Never Land (16 page)

            “He's not mad,” said Luc, sitting down next to me on the sofa. “Just tired. It's been a really stressful couple of weeks for all of us. I think he just needed some time on his own.”

            “Away from the girl who screwed everything up,” I said miserably.

            “You didn't screw anything up,” Luc said. “Believe me. I did – I was stupid to say that stuff about Roni out loud. I was annoyed at Danny and a bit jealous and I wasn't thinking straight. And besides, if anyone should be apologizing it's
her.
That woman's downright crazy – concocting a takeover of RRR just to get at you and Danny.”

            “But it's my fault,” I said, sniffling. “Just like Geoff – this whole stuff with Kyle....”

            “Kyle's being an idiot,” said Luc. “He needs to grow up and accept things the way they are. It's not your job to coddle him...”

            “I just feel...” It all came flooding out in one big vale of tears. My voice grew shaky and I started to sob. “The band – my friends – my boyfriend – it's all gone, Luc. I don't know what happened. Everything was going so great – and now...I've lost everything!”

            “Hey...” Luc put his arms around me, hugging me tight. “Listen. You haven't. You
know
you haven't, Neve. You haven't lost me.”

            I looked up at him gratefully. His warmth, his maturity. The way he'd handled all the drama – not by freaking out and getting drunk, like Kyle had, or by getting mad at me and blaming me, the way Danny had. He'd been there for me – put his feelings out there on the table, respected my decision to stay with Danny, never made me feel that I'd done anything wrong...Luc was more than just the handsome boy who had been my best friend. He was a man now, in every sense of the word. Courageous. Compassionate. Strong.

            And I'd been so stupid – so blind – that I hadn't been able to see it. I'd let myself get wrapped up in Danny, in the drama, in Roni and Peyton and all the problems we had that I'd ignored the beautiful, steadfast guy right next to me.

            “I don't want to step in on Danny's turf – I really don't,” Luc said. “But I'm here when you need me. As a friend – nothing more.”

            “Danny doesn't have any turf anymore,” I said. “He wants nothing to do with me.”

            Luc looked at me, a strange expression in his eyes.

            “You mean…”

            “He stopped answering my calls after that night with Geoff. Wrote me a letter – that's all. Doesn't return my emails, my texts, nothing. We're over, I guess. I just wish he'd told me...”

            “That's awful,” said Luc, looking genuinely outraged on my behalf. “I mean – he seemed nice, but that's a
dick
move, Neve. You deserve a hell of a lot better than that.”

            Being so close to him, feeling his warm body against my own, feeling loyalty, his trust – it overwhelmed me. I wanted this pain deep down inside me to stop – the pain of loss, the heartbreak that was deeper than anything I'd felt before.

            “I know I do,” I whispered back. And before I knew what I was doing, I was leaning in, kissing him, wrapping my arms around his neck and bringing his lips closer to mine. Releasing all my tension, my anger, my pent-up worry.

            There was no more band, no more Danny. No more of other people's rules I had to play by, fear of hurting Kyle, of causing drama, of the paparazzi catching us out. Nothing to stop me from being free, from following the call of my own desires.

            His kiss was natural, passionate. His touch wasn't as expert as Danny's – his movements seemed less calculated – but the natural intensity of his desire was more than enough to fill me with longing. The love that shone in his eyes was overwhelming; I wanted to capture that love, to bring it into myself and my own soul.

            Soon we were lying on the sofa, breathless, me taking off his top, him taking off mine. I took him in – the chiseled chest, the dark olive skin. He was beautiful – as beautiful as...no, I wouldn't compare them. I couldn't compare them. I had to forget. I had to
forget.
I closed my eyes as Luc lightly took my breasts into his mouth, his tongue tracing the outline of my nipples, making me moan.

            He knew what he was doing. He knew exactly how to please me.

            “I knew you'd be beautiful,” he whispered into my stomach. “I just didn't think you'd be this beautiful.”

            He pushed me back onto the couch and began fiddling with my jeans, unzipping them, slipping his hands down into my panties, his mouth heading south....

            I felt a pang of fear. This was going so quickly. Days before I'd been doing this in London with Danny – now here I was, about to let Luc go down on me. My body ached for release – but my conscious mind stopped me. Whether or not I had to worry about “the band” any longer, I knew this wasn't a good idea. Rushing headlong into sex again was a surefire way to break my heart – and his.

            I pulled his head back up towards my breasts. “Let's...take it slow, okay?”

            Luc moved his hands back up to my shoulders, laughing slightly. “I've waited six years, Neve,” he said. “I think I can manage to wait a little longer, don't you?”

            I laughed as I kissed him. There was something so easy about this – so natural. It felt right, it felt simple, in a way that being with Danny never had. Two friends, comfortable with each other, with years of shared experience, shared jokes, shared trust. Luc would never compare me to another girl – Luc would never keep me dangling, waiting to hear those three little words I'd so badly wanted Danny to say. Luc would never... I had to stop comparing him to Danny! But Danny was still on my mind.

            “How about you come spend Christmas day with my family?” Luc said, nibbling at my ear. “No pressure. Not like – you know, a thing. Just a nice day with people who care about you. My mom misses you, you know. Wants to make sure you're eating properly.”

            I thought of Luc's loving, overwhelmingly friendly family. Certainly a far cry from my terrible dinner with Clarence and Veronica.

            I smiled. “Sure,” I whispered, squeezing his hand. I loved Luc, he was so familiar, so safe. How can I say “no” to him when he was offering me warmth and security?

            As he kissed me again, my thoughts drifted to Danny, and the guitar he had given me. Part of his heart…I was part of his heart – the knight he thought his mother wanted him to be. My heart felt tender, torn and shattered in a million pieces, but somehow I knew I had to be strong for myself and the guys.

            “Luc,” I said. “I don’t want this affecting our friendship either way, but it’s too soon for me…”

            “Hush,” he said taking my hand and kissing the knuckles. “We’re not rushing into anything, but just so you know, I’m still here. I won’t leave you at your time of need, and I certainly want to be here in good times, too.” He folded me into his arms and held me tight, stroking my back until I fell asleep.

Chapter 20

I never got to spend Christmas Day with Luc. No sooner had I arrived back home to see my mother and father than they enveloped me with hugs and greeted me with a surprise. We were going to get away from California, from the glittering life and the paps and the life I had known in Beverly Hills, and head to my maternal grandmother's ranch in Arizona, passing the time riding horses, helping with farm work, and getting away from everything associated with the Never Knights. I hadn't told my mother or father the whole truth about what had happened in London; nevertheless, they sensed that something was wrong, and while neither of them brought up the subject directly, they were both treating me far more gingerly than I was used to: surprising me with steaming cups of hot chocolate, giving me random and unsolicited hugs in the middle of the day, generally treating me like a child who needed to be petted. I moaned and whined and complained that I was a “big girl” and didn't need such blandishments, but deep down I appreciated the gestures. Right now I wanted to be a little girl again, curled up in my mother's arms, eating enormous forkfuls of spiced rice with my grandmother, forgetting all the stress of the past few weeks. Luc and I had hugged tightly and tacitly agreed not to deal with the consequences of our impromptu make out session until I got back; having a bit of extra time to think things over made me feel a bit better. As devastated as I was about Danny, was I ready to jump into another relationship right away? Would it make me feel better, or would it only delay the inevitable moment when I fell apart? Plus, I could only imagine how Kyle would react when he learned the news. Losing me to Danny was one thing, but losing me to
Luc
, another long-term band-mate, would be worse still. My heart broke for Kyle, and yet I knew that the problem seemed unsolvable. Kyle only wanted one thing, and that was something I could never give him.

***

Spending Christmas morning at the ranch managed to assuage my hurt feelings somewhat. I was far away from everyone now – far from Danny, far from Luc, far from Kyle. I could focus on the shiny presents under the tree and the sweet smell of nutmeg and cinnamon in the air, trying all the while not to think about Danny. He wanted nothing to do with me – I knew that now. Yet as I stared at the presents under the tree, I couldn't help but wonder, but fantasize –
could one of them be from him?
I'd wanted so badly to send him one, to make contact. But I'd known that even if I did send something, that snooty secretary of his was bound to intercept it, as she'd done with the rest of my calls. Danny and I were over – somehow he'd decided my betrayal was too great to forgive.

            “Come on,” my mother smiled at me. “Open your presents, sweetheart.”

            A knock sounded at the door.

            “I'll get it!” My dad sprang to his feet. “Probably the pizza.”

            “Pizza?” My grandmother looked shocked. “Who orders pizza on Christmas morning?”

            “I do...” My dad looked confused. “Pizza for breakfast – Christmas tradition in the Knight household. Don't worry – I'll still have room for your cooking.”

            My grandmother muttered her annoyances in Spanish as my dad left to answer the door.

            “Pepperoni or Hawaiian?” My mother turned to me.

            But the voices from the hall didn't sound like any pizza delivery I'd heard. My dad's voice was booming – a second voice, quieter, more restrained, engaged in conversation with him. I struggled to make out the voice – and as I closed my eyes, my heart skipped a beat. It was a familiar low voice, a familiar British accent, a voice I'd loved so long and so well. Could it be...

            The first thing I saw when he walked into the room was his long black hair, lustrous and shining like a lion's mane. Then he turned to me, and I saw the look on his face, the rapture and the pain, and the love shining out from his bright blue eyes.

            “Danny?” I whispered.

            “Neve...” His voice was hoarse, almost trembling. “You look...beautiful.” He inhaled sharply, looking at once terrified and overjoyed. “Can we go somewhere to talk?”

            My grandmother looked him up and down. “Why don't you two go feed the horses?” she said, raising a suspicious eyebrow at the pair of us.

            I nodded and led Danny out to the stables, my heart racing. Had he just come to explain, to break up with me in person? I couldn't deal with any more heartbreak; I couldn't even look at him.

            I said nothing as I began filling the troths full of water, trying to avoid Danny's gaze. But before I could say anything he'd grabbed hold of me, pushing me up against the stable walls, kissing me passionately, his mouth hot and vigorous on my own.

            “What are you doing?” I pulled away, utterly confused. “I thought we were through?”

            “I've screwed up...” Danny was trying to say a hundred things at once, his words vaulting over one another. “I've screwed up, Neve, and I'm so sorry. But one look at you and all I've wanted to do since I saw you is kiss you like that.” Tears sprang to his eyes. “I know I don't deserve your forgiveness – I don't deserve anything at all – but I can't stay away, wanting you like this. I have to try.”

            My mouth fell open. This certainly wasn't what I was expecting. All the pain he'd caused me, all the hurt, all the  heartbreak, seemed to well up to the surface.

            “You ignored my calls, my texts, my emails...you didn't want to talk to me...”

            He grabbed hold of my shoulders, pulling me to him. “I know,” he said. “I'm sorry. As soon as I agreed to quit the Never Knights and take over my duties as President of Blues Enterprises, my correspondence has been filtered. I didn’t know you had sent me all those messages. And I had so many demons, so much shit to deal with – at first I was just angry at you for that one night, and that was it. But Roni and my dad...everything piled on top of me at once. It's my Dad.” Tears began to roll down the side of his face. “He needed me to take control of the company – urgently.”
            “Urgently? How urgently...”

            “He's sick, Neve.” Tears poured down Danny's face. “And he hasn't got much time. And if I don't fight for my rights, and for yours, Roni will have control of everything. I'm working on something now – and I couldn't risk seeing you or you'd get hurt.”

            “Danny, what are you talking about?”

            “She manipulated him! He's signed everything over to her – given her so much power. And now I've got to get it back, before my father signs his whole life over to her, before it's too late. I had to pretend that you and I were through in order to convince Roni I was willing to do what she wanted.” He kissed my forehead. “It's the only way. But when I was hitting Geoff, out there in the alley, it made me realize there was nothing I wouldn't do for you. Seeing him hurt you like that – and I'm no better. I was selfish. I thought you'd wait for me...” He turned away. “I never thought I could care for someone again like this. So completely. You consume me entirely, and I have to take the risk of Roni finding out and everything else to see you here – because I can't not see you, Neve. I'm so sorry I broke your heart.” He looked up at me with trembling lips. “Will you let me mend it, Neve?”