Never Look Back (16 page)

‘What shall I do first, sir?’ Matilda asked. ‘Shall I make the beds, or light the stove so we can have a cup of tea?’

He shrugged helplessly. Matilda had been his rock on the voyage, using her own initiative whenever a problem arose, seldom troubling him with anything. He knew that he and his wife should be taking charge again now, but he had no domestic skills, and it didn’t look as if Lily was capable of even taking her own shawl off.

‘I’ll light the stove, then,’ Matilda said, as if she realized his plight. ‘You stay here and rest, I’ll see to everything.’

Giles sank down beside his wife and child as Matilda disappeared into the kitchen. He felt very ashamed of giving way to melancholy and self-doubts. But he was exhausted, his well of enthusiasm had run dry, and right at this moment he could very well understand why so many men resorted to drink to cheer them.

Once Matilda had pulled up the kitchen blind and the early evening sunshine flooded in, she was cheered by seeing the kitchen was every bit as well equipped as the one back in Primrose Hill, and larger too. It was awful that the water had to be drawn from a pump outside, she’d grown so used to turning on a tap in the scullery back in Primrose Hill, and she’d imagined that here in America everyone would have an indoor water supply. But at least it was a private pump, not one for the whole street.

The stove, on the other hand, was twice the size of the one she was used to, with three separate ovens and a tap on one side which meant it probably heated water too, but she supposed it must work in the same way. Fortunately it turned out to be much easier to lay and light than the old one, and within minutes she had a good blaze going. She went out into the yard, filled the kettle from the pump and put it on the stove, then, aware it was very quiet in the parlour, she took a peep round the door.

Tabitha was still fast asleep across her mother’s lap, her father cradling his wife in his arms. Both adults looked utterly dejected.

Alarmed, she turned back to the kitchen to find cups and saucers and as she laid a tray, it suddenly occurred to her what Giles had actually meant by ‘It’s smaller than I expected.’ He
would have no study, the kitchen would have to serve as dining-and living-room too.

In fact MacGready’s rude words about ‘One servant being enough’ were true. A third woman in such a small house would be more of a hindrance than help. Matilda didn’t really mind if this meant she had to be both nursemaid and housekeeper, but she knew Lily would see it as a step down the social scale.

Going back into the parlour, she asked Giles for the keys of the trunk so she could get the bed linen out. ‘I’ll make up the beds while I’m waiting for the kettle,’ she said. ‘Now, shall I put Tabitha up in the attic room next to me, or in the room by you?’

‘I don’t know,’ Giles answered wearily, his eyes dark and forlorn. ‘You do what you think is for the best.’

‘How is Mrs Milson?’ Giles asked as Matilda came back down the stairs much later in the evening, after seeing both her mistress and Tabitha into bed. He looked haggard with weariness and she guessed that while she was upstairs he had been thinking over the events of the day and blaming himself for everything.

‘Sleeping now,’ Matilda replied, forcing her usual wide smile. ‘Though she said the mattress is lumpy, and I probably didn’t shake it enough before making up the bed. But it’s better than the ones on the ship, and I dare say after a good night’s sleep she’ll feel a whole lot better in the morning.’

Lily had rallied round after a cup of tea, enough to look upstairs and come into the kitchen with a view to making some supper. Already weakened by sickness on the boat, the disappointment about the house and lack of welcome, when she found the bread left for them was hard, and the butter melted to mere oil, she became distraught.

Matilda had never expected that she would ever need to use old standbys from Finders Court, but faced with hard bread and eggs as the only food available, she quickly beat up the eggs, cut thick slices of bread and dropped them into it, then fried them golden-brown.

Tired as Tabitha was, she ate two large pieces with relish. Giles ate three and pronounced them delicious. Lily cautiously ate one, and cheered up enough to say what a clever idea it was and
maybe it would make a good breakfast dish. But then, just as Matilda was convinced Lily was on the mend, she went into the scullery and saw two large beetles.

Screaming at the top of her voice, she tore right through the kitchen into the parlour where she jumped up on the couch. It took both Matilda and Giles to coax her down, and even some half an hour later she was still hysterical.

‘I do hope she’ll be better tomorrow, Matty,’ Giles said, his dark eyes huge and sorrowful. ‘I feel so responsible. Do you think it’s going to be terrible here too?’

This was the first time Matilda had ever seen a weak side to her master. He had always taken charge of everything important, and he appeared to sail through his ministry work and his role as husband and father with the confidence of a man who knew everything. On the ship, he’d been the one who made them all laugh in tense moments. His often boyish exuberance was infectious, his interest in people endearing, the ship’s crew had dropped his full title to an affectionate ‘Rev’.

‘No, of course it’s not going to be terrible,’ she said quickly. She was close to collapse herself – making the beds, unpacking clothes, cooking and having to keep up a bright front for everyone else had drained all her earlier energy. ‘Once I’ve got the house straight, and Madam unpacks all her little treasures, it will be fine.’

‘I didn’t know it would be like this,’ he blurted out, holding his head in his hands. ‘I came here to work with the poor, Matty. But I didn’t think we’d have to live like them.’

Matilda felt her heart swell up with sympathy for him. On the trip out here they’d often talked up on deck, and she had come to see that his motive for coming to America wasn’t for adventure or self-advancement. He had spoken forcefully against slavery and the huge divide between rich and poor. He wanted education for everyone, child labour to be stamped out, and decent housing for the working classes. His wife had given him hell for the whole voyage and now he was beginning to doubt himself too.

‘If you think the poor live like this,’ she said teasingly, ‘then you don’t know much about the subject. Look around you, sir! This house might look a bit gloomy and drab right now, but that’s because it’s got nothing personal in it. The furniture is
decent enough, so are the rugs and curtains. Once I’ve polished the floor it will be lovely.’

As she said those reassuring words, she glanced around her and realized it was in fact the truth. With Lily’s lace chair-backs on the buttoned-backed armchairs, her pictures and ornaments softening the bareness, it would be very like the parlour back home. ‘Why don’t you go to bed now, sir? You look all in.’

He looked up at her, dark eyes boring into her. ‘Thank God I brought you with us, Matty! Your strength is so reassuring and I think I’m going to be leaning on you for some time as I’ve got a feeling Mrs Milson isn’t going to be much help to me for a while. You do know she’s punishing me for bringing her here?’

It was the first time he had ever admitted even obliquely that his wife hadn’t wanted to come. Even when it was obvious that she was wallowing in self-pity on the ship, he’d kept up the pretence that her only problem was the seasickness.

Although Matilda was touched that he felt able to confide in her, she didn’t think she should side with him against his wife. ‘I’m sure that’s not true,’ she said starchily. ‘She’s just frail, and scared about everything. But she’ll be fine in a day or two. Now, off to bed with you, I’ll make sure everything’s locked up.’

After he’d gone upstairs, Matilda opened the door on to the back yard and sat on the step looking up at the night sky. It seemed very strange to think that the stars up there were the same ones as over England, yet she was thousands of miles away. It didn’t feel a foreign place, not here in the darkness. The distant sounds of rumbling carriage wheels could be in Camden Town or anywhere. She wondered then what those beetles were – a sixth sense told her they were some kind of vermin, even though she’d seen nothing quite like them in England. Maybe she could ask someone tomorrow.

Suddenly she remembered that they hadn’t said any prayers tonight. Giles would be upset about that when he realized. Putting her hands together, she said a quick one for all of them, that Lily would wake up feeling better, that Giles would get the welcome he deserved, and that Tabitha would behave for the next few days while they had so much to do.

‘And make me strong enough for all of us,’ she added.

Matilda woke when the early morning sun hit her in the face.
Creeping out of bed, leaving Tabitha still sleeping peacefully, she went over to the small window and looked out. She doubted Lily would approve that she’d slept with the child, but last night it had seemed the sensible thing to do, in case Tabitha woke and was frightened to find herself in a strange room.

Her spirits soared when she saw a glimpse of the sea between the two houses opposite. Yesterday evening she hadn’t even looked out of the window, and during the carriage ride here she had supposed they were going away from the sea, not towards it. MacGready had said that New York became unbearably hot in July and August, he’d also ghoulishly mentioned epidemics of cholera, and tuberculosis being rife in the slums, which no doubt added to Lily’s unhappiness. But if they were by the sea, with fresh air, they wouldn’t come to any harm.

Matilda had coaxed the stove back into life, scrubbed the scullery and kitchen floors, polished and dusted the parlour, and she was still down on her knees polishing the floor when she was startled by Tabitha asking her what she was doing.

She looked up to see the little girl standing in the kitchen doorway. Her dark hair was cascading over her white nightgown, her cheeks rosy from sleep, and she looked far more like her father for once.

‘Making it look like home,’ Matilda replied, getting up on to her feet. ‘But I’ve just about finished now. I hope you weren’t scared when you woke up to find yourself all alone? I left you there and came down because you were fast asleep.’

Tabitha gave one of her wide smiles and came running to hug her. ‘Why would I be scared? I’m a big girl now.’

‘Well, sometimes it takes a while to get used to a new house,’ Matilda said, picking the child up to kiss her. ‘Do you see I’ve unpacked some of Mama and Papa’s things?’ She waved her hand towards the mantelpiece where the clock and a couple of china shepherdesses were sitting. ‘But we’ll have to wait till your papa comes down to put the clock right. I don’t know what the time is.’

She guessed by the increased sound of traffic from outside that it was around eight, and if so it was time she got breakfast started. She was looking forward to Giles and Lily seeing what she’d done. Now that sunshine was coming in through the
parlour windows and everywhere gleaming with polish, it looked like a different room. ‘Shall we get you bathed before Mama comes down?’

Matilda hadn’t found a bath, there wasn’t even one outside in the yard, but there was a huge fish kettle in the scullery big enough to sit Tabitha in.

Tabitha thought it was a huge joke to be sitting in a fish kettle, and after washing her Matilda left her to play with a tin mug and a couple of spoons while she put the kettle on and laid the kitchen table.

Giles came down as she was drying Tabitha on her lap in the kitchen. She had never seen him looking so unkempt, his shirt was crumpled and he had thick dark stubble on his chin, he hadn’t even combed his hair. He looked more like her father used to in the mornings than a parson.

‘If you give me a moment I’ll get you some hot water,’ she said. ‘I think you’re too big to bathe in a fish kettle!’

Tabitha thought that was very funny and burst into peals of laughter. Giles laughed too.

At once Matilda felt easier. Giles had always liked jokes, and if he’d got his sense of humour back they’d all be fine.

‘Washing and shaving are the least of my worries right now,’ he said. ‘I thought I’d take a quick walk and see if I can find some fresh bread for breakfast. Perhaps I ought to try and find a bath too.’

‘Let me do that,’ Matilda said eagerly. She was dying to explore. ‘I can dress Tabby quickly and she could come with me.’

Giles frowned. ‘I think I ought to check out how safe it is around here first,’ he said.

‘Do you think there might be savages with bows and arrows waiting round the corner?’ she said teasingly.

He smiled. ‘Didn’t I tell you about the cannibals and wild animals? How very remiss of me, Matty,’ he joked, looking and sounding much more like his old self. ‘Maybe we could all go together. There’s safety in numbers.’

‘Then perhaps you’d better spruce yourself up first,’ she said archly, forgetting for a moment who she was talking to. ‘I mean, it wouldn’t do for the new parson to be seen like that!’

He smiled, and patted her shoulder. ‘What would I do without you, Matty? Always the voice of reason!’

‘It’s a lovely place, Mama,’ Tabitha said excitedly as they ate breakfast over an hour later. ‘We saw the sea, and we went in a shop and lots of people lifted their caps to Papa.’

Matilda looked cautiously at her mistress, trying to gauge her mood. She had come downstairs fully dressed a few seconds after they arrived home but she’d merely sat down in the parlour and apart from replying to her husband’s question about whether she’d slept well, she said nothing more.

Aggie had always made porridge for breakfast, but Matilda wasn’t convinced that the stuff the man in the shop called oatmeal was the same, and besides, it took too long to cook, but she’d got more eggs and some sausages, along with quite a selection of fruit.

‘You’ve done very well for us, Matty,’ Lily said after a few minutes. ‘Was the food in the shop like home?’

‘No, it wasn’t,’ Matty admitted. ‘There seemed so much more than we are used to and there were vegetables and fruits I’ve never seen before. I think we’ll have to get someone to explain everything to us.’