Never Giving Up (Never #3) (22 page)

“Well, actually, we named her after both of you,” I said looking between Tilly and my mother. My mom’s eyes were just as wet as Tilly’s.

“Matilda for you, Mom,” Porter said, holding back tears I could hear in his voice.

“And Rose, for your middle name, Mom,” I said. “We really hope that Mattie here,” I said looking down at my daughter, “takes after all the strong and important women in her life.”

I watched for a few minutes as the two moms passed their granddaughter back and forth, cooing at her, touching her, loving on her. I was still baffled and completely in awe of everything happening right in front of me. Was this how my mom felt about me when I was born? I can’t imagine it’s possible that my mom loves me as much as I love Mattie. But when my mom’s eyes fluttered from my daughter up to me, I saw it; I saw her love for me. It’s always been there, but now it was different. I saw my mother differently, Tilly too. How lucky was Porter to have such an incredible mother? It was easy to take a mother’s love for granted, until you were one.

A nurse came in and smiled at the obvious and copious amounts of love in the room.

“Hi, I’m Fran. How are you feeling?” She asked me.

“Pretty good, just a little sore from sitting in this bed.” I squirmed, trying to alleviate some of the discomfort.

“You’ll be moved to the Mommy and Baby wing in about an hour and the beds there are much better. Would you like to try and nurse?”

“That’s my cue to leave,” Dad joked. He stopped by my bed and kissed my forehead. “Good job, Princess. She’s perfect.” He shook Porter’s hand again and then made his exit, going to sit in the waiting room until my mom was ready to leave. I looked up at Tilly and my mom.

“Will you guys stay?” Honestly, I was a little nervous to try and feed Mattie for the first time and could have used all the help I could get. Both of them agreed with smiles; I don’t think wild horses could have dragged them from the room. Tilly handed Mattie back to me and the nurse helped me adjust her and myself to try to get her to latch on. At first, it was awkward and a little embarrassing. Mattie seemed more interested in sleeping than eating so I was just rubbing my nipple on her face, trying to tempt her, and it seemed a little strange.

The nurse was very helpful and kept talking so that even though I felt awkward, She made it seem like the most natural thing and I guess, of course, it was.

“Let’s unwrap her and see if some cold air won’t wake her up.” She laid Mattie out on the bed and unwrapped the blanket from her. I felt my heart flutter as I watched her curl up, trying to escape the cold air, her little legs bending up towards her chest, her tiny butt perfectly round and cute. I fell in love with her a little more just then. Her eyes didn’t open, but she moved around, so the nurse brought her back and did all the dirty work, manipulating my breast for me, getting Mattie to open up her mouth.

Again, I felt uncomfortable as this strange woman’s hands gripped my breast, but I tried to go with the flow, tried to pretend like this isn’t the most unusual position I’ve ever been in. But suddenly, all my concerns about modesty and shyness floated away and dissipated when I felt Mattie’s mouth latch on to me. I looked down and saw her perfect mouth wrapped around me and I couldn’t help the tears that formed in my eyes. She suckled and made the tiniest whimpering noises I’ve ever heard.

“Oh my God,” I whispered. I felt Porter press a kiss against my temple, but I didn’t dare look up at him. I couldn’t. I stared at Mattie for as long as I could. I don’t think I could ever tear my eyes away from her, from this. I’m connected to her like I’ve never been connected to anyone.

Eventually Mattie fell asleep and no longer fed, but just slept with me in her mouth.

“She’s asleep,” I said quietly to the nurse who was making polite conversation with our moms while I nursed Mattie, all of them laughing and smiling as if the most miraculous thing in the world wasn’t happening in my arms.

“Newborns are so lazy,” she said with a smile. “You might find her to be more lethargic in the next couple of days due to the hematoma, so you’ll need to try extra hard to get her to latch on. If I’m not here to help, there’s always a lactation specialist on the floor, so don’t hesitate to ask for help.”

“What hematoma?” Tilly asked. We spent the next five minutes explaining Mattie’s condition, taking her hat off and showing our moms her injury.

“You should try to feed her at least every two to three hours, and if she’d too tired to eat, make sure you’re pumping. Ring the bell if you have any questions.” Fran said goodbye to everyone and just as she left, another nurse entered and informed us it was time to change rooms. There was a flurry of activity, but I kept my eyes on Mattie and my arms wrapped around her. They didn’t allow me to hold her as we moved rooms, but they did allow Porter to wheel her in a bassinette.

Our parents decided to leave us, all needing sleep just as much as we did. We said our goodbyes and the nurse got us situated in our new room—and, yes, the bed was much more comfortable. I was given a ton of instructions from the nurse, all of which were overwhelming, and she could tell I was exhausted. She left us, claiming she’d return soon to check on us.

Suddenly, it’s just Porter, Mattie, and me. The three of us. Alone. I looked at him and it occurred to me that he had yet to hold his baby. I was instantly ashamed that I hogged her, that I let everyone else hold her first.

“Porter, you haven’t held her yet,” I said, urging him to come to us. “I’m so sorry. Why didn’t you say something?” He shrugged.

“Watching you with her has been the most wonderful experience I’ve ever had. I didn’t want to take her from you,” he said, simply. My heart liquefied at his words. It was typical Porter to put me and my needs before his own.

“Come over here,” I whispered, scooting over on the bed so there was enough room for him to sit next to me. Once he was so close to me I could feel the heat radiating from him, I passed Mattie over, gently laying her in the crook of his elbow. He didn’t falter, didn’t seem nervous at all. He took her and he held her firmly, without hesitation. He was a natural. Her tiny, perfect head fit snuggly against the strong muscle of his bicep, and her pristine, creamy and pink face looked flawless against his tanned skin.

“She’s so beautiful,” he whispered, his eyes not blinking, using every moment to just look at her. I leaned my head up against his arm, listening to him breathe, watching him caress the feather-soft tuft of hair at the nape of her neck. “She’s perfect, you know,” he said quietly, looking into my eyes. “You made a perfect little girl.”

“
We
made a perfect little girl.”

He kissed my forehead. “You did most of the work.”

“Well, that I won’t argue with you about.” I sighed and leaned my head against him again, exhaustion taking me over.

“I was really scared there for a little while.” His voice was still quiet, but now it was hesitant and almost weak. I looked up at him, wondering what in the world could ever possibly make my husband sound so broken.

“What do you mean?”

“For a while there I was afraid you and the baby weren’t going to make it through that delivery. You were so brave and so determined, but she just wasn’t coming out. You were bleeding so much and trying so hard . . .” His voice trailed off and I watched him take a few shuddering breaths, his fingers never leaving the baby’s fine hair peeking out of her hat. “I refused to let myself think what would happen to me if I lost you, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t scared today.” He turned his face to look at me, eyes wet but not spilling over with tears. “I don’t ever want to find out what life is like without you. I need you, Ella. We need you.”

I thought about his words and tried to imagine what the birth must have looked like from his point of view. I imagine I would have been nervous and scared had I witnessed that too.

“What’s funny,” I began, hoping my insight might make him feel a little better, “is that I wasn’t ever once concerned about myself or the baby.” I leaned back against his arm and looked down at Mattie, still comfortably sleeping in her father’s arms. “I just kept thinking that I only had one job and that was to get her out. I was going to push and push and push until she was here. But when the doctor said it was now or never, I just knew it was up to me.” I shrugged a little, my eyes drifting closed. “I just did what I had to do to protect her,” I said, sleepily.

We sat there in silence for a few moments and I could feel myself drifting away. I was nearly asleep when I had a thought of panic and I sat up, looking around for the baby. I breathed a quick sigh of relief to see Porter still awake and looking down on her.

“I don’t feel comfortable sleeping with her in the bed. Maybe you could take her to the rocking chair? Or put her in the bassinette?”

“Sure. No problem,” he said, slowly standing up and moving to the chair.

“But, uh, Porter?”

“Yeah?” He said as his beautiful brown eyes found mine.

“Don’t fall asleep while you’re holding her. If you get tired just put her down, ok?”

He laughed at me and smiled. “Don’t worry, Ella. I’m not going to break her. But I promise I’ll put her down if I get tired.”

“Thank you.” I laid back down and pulled the thin hospital blanket up around my shoulders.

“Ella?”

“Yes?” My head sunk into the pillow and I felt myself starting to relax.

“Thank you for giving me a family.”

I opened my eyes and saw him staring down at Mattie and I saw so much love beaming down on her. “Yeah, well, thanks for being a good son and driving a total stranger home in a rain storm.”

He looked over at me and we both smiled, knowing that so much more was in store for us.

The first two weeks of having a new baby was nothing like I had expected it to be. I can’t really remember what I was expecting, mainly because remembering anything, including my own name, at some points was a stretch.

Mattie was the perfect baby—during the day. She slept beautifully—during the day. She cooed and cried and opened her beautiful eyes every once in a while to take in her surroundings. But at night, well, things could have gone better. The baby cried, I cried, and sometimes Porter looked as though he was a deer in headlights. The poor man didn’t know up from down some days and there were times I was no help at all. I had my fair share of breakdowns in the darkness of night, having absolutely no idea why my baby cried for hours.

One thing I did learn, though, throughout all the madness of that transitional time, was that sometimes you had to throw out all the advice and parenting books you’d read and just listen to your baby. Mattie wouldn’t sleep or stop crying until she laid directly on me. So guess where she slept? That’s right: on me. This particular arrangement made it difficult for me to sleep, but I was happy to lay in the dark, half dozing, if it was quiet and Mattie wasn’t crying. Porter did everything he could to help; if she was awake, he was awake. But if she was sleeping it made no sense for him to lie awake with me. I used those quiet moments in the dark to reflect on how much my life had changed, to imagine where we’d be in another year’s time.

Thankfully, I never found myself drifting into the darkness in my mind. The events surrounding my shooting and Kyle would seep into my thoughts at times, but I never wallowed. I allowed myself to process the thoughts, I even wrote some of them down if I thought it would be helpful in court, but then I moved on. I let my mind wander elsewhere. I never panicked and I never worried. It was a new feeling of being content I’d never experienced.

I also expected that after having a baby, for a little while at least, my sex drive would be gone and, in some ways, it was. I definitely didn’t want to have sex; sitting was a hardship sometimes. But seeing Porter shirtless holding our baby, talking to her about her day, was the biggest turn on ever. He was so gentle with her, so careful. If I had thought he’d used soft hands with me before, I was wrong. He was soft with Mattie, soft for her. The sun rose and set with her. She had the secrets to the universe and he tried to coax them out of her every evening, rocking with her, telling her stories, running his fingers over the soft hair on her head.