Never Been Loved (10 page)

I can’t believe he got the joke. I mean, I’m sure when I was four, there was no way I was that smart.

“Look, your body has taken a beating. I’m trying to offer you some help. I’ll give you my cell number so you can call Matty every fifteen minutes if you’re up to it. I don’t know what it’s worth, but I swear I won’t do anything to hurt him. Looks like he’s the only one that laughs at my jokes.” She grins at me. I’m probably staring like an idiot.

She’s going to kill me with her sweetness.

I settle more deeply onto my pillow, letting out a pent up breath, and letting my gritty eyes slide closed. She’s placed a scrap of paper in my hand; I open my eyes. When I’m done with my pity party, I look at Matty, knowing she’s the only one able to help me right now. And I’m also thinking she deserves a proper thank you once I can get the hell out of here and back on my own two feet. Jesus.

“You’re going to be good for Sera, right?” I ask, putting a palm on the kid’s leg.

Matty bounces on the bed, legs swinging. “Promise!”

I get a wet kiss on my cheek for my effort and more giggles. Those giggles are going to be the death of me, I swear it.

“Can we watch Peter Pan tonight, Sera?” Matty asks her. I watch him swivel his head towards her; I’m completely forgotten. I think I should be pissed at that, but I don’t have the energy for it. Better that the kid goes with Sera than my mother. She won’t watch after him anyway, and the kid hates going there. I can’t deal with another tantrum.

It’s not like I don’t know where Sera lives. I’ll bust down the door if I have to. But first, I need to sleep. The beeping on my left, measuring my stupid heart rate turns hypnotic, and I feel my eyelids shutting closed, only for me to open them more slowly.

“I’ve got something better for you.” she says, hand out, waiting for him to grab it.

I struggle to look menacing when all Sera needs to do is tuck me in and I’m out for the count.

“Buddy, cover your ears first. I gotta say something to Sera,” I say, mustering up my depleted energy and trying to convince myself to use it.

Matty stops when he gets to her, face bleached of colour when he turns to look at me. I’m pole-axed again by his looks, how very much he looks like Jules, and how she used to look at me like that when I told her there were ghosts in her room all that time ago. “You’re going to tell her bad words?”

Sera bursts out laughing, arms crossing over her belly as she bends at the waist. Eyes screwed tight, mouth wide open enough that I can see her tonsils, just belting out her laughter and I swear I feel more alive because of it. She even leans down, still laughing, and hugs Matty close to her body.

“You are the best person I have ever met,” she says, and tells him to cover his ears. Christ, she’d make an excellent mom. Did I really just think that? Yes, I did. Shit.

I lunge for her wrist, wrapping my numb fingers around the delicate joint, hoping I’m not squeezing too hard.

The reality of my situation is shitty, but I’m not stupid, no matter how much the spikes in sugar have caused damage to my brain or whatever. Christ, I really need Sera to be whatever she is, whatever she’s showing me right now. The sweetness, the affection for Matty, the attitude. I need her to be all of that, I need her to be real for me. Because if she isn’t, I may just be giving my nephew away to some psycho bitch that’ll make Aly look fucking stable.

I drag her closer to the bed, watch her shuffle closer to me, until there’s only a few inches between us. I need her to be good, or else these words are going to be more like a vow instead of a meagre warning.

“You hurt him, and I will make pain look like a fleeting memory. If he says he’s tired, check his sugar. His glucometer and Iron Man pack is at my place. You have to-”

She pulls on my grip, but I won’t let go.

“He’s diabetic too?”

Yeah, sweetheart. Want to give him back to me? More than you signed up for, isn’t it?

I want her to give Matty back, I want her to erase whatever stupid things I’ve got floating in my head that are making her out to be perfect. I want her to fall short of whatever ideal I have in my head so I know that when I see her again, I’m not missing out on anything.

But I also need her to be exactly who I think she is so that I know women like her exist, and there might be some hope left in the world for me and Matty.

“I know how to use one. My mom’s a diabetic. I know what to do. I don’t have any junk at my house if you’re worried about him downing that.”

Jesus Christ, no. Sera...she knows about us? What it’s like, how we are? I swallow convulsively a few times, shaking my head. I can’t believe my luck.

“I don’t want you in this. Fuck. I don’t want you in this at all.”

Sera doesn’t deserve this. She deserves a healthy kid, and a healthy man where her only worries in life are what book I’m going to buy her next.

“You’ll be rid of me as soon as you get out. Better start concentrating on getting better then, right?”

Good job, man, you made her think she’s got some sort of contagious disease that you don’t want the kid near. Real smooth.

“Watch him,” I snarl, trying to sit up, pissed off that I’m not saying the right things. I let go of her wrist and watch her move closer to me, like she wants to help arrange me on the bed. I need to be an asshole, and I need to be one right now. The truth is, I’d let her rule my entire life in a heartbeat.

“I’ll watch him. Swear to God.” Those dark green eyes are blazing with something I think might be called sincerity.

“Swear on your life,” I say, not sure where the words come from. I figure she’s taking something important from me and I need her to even up the score.

She deep breathes, but gives me the words. “I swear, Hunter. Everything’s going be fine. Promise. Rest easy. You’ll see him in a couple of days. We’re going to OD on movies and maybe some pizza.”

Another Sera-grin for me. It’s better than all the normal sugar levels in the past ten years.

“See you soon. Matty? Come say bye.”

Matty skips over, hands free from his ears and I get slobbered on again. The kid waves good bye as I watch Sera tug him out of Monitored Care.

And then I’m alone, just like it feels I always have been.

I’m a moron, but Sera is driving me crazy. Maybe
I’m
going crazy, the constant sugar lows and highs have finally screwed up my brain and thinking processes. This is not rational behaviour. I’m pounding at her door, and I hear whatever conversation that was going on in her apartment turn to complete silence.

Sera told me she was having friends over when I called. Christ, I know this. I just can’t help the level of pissed off that I’m throwing off at her closed door. I’m surprised I’m not breaking it down by a sheer force of will.

How fucking dare they have fun, eat, drink beers and wine or whatever the fuck, and Jules’ kid’s in there, and
she’s
in there, laughing at a stupid joke, smiling at everyone but me. And now I’m the reason that her apartment has gone deathly quiet, as if they know I’m about to kill all the fun.

The door opens, too fucking slowly, and Sera’s there, staring at my feet. I look down to make sure that yeah, I did take my pants from the hospital and put them on the right side out. Her hair’s a curtain in front of her face. I have the insane need to see her face, to see her eyes. To make her look at me like I’m more than the guy she left behind at the hospital.

Shit. I’m so screwed.

“I thought you were supposed to stay the night.”

I bite my tongue until I taste blood.
What, now I’m ruining your party, princess?
Sera still won’t look at me; I find myself grinding my teeth.

Look at me, Sera. Tell me I didn’t ruin your night. Tell me you took care of Matty, tell me you are who exactly you seem to be.

“I got discharged.”
I need to tone down the asshole from my voice. “Where’s Matty?”

I’m waved into her apartment. I sweep the empty couch, and move over to her kitchen where four guys and the chick from last time are standing behind the counter. The broad looks up at me, dark brows high on her forehead. I ignore the guys. I don’t have a say in any of this, I’m just here to get Matty.

Focus.

Matty comes running from behind the kitchen counter, and collides dead on with my legs, sticking his pointy ass chin into my thigh. His hair fans out all around his head, and Jules’ eyes stare up at me from his little face.

You’d think I’d be used to the sucker-punch every time I look at him, but no. It’s still fresh, every single time.

“Daddy,” he says, twisting that fist around my gut, forcing up my throat in hot shame, “all these boys here, they’re not Sera’s boyfriends. They’re her
friends.
”

It’s really dumb that whatever tightness in my chest I had before walking in loosens at the sound of that when I’ve got no right to her. The kid has given a small ounce of hope and I don’t feel so run-down anymore. Yeah, right about now, I think I could bench press an eighteen-wheeler.

Somebody’s choking, and I hear someone pounding that guy on the back as coughs turn into laughs at Matty’s antics. Kids have a way of doing that, making you smile, especially when they don’t belong to you.

“That’s good kid,” I manage to say, watching the little guy as his arms tighten around my legs. I’m in for it; I should just give up. “Ready to go home?”

I tear my gaze away from him, note the crocodile tears are for the benefit of our audience, and look around Sera’s apartment once more. This is her place, the artwork, the striped carpet, the smell in here like somebody’s been baking all day long. Mom’s place never smelled like this, never smelled safe and welcoming.

The thought lights me up with anger again, and I move around Matty, dislodging his grip on me to get his pack off of Sera’s counter. I really need to sleep, I need to get my head on straight.

I need to steer clear of my next door neighbour.

“But I don’t wanna go home! I like it here! Look at all her movies! We don’t have this many movies at hoooooommme,” Matty whines, the sound like ice picks being driven into my fucking head.

Jesus fucking Christ, what is this kid
doing
to me? I look at Sera who looks mighty interested in my boots again. How much of a shit does she think I am that Jules’ kid doesn’t want to go home with me?

“Buddy, I’ve had a really long day. I just want to go home and sleep. Now let’s go.”
Please, kid, don’t give me shit, not right now. Not in front of her.
The little shit hugs my legs again, tighter this time, like he can stop me from going back to our place.

“But I wanna stay heeeeeeeeeeerrrrre!” He whines, beats his fists against my legs, and I just let him. I deserve this; I deserve to be embarrassed in front of Sera and all her friends. And I’m so fucking tired of fighting when whatever I do will never ever be good enough.

“Hunter, let’s go to the hall a sec. Matty, wait with Katie,” Sera says, looking to her friend to come do the unwinding of the kid’s arms from around me. Sera then opens the door, still not fucking looking at me, and waits ’til I head out into the hall first.

I need to punch something, I need to scream until my lungs burst, and my throat’s ripped raw. I just need to be fixed; I just want to be normal.

“You’re exhausted,” she almost whispers, and rubs her face quick when she thinks I’m not looking. Did Matty make her cry?

“I think you left against medical advice, but that’s your deal. I just wanted to let you know that I can keep Matty the night. You can sleep without having to worry about him.”

Who is this girl? Nobody’s that selfless, nobody.

“Let me do this. You’ll be right next door, super close by.” Sera says.

Yes, now she’s looking at me, and yeah, she’s been crying. Maybe they’re fake tears, just like the kid’s. Tears make me feel like shit, and even the kid knows how to manipulate me. I can’t take one more person doing it to me.
FUCK.

“He’s my responsibility. I don’t need you doing me any favours.” I grunt. “Why are you crying?”

She’s not Aly, asshole. Stop it.

Sera shrugs, and wipes hard at her cheeks, leaving them pink. Something slithers in my chest and I’m not sure what it is or what to call it. She’s goddamn adorable when I don’t need her to be.

“It really sucks that he has diabetes. That you both do. It... just really sucks.”

There, she’s done it. Sera’s blown my world apart. No one’s ever given me the tiniest amount of sympathy since I’ve been diagnosed. No one’s ever understood that it’s a battle to wake up in the morning, knowing full well that no matter how good I am, my sugar will drop and I’ll feel like I went fifteen rounds with Muhammad Ali back in the day.

Fucking hell, I could tell her everything. I wouldn’t just let her in through a tiny crack in the door, I’d TNT every single wall I have and let her really look at me. Fear claws my insides and I know when my mouth opens something awful’s going to come out.

“It hurts you, having to take care of him?”

Her eyes are bright and she’s staring at me like I could be more. I’m going to have to disappoint her.