Never Without Hope (Sacred Vows Book 1) (6 page)

He paused for just a moment—probably to catch his breath—and with labored breathing he held my face and whispered heatedly, “Woman, I have dreamed of this.”

I swallowed hard, not sure how to respond, but excited nevertheless.

As he approached me with some hesitance, he stared into my eyes, then tipped his head down and buried his face in my neck. He inhaled deeply and sighed. “You smell so good. Like sugar.”

I grinned, reflecting on how I
’d discovered an old present under the bathroom sink that morning as I prepared for my shower. The brown sugar body scrub my older sister had given me for Christmas two years ago sat unopened, so I’d removed the lid and rubbed it all over me.

The sensation of his lips on my neck made me shiver.

“I want to taste you skin, Hope. You so soft, so wonderful.”

That comment really got me going, as my body mirrored him in that way. So when our frenzied kissing eased a bit, he led me by the hand to what he called his spare bedroom. I forced my attention straight ahead. I didn
’t want to see any pictures of his family. Then I might change my mind.

The room looked comfy, but there was nothing hanging on the walls. Some cardboard boxes lay on the floor in the corner of the room. I peered at the bed, glad to have the comfort of a real mattress underneath me, and thankful it wasn
’t the bed he slept in with his wife. That would’ve been too much.  I already felt morally bankrupt, but pushed that thought out of my mind.

He gazed at me with adoration and asked me to remove my clothing. With my eyes fixed on his, I did as he asked. His eyes wandered, but returned to mine until I had finished. It had been a long time since I felt so beautiful, so revered.

Motioning for me to come closer with the gesture of his hands, I obeyed, and thus began an hour of bliss. Tony had amazing aptitude and had me going completely crazy until I thought I’d die. Yes, it was that intense. And I ate up every minute and suddenly understood why so many women in Hollywood wanted younger men. They were amazing!

When we finished, I lay in his arms, my cheek against the soft hairs on his chest.
“I still cannot believe I am doing this,” he said with a tinge of awe in his voice.

“
Me either.” I lifted my head and peered into his eyes.

“
I’m so confused,” he frowned and gazed back at me. “I love my child, so I must stay with my wife, but I long to see you. I don’t know what to do.”

“
Let’s enjoy what we have and not think about that just yet.”

“
I suppose that is best.” He closed his eyes, kissed my hair, and stroked my back.

“
Yeah,” I sighed and lay my head back down. As I pondered our conversation, I played with his hand, tracing the lines on his palm, then kissing his fingers one at a time.

“
You know, I never think you do this with me.” His voice reflected wonder.

“
Yeah?” Me neither.

I slid my fingers through his until we held hands. Ironically, his wedding band was still missing. Mine shone bright as the diamond reflected rays from the sunlight shining through the window. For a moment I wish
ed I’d thought to take it off.

Not that it would
’ve mattered.

Ring or no ring, I would
’ve still joined Tony in bed. I wanted him that much.

“
You know what’s so amazing?” He removed his hand from mine and ran his fingers down my arm as he propped his head with his hand and admired my body. A smile of appreciation formed on his lips.

“
Hmmm…?” Beyond his agility in the bedroom? I couldn’t think of a thing.

“
I look at you stuff on website. I read your book. You do not seem like woman who want this, but I sense passion in your book and I take chance.”

He squeezed me in a brief hug and mumbled into my hair as he kissed me several times.
“I’m so glad I take chance, Hope.”

My eyes grew moist when I thought about what he
’d said. Though I was glad that he wanted to please me, I thought about what a bad witness I’d been. I think that hurt most of all. But it was too late now. The deed was done.

He released a deep sigh.
“I am sorry, but I must give bad news. I just find out yesterday we must move in six weeks. My job is sending me to Michigan for work. A few days ago I got promotion and before I move I need to sell house. My company wants for me to open halfway house in Flint. I was counselor in Italy before I move to United States. They make me new director. My wife, she is very happy with this because she is near family in Michigan. That is where she visits this weekend. I would go, too, but I must work.”

I lay still, blinking back hot tears as I processed his words, trying to figure out what his disclosure meant.

He grinned and kissed my forehead. “But I am so happy you come to see me. That makes me feel so good.”

When it finally clicked in my brain, I sighed with relief. He was moving! At last, a way out! Then I wouldn
’t have to choose between Tony and my family. If he moved, I would no longer have temptation nipping at my heels. That was wonderful news indeed! “You’re moving? That’s…that’s so great!”

“
Wait a sec.” He maneuvered until he could lean against the headboard and sit up. His expression grew concerned. “Why you think is great?”

I sat up and faced him. Touching his hair at the nape of his neck, I drew him close for a brief kiss.
“Don’t you see? Then this…thing we’re doing won’t go on forever. We can go back to our lives like they were before. And I don’t have to keep seeing you behind my husband’s back!”

“
Is not so great to me. I desire you, not my wife.” Tony frowned and looked sad. Even a bit worried.

“
That’s bad, Tony. You must desire your wife. You have to. Especially if you’re moving. If you don’t find a way, then you’ll find another woman, and that would be too risky for you. Especially after this...” I laid my head on his shoulder and sighed. “I wish it were easy for me at home. But it’s not.”

“
Why is that?” He touched my chin and directed my face until he could look at me.

“
My husband doesn’t want to have sex anymore. I don’t know what’s wrong, but he can’t seem to get in the mood.” Tears filled my eyes.

“
That is impossible. No man could resist you unless he crazy man.”

I brushed the tears from the corners of my eyes.
“Yeah, well, thanks anyway.”

We held each other for several minutes in silence.
“So what are you going to do to work things out with your wife? What went wrong in your marriage?”

“
Is hard to explain. Ever since she have baby she not want sex. Actually, this start before baby was born. I kiss her and try things but she pull away. I not want to force her so I stop trying so I make her happy. But she still not happy. She says it is the baby that makes her not want sex, but my baby is almost six months old. There is no excuse for not wanting sex. But she insist and she get angry with me. When she does give in, I know she is not interested, but does from duty. That turns me off. Is very hard for me.”

“
Yeah, I know what you mean.” I played with the hair on his chest, wishing my husband would even try to please me. I’d take anything at this point.

“
Is your wife Italian?” I asked absently as I watched his chest rise and fall, mesmerized by the reality of his naked body next to mine. Still feeling heady with a desire for more.

Tony chuckled.
“She is white American like you.”

“
Mmmmm…” My curiosity appeased, I didn’t know what more to say.

He kissed my hair and squeezed me with a little grunt of affection, his hand trailing down my arm.
“Thank you so much for coming to see me.”

My throat tightened with emotion. I felt so mixed up.
“Do you think this is it? Should we say goodbye now…since you’re moving?”

Tony drew me closer and held me tight. His voice sounded husky.
“I must see you if you want to see me. I will miss you, miss this…” He buried his face in my hair, nipping at my earlobe, until one thing led to another. The next thing I knew we’d tangled together and torn the sheets loose. A half an hour later, just as he finished, the phone rang.

He hopped from the bed and answered it.
“Yes, my sweet. I am getting ready for work. How is you mom?”

As I watched him standing in the buff, talking to his wife, I wondered what I had gotten myself into. But then I remembered my husband
’s lack of interest in me, and I thought about what I had just done with Tony. My mouth curved into a smile from the pleasure I couldn’t deny. Even if our contact resulted in serious consequences, I wanted to see Tony again.

My own words came to mind.
“How can anyone do something like that and still say they’re Christian?” Fear squelched my happiness and made my pulse skip in an erratic rhythm. Maybe those people weren’t Christian. Maybe they had lost their salvation. Maybe I had. Theologically that didn’t sit right with me, but could anyone honestly think if I died on my way home that I’d go to heaven? Not in my current state.

With that thought on my mind, I hurriedly got dressed.

I was about to leave when Tony hung up the phone. With tears in my eyes, I said goodbye and headed for the door.

“
No, wait!” Tony grabbed me and held me tight. “Don’t leave me sad. I hate to see you hurting.”

He had no idea.

I clung to him and inhaled his scent, certain I was going to hell and wondering if that would change a thing. For once, I didn’t know if I even cared. How had I gotten so far away from my faith?

A little leaven leavens the whole loaf
came to mind. Yep, Tony was definitely my leaven, but I didn’t know how to get the leaven out of me. And I didn’t know if I even wanted to.

After one more brief kiss, I left his house. Turning on the radio, I listened to the lyrics of the song that was playing. Something about turning back to Jesus, that He would cover my sins with His blood and make me new. I cried as I pulled into our driveway. It was too late for me. I knew it, and my husband would soon know it, too.

I was never good at lying.

Chapter 5

The first thing that happened when I entered the house was my husband barked at me, all the while staring at the television. “You didn’t answer your phone.”

He tried to call me? Was he feeling sorry for last night?

I entered the living room so I could look him in the face while I explained what happened. I saw that he was thoroughly engrossed in a basketball game on television. There would be no real conversation tonight. But given my recent transgression, that wasn’t necessarily a bad thing.

“
Sorry. I turned it off at church.” It was actually after church, but there was no sense in telling him when I turned it off. He wasn’t listening anyway. I went to see if my son had arrived home yet and peered into his bedroom.

Empty.

Just like I felt inside.

“
Next time turn it back on after church. I needed you to get me more beer at the store.” His back faced me, so I couldn’t read his expression. Regardless, his tone suggested irritation.

“
Sorry.” Then I mumbled, “Not that I’d go buy you more of that poison anyway.”

He grunted and cracked open another beer. Then he surprised me with another question.
“What took you so long?”

Just then the NBA player on TV approached the free throw line. There were only five minutes left in the game. Now was a
s good a time as any to spill the beans. The crowd went wild and my husband jumped from his chair.

“
I was seeing my boyfriend,” I announced with a hint of sarcasm.

He grunted, then yelled at the television.

Knowing he probably wasn’t listening, I added, “I think I’ll go kill myself now.”

“
Sure, Honey.” He plopped back down and groaned, obviously upset that his team was now losing. The fact that he didn’t respond to either of my crazy statements told me he wasn’t attentive—at all. What else was new?

Unfortunately, not much.

I went to the bathroom and checked my face in the mirror. My cheeks and chin were red from Tony's stubble rubbing against my skin and my hair was all out of joint. Thankfully James had never really looked at me or he might’ve seen the strange, contented glow on my face—like someone who had been thoroughly made love to.

It would've given me away.

An hour later Jimmy came home dragging his backpack across the floor.

“
I’m really tired mom. I think I’ll go to bed now,” Jimmy announced after tossing his bag on his bed. “I didn’t sleep hardly at all.”

I loo
ked at the clock. It was only a few hours before his usual bedtime, so I hugged him and helped him get ready. After he brushed his teeth, I grabbed his face, looked him in the eyes, and said, “You know I love you, right?”

He stared at me for a moment with this surprised
“duh” look and said, “You don’t need to tell me all the time, Mom. I know you love me.” Then after a brief hug and kiss, he yawned and sauntered off to bed.

Well, at least my boy knew how I really felt. That was something. And I knew he loved me back. But lately with James acting the way he did, I wasn
’t sure about his feelings at all. I just needed a little confirmation, you know?

I sat on the couch
—near James’s chair—for several minutes just to see if he’d notice me. He didn’t, of course. Hurt and disappointed—though his detached response was completely expected—I peeked in to see if Jimmy was sleeping, and the boy was actually snoring! So I did something daring. I pulled off my shirt as I walked by the television, revealing my black lace bra.

Nothing. No response at all. Not even a whistle.

In tears again, I slinked into our bathroom and washed my face before climbing into bed. Exciting dreams of my encounter with Tony earlier that day filled my mind until I woke up frustrated. I glanced over at James’s side of the bed. Empty.

It wasn
’t quite midnight yet, so I decided to see if he was still up watching television. But first, I donned a black see-through baby doll that James had bought me when things were still wonderful between us. That outfit should get his attention.

I grinned with delight when I thought about the bliss our encounter would bring. He would make love to me again. He just needed encouragement.

Slipping quietly into the living room, I noticed he’d turned the lights down low. A heated scene played on the television, and I stared, wondering why James could watch other people getting intimate when he wouldn’t do that with me. Then I recognized the movie, and couldn’t help staring myself as the couple made love on the beach.

In the past whenever I
’d walk in front of him with my sexy nightie and flaunt my stuff, he’d get aroused, grab me, and pull me onto his lap. As I listened closer, I heard heavy breathing and wondered if the movie had turned James on.. I slinked around the corner, and not wanting to miss a chance to feel my husband inside me, I thought I’d try that strategy again.

I stood right in front of him in an alluring pose.

“Hope, what the…!”

James actually cursed at me!

Then I realized what he’d been doing, which hurt and confused me even more. But the evidence of his excitement was still apparent, so I didn’t waste any time and sat right on my husband’s lap. I tried to work him in, only to have things deflate on me.

Before I realized how enraged he was, James had pushed me off him. My head smacked the coffee table on the way down. I rubbed my head and sucked in my tears. James towered over me, his pants undone and his face beet red.
“Don’t you ever sneak up on me like that again, woman! You hear me? Never!”

“
But James, I just wanted to make you happy.” I couldn’t help but sob when he yelled in my face like that. I felt like a child being corrected and I wasn’t sure what I’d done wrong. Even worse, his obvious ability to respond to the movie disturbed me, because as soon as I got near him and touched him, everything fizzled out.

It has to be me
, I thought as a new round of grief welled up within me. I sobbed into the carpet, prostrate. I just knew I disgusted him. He didn’t even know what I’d done and yet, he still despised me.

Or maybe he had found someone else.

Maybe he was cheating on me!

The thought horrified me, until I realized how hypocritical that would be. Sucking in my tears, I stood and tried my best to look brave. I could handle this. I would.

Besides, I doubt he had someone else. He always came home right after work. No detours, no mysterious errands or absences. But I still considered asking him, until I saw him shaking—no, trembling—as I peered from the corner of my eye.

“
You want to…to make…me happy? Then…leave me alone, Hope. Just leave me alone.” James winced, then rubbed his face as he stormed from the room. He locked himself in the bathroom for a good half hour. While I waited, I wondered if I really was being selfish to want to be physically and emotionally connected to my husband. How could that be wrong?

When I realized that he wouldn
’t talk to me, and pushing him would only make things worse, I resolved to go back to bed.

I flopped on the mattress and stared at the bedroom door, wondering what was happening between
us. My gaze strayed toward the gun cabinet, and for the first time in years, I considered ending it all…until I thought about Jimmy. I couldn’t abandon him.

That would be the worst betrayal of all.

I resolved to survive my marriage crisis, but decided to stop trying so hard. My husband had made his feelings clear, and there was no changing his mind…not without a miracle.

But why would God want to help me?

Yet, I was the woman at the well, the adulteress the Pharisees had cast onto the ground. I was the unfaithful wife in the book of Hosea. Though Jesus had shown compassion to wayward women in the Bible, my husband had every reason to despise me, for I despised myself. And for that reason alone, I couldn’t call on God. Not now.

*****

The next morning when I rose to get Jimmy ready for school, I saw that James had already left for work. Probably to avoid me. But who could blame him?

As I made my son an omelet, I thought about the past few days. Part of me wanted to talk to someone
—like our pastor—about our marriage problems, and part of me wanted to just bury all the hurt and get what I needed from Tony while I still could.

Once Jimmy got on the bus, I returned to my desk and opened my e-mail. After trashing the junk mail and spam, I noticed a note from Tony.

Don’t call me today. Something is wrong. I tell you later. I call you.

That message really got me thinking. Asking myself a million questions. Did his wife know? What was wrong? Why can
’t I call? You name it, I worried about it.

All morning I waited around, staring at my phone, hoping he
’d call. It wasn’t until later that night after Jimmy went to bed that the phone finally rang. I’d had a special ring tone on my cell phone just for Tony. But that wasn’t the sound it made.

I still answered.

“Hello?”

“
Lovely Hope. It is me, Tony.”

I could hear the purr in his voice, but had to cut to the chase. I had to know what that e-mail meant. Before I could ask what was wrong, my husband came into the bedroom and started getting ready for bed. My face must
’ve turned beet red because James looked at me and asked, “Who you talking to? That boyfriend of yours?”

I panicked. Did he know? Was he kidding? I didn
’t want to lie, but man, that was putting me on the spot. So I said it was the guy helping me with my book. That was true.

James shot me a concerned look.
“Why’d it take you so long to answer me?”

“
I…I’m just not used to you asking me those kinds of questions. What did you expect me to say?” I rubbed my forehead and said to Tony, “Hold on a sec.”

James stepped over to me and kissed my forehead. He held me close for a second and gave me an affectionate squeeze.
“I love you, Babe. I’m sorry about my attitude lately.”

Aw, crud. Why did he have to be sweet now?

“Is this bad time for you?” Tony sounded nervous. “I call later.”

“
No!” I shouted and raised my hand like a child in class, blocking my husband so he couldn’t connect his lips to my neck. “I mean, no. Hold on a sec.” Placing my hand over the phone, I said, “Excuse me, James.” Then I walked to the other side of the house and whispered. “Sorry. My husband is actually being nice today.”

“
He knows you have boyfriend?” Tony’s voice held a tinge of fear.

I laughed. I couldn
’t help it. “No, he’s just got a weird sense of humor.”

“
I think that is very true. Do you think he knows?”

“
No. He just likes to hassle me. I’ve never even flirted with another guy in our entire 13 years of marriage. He would never suspect me. I don’t do things like this.” My throat tightened at the end of my sentence. “Until now, anyway.”

“
I’m sorry. Is hard for me, too. I send you e-mail today. You see it?”

I sat on the bed in our guest room and glanced at the family photo of me, James, and Jimmy when he was in the first grade. Those were the days. So where had my happy family gone?

“You still there?” He sounded worried. The stress had to be getting to him, too.

“
Yes, I’m here. I got the e-mail. What was that all about?” I darted my gaze away from the family photo or I’d start crying. My situation was so different now. I wanted my old husband back. The one who adored me. But it wasn’t to be.

“
My wife. She get online when at her mom’s home and she look at cell phone bill. She see phone numbers she not recognize. She think maybe something wrong because number on my phone are calls more than one time each day. And calls are short. She is very smart.”
Did I detect a hint of pride in his voice? Should I care?

For once I was thankful that I had an electronic voice on my cell phone and not my own. Good thing I hadn
’t upgraded my service. “Is she suspicious?”

“
I think her mother ask her questions and make her think. My wife, her mother hates men, had many marriages and all divorced. My wife not ever want divorce. She not want to be unhappy like her mother.”

“
What should we do?” I held my breath, wondering what he’d say.

“
I must still see you. But now I call you from work or from home so phone number not shows up on my bill. Will this work for you?”

I noticed the more nervous Tony seemed to get, the more grammatical errors he made. Knowing I should just break it off didn
’t make it any easier to do. Maybe I’d see him just one more time. What could it hurt?