No Greater Love (22 page)

“Mama and Papa never came back,” Alexis said quietly.

“That was different. Phillip will. He’ll be home in the spring. Now go to sleep.” She turned off the light and went back downstairs to Ben. George was in the kitchen having something to eat, and as she looked at herself, she realized that she was covered with the dirt from the train tracks, her skirt was torn, her blouse was filthy, and her hair looked even worse than Alexis’s.

“How is she?” Ben asked.

“She’s alright.” As alright as she ever would be. For the rest of her life, she would never really trust anyone … she would never believe that anyone was coming back, and in a part of her she would always be lost without their mother.

“You know what I think, don’t you?” He looked unhappy tonight after all they’d been through, unhappy and almost angry. He had called the police for her while she put Alexis to bed, and he had felt George’s eyes
questioning him as they came back from the station. “I think this has gone far enough. I don’t think you can manage them alone, Edwina. It’s too much. It would be for anyone. At least your parents had each other.”

“We’re fine,” she said quietly. George’s hostility toward Ben that night had not been lost on her either.

“Are you telling me you’re going to carry on like this till they grow up?” His own fears for the child had now exploded into irritation with Edwina, but she was too drained and shaken to argue.

“What do you suggest I do?” she snapped. “Give them up?”

“You can get married.” She had called him to help her that night. That was all. But he looked suddenly hopeful.

“That’s not a reason to marry anyone. I don’t want to marry someone because I can’t manage the children. I can manage them, most of the time. And if I can’t, I’ll hire someone to help me do it. But I want to marry someone because I love him, the way I loved Charles. I don’t want anything less than that. I won’t get married because I ‘can’t manage.’” She was thinking of what her parents had had, and what she’d felt for Charles, and she didn’t feel that for Ben, and she knew that she never would, no matter how angry it made him tonight, or how much she cherished his friendship. “Besides, I don’t think the children are ready for me to marry anyone.” She didn’t know it, but George had just come out of the kitchen and was listening to them. It had been a rough night and their voices were sharp now.

“If that’s what you’re waiting for, Edwina, you’re dead wrong. They’ll never be ready for you to have someone in your life. They want you to themselves, all of them … they’re selfish and all they think of is themselves … Phillip … George … Alexis … the little ones … they don’t want you to have a life.
They want you there every minute of the day as their nursemaid. And when they grow up, when they’re all through with you, you’ll be alone, and I’ll be too old to help you….” He started toward the door, and she said not a word, and then he turned slowly to face her. “You’re giving your life up for them, Edwina, you know that, don’t you?”

She looked at him and nodded slowly. “Yes, Ben, I know that. It’s what I want to do … what I have to do … it’s what they would have wanted.”

“No, it isn’t.” He looked sad for her. “They wanted you to be happy. They wanted you to have what they did.” But I can’t, she wanted to cry … I can’t have it … they took it with them….

“I’m sorry….” She stood very quietly, as George watched her, relieved somehow that she wasn’t marrying Ben. He didn’t want her to. And he instinctively knew that Phillip didn’t either.

“I’m sorry too, Edwina,” he said softly, and closed the door behind him. And as he did, she turned and saw George watching her, and she was suddenly embarrassed. She wasn’t sure if he’d been listening all along, but she suspected that he had been.

“Are you okay, Sis?” He walked slowly toward her, covered with grime, and his eyes were worried.

“Yes.” She smiled at him. “I am.”

“Are you sad you’re not going to marry Ben?” He wanted to know what she felt, and he knew that most of the time she was honest with him.

“No, not really. If I really loved him, I’d have married him the first time he asked me.” George looked more than a little startled and she grinned.

“Do you think you’ll ever get married?” He wore a worried look and she laughed suddenly. She knew now that she never would. If nothing else, she wouldn’t have time to. Between running after children under trains,
getting them through school, and making cookies with Fannie, it was unlikely there would ever be a man in her life again, and she knew that in her heart of hearts, she didn’t want one.

“I doubt it.”

“Why not?” He was curious as they walked upstairs.

“Oh … for a lot of reasons … maybe just because I love all of you too much.” She took a breath and felt a pull somewhere near her heart again. “And maybe because I loved Charles.” And maybe because loving someone that much meant that part of you died … that you gave everything up and went down with them, the way her mother had done, by choice, with her husband. Edwina had given her all to Charles, and to the children, and there was nothing left for anyone else now.

She kept George company while he washed the dirt of the train yard off in her bathroom, and then she put him to bed as she would have little Teddy. She turned off the light, and tucked George in after kissing him good night, and she checked on Fannie and Teddy sound asleep in their own rooms, and she walked past Phillip’s empty room as she went back to her own, where Alexis purred softly beneath the sheets, her little golden head on the pillow. She sat down on her bed then, and looked at her, and for the first time in a long time, she reached high up into her closet. She knew it was still there in the box that had come from England, carefully tied with blue satin ribbons. And she pulled it down and set it carefully on the floor, and opened it, as the crown of tiny pearls and white satin shimmered in the moonlight. And as she held her wedding veil, with its sea of tulle floating around her like faded dreams, she knew she had told George the truth that night … she would never wear a veil like this, there would never be another man in her life again … there would be Phillip and George and
Alexis and the others … but for Edwina there would be nothing more than that It was too dangerous and too dear and too painful … for Edwina, there would be no husband.

She set the bridal veil back in its box carefully, and she didn’t even feel the tears that fell as she tied the ribbons. It was over for her, all that … over on a long-distant night at sea, with die man she had loved, the man who was no more … she had been desperately in love with Charles, and die knew with absolute certainty, there would never be another.

THE TRAIN PULLED INTO THE STATION ON THE FOURTEENTH OF
June, 1914, and Edwina stood behind George, waving as hard as she could, while Phillip hung out of his compartment window grinning at them. It felt like a thousand years since he’d been home, instead of the nine months he had just spent completing his freshman year at Harvard.

He was on the platform before anyone else, his arms around them all, and Edwina felt tears roll down her cheeks, as George let out a wild whoop of glee, and the little ones jumped up and down shouting in the excitement. Alexis just stood there and grinned, staring at him in disbelief, as though she’d been sure he would never come back again, in spite of everything Edwina had said, and her promises that he would be back home again in time for summer.

“Hi there, little love.” He turned quietly toward Alexis, and hugged her to him, as she just closed her
eyes and beamed. He was home again, and all was right with the world for all of them. It was like a dream come true, and George punched him in the chest and pulled his hair at least a dozen times as Phillip grinned at him and put up with it. He was just so happy to be home, he could hardly stand it.

And as he climbed back on the train and passed his things to George through the compartment window, Edwina realized how much bigger and broader he had grown in the year that he’d been gone. He looked sophisticated and poised and very grown up. He was clearly a man now. He was nearly nineteen, and suddenly he looked even older.

“What are you looking at, Sis?” He glanced over George’s head and she smiled and saluted him.

“Looks like you did some growing up while you were away. You look alright.” Their eyes were the same blue, and she knew that they both looked a great deal like their mother.

“You look pretty good too,” he admitted grudgingly, and he didn’t tell her that he had dreamed of coming home, almost every night. But he liked Harvard too. Ben Jones had been right, it was wonderful just being there, but there were times when it seemed like it was on a different planet than California. And it was so far away. Four days by train. It seemed to take an eternity to get here. He had spent Christmas with his roommate’s family in New York that year, and he had been desperately homesick for Edwina and the children, though not quite as lonely as they were for him. And there were times when Edwina wondered if Alexis would survive it.

Phillip noticed that Ben wasn’t there, and raised an eyebrow as they walked to the car parked just outside the station. “Where’s Ben?”

“He’s away. In L.A.” She smiled. “But he said to send his love. He’d probably love to have lunch with you sometime, to talk about Harvard.” And she wanted to hear about it too. His letters had been fascinating, about the people he met, the courses he took, the professors he was studying with. It made her envious at times. She would have loved to go to a place like Harvard. She had never even thought about things like that before Charles and her parents died. All she had wanted to do was get married and have babies then. But now she had so many responsibilities, she had to be so well informed when she went to meetings at the paper, and she felt as though she should be teaching the children something more than just baking cakes and how to plant daisies in the garden.

“Who drove you here?” Phillip was trying to keep George from spilling all the books he had brought home in a large box, while still holding Alexis’s hand and keeping an eye on Fannie and Teddy. It was the usual juggling act, and Edwina laughed as she answered.

“I did.” She looked very proud of herself, and Phillip laughed, thinking she was joking.

“No, seriously.”

“I am serious. Why, don’t you think I can drive?” She was grinning happily at him, standing next to the Packard she had bought for all of them, as a gift to them and herself on her twenty-third birthday.

“Edwina, you don’t mean it?”

“Sure I do. Come on, dump all your stuff in here, and I’ll drive you home, Master Phillip.” They stowed everything in the trunk, and lashed the rest to the top of the handsome dark blue car she had bought, and Phillip was wildly impressed as she drove them home without a problem. The children were all chattering, and George was so excited he could hardly keep his questions
straight. There was so much going on all at once that by the time they got home, Phillip jokingly said he had a headache.

“Well, I see nothing’s changed here.” And then he looked at her carefully. She looked well, and even prettier than he had remembered her. She was a beautiful girl, and it was odd to realize that this beautiful young woman who took such good care of them was not his mother but his sister, and that she had opted for this strange, lonely life, taking care of them, but it seemed to be what she wanted. “You’re alright?” He asked her quietly as they walked into the house behind the others.

“I’m fine, Phillip.” She stopped and looked up at him then. He had grown much taller in the months he’d been gone, and now he towered over her, and she suspected that he was even a trifle taller than their father. “Do you like it there? Really, I mean …” He nodded at her, and he looked as though he meant it.

“It’s a long way from home. But I’m learning wonderful things, and meeting people I like. I just wish it were a little closer.”

“It won’t be long,” she said optimistically, “three more years and you’ll be back here running the paper.”

“I can hardly wait.” He grinned.

“Neither can I. I’m getting awfully tired of those meetings.” And sometimes it was a strain having to do business with Ben. He had been so disappointed the last time she’d turned down his proposal, the night Alexis was almost hit by the train. But they were still friends. They just kept a little more distance than they used to.

“When do we go to Tahoe, Win?” Phillip was looking around the house as though he’d been gone for a dozen years, drinking it all in, touching things. She couldn’t begin to imagine how much he had missed it.

“Not for a few weeks. I thought we’d go in July as we
always do. I wasn’t sure what you wanted to do in August.” And in September, he’d be going back to Cambridge again but he had two and a half months to enjoy with them before that.

They did all the things that he wanted to do for the first week. They had dinner at all his favorite restaurants, and he went to see all his friends, and Edwina noticed that by early July, there was even a certain young lady in his life. She was a very pretty young girl, she was very delicate and fair and she seemed to hang on Phillip’s every word when she came to dinner. She was just eighteen, and she made Edwina feel as though she were a thousand years older. She treated her with the deference with which one would have treated a woman twice her age, and Edwina wondered how old the girl thought she was. But when she mentioned it to Phillip the next day, he just laughed and told her she just wanted to impress her. Her name was Becky Hancock, and conveniently, her parents had a house at Lake Tahoe, near where Edwina and the children stayed.

They saw a lot of her in July, too, and on several occasions she invited Phillip, George, and Edwina over to play tennis. Edwina played a good game of it, and when Phillip and Becky left the courts, she and George enjoyed a few slam dunk games, and she was extremely pleased when she beat him.

“You’re not bad for an old girl,” George teased, and she playfully threw a ball at him.

“See if I let you learn to drive in my car.”