No Ordinary Bloke (10 page)

“We play football together. Have for years.”

“His accent is really thick when he talks to you compared to when I’ve heard him talk to Trey.”

I shrugged. “We’re friends.”

She looked across the room to where Angus stood chatting up an older woman and her friend. “He’s not the tallest or best looking guy, but there’s something about him. And there’s the accent. Half the women I know want to sleep with him.”

“I’d venture he’s slept with half the women you know.”

With both of us staring at Angus, we were in the perfect position to see old Trey walk in with Melanie. They were both all smiles until they saw Allison and me. If that wasn’t a sign Trey was bonking Melanie, I couldn’t tell you what was.

Allison became a little nervous herself. “I see Trey.”

“Indeed. It looks like he’s coming over.”

Within seconds, Trey was slapping me on the back. “How the hell did you get in?”

“Angus and I are friends.” I caught a glimpse of Melanie’s blank smile.

“Angus is a great guy. Do you know each other from back home?”

“Uh. No.”
Glasgow and London aren’t exactly nearby, you twat.

Trey snickered before he turned to Allison. “Allison, it’s your lucky day.”

“It is,” she said, trying to smile.

Poor thing. I realized all three of them were miserable for one reason or another, but I was happy. I decided to end everyone’s misery and start my date with Allison. I looked up at Trey. “Thanks for the idea, Trey. I appreciate it. And thanks for a good meeting today.”

Trey snapped his finger and then pointed to me like he was a fucking used car salesman. “That was a good meeting. Thank you.”

He squeezed Allison’s shoulder. “See you later, Al.”

“Bye Trey,” Allison said, as we both watched him guide Melanie to their table far out of sight.

A waiter then popped in to take our drink orders which helped distract Allison. When the waiter left, I leaned back in my seat and announced, “So I’ve decided to forgive you for abandoning me that night.”

Allison guffawed in laughter. “Oh you have, have you?”

“I have.”

“And what made you come to this decision?”

So far I’d been teasing her, but what I had to say next needed to be said in all earnest. “I fancy you too much to be angry with you.”

“Oh, David…” She placed a hand on her heart. “I like you, too. A lot. But—”

“No need to say anything more.” I smiled and returned to a more teasing tone. “That’s why everything is all right. One day you’ll see the error of your ways on your own. There’s no need for me to hold a grudge about it. We can be friends.”

“Friends? Do you have any female friends?”

“Of course. You met Natalie.”

“You used to date Natalie. Or something with her.” She rolled her eyes. “That’s why you’re friends.”

I leaned across the table a bit and whispered excitedly, “Are you saying that to be friends you have to shag the person? Because if that’s your prerequisite, I’m happy to oblige whenever you need—”

“No.” She laughed. “I meant that about you, not me.”

“Ridiculous. Angus and I are friends, and we’ve never had sex.” I sat a little straighter. “Not that there would be anything wrong with it. We’ve just never hit it off.”

“I meant women.”

“Bollocks. I have female friends who I haven’t shagged.”

She nodded warily and rightly so. I did have female mates who I never had sex with, but I didn’t have a female friend who I wanted to shag, but hadn’t. Allison would be a first. Sitting in that restaurant, I felt how desperately I wanted to be with her. She was smart, but vulnerable, pretty, but sexy, and funny, but elusive. I wanted to shag her non-stop and then follow her around like a puppy dog for as long as she’d let me. If I had to pretend to be friends with her, I’d do just that.

When she didn’t say anything, I had to lighten the mood. “So is the problem that you’ve never had a female friend you haven’t shagged? You must expect I’ll be like you and unable to control myself around.”

She burst out in laughter. “Yeah, that’s exactly what I was thinking.”

“I thought so.”

She grinned and looked down at the tablecloth. After tracing the edge of the table with her finger, she raised her head. “It would be a shame if we weren’t friends. You’re a really great guy.”

“I agree.”

“That it would be a shame or you’re a great guy?”

“Both.” Exhaling in relief, I picked up the menu to center myself. It felt like a victory.

A little over an hour later, I dropped Allison back off at her office building. She promised to ring me when she was in London in a few weeks. That was going to have to do for me now. After I left the Greystone building, I waited another hour to let the lunch crowd leave before I rang Angus to get the rest of his dirt on Trey.

Angus was gleeful when he took my call. “Smooth. Yes, smooth you are, mate. That Allison is a looker and sweetheart. Steal her away from that arsehole Chabot. Please. It will be a win for the common man.”

“It’s going to take some work.” I leaned against the wall of the JFK British Airways lounge. “Tell me more about him. Why do you think he’s screwing around on her?”

“He brings in women he describes as clients, but there’s way too much wine drunk for it to be just about business. The hours are sometimes quite late as well.” He waited a second and added cautiously, “You’re not going to tell her are you?”

“Fuck no.” My voice was even more alarmed than his. “That’s a sure-fire way to cock everything up. She needs to figure it out on her own.”

A low snicker came over the line. “And then David will be there with a shoulder for her to cry on.”

“Indeed.”

“And a stiffy for her to—”

“We can only hope.” I laughed. “One more question. What about the girl he was with today?”

“His assistant Melanie? I know her. I see her all the fucking time.”

“You do? How can you see her more than Allison?”

“Oh, I never see her in the dining room of the restaurant. Today was a first.”

“Where do you see her then?”

“She picks up dinner for him and takes it to his house.”

“Are you certain?”

“All the time.”

“Oh, that’s clever of him. It’s a perfect excuse for her to be at his house.”

“So you think they’re bonking?”

“I do now. Damn. He’s a wily one.” I stared out the window as a giant Airbus lumbered slowly across the tarmac. Trey had set up quite the life for himself. He had an impeccable public girlfriend in Allison, who no doubt was also a dear, privately, but he also had plenty of women on the side, including his own assistant. And what if Allison the HR exec ever found out a vice president in her company was boffing his assistant? She’d have to begin an investigation. In this case, an investigation of her own boyfriend. Trey was setting up a hugely cruel fall for her, if she ever found out.

Angus hadn’t even heard my analysis, but he had his own opinion. “Poor Allison. You can’t tell her though. You simply can’t. It does nobody any good for it to come from you.”

“Unfortunately, that’s exactly right.”

A
week or so after I left New York, it finally dawned on me: I hadn’t gotten laid in well over a month. Granted, my randy lad days were long since past. I was too old and too professional to be banging every skirt I could catch, but I also wasn’t a monk. I usually got a little something here or there at least every couple of weeks

I only realized my lack of sex one day on the tube. I was on the train to work minding my own business and reading the
Financial Times
when I glanced up as I turned the page. My eyes landed on a beautiful little blonde staring me down. She looked like a model or a dancer, heading into an audition. I smiled and was about to turn back to my paper when I saw her mouth slowly,
I want to fuck you
.

When I was a lad, if that same situation occurred, I’d have taken the girl in the first semi-private spot we could find, be it train, station, or doorway. Today was different. Now the girl got only a smile out of me. I still had more than enough sex; I just didn’t have it all the fucking time like I used to. The girl on the tube did make me wonder though.
When
was
the last time?

After computing some dates and realizing how long it had been, I had a rare moment of self-reflection. Deep down I wondered if my lack of sex was a result of being so preoccupied with Allison, but that had to be rubbish. The fact I wanted to fuck her shouldn’t shut down my entire sex drive. That made no sense at all.

I quickly decided there was one answer to my problem, and her name was Candy. Candy and I had known each other for a decade. She owned a coffee shop in the City. Even in the beginning, we never really dated, and over the years, we’d whittled down our shags to a few a year—enough to keep us interested in each other. We both learned early on that while we enjoyed each other’s company in bed, we weren’t too keen on spending time together elsewhere. She was flighty, irresponsibly left-wing, and interested in New Age spirituality which I thought was utter crap. She thought I was a traitor to my working class heritage and “part of the military industrial complex,” whatever the fuck that meant. It was much better when she didn’t talk, and I was free to admire her perfect tits.

When I got off the tube, I sent her a quick text which got me an invitation to her apartment for lunch. Apparently, she’d missed me as well, or at a minimum, missed a part of me. When I arrived at her flat above the coffee shop, she opened the door and beamed. “David, come in my beautiful blond boy.”

“How are you, princess?” I kissed her silky black hair and walked in. Her apartment was small, but nicely done up thanks to the ridiculous prices people will pay for a cup of coffee. I heard the door close behind me, and I turned to see her already starkers. My eyes widened in appreciation. “Well, hello, there.”

“I couldn’t wait.” She shook her head and walked toward me. “It’s been too long.”

“It has,” I said, eagerly taking off my coat. After I threw it across the back of the sofa, I took her into my arms. “What do you say we get cracking and talk later?”

“That was just what I was going to say.”

I kissed her which was perfectly fine at first, but then my mind wandered a bit. That normally never happened when I was with a woman. I focused on her and her alone because everyone had a better time that way. When I realized I began thinking about the smell of coffee coming from downstairs, I quickly moved my hands to her breast to get my mind back on track. “Such perfect tits you have, princess.”

“Uh, David,” she said in an annoyed voice. “What’s going on?”

I pulled my hand away from her breast. “What’s wrong? Don’t you like it?”

“I love you touching my breasts. I don’t understand why your hands are on my breasts and my hand is on your dick, and yet you’re still not hard.”

“I don’t feel you…” My head snapped down to see her hand was indeed on my pecker. I watched her rub it over my trousers, but the sensations were meaningless. I was as limp as a noodle.

“Are you ill?” she asked as she continued to stroke me. “It’s never taken this long before. I mean it’s never taken any time at all.”