Next Summer (15 page)

Adam had stopped calling, and turned up at the cottage early on Saturday morning instead. For once, Beth was grateful for her parents’ interference. Her mother had told him she was still in bed—factually correct, although she hadn’t been asleep—and even someone as determined as Adam didn’t try to argue his way past her mom.

Beth knew he had to work all day, so she figured he’d be easy enough to keep avoiding. She spent the afternoon wallowing at home, which was so far removed from her usual way of dealing with things that Beth knew she was in serious trouble. She picked up the phone at least a hundred times to call George, but couldn’t make herself hit the SEND button. If she got ahold of George, and didn’t tell him about Adam, she would officially become the Worst Person Ever.

Looking back over the summer, Beth could see that she
should have paid more attention to Ella’s teasing—all the G-2 comments—but she’d been in serious denial about her feelings for Adam all along. It seemed to her now that she’d started to fall for him the moment she’d looked up from the ocean current to see him pull his Jet Ski up next to her.

As evening crept in, Beth roused herself and set out for a walk. She thought she might hang out on the beach down by the pier, where it would be dark and anonymous and she could keep on brooding. Also, she was pretty sure that Adam might try to drop in on her again, and she didn’t think she could face him just yet. Or maybe not ever. She supposed that made her a total coward. But part of her was hoping that if she never saw Adam again, that would somehow erase what had happened between them. If they didn’t have the inevitable big discussion about it, then
it
wouldn’t be real.

Beth was clinging to that.

She pulled on a baseball cap and a fleece against the cool evening air, and snuck away from the cottages without calling attention to herself. She could hear her family gathering around the barbecue, the way they always did, and she felt the sudden, lonely sting of self-pity. She didn’t feel like she belonged there anymore. Beth had this not-so-irrational fear that they’d all be able to see that she was someone else, all of a sudden. Someone who would do what she’d done to George.

Swallowing the lump in her throat, Beth turned and headed down the dirt road. Once she was out of sight of the cottages, she suddenly found herself face-to-face with Adam.

“You’re avoiding me,” he said, his blue eyes dark with emotion.

Beth couldn’t deny that, so she just shrugged and rocked back on her heels. She felt like sprinting down the road and off into the night until she reached the coastline, yet at the same time she felt paralyzed.

“Look,” Adam said, stepping closer. “I know that maybe things went kind of far last night…”

Beth cleared her throat and fought down the sudden searing heat of tears. “Adam, I have a boyfriend,” she whispered, unnecessarily. “And I love him. I can’t hurt him.”

But did she? Did she love George? How could she know anymore?

“I get that,” Adam said impatiently. “But I can’t pretend I’m not happy about what happened. I wanted it to happen all summer.”

“But it was wrong,” Beth said then, turning away. “For me.” She sighed. “I never should have…” She shook her head, as if to clear it. “After we kissed that first time, I should have just stayed away from you.”

“But you didn’t.” Adam followed her, not letting her keep her back to him. “And what happened was amazing, Beth. You know it was.”

“I know you’re confused,” Adam said, sounding kind of desperate. “But we really have something special, Beth. I’ve never been this into a girl. I can’t talk to anyone the way I can talk to you. I think I’m in—”

“We shouldn’t even be having this conversation!” Beth cut him off and took a step back, terrified by the prospect of what he was starting to say. “As much as I want to, I can’t go back and undo everything. But I
can
prevent it from happening again. I can’t hang out with you anymore, Adam. We never should have crossed that line, but we did, and now I need you to stay away from me.”

“I can’t do that!” Adam replied, his voice heavy with emotion. “I don’t
want
to do that. And I don’t think you do, either. You should give us a chance, Beth. Don’t you think we at least deserve that?”

“I…” Beth stared up at his mouth, the mouth she had kissed so many times. She wished she could delete the memory of their hook up from her brain, so when she looked at him, she would feel none of this temptation or wistfulness.

“I know you feel the way I do,” Adam said softly, studying her face. “I can feel it.”

Beth reached up, and then dropped her hand to her side. It would be foolish to touch him. She knew that.

As if he read her mind, he reached over and held her shoulders, massaging them a little bit.

“Don’t throw this away,” he urged again, with a glimmer of
his smile. “We’re friends, we have fun together, and Beth, you’re…incredible. In every way.”

The night was drawing in close and Beth felt that same weakness flood her. Why was he so captivating? The urge to touch him tingled through her fingertips. She took a step closer to Adam, and he lowered his head toward her…

Suddenly, she saw a figure waver in the shadows behind Adam. She blinked and looked closer, and for a long moment couldn’t make sense of what she saw.

George stood there in the middle of the dirt road. He’d obviously just walked up, on his way to the cottages.

Beth had never seen that particular look on his face before, like all the humor and spirit that made George who he was had completely drained out of him. Some stranger, some other George, stood there, with dead eyes. She wasn’t sure she could bear to look at him, but she couldn’t seem to turn away. She was aware of too many things at once—Adam’s hands on her shoulders, how close they were standing, how George must have understood everything in one heartbeat.

“George…” Beth whispered, not even sure she was speaking out loud.

Adam turned, too, and then all three of them were standing there, staring at one another. Beth thought she could hear the tide pounding against the beach, but then realized that was just the blood roaring in her ears.

George was holding a huge bouquet of flowers. Yellow tulips, her favorite.

Still holding Beth’s gaze, he dropped the flowers in the dirt at his feet, then turned and walked away. When he was gone and out of view, all she could think was:

Ella and Kelsi were halfway back to Pebble Beach when the tire blew out. First there was a loud banging noise, then the car started wobbling ferociously.

It had been a long, strange weekend. It had been wonderful to see Jamie, as always. She was obviously in her element with all her new writer friends. It was nice to see someone so happy, but it had the unfortunate side effect of making Kelsi think about why she herself felt so unhappy. There was the Ella-Peter thing, of course, which shrouded everything in a foul smog, but Kelsi found that she spent most of the weekend thinking about the look on Tim’s face when she’d left him at U Mass.

It hadn’t helped that Ella had, predictably, overslept on Sunday morning and they’d gotten a much later start than
Kelsi had wanted. She’d been silently seething about that for hours. And there was no reason for the truce any longer, now that the weekend was over. The more miles Kelsi put between them and Amherst, the more she fumed about everything.

When the tire blew, she drove the car over to the side of the road. Luckily, traffic was light and their ordeal felt less hairraising than it might have if they had been stuck in the usual weekend commute rush hour. This didn’t prevent Ella, who had either been passed out or faking it really well, from jolting upright and screaming like the drama queen she was.

“That’s not really helpful,” Kelsi told her. The car rolled to a stop, and Ella held a hand over her heart in what Kelsi thought was a needless gesture. Like she was some affronted Southern belle or something.

“Well, excuse me,” Ella snapped. “The next time we almost die in the middle of a highway, I’ll try to behave more appropriately!”

Those words were the final straw for Kelsi.

It all happened in slow motion: Everything sort of swirled around and then crashed down on her. All the pain she’d been carrying around over Peter, which hurt so much worse now that she knew Ella’s part in it. Ella’s sudden friendship over the past year, which seemed almost more upsetting than the initial betrayal last summer, because it was all so
planned
and
coldblooded.
The fight with Tim. Even this past weekend with Jamie—Kelsi had felt so isolated and left out. She was losing her mind, and it was Ella’s fault.

That hung there for a moment, true and ugly, between them.

Ella stared back at her, her brown eyes wide and stricken.

Suddenly, Kelsi felt guilty, which made her even angrier.

“No response?” she asked. “Why am I not surprised?”

Ella shut her eyes for a moment, then opened them again. “Um, do we have a plan for the tire?” she asked in a neutral tone.

“Are you
ignoring
me?” Kelsi chided her in disbelief. The very idea of Ella trying to take some kind of high road made Kelsi’s blood pressure skyrocket.

“What do you want me to say?” Ella shouted, surprising Kelsi with both the volume and emotion in her voice. “You have no idea how bad I feel, and nothing I could say could ever make up for it.”

“How about saying you’re sorry?” Kelsi slapped her palms against the steering wheel. “Or is that too much for you?”

“Of course I’m sorry.” Ella stared at her. “I’ve been feeling sorry about this every day for the past year. Does that make you feel any better?”

And, of course, it didn’t. Kelsi hated that Ella was right.

“You know what, El?” Kelsi was horrified to hear that her voice was quivering. “I guess I would have thought the fact that I’m
your sister
should be more important to you than getting one more notch on your bedpost. It’s not like you don’t have enough already.”

Ella stiffened and her mouth tightened, but she didn’t
respond, not even to that last, cruel part. When she did, it was after she took a long, deep breath.

“It wasn’t like that,” she said quietly. “You always think the worst of me.”

Kelsi let out a short laugh. “Maybe that’s because you always do the worst things!” she said. “Maybe it’s because you’re so incredibly selfish that ever since we were kids, you’ve gone out of your way to ruin anything that makes me happy.”

“That is total bullshit!” Ella retorted. “Peter was a mistake. He was a mistake for you, and a mistake for me. We need to get past that. But if you’re not happy about other stuff in your life, that’s your own problem!”

“God forbid Ella Tuttle take responsibility for any—”

“Give me a break,” Ella groaned. “You don’t
want
to be happy, Kelsi. You want to sit around and judge everyone around you and feel superior.”

“What are you talking about?” Kelsi growled.

“Take Tim for example,” Ella said accusingly. “Why did you go all psycho on him? What was
that
about?”

“You were practically crawling all over him!” Kelsi fired back. “I don’t want a guy who wants you, Ella. Period. The thought of you stealing another guy from me makes me
sick
.”

“
First
of all,” Ella said in a low, angry tone, “you were technically broken up with Peter that night when you saw us together, okay? I’m not saying what I did wasn’t wrong, but just for the record—you had
broken up.
”

“Do you really expect me to believe that you didn’t have something going on with him before that night?” Kelsi asked.

“Right, because suddenly, a hot guy who’s alive and within range isn’t your type. Whatever, Ella.”

“—
and,
” Ella continued, right over Kelsi, “it’s not like you were even participating in the conversation. You were too busy sulking and being the big victim, which—hello—you
always
do!”

“Why am I having this conversation with you?” Kelsi asked, but she wasn’t even directing her words toward Ella anymore. Her stomach was clenched into a fist, and she was shaking. She lurched forward, threw the door open, and got out. On the highway, cars hurtled past at what seemed like amazing speeds. They left wakes, almost like boats, in the air behind them. Kelsi walked around to glare at the flat tire, and realized there were tears blocking her gaze. Fiercely, she wiped her hand across her eyes to clear them.

She heard the passenger door open and then slam, but she didn’t look up. Eventually, Ella’s ridiculously high platform sandals appeared in her peripheral vision.

“Do you know how to change a tire?” Kelsi asked numbly. She squinted at her sister quickly, and noticed that she was deliberately looking anywhere but back at Kelsi.

“No.” Ella eyed the flat. “Do we even have a spare tire?”

“Dad makes sure we do. He’s, like, obsessed.”

“How come he’s not obsessed with teaching one of us what to
do
with the spare tire?” Ella asked drily.

Kelsi ordered herself not to laugh.

“What are you doing?” Kelsi asked, giving a frustrated sigh.

“What does it look like I’m doing?”

“Sorry, I must have missed that issue of
Sluts Quarterly
,” Kelsi said.

“Very funny. I don’t see any reason why you and I should sit here and kill ourselves putting that thing on wrong.”

“So…you think sticking your boobs into the road will make someone else do it?”

Ella rolled her eyes. “Duh. That’s what boys are for.”

“Wow,” Kelsi said. “That’s really deep, Ella. I’m impressed.”

“Check it out,” Ella interrupted, sounding smug. She flashed a cat-ate-the-canary grin at Kelsi. “Can I deliver, or what?” She gave her cleavage a quick pat, which made Kelsi roll her eyes.

Kelsi turned slowly and watched a red pickup truck roll to a stop just a few feet away. Inevitably, the buff young cowboy-type behind the wheel was entirely focused on Ella’s chest.

“You ladies look like you could use a hand,” he said, which Kelsi found so beyond patronizing she almost keeled over with rage, but Ella shot her a warning glance.

“And you look like you have the kind of hands we need,” Ella told the guy. He all but preened.

“Watch and learn,” Ella shot back, and sashayed over to the guy.

About fifteen minutes later, Brian the Helping Hand was back in his pickup truck, and the Tuttle sisters had a freshly changed tire. And a phone number scribbled on the back of an old 7-Eleven receipt, which Ella threw carelessly into the ashtray.

Kelsi started the car and pulled back into traffic.

“You can thank me anytime,” Ella murmured, still smug.

“Now I
really
can’t believe you,” Kelsi retorted.

There was silence. Then, somehow, Kelsi found herself smiling. “‘Oh, Brian!’” She mimicked Ella’s flirtatious simper. “‘You’re just so
strong
!’”

Ella let out one of her trademark snorts. “Hey,” she said, “whatever works.
I
didn’t want to change that tire. Did you? We didn’t even know where to start.”

“‘Oh, Brian, I can’t believe how masterfully you work those lug nuts!’”

Ella laughed. “I never said
that—
I’m not a complete ditz!”

“You
define
‘ditz,’” Kelsi corrected her. “You do it on purpose.”

There was a quiet moment again while Kelsi switched lanes.

“I really am sorry,” Ella said quietly. “About Peter, and…everything. I wish I could undo it somehow, seriously. I never
wanted to hurt you. I’m not even sure how it all got so out of control.”

Kelsi thought about that for a moment. “So it was you he was with all summer,” she said. “Not that girl from the restaurant, the one who worked with him.”

Ella sighed. “No, I think he was sleeping with her, too. Bastard.”

“And what about this summer?” Kelsi couldn’t seem to stop asking questions, even though she was terrified that the answer was going to hurt her even more. If Peter and Ella had hooked up again this summer, it would be even worse. Maybe because it was closer. Or because she and Ella were closer. “Why was he texting you?”

“I don’t know,” Ella said. “It came out of nowhere. I think maybe he saw me around town or something.”

Kelsi thought she was going to have to see a dentist if she continued to grind her teeth like she was doing. She forced herself to stop.

“And…?” The words came slowly. “Did you…see him again?”

“God, no,” Ella said, and let out a bark of laughter. “I mean, I saw him in the sense that I looked down a street and saw him being a disgusting sleaze with some poor unsuspecting girl.” She told Kelsi about the redhead and the brunette. “But that was it. There’s been no actual contact. I swear.”

Kelsi felt herself ease up. So Peter hadn’t specifically chosen Ella. He was simply a slimeball, and maybe that shouldn’t make her feel any better, but it did.

“Okay,” Ella whispered. Kelsi thought she might even be crying a little.

“I’m your sister,” Ella said weakly after a moment and snuffled a bit. “You think I don’t know what that means, but I do.”

“I hope that’s true,” Kelsi said quietly.

After a few minutes, Ella shifted in her seat and looked at Kelsi directly.

“By the way,” she said, “I
wasn’t
flirting with Tim.”

Kelsi bit her lip. “I don’t want to talk about Tim.”

“Okay.” Ella shrugged. “But he wasn’t flirting with me, either.”

“Ella, I was sitting
right here
,” Kelsi snapped at her. “I saw—”

“Who knows about flirting, you or me?” Ella interrupted. “He was funny and he was talkative, but he was
not
flirting with me. He was being friendly. Believe me, I know the difference.”

“I don’t…” Kelsi broke off.

“He’s into
you
,” Ella said.

“I said I don’t want to talk about it!” Kelsi insisted, because when she thought about Tim, something surged inside, and she had the suspicion that it was fear. Fear that he would never talk to her again, or make her laugh, or smirk in that smart-ass way of his. It suddenly seemed that the loss of
those things might actually cripple her. And that feeling wasn’t something she could even begin to share with Ella.

Though she did kind of like the fact that Ella thought Tim was into her.

“What about you?” Kelsi asked her sister. “You’ve been out so late every night. I know it’s paranoid, but I really did think you and Peter…”

Ella gathered her blonde hair back with both hands and groaned.