Noah (18 page)

"You
r
parents are a thousand miles away, your boyfriend cheats on you
every chance he gets, and your best friend can barely hold her job
together. The only reason she's lasted as long as she has is
because she's your best friend and I know she needs this job. And
because I am fucking reliable, I continue to keep her on my payroll
because I know it will make you happy."

He walks across the room until he's standing in front
of me and then reaches his hands out. I hold on and lift myself up
so I'm no longer on the ground. "Thanks," I whisper softly, trying
to lighten the angry atmosphere in the room.

It doesn't work. Noah's not finished yelling at
me.

"Who stuck by your side and played the most
ridiculous games with you when we were kids, just so you would have
someone to play with?"

"I never asked for your pity."

"Who warned you about the douche bags in our small
town who wanted down your virginal pants? Who kept your nightmares
away by staying up until you went to sleep at every sleepover? Who
encouraged you to go to school and follow your dreams of becoming a
nurse? Who made sure you were celebrated and loved, and tried to
make every
g
oddamn
unbirthday special for you?

"Me! It was fucking me!" he shouts. "So
don
’
t tell me I'm
unreliable. You were looking at the way I treated the other people
in my life. I may have been unreliable to my family, my friends,
and the girls I slept with, but never once did you consider looking
at the way I've treated you. You and I have always had a different
relationship, Skye. We have a special connection, a unique bond,
and I have never once been unreliable when it came to you."

As I listen to every word, every example, that comes
out of his mouth I know he's right. I've never once looked at it
strictly from the way he is with me. He is the most reliable person
in my life, and I took it for granted. I threw it all away because
I had something different pictured in my head.

I wanted the white picket fence. I wanted the perfect
family portrait on the mantel. I had one version of what marriage
should be like, which my mom embedded in my head from a young age.
I wanted the successful, respectable
,
rich husband who looked good on paper. I wanted
the appearance of being happy as I stayed home and kept the house
clean and the kids in line. I wanted to cook every meal and satisfy
my husband once the kids went to bed.

That was the picture I had in my head for the longest
time, even if in reality I longed to have a career and be a
nurse.

The back of Noah's
k
nuckles brush against my cheek and I stare up into
his solemn face. "I take it back. There was one time I wasn't one
hundred percent there for you. When you dropped out of college. It
was the dumbest decision you ever made, Skye. Becoming a nurse was
a dream of yours and you threw it all away for a man. I would never
ask you to put your dreams aside for me.

"That was the only time I was ever unreliable because
I knew you were making a mistake. Caleb wasn
’
t worth that sacrifice. No man is worth
sacrificing your dreams
for
, and that's when I took a significant step back
and watched you from afar.

"You were no longer the girl I grew up with. You were
no longer the girl I used to call my best friend and dreamed about
spending my life with. You changed. Being with Caleb made you
change
,
so I'm sorry for
that. I'm sorry if me taking a step back made you feel like I was
unreliable but
,
Skye,
you deserve so much better than what you're getting. He
’
s a bad person. He's not good for
you."

"If he's such a bad person, why are you friends with
him? Why did you introduce me to him?"

"I've regretted introducing him to you every day
since that night."

I turn my head away from his touch and step back.
"It's too late for us, Noah. I...I promised him I'd marry him. He
asked me to marry him."

The hurt expressed in his eyes in unbearable to look
at. "You told him you'll marry him after you spent last night
riding my dick? What the fuck is that, Skye? Do you realize how
fucked up that is? Last night you wanted me. You still want me. I
know you do."

Closing my eyes to hold back the tears that want to
fall
,
I take a deep
breath, preparing myself for what I'm about to say next.

"Last night was a mistake. I should have said no. I
was in a bad place and let feelings I had for you when I was a kid
cloud my judgment."

His eyes widen as a hurt expression covers his face.
"What?" he asks, not believing a word I've said.

"I should have said no last night." I step back and
out of his reach. "I should have never come here last night.
Sleeping with you was
a
huge mistake. I should have resisted you. I should have said
no."

"God knows you had plenty of opportunities to say no,
Skye, but you didn't. You wanted me. You begged me to fuck you. How
many times did I make you come?"

"Shut up."

"I lost count after the third time."

"Shut up!" I shout.

"You could have said no each time, but I guess using
me to get off was more important. I was better than him, wasn't I?
You
r
body's never been
so satisfied."

Why is he being like this? Why is he treating me this
way?

"Thing
s
would have been a lot simpler if you would have just said no. Now
you have to go back across the hall to your fiancé–
"
he spits the word out
,
"and pretend like when he fucks
you it's the best feeling in the world, when you and I both know
you've had better."

Walking around him I make my way over to his front
door. I need to get out of here. Coming over was a really bad
idea.

"You're right. It would have been simpler if I hadn't
come on to you and said no, and I'll regret not stopping what
happened between us for the rest of my life."

"I feel bad for you, Skye."

"Don't feel bad for me. I'll be fine."

"You won't be fine because you're still doing it.
You're still putting your needs behind his. If you're not willing
to bet on yourself, Skye, then no one else will."

"What the hell does that mean? I don't need to bet on
myself. I'm betting on a marriage and that's a bet I plan on
winning."

"You should get going then," he spits out angrily.
"We're done here."

Opening his apartment
door I agree. "Yeah, I guess we are."

Chapter Ten

The next month goes by and it's the hardest month
I've ever had to endure. The pain ripples through my body like the
waves of
the
ocean and
just when I think the water's settled, a new wave of pain hits.

This should be the happiest time of my life. I've
transitioned to a new part of adulthood, and it's a part I've
looked forward to since I was a little girl. I'm getting married. I
should be enjoying prepping and planning all the fun things that go
along with getting married, but all I can think about is Noah.

Noah–who has been MIA and
I
hate admitting
that
I miss seeing him.

The first week or two after that fight in his
apartment, I'll admit I was trying to avoid him. We've never fought
like that before and some of the things he said were hard to hear.
Soon it became clear that I didn't need to try and avoid him
because he was nowhere to be found. He seemed to have disappeared
out of Caleb
’
s life and
mine.

It was sad and I missed him. In a way I've felt
broken because he took half my heart when he disappeared. I stopped
trying to avoid seeing him and actively searched for him, hoping he
would be right around the corner somewhere. The only places I
didn't go were anywhere related to his company. I didn't want to
find him at his place of work, and honestly
,
Forbidden Desires, Inc. came with bad
memories after that night I was attacked.

Searching for him was a giant reminder of why my
personal life is a hot mess, but I ignored the signs that something
was wrong. I've become good at that lately. I told myself searching
for Noah was necessary because I wanted to make sure he was okay. I
was just checking up on him, but deep down I knew it was more than
that. I lost the person who could pacify these waves and still the
water.

When I wasn't trying to locate Noah, I threw myself
in wedding planning. Planning a wedding was not at the top of my
list of fun ways to spend my free time, but it kept me busy and
busy was exactly what I needed or I would do something stupid like
hunt Noah down at his office or Bar Forbidden.

I was the most efficient bride imaginable. It's been
four weeks since our engagement and I have the hall booked and the
caterer set. I've hired a florist, band, wedding planner, and
booked the church. I've even found time to plan an engagement party
that Caleb said was necessary to announce our wedding. I found the
tradition silly since all of these people would be invited to the
wedding. There was no need to celebrate our nuptials twice, but
Caleb felt differently. Engagement parties are a tradition in his
family and it was also a way for him to show off his blushing
soon-to-be bride to his colleagues.

The only thing I hadn't achieved with all this
planning is finding a wedding dress. I just can't find the energy
to go shopping. I've looked at hundreds of dresses online but
nothing looks right. Picking a dress right now doesn't feel
right.

Part of me thinks that if I just talk to
Noah
,
I'll feel better
and be able to move forward with this chapter in my life, but Noah
disappearing on me makes it hard to establish any kind of closure
with him. Last night I broke down and cried for what seemed like an
unreasonable amount of time. It was another day that had passed
without
a
Hershey's Kiss
unbirthday gift from Noah. See when Noah disappeared on me, his
kisses left, too. I've looked forward to those kisses since that
first day when I was fourteen. Now in my mid-twenties I expect to
get one every day, so when they stopped it was like another part of
my heart was being torn out.

He's never stopped giving me kisses before.

It was a reminder of how wrong I really was and how
badly I treated him. Noah is reliable. He's the most reliable
person in my life.

Caleb's been worried about him, too. Noah is his best
friend and it seems when Noah decided to avoid me that meant
avoiding Caleb as well. Thankfully he isn't suspicious at all, but
I know he's hurt that he hasn't been able to celebrate our
engagement with his friend. They haven't even talked since that
night I spent at Noah's and
that
changed the dynamic between all of us.

"Let's go out tonight," Caleb says as he walks into
our bedroom and finds me sprawled across the bed, staring up at the
white ceiling above me.

My eyes flicker over to him and he's already dressed
to go out in a pair of crisply ironed jeans and a thin
Nike
golf sweater. His blond curly hair is manageably styled and he
looks excited to leave the apartment.

"Our engagement party is tomorrow, Caleb. It'll be a
long
,
exhausting day and
night so I'd like to get some rest tonight and prepare."

Walking over to the bed
,
he falls down beside me and playfully tickles my
sides. "I know but we haven
’
t been out in a while and I really want to make
sure Noah is okay. I'm worried."

"What does Noah have to do with us going out?"

"I thought we could go up to his bar and hang with
him."

I lean up onto my forearm so my face is closer to
Caleb's. "You can go but I think I'm just going to stay here. Have
fun! I hope everything's okay with Noah."

Caleb gets up from the bed and surprises me by
grabbing my arms and pulling me up with him. "You're coming with
me. You've barely left the house this past month unless it was for
work. You've been so busy planning this wedding that you haven't
had any fun. You deserve a break and you're going to come with me
tonight and relax all the tension away."

Tonight will be anything but relaxing if I go into
Bar Forbidden.

"This should be a fun time in our lives, babe–not a
stressful time. I'm not taking no for an answer. You're coming out
and you're going to have fun."

I want to decline but if I stay in tonight there's a
chance he might get suspicious as to why I don't want to go out.
Even Kendall says I'm depressing to be around lately so maybe Caleb
is right. Maybe I do need a night out. I just wish it were
somewhere other than Noah's bar. As much as I want to see him and
talk to him, I don
’
t
want to see him when I'm with Caleb. It will be too
uncomfortable.

"Can Kendall
come
,
too?" I
think it's her night off from the office and having her with me as
a buffer seems like a good idea, even if she still has no idea what
happened between Noah and me.

"Sure, we can have the cab pick her up on the
way."

After texting Kendall that we're going out, I
reluctantly go and get ready. I find something to wear that will
make me feel confident going into Noah's bar because right now I
feel anything but.

***

The music is thumping as one of the city's most in
demand DJs spins tonight. Noah has connections all over the city so
it's no wonder that his bar gets the top talent and is a hot spot
that everyone wants to get into.

We're sitting at a four top in the front of the bar.
I know eventually Caleb or Noah will suggest we got back into Club
Desire because the atmosphere is more relaxed with the dancing and
strippers. Right now they're perfectly content being up here
because Noah's over
at
our table and the two of them are chatting and catching up, while I
sit awkwardly on one of the bar stools. Kendall tries to draw me
into a conversation but after a few failed attempts she gives up
and joins the boys in whatever they seem to be talking about. I
wouldn't know. Everything is a garble of sounds right now because I
can only focus on one person in the room.