Nobody Can Say It’s You: A Hadley Pell Cozy Mystery (11 page)

D
ougal Orner was seething
.

He’d broken a banjo string. He set the instrument aside.

He wanted to push his fist right through a wall.

And the more the thought about Chandra and Berth, the madder he got.

He gritted his teeth, kicked the dog that lay in his path, and cursed under his breath. That Chandra was nothing but a slut. A worthless whore. Why he’d wasted so much time and money on her was a mystery.

She was an ingrate, Dougal mused. His mother had warned him not to fall for the charms of a loose girl. Chandra was nothing but Blue Ridge white trash. She’d never amount to nothin’ and give him about two dozen squallin’ brats, Estill told her son.

Yet, Dougal could not help but be attracted to the beautiful vixen. She was charming. She was funny. She was good company. And she had no qualms about doing it anywhere. Few inhibitions made Chandra the best girlfriend a fellow could have.

In the back of his pickup, in the seat of his pickup, in the barn, in a meadow, in broad daylight, or under the silvery moon, Chandra was always ready. He knew her reputation, but he had faith in himself.

Dougal Orner knew a lot about a lot of things. After all, he’d been reading his mother’s sacred book since he was little. Dougal set his sights on Chandra, and through a little magic of his own, he’d won her.

That is until Berth Carlisle came into the picture. Six-foot-three, solid muscle, and a brand new heavy duty midnight blue 4x4 with chrome wheels and dual exhausts. Berth Carlisle was any girl’s dream.

He was back in circulation, too, since Cristin DeSpain dumped him two weeks ago for Fox Fairchild. Chandra had jumped on Berth like stink on a skunk. After the first couple of dates, Berth belonged to Chandra. If Cristin was white rice, Chandra was jambalaya. Hot, spicy, and a titillation for the tastebuds.

And Berth had moved in on Dougal’s turf.

Just like that.

They were probably laughing at him right this minute, Dougal decided.

Nothing to do but go into the woods and make a little black magic. Dougal grabbed the sacred book and stomped off into the forest.

* * *

M
argaret-Dean Angeline
was Berth Carlisle’s mother. She was 39 years old. Life had been good to Margaret-Dean, but the fact that she was facing 40 was no laughing matter. She wondered if Floyd would still find her attractive when the wrinkles around her eyes were no longer faint little laugh lines but deeply gouged ravines that made her skin look like crinkled parchment. He’d made enough money. Floyd could have his pick of the litter, anytime, and leave Margaret-Dean high and dry.

She fussed with the table arrangements. This pig-picking was not something Margaret-Dean wanted any part of, but Floyd had insisted that it would be a good thing for his father. Berth seemed sold on the idea, too, so there was nothing for Margaret-Dean to do but plaster a smile on her face and make the two Carlisle men in her life happy.

“Oh poot ’n’ bother,” Margaret-Dean muttered under her breath.

Here came Frieda Kline. For some reason, just the sight of that woman set Margaret-Dean’s teeth on edge. Somebody had told Margaret-Dean that Frieda was thinking about selling her little home and retiring to Florida.

Let the gators chew on her grisly old carcass, thought Margaret-Dean. Good-bye and good riddance.

But she hadn’t gone to Florida. At least not yet.

Frieda wore a flowery dress cinched at the waist. It made her hips look a mile wide. The hem was too short, and the dress fell just above her knees. Her dimply knees. Margaret-Dean wondered if Frieda thought all that dimpled blubber looked cute. Her woven sandals were two sizes too small, and her fat, red toenails hung over the front ends of them like red hot sausages on display at a meat counter.

Margaret-Dean felt the heat rise under her shirt collar. She knew her neck was as red as a geranium, but there was nothing she could do about it. When her blood pressure skyrocketed like this, the red neck was going to be there. She couldn’t control it. Couldn’t help it.

But to Frieda, that red neck was like a red cape to a raging bull. Frieda pounced on Margaret-Dean.

“Maw-grit,” Frieda said, “your table looks a little skimpy, honey. I hope you ’n’ Floyd don’t send us home hungry after we come all this way.”

Margaret-Dean looked across the spread. The table groaned under the weight of all the dishes. There was enough food to feed an army.

“Frieda,” Margaret-Dean said, “why don’t you go see if Minnie needs some help with the dishes.”

“Aw, shaw,” said Frieda, “Minnie’s a big girl. Let her slop at the water trough ’n’ make a big mess. I don’t wanna get my dress wet. I’m gonna go see Rex, the birthday boy. Rexie! I declare, Maw-grit, if Floyd don’t look more like Rex the older her gets! Like father, like son! Rexie! Rexie!”

“Oh poot ’n’ bother,” Margaret-Dean muttered under her breath. “Too good to get dishpan hands! Shoot! Too good to do any real work.”

Frieda wandered off toward Rex. Floyd’s daddy was smiling like a Cheshire cat. He loved to be the center of attention, and since Frieda’s husband had died three years ago, Rex seemed to be right in the center of Frieda’s cross hairs.

Too bad her house hadn’t sold, Margaret-Dean brooded. Now she had a whole afternoon of Frieda the Piranha to look forward to.

She looked over at Frieda and Rex. Rex was practically drooling. It was disgusting. The man was almost 80 years old.

“Hey, good lookin’,” Frieda said. “Wanna go make out in the back seat of the old Buick. Floyd won’t mind. I’m sure him and Frieda have been busy back there plenty of times in the last coupla’ years.”

“I’d rather have my toenails burned off with acid than lay down within 20 miles of where Rex and his floozy have been rollin’ in the hay. I’ll skedaddle back home in a jiff and tousle the sheets with you, honey. But in that Buick? Not even if you sprayed down that back seat with a ton of disinfectant.”

“You’re too hard on Frieda, Margaret-Dean,” Floyd said. “Look at him. I ain’t seen Daddy this happy since Mama passed.”

“Floyd,” Margaret-Dean said, “your father was never
that
happy when your mama was alive!”

“What say we leave the old folks be ’n’ start servin’ that pig,” said Floyd. “Looks like most everybody’s here.”

D
ougal was acting
like a spoiled brat, Estill thought.

“I got only myself to blame,” she muttered.

She had bent over backwards to get Button to will her his land. Did Dougal not appreciate what that cost her?

Of course not. Dougal Orner’s world contained only one special love.

Dougal Orner.

Estill thought of all the power she’d summoned. It had cost her a lot. But for the love of her only son, Estill Orner would move mountains, if she had to, to ensure that her son’s future was going to be a bright as possible.

She’d even slept with the old goat!

And what thanks did she get?

From that beloved only brat she’d raised – none.

Absolutely none. Not even a peck on the forehead when she told him that Button’s land would be his, someday.

Maybe she should just go off and find some other kid, a stranger, and will the whole kit and caboodle to him or her. That would show Dougal. Little stinker booger. That would really show him.

But Estill knew these day dreams were only that. She’d never abandon her boy, no matter what he did. That was what a mother’s love did to a woman, she brooded.

All her son thought about these days was that harlot, Chandra Elanor. Maybe she should brew up something really bad for that girl. Dougal could have his pick of girls. Chandra Elanor was just a rotten apple. Dougal was better off without her. Still, if Dougal was that unhappy, Estill thought, I could cause a bit of mayhem to rain down upon her pretty little head.

Nah, Estill thought. Dougal would know his mother had done that. The way he acted over that no good hussy, he’d be sure to blame her for Chandra’s misfortunes, and then there’d be heck to pay.

Estill busied herself with housework. There was certainly enough of it since Dougal’s little servant girl had found herself another beau.

“
L
ou Edna
,” Hadley said, “what in blue blazes are you knocking on my door for at this early hour? It’s not even six o’clock. Even Onus hasn’t opened his eyes yet? You haven’t seen Button again, have you?”

“No,” said Lou Edna. “But I might as well have.”

“Calm down,” Hadley said. “I’ll make you a strong cup of decaf. Tell me what’s the matter.”

“Have you had anything bad happen?” Lou Edna asked. “Lately, I mean.”

“No,” Hadley said. “Well, nothing unusual. I mean Onus is always causing trouble, but that’s his nature. He lives to torment my soul. And he’s got more imagination than a dozen two-year-olds when it comes to stirring up trouble.”

“Oh, I don’t mean that cat,” Lou Edna said. “I know he’s a handful. I mean real trouble, Hadley.”

“No,” said Hadley. “Why?”

“I want to go see Dilcie,” Lou Edna said. “I was there that night the Elanor twin gave you that mojo bag. I need one myself.”

“Why?” Hadley asked.

“You just don’t know what I’ve been through since that night at Sadie’s. Goodness gracious, I wish I’da told Ora Lavelle I had a bad case a gas that night. The squirts. Anything. I shoulda just kept my cute little patootie at home where it belonged. Them girls’ nights out ain’t what they’re cracked up to be, you know what I mean?

“First, they usually want you to go on a week night.

“Do you know how much time I spend on my feet? Too much to be hittin’ the dance floor in my cowboy boots ’n’ skinny jeans! Then, you gotta go wherever the other gals want to go.

“Shoot. I knew I should have stayed at home when Ora Lavelle said that Cotton ’n’ Dot ’n’ Gatha were busy ’n’ couldn’t go. It was an omen hittin’ me square in the eyes. DON’T GO in all capital letters. But I hated to let Ora Lavelle down. I’d already taken a rain check three times before. I had other plans with a gentleman friend, don’t you know.

“Ora Lavelle was whinin’ a lot that I didn’t love her no more. I guess I had the guilts. I don’t know. But I said I’d go that night, even though it was only gonna be me ’n’ her. And she picked Sadie’s, of all places.

“That joint is like across the county out of my way, you know what I’m sayin’, Hadley. But I sucked it in ’n’ said ‘fine.’

“We hadn’t been there no time when Buster called ’n’ Ora Lavelle lit out fer home like her tail was scalded.

“There I sat like a knot on a log sippin’ a warm beer, which I detest in the first place. I don’t know why I didn’t just light out for the parkin’ lot with Ora Lavelle.

“Safety in numbers, you know, but that dang Cal Orvelle was sangin’ soooo purty. And it was one of my favorite songs.

“I’m still shook up over sightin’ Button er whoever it was. Then, to find out later I’d been cursed! I’m just fit to be tied.

“I’ve had three flat tires in a month! Three. That’s a brand-new set of tires. They ain’t been on my car six months!

“All my indoor plants died! All of them. I’ve had that Christmas cactus for years. Every single plant at the shop is fine. Just the ones at the house. Deadern a door nail.

“Them two stray cats I been feedin’ fer a while done up ’n’ left.

“My furnace went bad.

“That last big rain we had, my basement flooded. I ain’t never had it to flood since I been livin’ in that house.

“The Kelvinator is knockin’. It’s fixin’ to go out next.

“Four old ladies that’s been good customers forever, up ’n’ quit on me.

“Well, one of them died, so I cain’t blame her, but them other three said they was goin’ to let their hair go nat’ral. Let it grow ’n’ knot it up on a bun on top their heads.

“Have you ever, Hadley!

“Now, I’m worried sick I might come down with the mange or somethin’ just as bad. Who wants a hairdresser with hot spots all over her head?”

“Now, Lou Edna,” Hadley said, stifling a laugh, “you have had a run of bad luck. But I really think that’s all it is. Don’t get your girdle in a flutter. We all go through spells like that. I once had four appliances go out within three months. Harry said it was because they were the same age. You know when you build a house or renovate, you do purchase them at the same time.”

Lou Edna looked unconvinced.

“I saw him, you know,” Lou Edna said. “I was standing at the other end of Main Street. The whole area was just one mob of people. Burke Garris had the prettiest quilt display, Hadley. Her prices weren’t bad, neither.”

“What happened, Lou,” Hadley asked, “before all heck broke loose?”

“Well,” Lou Edna said, “like I said the place was packed. There were a bunch of kids in their little clique, you know how kids are. I was looking at one of Burke’s quilts. I was trying to decide between her Devil’s Claw pattern and her Diamond Beauty. Burke does the best needlework, don’t you think?”

“Uh-huh,” said Hadley.

“The Devil’s Claw would go better with the color scheme in my bedroom, but the Diamond Beauty had so many gorgeous colors that I was just at my wit’s end trying to decide,” Lou Edna said. “I was leaning towards the Diamond Beauty because I been startin’ to wonder if my bedroom’s needin’ a remodelin’. You know, new mattress. Well, if I get a new mattress, I might as well get a new spread and paint the walls a totally different color. That maroon carpet and brown wall color scheme I let Marvis Winchell talk me into down at the hardware store was okay for awhile, but you know how I love pink. I was thinkin’ a little Pepto might liven up my love life. I don’t know. I only picked that brown swatch when Marvin said it was a virile color.

“It looked okay as a one inch by one inch swatch, but when I got through painting the walls, they looked something like wet cow manure. I swear that brown has a green tint to it.”

“Who did you see down there on that end of the street, Lou Edna,” Hadley said, mustering all the patience that Job must have had to use with his friends.

“Oh,” said Lou Edna, “I saw Skippy. He’s grown into such a good looker, Hadley. Maury better watch out. He’ll be bringin’ her a new daughter-in-law and a whole slew of grandkids! One of them Elandor twins was there. You know, Chandra is my guess ’cause she, well, you know. Chandra was makin’ goo-goo eyes at Skippy. Girl, if I was several decades younger, I would be, too.

“That horrible Orner boy was there, too. Oh, and I saw Estill not too far away from Dougal. Landsakes, that mutt is a handful. But it’s Estill’s own fault, I say. Spare the rod and all that. Estill’s reapin’ what she sewed. I heard tell that boy ain’t never been told ‘no.’”

“I’ve heard that,” said Hadley.

“What was Estill thinkin’? Lettin’ a youngin’ run wild as a buck all his life. He ain’t gonna be worth the price of the bullet to put him out of his misery.”

“Uh-huh,” said Hadley. “And what happened after you saw those kids?”

“I remember I had just made up my mind to buy the Diamond Beauty, but I wanted to see if I could haggle down the price a little. Burke’s been known to drop $10 off, if you look pitiful enough.

“I heard a ruckus in the woods. I can’t tell you what it sounded like. I ain’t never heard nuthin’ like it in all my borned days. A cross between a whoop and a scream, maybe. I don’t know.

“Then what happened,” said Hadley.”

“I turned to see where it was comin’ from. Estill grabbed Dougal’s arm and led him away. She looked me square in the eyes. She had the fear of God in them.

“Mine did, too. I remember thinkin’ what in tarnation is happenin’ or maybe the Lord was a’fixin’ to split the Eastern sky.You ain’t never heard such a cussin’ ’n’ that demon from Hades come runnin’ out of the woods.”

“And it was Button,” said Hadley. “We didn’t know that then, but we know it now. What bothers me is how did Button get down the mountain to the festival. His truck was still at his house. Bill told Maury his truck was at his cabin.”

“I’ve seen that old heap! Huh! It looks like something out of the ’40s. And Button’s been tooling all over these hills in that thing. The way it looks, I wouldn’t trust it to drive it out of my driveway.”

“He could have hitched a ride,” said Hadley.

“Dressed like Death!” said Lou Edna.

“Well, it was a Halloween festival,” said Hadley.

“Maybe,” Lou Edna said. “Maybe, he shape-shifted.”

“Oh, please,” said Hadley.

“I ain’t got time to waste on trying to figure out all that. I want you to go with me to Dilcie’s, Hadley,” Lou Edna said.

“Now?” Hadley asked.

“Yes,” Lou Edna said. “Right now.”

“But I’m in my pajamas and Harry’s old robe.”

“I don’t care. Since when have you given a hoot about how you looked?”

“You’re right, Lou. I may not care what I wear, but I like my clothes to be clean. A bath is nice first thing in the morning, too.”

“Do all that stuff later,” Lou Edna said. “Get in the car. We have to go right away. I mean it! Somethin’ terrible’s gonna happen if we don’t.”

“But why me?” Hadley asked.

“You are one of Dilcie’s favorites,” Lou Edna said. “She didn’t give me a conjure bag that night at cemetery. She didn’t have anything special for Beanie, either. Just you. I want you to go and persuade Granny Dilcie to make a real special mojo bag for me. I need it, Hadley. I need it bad. If you are half the friend I think you are, you’ll grab your purse and go with me now. My first appointment is at 9:30. We’ve got time, if you go with me right now.”

“Lou Edna, we ought to have our heads examined,” Hadley muttered as she grabbed her purse. “You for all your superstitions and me for letting you talk me into this. With my luck, I’m bound to run into the Queen of England looking like something the cat drug up.”

Hadley got her keys.

“I’m driving,” she told Lou Edna. “Dressed like this, anybody seeing me in the passenger’s seat might think you were taking me to the hospital. At least behind the wheel I only look half crazy. Not totally looney.”

“Suits me,” said Lou Edna. “The last thing I need is a fourth flat tire way up in the sticks. I don’t think Dilcie’s got cell service out there. Brinkley would never find us with his tow truck. I ain’t too good at smoke signals.”

“Smoke signals?” Hadley said.

“How else am I gonna send Brinkley a S.O.S. if we broke down in my car?”

“Lou Edna,” Hadley said, “try to be a little more optimistic, will ya? I mean look at me.”

You lassoed me into this gallivant, Lou Edna. I look like who flung dung. I’m here. We’re getting to Granny’s just as fast as I can. Now, be happy.

Lord, please don’t let me break down in the middle of nowhere and have to walk home looking like a skid row bum whose popped out on the wrong side of the bed
, Hadley prayed. This was one instance when fancy pajamas and a nice fine robe might be nice. Oh well. Old flannels and Harry’s worn out robe was the best she could do, today.

Dilcie wouldn’t mind, Hadley thought. She wasn’t a frill and lace kind of woman anyway.

Hadley and Lou Edna made good time. Hadley was on the lookout for animals that might be in the mountain roads so early in the morning. She was mainly worried about deer. She didn’t see any. That did not mean they were not nearby. Only that she didn’t see them.

“When we get there, Lou,” Hadley said, “be sure to knock on the door three times. Exactly three times. Then, go in and tell Granny what you want.”

“Oh,” Lou Edna said, “I’m not goin’ in. I have no intention of goin’ in.

“Now, let me get this straight,” Hadley said, “we’re gonna drive all the way out to Granny’s and do what? Sit in the car and wait till the cows come home?”

“No, silly,” Lou Edna said. “You’re gonna go in ’n’ ask Granny to make you sumpin’ special for me.”

“I’m going in looking like this,” Hadley said.

“Sure, Hadley,” Lou Edna said. “One look at you ’n’ Granny Dilcie’s bound to give you anything you ask. I mean you are a sorry sight. Plum pitiful.”

“Thanks a ton, Lou,” Hadley said.

“Okay,” Hadley said. “We’re here.”

The old cabin was surrounded in the misty blue fog that often veils these mountains.

“This air feels like a buncha hawgs runnin’ ’round with sticks in their mouths,” Lou Edna said. “Don’t dawdle, Hadley. You’re libelst to catch your death of cold dressed like you are.”

Hadley gave her friend “a look” but kept quiet. She got out of the car. This winter was indeed a cold one. She pulled the collar of Harry’s robe tighter around her neck. She heard it rip. Another hole in her wear-and-tear robe. It was rotten, and she knew she’d have to discard it soon, but not today, she told herself. Not today.

She walked quickly up to the porch. Lou Edna didn’t have to worry about any dawdling from Hadley. You dawdled much this morning, you’d freeze your fanny off. She knocked three times.

The old granny witch answered the door. If Dilcie was surprised at Hadley’s attire, she never let on.

“Come in. Come in, chile,” Dilcie said. “We been expectin’ you.”

Hadley said nothing. She and Dilcie had been friends for many years. Hadley had driven her own mother up here many times before she died to get some of Granny’s remedies. Her mother always loved to come see Dilcie. They’d sit on the old lady’s porch and talk about old times for hours.

Dilcie might even be kin to Hadley. The ties between families in this backwoods were tangled and tight.

“I had a feelin’ I’d be layin’ eyes on you soon,” Dilcie said. “I knowed this ain’t fer ya, but I made it extra spe’shul ’cause it’s fer one you hold dear.”

“Thank you, Granny. I didn’t have time to bring you anything from the larder, but I promise I’ll come soon and see you.”

“You don’t owe me nuthin’, chile.”

“I know, but I want to give you some canned goods from my pantry. If I don’t clear some space, they’ll be no room to add more jars next season. All I ask is that you save me the jars.”

“We will do that, Hadley.”

“Give me a hug, Granny. And thanks for not screaming when you opened the door. I know I look a sight.”

“A sight for sore eyes, chile. It ain’t the robes he wears that makes the man, but what’s in his heart that proves his worth.”

“I’ll see you soon, I promise. And who knows, I might even bring Beanie up with me when I come.”