Nice Guys Don't Finish Last (9 page)

An
imaginary mystic fire built around the living room area, as I sat in disbelief Abdul ignored my texts & phone calls. I did not want things to escalate into anything much bigger than they already were. I never cheated on Abdul, we were already broken up. I don’t care if it was for an hour or a day; truth is we were not together!!!

It was the beginning of February when we broke up for a day after a petty argument about Abdul leaving the ketchup bottle on the counter. It increased to him confessing he hates when I clipped toenails in the bed & leave them on the bare floor.

“If you hate the way I clip my toenails, then why are you still with me? If I’m such a horrible person, then why are you still with me” was my rebuttal for his ridiculous statement.

A portion of me was shocked he would actually leave, but seventy five percent of my body was excited to go on a sexcapade. If he could do it, so could I right? I continued to jab to the norm, but it was a moment to dib & dab.

The same night a guy I met from Facebook asked if I wanted to go to a hotel party a friend of his gathered that evening. At first, I battled with the idea, but anxious to explore spontaneity. So I decided to meet up with him.

He was not my type, but he was perfect for my experiment. I vaguely remember what went on the night after arriving to the party because my mind escapes me right now.

“Do you want him or do you want me? Cause I want you,” Prince’s raspy voice soared across the dining room as the ringtone collided with my inner thoughts. The number was unrecognizable, but out of curiosity I pressed the talk button.

“Hello, can I speak to Nicolas please,” an elderly white female asked.
“Yes, this is he. Can I ask whose calling?”
“Hey dear, this is Ms. Bridget!”
“Oh, hello Ms. Bridget, how are you?”
“I’m not fine at all. Roger was in a horrible car accident, and he’s--- dead!”

We
just arrived back to my house from Olive Garden, and surprisingly had a great time. What I enjoyed about the dinner is distinguishing we are total opposites of each other, but we still managed to agree to disagree on certain topics. He loves rap, I love Gospel. I can’t tolerate the profanity or lyrical content, and he says the choirs in gospel songs tend to holler and “fake” speaking in tongues.

“Well, I had a great time with you, little man,” Jeremy said.
“You don’t have to lie to me. I know you didn’t,” I laughed.
“Naw, I really did. Trust me, I wouldn’t have said anything if I didn’t, Jeremey.”
“I believe you, I was joking. I had a good time too,” I said.
“Awww, I feel special! I was hoping you had a great time. I hope I didn’t offend you about the church thing.”
“It’s fine. Everyone has their beliefs about church, and I can’t change it,” I lied. The comments he made about the church really did make my skin scuttle.
“One thing I forgot to ask you, is do you believe in gay marriage,” he asked.
“Hell no. The church would crucify my ass if I did anything like that.”
“But you don’t think condoning a gay lifestyle is already a sin? If you believe in dating or having sex with guys, then why can’t you get married to them,” he asked.
“Marriage is another level of commitment. It’s one thing to have sex with a guy and feel horrible about engagement, but to actually get married to a guy. I think that is a bit much,” I said defensively.
“So why indulge any of it, altogether? That is what I don’t understand about the church folks. All of you people tell everyone how they should change for “Him” and pretend like this sin is better than that sin! It’s all contradictory, I don’t get it,” he insisted.
“First of all, who is ‘all of you people’? Because I never said any sin was better than another. You asked for my opinion & I gave it to you.”
“Maybe you feel this way because of how young you are, and you may not see the big picture,” he said.
“Excuse me, but my age has nothing to do with my opinions. If I don’t agree with gay marriage, then that is my opinion. I believe that God put man & woman on earth to marry, and that me being with a guy is dead wrong. But what can I do about that,” I asked.
“I don’t know pray or something. You are a Christian, shouldn’t you know that answer? It’s funny how you contradicted yourself, again. One minute you say how dead wrong it is to be with a guy, yet you are indulging in it. It’s one thing to feel a certain way about someone and not act on it, but a sin is created by doing exactly what the church planted in your head not to do.”
At this point, it was no winning this argument. I never back down from a fight, but this is the first time someone has ever challenged me. It made me realize that no matter how I look at it; the situation is bad. In comparison, it is like saying I find a distant cousin attractive, but because we are far across the blood line, I have sex with them. Wrong is wrong, but I cannot admit he is right.
“So what are you suggesting Jeremy,” I asked. “We are not on the same page, you need to accept the fact we share different opinions. And that’s that,” I continued.
“That’s cool, little man! But what I am trying to convince you is no sin better than the other. If you pursue a regular relationship with a guy, then why not get married to him,” he asked.
“Jeremy, you do not understand what it is like to be attracted to guys & have a religious family. If I am married to someone, I don’t want to hide it. Therefore, I won’t get married,” I sighed.
“So are you saying that in a relationship, you would hide it,” he asked.
“That’s exactly what I’m saying. No one needs to know my business.”
“Would you ever get married to a woman,” he asked.
“Of course, that is what I am aiming to do. The only right thing to do,” I yelled.
“Only right? But what if the attraction towards the female is forced? What if you do not love her, and she loves you? What are you going to do about that,” he asked.
“I don’t care what it sounds like to you, but I am aware what is right for me. Attraction is not important, my parents always wanted me to have a family & teach ministry like them. The only difference is I want to be a gospel singer,” I responded.
“You cannot be serious! That is the most inconsiderate thing I have ever heard someone say. I don’t think I could deal with someone as selfish,” he said.
“Well, alright unlock the door & let me the fuck out then,” I yelled as I struggled to unlock the open.
“Chill with the way you are opening my door.”
“Open the damn door,” I yelled banging against the door forcibly as I waited for the lock to pop open. The confusion sealed in Jeremy’s eyes concerned me, but I refused to lose this battle to him. I calmly got out of the car and slammed the door accidently jamming my index finger shut.

I
sat in the Exxon parking lot, reading Nico’s text message over & over, searching for a correct response. Grudges are redundant & serve no purpose in the end, but I am eager to make him feel the way I did when he treated me like manure. Why save something which brings unhappiness to you?

“Have you ever been in love with someone & attempted to give your all, but the second party made it hard for you? Call me with your answers, and let me know how you feel about this topic. You are listening to Ladawn Black on 92Q’s
‘Love Zone’
”, the radio personality seductively said before playing “If This World Were Mine”!

Is it a coincidence she would even ask a question similar to my relationship? Would it be the best decision if I called in to gain advice?

Our relationship is jam-packed with secrets, and a bad head space. Speaking of secrets, he has no idea my sergeant reached out to me during that ‘trip’ to the doctors. They want me to fight in Iraq with them, and it is the most terrifying thought ever.

Honestly, I fought my entire life whether against the social service system, being a parentless child, or a bully at school, the terrorist attacks in Japan two years ago, or my relationship! I live my life protecting the world, but when will anyone ever guard me? When will someone have my back when my endurance diminishes?

“That was one of the most tender and sincere vocalists, ever to sing, the late Luther Vandross. Before the break, I asked if you ever been in love with someone & tried to give your all, but your partner continues to challenge your feelings & take your love for granted. I have a caller on the line, what do you they think,” Ladawn asked the caller on the radio, as I curved the volume up.

“Well, Ladawn. There is a gentleman I been dating for a year, and I love him to death but he constantly tells me I place my job before him. I try to make time for him the best way I can. But I have a serious passion for my career, and he knew this prior to the relationship, but he’s not understanding that,” the female caller said.

“So, you are speaking from a perspective of actually taking your partner for granted. Very interesting, so what kind of work do you do?”

“I am a lawyer, and it is very demanding! I want to make it clear I do not take him for granted at all. I worship the ground he stands on, and I would do anything for my man. I just cannot devote all of my time to him. He tells me every chance he gets, I’m not loving him the way he deserves to & I’m not as affectionate as I used to be,” the caller said as I visualized her to be kooky with eyeglasses & a cinnamon bun in her hair.

“He is a police officer, so he should understand how difficult it is.”
“I agree, but echoes like there is a deeper issue than your job to me. Perhaps, maybe there is an issue with the intimacy level between you two. Every chance you get, you should be able to lay down with your man & tell him how much you love him. The smallest things make a relationship work,” Ladawn advised.
“I understand that, but I don’t feel like kissing or having sex with him every night,” the caller said.
“Intimacy does not equate to sex, as I stated earlier-- a phrase as simple as I love you or a compliment to your man could really make a difference. I am not inferring you take him for granted, but display appreciation for your man. He sounds like a good guy,” Ladawn insisted in her seductive tone.
“He is a good guy, and I want to make this work. Thanks for your advice, Ladawn,” she said as her voice faded, and a beat transitioned into the speakers. The words vibrated into my ears, Ladawn could feel my pain through this car because she played every song significant to my emotions.
“I couldn’t fathom I would ever be without your love, Never imagined I’d be sitting here beside myself, Cause I didn’t know you, I didn’t know me, But I thought I knew everything I never felt,”
Mariah Carey sung as my eyes filled with angst reflecting on the good moments we share together. What if the bad outweighs the good?
Stubbornness convinced me to maintain a grudge as I acknowledged how nice guys are bolted over when they make a careless mistake, and grudges are held against them forever. When others hurt me, I easily forgive them. They yield my kindness for a weakness, and it is time to put an end to it.
“We belong togetttthhheeerrrrr,” Mariah belted through the speakers, as I switched the station to the oldies but goodies.
I suddenly received a tap on my car window, by an older white cop with gray hair; beer belly hanging over his belt appeared stocking a tight grip on his gun on the side of his love handles. Although I work in the law enforcement field, I dislike cops with a passion for their laziness & advantage of their power.
“Is everything alright in there, sir? I noticed you have been sitting here for over an hour,” the officer said.
“I am about to leave in a few minutes. I had some things on my mind, officer,” I said.
“Well, I’m sure there are other places for that! You are taking up space here, young man,” he scratched his head.
“Okay, I just need to go back in so I can get another pack of cigarettes & I’ll be on my way home.”
“Son, I don’t care what you do. I just don’t want you sitting out here in this parking lot because it will become suspicious,” he said with concern. “Besides I’m about to be offduty, so I thought I would give you a warning.” The burly frame in contrast to his seemingly generous personality threw me for a loop.
“Thanks for reaching out, sir,” I said.
“You have a good night, and stay out of trouble,” he said as he walked away & his silhouette faded.
Before pulling off, I had a sudden urge to get an Arizona ice tea & Grandma cookies. I got out of the car and proceeded inside the gas station. The Arabic cashier stood behind the counter noticeably in desperation to go home, I could only imagine what his life is like back home. Maybe married with two kids, and living in an apartment struggling to maintain working grueling 12-hour shifts.
“Is this the only thing you’re getting,” the cashier asked in his broken English accent.
“Yes sir, I don’t need anything else,” I said.
“That would be $3.89---,” he said.
“Drop everything you have in your hands, and hold your motherfucking hands in the air,” two guys in black ski masks with large caliber shotguns yelled as my mind completely froze. The five years of training in the marines were thrown out of the window.
“Do you think we are fucking playing--- give us everything in that register,” one yelled aiming the gun, as the cashier cried trying to open the register. As the other robber, held his gun against my spine!
“I can’t opun it, it won’t opun,” he cried. “Please do not kill me… I have a family. I have a six month old daughter, and I’d do anything for her,” the cashier said stumbling over the English words he tried to speak.
“Would you die for her,” one of the robbers asked.
“Please dun make me answer---,” he continued to cry as he finally got the register open.
“Answer the FUCKING question--- would you die for her,” the robber asked again.
“Man, just take the money & run, he already got the register open,” the other robber said.
“Shut the FUCK UP BOTH OF YOU--- would you die for her,” he asked the cashier again.
“Yes… yes, I would die for my daughter! I would die for her,” he cried louder.
“Good, I hope your daughter knows she had a brave father,” he yelled as he pulled the trigger blowing every inch of the cashier’s head off. Blood matter sprayed everywhere as I was in total disbelief & my soap opera story soon rotated into the twentieth installment of the “Scream” series.
“Hey boss, what to do with this one right here,” the other robber asked forcibly with the gun against my spine.
“I don’t care, kill him too,” he replied.
“I don’t want to kill him, I think I want to play with him a little bit,” the other robber said.
“Do what you want, I am getting this cash,” the robber said as he hopped over the counter & avoided the cashier’s body. He was heartless & didn’t have any compassion for those who stood before him. In consideration of all the drills I passed in the service, my mind gone completely blank!
“What do you think we should do to you,” the other robber asked as I stood there in silence. At this point, I thought to murder or be murdered!
“I don’t know, man. Do what you got to do,” I replied.
“You hear that, he said do what we got to do,” he yelled to the robber.
“Well, you heard him. Do what you got to do,” he threw the money in a black trash bag.
“You know what, I think I like you. Have you ever been fucked in the ass before,” the other robber asked.
“Look man, do what you have to do,” I yelled to the top of my lungs as I elbowed him in the chin & easily snatched the gun away from him.
“BOOM!”