No Rules (7 page)

‘But right before dinner, Parker had been in history class,' said Friday, ‘where he had been studying Benjamin Franklin.'

‘What, the American politician?' asked the Headmaster.

‘Yes, Benjamin Franklin was a politician, as well as a postmaster, a diplomat and a scientist,' said Friday. ‘A scientist who performed one of the most famous experiments of all time.'

‘Oh dear,' said the Headmaster. ‘I think I know where this is going.'

‘Benjamin Franklin flew a kite in a rainstorm, using a key as a lightning rod to draw electricity from the clouds into a glass jar,' said Friday.

‘I like kites,' said Parker.

‘How did you figure all this out?' asked the Headmaster.

‘Mr Pilcher is missing some bamboo canes,' said Friday, ‘and a poster is missing from Nigel's wall.
They were the clues. When Parker heard the rumble of an electrical storm he had an idea, or, rather, he remembered Benjamin Franklin's idea. Parker didn't have a kite, so he made one with the canes and the poster and rushed out into the rain. He tied his room key to the string, launched the kite and tested his hypo thesis. And like almost everyone who has attempted this experiment other than Benjamin Franklin, Parker was struck by lightning.'

‘And that's why my finger hurts?' asked Parker.

‘It's the entrance wound,' explained Friday. ‘The electrical surge would have streamed down the wet string to the hand you were holding it with, then passed through your body into the wet ground. That's why your muscles are achy. Your entire body spent three milliseconds in total spasm.'

‘My goodness!' exclaimed the Headmaster. He leant out into the corridor and called to his receptionist. ‘Miss Pritchard, call an ambulance – now!' He turned back, in to the room. ‘Just think of the lawsuits.'

‘It's not so bad,' said Friday. ‘Several people have died trying to copy this experiment.'

‘But what about my assignment?' said Parker. ‘What will Mr Spencer say?'

‘He can't complain,' said Melanie. ‘You did conduct an experiment.'

‘And you certainly had dramatic results,' added Friday.

‘But I'm going to have to write it all up,' said Parker. ‘And my finger hurts.'

‘Just hand in a charred branch from the burnt elm tree on the edge of the forest,' suggested Friday.

‘What's that got to do with anything?' asked Parker.

‘When your kite was struck by lightning, it would have caught fire,' explained Friday. ‘Then when you lost consciousness, it would have blown away until it caught on the tree. It's an excellent example of cause and effect. If you write it up, even Mr Spencer will have to pass you.'

Two days later, Friday and Melanie were sitting through a particularly ridiculous English lesson. Mrs Cannon never followed a conventional syllabus. She preferred going through the job ads and doing the crossword with her class. But things had become even more extreme. VP Pete had decided to take over her lessons for a week, and the situation had quickly degenerated into farce.

All the chairs and desks had been removed. VP Pete stood in the doorway while the class filed in.

‘Where are we supposed to sit?' asked Friday.

‘Anywhere on the floor,' said VP Pete. ‘I want to challenge the assumptions of traditional education. I don't want conforming to standard furniture to affect the way you appreciate literature.'

‘I don't think it was the furniture that was holding us back,' said Melanie. ‘I think it had more to do with the painfully boring novels on the curriculum.'

‘Are the novels boring?' asked VP Pete. ‘Or was the way you were taught about them boring?'

‘It was definitely the novels,' said Rajiv.

‘Yes, well, I'm here to deconstruct the educational norm,' said VP Pete, producing a big bag of toilet paper. ‘I want you all to sit in a circle. I'm going to hand around a roll of toilet paper and I want you each to take some.'

‘You aren't going to make us do something disgusting, are you?' asked Mirabella.

‘No, not unless you want to,' said VP Pete, handing her a roll. ‘In which case, I will not project my values onto your actions to label them in any way.'

The toilet paper made it around the room until everyone had a wad in their hand.

‘Now,' said VP Pete as he sat down in the circle,
‘we are going to play a game. You have to tell the group a secret about yourself for each square of paper you have in your hand.'

The people who had taken large wads of paper groaned.

‘I'll go first,' said VP Pete. ‘My name is VP Pete and my secret is that I have an irresistible urge to eat cake. I just love it.'

Friday snorted.

‘Is there something you want to say, Miss Barnes?' asked VP Pete.

‘It's not much of a secret, is it?' said Friday.

‘Friday,' warned Melanie. ‘Careful.'

‘No, this is a safe environment,' said VP Pete with a smile. ‘Say what you want to say.'

‘For a start, everyone likes cake,' said Friday. ‘It's like saying you like sunsets or rainbows. Then, obviously, you specifically really like cake because …' Friday gestured towards VP Pete and then in a flash of insight realised she should not say what she was about to say so she fell silent.

‘Because what?' asked VP Pete. He was still smiling with his mouth, but his eyes had narrowed.

‘I have nothing further to say on this subject,' said Friday.

‘Really?' said VP Pete, tilting his head to one side. ‘I know you like observing things, so you didn't want to observe that I was fat?'

Friday shook her head and stared at the floor. She wanted to scream ‘Of course you're fat! You must be at least twenty-five kilos over the healthy weight range!' but she knew this would be considered impolite.

‘All right,' said VP Pete. ‘Let's move on. Who wants to go first?'

Now everyone was staring at the floor.

‘Peregrine,' snapped VP Pete. ‘You start us off. Tell us a secret about yourself.'

Peregrine looked terrified. ‘Do I have to, sir?'

‘Don't call me “sir”. This school does not subscribe to those hierarchical titles anymore,' said VP Pete. ‘You must call me VP Pete. You are to call all your teachers by their first names. It's for your own good. Now, tell us a secret about yourself. This is a safe environment, so no one will judge you here.'

‘Yes, si– Pete. Um …' began Peregrine. ‘Once I was at the mini-market in town and I didn't have any money, so I shoplifted a Milky Way bar.'

VP Pete leapt to his feet. ‘You stole! You despicable boy! Go to the Headmaster's office at once! This has to be reported to the police.'

‘But you said this was a safe environment!' protested Friday.

‘Not for criminals!' declared VP Pete, pointing at the doorway. ‘Get out of my sight, boy!'

Peregrine got to his feet and ran, but when he got to the doorway he slammed into another boy trying to come in. They both fell over.

‘What do you want?!' yelled VP Pete at the hapless new arrival.

‘There's a phone call,' said the boy.

‘I can't take it, I'm teaching a class,' snapped VP Pete.

‘Not for you, sir,' said the boy. ‘It's for Friday. An urgent matter.'

‘She can't take it, she's in a class,' yelled VP Pete.

‘If I told you that I'd done lots of shoplifting as well, would you let me go and take the call?' asked Friday.

‘Just get out!' yelled VP Pete. ‘But you have to write me a 10,000 word self-analysis and have it on my desk by first thing tomorrow.'

‘Fine,' said Friday as she left, taking a shell-shocked Peregrine with her.

When Friday picked up the phone in the school office she recognised the heavy breathing on the other end. ‘Uncle Bernie?'

‘Friday, thank goodness! You've got to come at once,' said Uncle Bernie.

‘Are you in the bathroom?' asked Friday.

‘What?' asked Uncle Bernie.

‘Your voice sounds echoey, as if you're talking to me on your phone from inside a bathroom,' said Friday.

‘So?' asked Uncle Bernie.

‘I refuse to talk to you,' said Friday. ‘It's unhygienic.'

‘I just stepped into the bathroom to get some privacy,' said Uncle Bernie. ‘Helena is in a state.'

‘Who's Helena?' asked Friday.

‘Helena Wainscott,' said Uncle Bernie.

‘Ian's mum?' said Friday.

‘Yes,' said Uncle Bernie. ‘She's very upset.'

‘Exactly what is the nature of your relationship with Mrs Wainscott?' asked Friday.

‘That's none of your business,' said Uncle Bernie.

‘I thought as much,' said Friday. ‘The juicy details never are.'

‘We're not talking about her,' said Uncle Bernie.

‘You're the one who brought up her name,' said Friday.

‘Well, yes, we are talking about her,' said Uncle Bernie, ‘but not about her and me.'

‘So there is a “her and you”, you admit it!' said Friday.

‘I'm the one who taught you how to cross-examine people,' said Uncle Bernie. ‘You can't use those tricks on me.'

‘Too late, I already did,' said Friday. ‘So what does your girlfriend need help with now?'

‘Ian is going to be expelled,' said Uncle Bernie.

‘You're behind the times,' said Friday. ‘He was expelled three weeks ago.'

‘No, from his new school,' said Uncle Bernie. ‘And let me tell you, it takes quite something to get expelled from this school.'

‘What did he do?' asked Friday.

‘He was caught stealing exam papers,' said Uncle Bernie.

‘Okay, that doesn't sound right. You need to get out of that bathroom and come and get me right away,' said Friday. ‘As soon as you've washed your hands, that is.'

Two hours later, Uncle Bernie picked up Friday and Melanie from the front of the school. Friday had told the Headmaster that her uncle was having a medical crisis and she needed to go right away because she was his nearest bone marrow match. The Headmaster did not believe her, but he asked Friday not to tell him any more details in case he should be called upon to give evidence in court. He shooed her and Melanie away as quickly as possible.

‘We've got a ninety-minute drive to Ian's school,' said Friday, as she slid into the beaten-up old sedan. ‘Fill us in on all the details.'

‘Yes,' agreed Melanie. ‘Are you and Mrs Wainscott going to get married? If so, will Friday be a bridesmaid? And will that make Ian her cousin?! Ew, gross!'

‘I meant the details of the case against Ian,' said Friday.

‘Oh yes, let's talk about that,' said Melanie. ‘It's less disturbing.'

‘He was caught in the headmaster's office, with the filing cabinet open, taking the exam papers out,' said Uncle Bernie.

‘What were the exams for?' asked Friday.

‘It was a maths exam,' said Uncle Bernie.

‘But Ian is excellent at maths,' said Friday. ‘Considering how little access he has had to university-level academic research, it's impressive that his understanding of mathematics is almost as good as mine.'

‘Maybe he's fallen in with a bad crowd?' said Melanie.

‘As opposed to all the wonderful influences at Highcrest?' said Friday ironically.

‘Actually, the opposite is true,' said Uncle Bernie. ‘He's been tutoring the other students.'

‘How noble,' said Melanie.

‘For money,' added Uncle Bernie.

‘And pragmatic,' said Melanie.

‘The school's saying that's why these kids have
been doing so well, because he's been stealing the weekly pop quizzes,' said Uncle Bernie.

‘He is good at stealing things,' said Friday, lost in thought.

‘Please don't say that when we get there,' said Uncle Bernie. ‘His mum is going to be ever so upset if we land him in even more trouble.'