Rosh Hashanah.

He's responsible

for more square miles than them all.

Don't dis Aquaman.

The Royal Flush Gang

doesn't know what happens there's

supposed to stay there.

Widow, Cat, Panther

Bolt, Lightning, or Canary,

Black is beautiful.

It's a well-known fact:

Cyclops is kind of a douche.

Jean Grey has bad taste.

Red Skull is Elrond

is Mr. Smith. What thread is

this Hugo Weaving?

Does
everything
stretch?

'Cause you could make mad money,

Mr. Fantastic.

Reed Richards, meet Eel

O'Brian
and
Ralph
Dibny.

Oh,
it's
on,
bitches.

If I had a type,

I'd say simple and carefree:

Comic Sans Serif.

Nobody believes

me. That's what happens when you

date Sue Storm Richards.

Saved the universe,

but I'm totally bummed out.

Girlfriend's in the fridge.

My asthma kicks in

and I throw up in my mouth.

Girl in comic store.

Wish I lived before

Comics Code Authority

made skirts much longer.

Ororo Munroe

and Mari Jiwe McCabe,

my African queens.

Every day it goes

where no man has gone before,

Uhura's earpiece.

At four, I lost my

heart to an older woman:

Wilma Flintstone, MILF.

Someday we will find

the right vehicle for you,

Eliza Dushku.

From my perspective,

panties have firewalls that are

password protected.

She stopped before she

touched me down there. Again, life

has blocked my pop-up.

When we get girlfriends,

many things will change for us.

Yeah, wishful thinking.

Virgin. Gamer. I

try to vary things, but still

my right arm's bigger.

So much changed after

you got laid, but I'm the same.

Crisis on my Earth.

Eartha, Halle, Anne,

Lee, Julie, Michelle—I get

a lot of pussy.

7 of 9 +

BSG's 6 = fun.

(I majored in math.)

From Ms. Pac Man to

Ms. Lara Croft, Title IX

funding FTW!

You're such a nice girl.

Please don't disappear on me

like Kitty Pryde did.

A pat excuse not

to date me, but guess what: I

am
Y, the Last Man!

Took thirty years, but

I have a new girlfriend. Thanks,

MMRPG!

I like pillow talk,

like “Glasses are sexy,” and

“Go get 'em, Tiger.”

I see Valeris.

Girlfriend sees Samantha Jones.

Sex and the City.

The buns are OK,

but I really want you to

dress like Slave Leia.

I love you so much

that your engagement ring will

be
The Dark Crystal.

BOOK: Nerd Haiku
7.75Mb size Format: txt, pdf, ePub
ads

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