Night (10 page)

The service ended with Kaddish. Each of us recited Kaddish for his parents, for his children, and for himself.

We remained standing in the Appelplatz for a long time, unable to detach ourselves from this surreal moment. Then came the time to go to sleep, and slowly the inmates returned to their blocks. I thought I heard them wishing each other a Happy New Year!

I ran to look for my father. At the same time I was afraid of having to wish him a happy year in which I no longer believed. He was leaning against the wall, bent shoulders sagging as if un- der a heavy load. I went up to him, took his hand and kissed it. I felt a tear on my hand. Whose was it? Mine? His? I said nothing.

Nor did he. Never before had we understood each other so clearly.

The sound of the bell brought us back to reality. We had to go to bed. We came back from very far away, I looked up at my father's face, trying to glimpse a smile or something like it on his stricken face. But there was nothing. Not the shadow of an ex- pression. Defeat.

YOM KIPPUR. The Day of Atonement. Should we fast? The ques- tion was hotly debated. To fast could mean a more certain, more rapid death. In this place, we were always fasting. It was Yom Kippur year-round. But there were those who said we should fast, precisely because it was dangerous to do so. We needed to show God that even here, locked in hell, we were capable of singing His praises.

I did not fast. First of all, to please my father who had forbid-den me to do so. And then, there was no longer any reason for me to fast. I no longer accepted God's silence. As I swallowed my ra- tion of soup, I turned that act into a symbol of rebellion, of protest against Him.

And I nibbled on my crust of bread.

Deep inside me, I felt a great void opening.

THE SS OFFERED us a beautiful present for the new year.

We had just returned from work. As soon as we passed the camp's entrance, we sensed something out of the ordinary in the air. The roll call was shorter than usual. The evening soup was distributed at great speed, swallowed as quickly. We were anxious. I was no longer in the same block as my father. They had transferred me to another Kommando, the construction one, where twelve hours a day I hauled heavy slabs of stone. The head of my new block was a German Jew, small with piercing eyes. That evening he announced to us that henceforth no one was al- lowed to leave the block after the evening soup. A terrible word began to circulate soon thereafter: selection.

We knew what it meant. An SS would examine us. Whenever he found someone extremely frail—a “Muselman” was what we called those inmates—he would write down his number: good for the crematorium.

After the soup, we gathered between the bunks. The veterans told us: “You're lucky to have been brought here so late. Today, this is paradise compared to what the camp was two years ago. Back then, Buna was a veritable hell. No water, no blankets, less soup and bread. At night, we slept almost naked and the temper- ature was thirty below. We were collecting corpses by the hun- dreds every day. Work was very hard. Today, this is a little paradise. The Kapos back then had orders to kill a certain number of prisoners every day. And every week, selection. A merciless selection…Yes, you are lucky.”

“Enough! Be quiet!” I begged them. “Tell your stories tomorrow, or some other day.”

They burst out laughing. They were not veterans for nothing.

“Are you scared? We too were scared. And, at that time, for good reason.”

The old men stayed in their corner, silent, motionless, hunted-down creatures. Some were praying.

One more hour. Then we would know the verdict: death or reprieve.

And my father? I first thought of him now. How would he pass selection? He had aged so much…

Our Blockälteste had not been outside a concentration camp since 1933. He had already been through all the slaughterhouses, all the factories of death. Around nine o'clock, he came to stand in our midst:

“Achtung!”

There was instant silence.

“Listen carefully to what I am about to tell you.” For the first time, his voice quivered. “In a few moments, selection will take place. You will have to undress completely. Then you will go, one by one, before the SS doctors. I hope you will all pass. But you must try to increase your chances. Before you go into the next room, try to move your limbs, give yourself some color. Don't walk slowly, run! Run as if you had the devil at your heels! Don't look at the SS. Run, straight in front of you!”

He paused and then added:

“And most important, don't be afraid!”

That was a piece of advice we would have loved to be able to follow.

I undressed, leaving my clothes on my cot. Tonight, there was no danger that they would be stolen.

Tibi and Yossi, who had changed Kommandos at the same time I did, came to urge me:

“Let's stay together. It will make us stronger.”

Yossi was mumbling something. He probably was praying. I had never suspected that Yossi was religious. In fact, I had always believed the opposite. Tibi was silent and very pale. All the block inmates stood naked between the rows of bunks. This must be how one stands for the Last Judgment.

“They are coming!”

Three SS officers surrounded the notorious Dr. Mengele, the very same who had received us in Birkenau. The Blockälteste at- tempted a smile. He asked us:

“Ready?”

Yes, we were ready. So were the SS doctors. Dr. Mengele was holding a list: our numbers. He nodded to the Blockalteste: we can begin! As if this were a game.

The first to go were the “notables” of the block, the Stubenalteste, the Kapos, the foremen, all of whom were in perfect physical condition, of course! Then came the ordinary prisoners' turns. Dr. Mengele looked them over from head to toe. From time to time, he noted a number. I had but one thought: not to have my number taken down and not to show my left arm.

In front of me, there were only Tibi and Yossi. They passed. I had time to notice that Mengele had not written down their num- bers. Someone pushed me. It was my turn. I ran without looking back. My head was spinning: you are too skinny…you are too weak…you are too skinny, you are good for the ovens… The race seemed endless; I felt as though I had been running for years…You are too skinny, you are too weak…At last I arrived. Exhausted. When I had caught my breath, I asked Yossi and Tibi:

“Did they write me down?”

“No,” said Yossi. Smiling, he added, “Anyway, they couldn't have. You were running too fast.…

I began to laugh. I was happy. I felt like kissing him. At that moment, the others did not matter! They had not written me down.

Those whose numbers had been noted were standing apart, abandoned by the whole world. Some were silently weeping.

THE SS OFFICERS left. The Blockalteste appeared, his face reflecting our collective weariness.

”It all went well. Don't worry. Nothing will happen to anyone. Not to anyone …"

He was still trying to smile. A poor emaciated Jew questioned him anxiously, his voice trembling:

“But…sir. They did write me down!”

At that, the Blockälteste vented his anger: What! Someone refused to take his word?

“What is it now? Perhaps you think I'm lying? I'm telling you, once and for all: nothing will happen to you! Nothing! You just like to wallow in your despair, you fools!”

The bell rang, signaling that the selection had ended in the entire camp.

With all my strength I began to race toward Block 36; midway, I met my father. He came toward me:

“So? Did you pass?”

“Yes. And you?”

“Also.”

We were able to breathe again. My father had a present for me: a half ration of bread, bartered for something he had found at the depot, a piece of rubber that could be used to repair a shoe.

The bell. It was already time to part, to go to bed. The bell regulated everything. It gave me orders and I executed them blindly. I hated that bell. Whenever I happened to dream of a better world, I imagined a universe without a bell.

A FEW DAYS passed. We were no longer thinking about the selection. We went to work as usual and loaded the heavy stones onto the freight cars. The rations had grown smaller; that was the only change.

We had risen at dawn, as we did every day. We had received our black coffee, our ration of bread. We were about to head to the work yard as always. The Blockälteste came running:

“Let's have a moment of quiet. I have here a list of numbers. I shall read them to you. All those called will not go to work this morning; they will stay in camp.”

Softly, he read some ten numbers. We understood. These were the numbers from the selection. Dr. Mengele had not forgotten.

The Blockälteste turned to go to his room. The ten prisoners surrounded him, clinging to his clothes:

“Save us! You promised…We want to go to the depot, we are strong enough to work. We are good workers. We can…we want…”

He tried to calm them, to reassure them about their fate, to explain to them that staying in the camp did not mean much, had no tragic significance: “After all, I stay here every day…”

The argument was more than flimsy. He realized it and, without another word, locked himself in his room.

The bell had just rung.

“Form ranks!”

Now, it no longer mattered that the work was hard. All that mattered was to be far from the block, far from the crucible of death, from the center of hell.

I saw my father running in my direction. Suddenly, I was afraid.

“What is happening?”

He was out of breath, hardly able to open his mouth.

“Me too, me too…They told me too to stay in the camp.”

They had recorded his number without his noticing.

“What are we going to do?” I said anxiously.

But it was he who tried to reassure me:

“It's not certain yet. There's still a chance. Today, they will do another selection… a decisive one…”

I said nothing.

He felt time was running out. He was speaking rapidly, he wanted to tell me so many things. His speech became confused, his voice was choked. He knew that I had to leave in a few mo- ments. He was going to remain alone, so alone…

“Here, take this knife,” he said. “I won't need it anymore. You may find it useful. Also take this spoon. Don't sell it. Quickly! Go ahead, take what I'm giving you!”

My inheritance…

“Don't talk like that, Father.” I was on the verge of breaking into sobs. “I don't want you to say such things. Keep the spoon and knife. You will need them as much as I. We'll see each other tonight, after work.”

He looked at me with his tired eyes, veiled by despair. He insisted:

“I am asking you…Take it, do as I ask you, my son. Time is running out. Do as your father asks you…”

Our Kapo shouted the order to march.

The Kommando headed toward the camp gate. Left, right! I was biting my lips. My father had remained near the block, lean- ing against the wall. Then he began to run, to try to catch up with us. Perhaps he had forgotten to tell me something…But we were marching too fast…Left, right!

We were at the gate. We were being counted. Around us, the din of military music. Then we were outside.

ALL DAY, I PLODDED AROUND like a sleepwalker. Tibi and Yossi would call out to me, from time to time, trying to reassure me. As did the Kapo who had given me easier tasks that day. I felt sick at heart. How kindly they treated me. Like an orphan. I thought: Even now, my father is helping me.

I myself didn't know whether I wanted the day to go by quickly or not. I was afraid of finding myself alone that evening. How good it would be to die right here!

At last, we began the return journey. How I longed for an order to run! The military march. The gate. The camp. I ran toward Block 36.

Were there still miracles on this earth? He was alive. He had passed the second selection. He had still proved his usefulness… I gave him back his knife and spoon.

AKIBA DRUMER HAS LEFT us, a victim of the selection. Lately, he had been wandering among us, his eyes glazed, telling everyone how weak he was: “I can't go on…It's over…” We tried to raise his spirits, but he wouldn't listen to anything we said. He just kept repeating that it was all over for him, that he could no longer fight, he had no more strength, no more faith. His eyes would suddenly go blank, leaving two gaping wounds, two wells of terror.

He was not alone in having lost his faith during those days of selection. I knew a rabbi, from a small town in Poland. He was old and bent, his lips constantly trembling. He was always praying, in the block, at work, in the ranks. He recited entire pages from the Talmud, arguing with himself, asking and answering himself end- less questions. One day, he said to me:

“It's over. God is no longer with us.”

And as though he regretted having uttered such words so coldly, so dryly, he added in his broken voice, "I know. No one has the right to say things like that. I know that very well. Man is too insignificant, too limited, to even try to comprehend God's mysterious ways. But what can someone like myself do? I'm nei- ther a sage nor a just man. I am not a saint. I'm a simple creature of flesh and bone. I suffer hell in my soul and my flesh. I also have eyes and I see what is being done here. Where is God's mercy? Where's God? How can I believe, how can anyone believe in this God of Mercy?“

Poor Akiba Drumer, if only he could have kept his faith in God, if only he could have considered this suffering a divine test, he would not have been swept away by the selection. But as soon as he felt the first chinks in his faith, he lost all incentive to fight and opened the door to death.

When the selection came, he was doomed from the start, of- fering his neck to the executioner, as it were. All he asked of us was:

”In three days, I'll be gone…Say Kaddish for me.“

We promised: in three days, when we would see the smoke rising from the chimney, we would think of him. We would gather ten men and hold a special service. All his friends would say Kaddish.