Norman Invasions (36 page)

Vat technology, as one may learn from the standard accounts, began in a modest, unassuming way, in the 20th century, as I recall, in what was then known as Russia with a variety of experiments involving decapitated dogs. It is not known whence these dogs were obtained, but there is some speculation that they were the otherwise-useless residues of various experiments designed and conducted by a brilliant psychologist and animal lover, a Dr. Ivan Petrovich Pavlov. His experiments involved, amongst various things, research into conditioned reflexes. For example, he accustomed various, trusting dogs, who did not see through his machinations, to slaver at the mere sound of a bell, the bell having been previously associated with the delivery of food. At the sound of the bell, so to speak, they were ready to eat. In less controlled circumstances these results, interestingly, had already been established, though obviously informally, on numerous ranches in the Western portions of the North American continent. Pavlov, as you may know, then proceeded, perhaps after a mental breakdown or having been deserted by an exasperated or alarmed spouse, to mix electric shocks with the ringing of the bell. Predictably this troubled his experimental subjects, which then, it seems, went insane. Pavlov, it seems, was the first scientist to establish these results under rigorous conditions of experimentation. On the other hand, the principles involved, those of mixed signals, and such, inducing confusion, guilt, misery, neurosis, and insanity were already well established in several societies, cultures, and civilizations. For example, confused, guilt-ridden individuals, subjected to insidious crossconditionings, then look for relief and guidance, usually, interestingly, to their own Pavlovs, so to speak, who have devised their tortures, from which they, the Pavlovs, so to speak, profit, and by means of which they earn their livelihood. To use an analogy, it is rather like pounding a fellow on the head and then selling him aspirin. Or a better analogy might be, to castigate a fellow for breathing, or getting hungry, or urinating, and then, for a fee, compassionately forgive him for his lapses in this regard. But then, of course, encourage him to do this no more, and, indeed, forbid him to do so, and scold him if he does, and so on. Perhaps, most accurately, one insists on imposing unachievable goals on one's targets, or dupes, or hosts, the failure to achieve which, of course, induces grief, guilt, a sense of failure, of unworthiness, and such, which symptoms are painful, and which accordingly put the erring, defective, inferior, guilt-ridden failures more and more at the mercy of the their cunning goal-setters. To resort to a simpler analogy previously noted, one supplies aspirin, but this is followed by another blow on the victim's head, the ache of which is to be relieved by further doses of aspirin, and so on. In this way much aspirin is sold.

Callously one finds little comfort in the fact that many of the aspirin salesmen, apparent victims of their own therapeutical regimens, not unoften spend a certain amount of time striking themselves on the head with their own hammers.

At least that seems fair.

One is reminded of the fellow who struck his head frequently against brick walls because it felt so good when he stopped.

But perhaps such peculiar practices, sociological aberrations, and such, are essential to maintain in existence peculiar, sociologically aberrant societies, odd cultures, weird civilizations, and such.

It is hard to say.

One does not know.

Could it be that the very cornerstone of society, its prop and guarantee, is insanity? Could it be that at the foundation of society must lie madness? Doubtless at the foundation of some societies.

It does seem a high price to pay, surely.

But to return to the Russian experiments to which we have hitherto alluded. The dogs' heads, missing their bodies, were allegedly kept alive for some time, at least long enough to permit photography, for example, of twisting and grimacing, and otherwise objecting insofar as lay in their power, when, for example, bitter fluids were dropped on their tongues. It is not known if similar experiments, with the advance of science in mind, were conducted with political prisoners. In any event, no pertinent photography is available, at least currently, germane to that possibility.

The next major breakthroughs relevant to these lines of research occurred in various Western laboratories and involved the brains of monkeys. The entire heads of monkeys were not used, possibly because the Western experimenters were more squeamish than their Eastern forebears. Who would not cringe before the reproachful glance of a decapitated Rhesus monkey? So mere brains were used, submerged, nourished, monitored, and so on. Brain activity was evident, but it was not clear, naturally, what the little primates were thinking about, or dreaming about. And perhaps that is just as well. Possibly leafy bowers, paradisiacal troves of bananas, possibly psychologists who had somehow missed their footing in tall trees. It is hard to say.

But from such simple beginnings eventually emerged our modern, advanced, sophisticated versions of vat technology.

Who could have envisioned at the time of envious troglodytes leaping off cliffs and flapping their arms the eventual triumphs of starship engineering?

Organ-transplant technology put in its oar, as well, in the beginning.

As is well known, as far back as the 20th century, the healthy organs of various individuals, perhaps accident victims, or such, were harvested, stored, and later transplanted into the bodies of grateful recipients. In this way many lives were saved. To be sure, a certain amount of what came to be known as Burking also took place. The etiology of the term seems founded on the name of a William Burke, once of Edinburgh, who used to supply unmarked, intact bodies to medical schools for dissection. These were quality bodies, not the deteriorated corpses dug up and supplied by your everyday grave robber. Burke was hung in 1829, by a court insensitive to the principles of utilitarianism.

It was only natural that the brain, often considered the organ of thought, should soon figure prominently in transplantation technology. A bullet through the heart, for example, leaves the brain in an excellent, if troubled, condition for several seconds, a period sufficient for a competent team of paramedics to reestablish a blood supply. Instantaneous cryogenic preservation was later commonly used, this permitting the brain to be reanimated at the convenience and discretion of the appropriate authorities. As expected, many individuals, dissatisfied with their own brains, applied for new and hopefully better brains. Many were the husbands, too, who at their wives' urging submitted to such a procedure.

I think the converging in the offing can now be clearly discerned, that betwixt transplantation and vat technology.

As the demand for new brains burgeoned it was no more than an economic commonplace that a concomitant preservation and storage technology, eventually at affordable prices, would arise to meet the demand.

These brain shifts, exchanges, replacements, returns, trials, and so on, did promote a number of identity crises, a seeking for criteria of sameness, and such, and, indeed, so much so that for the first time in human history philosophers, who had hitherto idly occupied themselves with such issues, came to occupy not only a respected but a lucrative place in society.

The next obvious step was to establish contact with the stored brains, and press them for their views on these matters. For example, would the brain of A object to being implanted in the body of B, and so on. Dialogue was essential. Thus arose a new field in law, that of brain rights.

In the beginning this communication was primitive, often amounting to little more than a Yes, a No, a Hell No, and so on. But soon dialogue with the disembodied brains became more sophisticated, and brains that began by playing poker and checkers moved ahead to bridge, to chess, and pinochle.

One supposes it was only inevitable that the brain-rights movement would lead to a concern with the experiences of the disembodied brains. Were they content? Were they happy? What did they do for recreation? How about entertainment? What would they like to do? What sort of music would they like to think they were hearing? What would they like to think they were eating? Would they like to think they were watching sunsets? That could be arranged. Would they like to think they were reading a good book? OK. How about TV? Why not? Even folks in dental offices and, sometimes, post offices were granted as much. It seemed cruel to think of them floating idly about, hour after hour, in their nutrient solutions without much to do.

Since it was well known, and had been known for a long time, that experience was a function of brain stimulation, it was soon realized that the precise source of the stimulation would be immaterial to the experience,
qua
experience, it being immaterial whether it was contingent on an outside environment or merely the result of technological contrivance, perhaps computer generated and controlled. Identical stimulations, however brought about, produced identical experiences.

Naturally it took time to work these things out. Many brains were at first disconcerted by glitches in the stimulation, as, for example, when doughnuts turned into freight cars, ocean liners docked at Omaha, and armadillos, not merely pigs, were noted flying. On the other hand, after a time, the software was so much improved that from the brain's point of view it had no way of telling the simulacrum from the authentic article. The fellow monitoring the apparatus, of course, given his external perspective, was well aware of what was happening, but only if, as a fact, he himself was not merely another brain in another vat being stimulated to have the experiences of monitoring and stimulating another brain in a vat, and so on. Eventually, of course, the entire population might in theory have been brains in vats being maintained and stimulated by programmed machinery set up long ago to ease the burdens of technicians and supervisors. But there is no reason to entertain so bizarre a possibility. Too many of our experiences go counter to such a hypothesis, for example, our learning to speak from ostensive definitions, our interactions with an obviously real environment, our relationships with our parents, siblings, friends, and so on. What about the time I skinned my knee when I fell off the tricycle? What about the time Hiram bloodied my nose in the school yard, the time I won the spelling bee, and so on? And there was high school and college, and Mabel, to whom I am engaged. We should be married next August. There is only one thing that troubles me.

Yesterday I am sure I saw an armadillo. That is not much in itself, of course, particularly here in Texas, but something about it struck me as unusual.

It was flying.

One of the problems with being a brain in a vat is that one can never be quite sure that one is not a brain in a head.

It was this sort of thing which led, eventually, regrettably, to the downfall of Horace G. Halliburton.

Vat technology had proceeded to the point where brain vacations were not unusual. For those of you who are unfamiliar with these things, recall that at one time, long ago, vacations were quite expensive. One actually went somewhere, literally, and stayed somewhere, literally, and so on. It cost money to get there, and it certainly cost money to stay there. If you were going to cycle you had to buy or rent a bicycle, or drag yours from home. If you were going skiing or scuba diving that cost you, too. And the casinos weren't set up to help you meet your expenses.

Some individuals were suckers, or sticklers, for the real thing, of course, and you had to admire them for that, I suppose, though it is not really so clear why, but once you couldn't tell the difference, between the brain vacation and the whole-body vacation, the matter tended to become somewhat abstract, if not academic.

And, after a time, the brain vacations were not only competitive with the whole-body vacations but considerably less expensive. To stay overnight at the Plaza Hotel could cost you a bundle, but to have the experience of staying there, without staying there, was comparatively cheap, and could be included in the basic vacation package. And brain vacations were secure in their way, as well. There was never any danger of breaking your leg skiing unless you wanted that included in the package, and you didn't have to worry about losing your travelers' checks, or your luggage. Too, no brain floating about in a vat, as far as I know, was ever mugged. And think of the savings on your wardrobe, and dining. Incidental expenses at the Plaza were even covered. Tickets for any show you wanted, too. Ringside seats at Madison Square Garden, whatever, the whole works.

These developments probably saved an ailing travel industry, whose costs had become prohibitive, certainly for the usual pocketbook. And if they did not save it, they surely transformed it. Indeed, many resorts and tourist spots shut down, except for supplying software to the new competition. Many travel agents unwilling to make the transition to designing and marketing vat trips went predictably to the wall, demolished, superseded by science, time, and change, rendered extinct by the newly evolving mammals of progress.

There were dangers, of course. One could get sucked into these things. Some folks wanted to fight at Actium, storm the walls at Acre, assist Nelson at Trafalgar, Wellington at Waterloo, and so on. Some went so far as riding with the Scarlet Pimpernel and matching silver bullets with the Lone Ranger.

Vat technology, at the time in question, had advanced to the point where brains could be removed, immersed, stimulated, and then, after a time, depending on the contract, reinserted in the original, waiting body, itself well maintained in the interval. Originally it had been hoped that the stimulations required could be electronically processed through the skull, to economize on nutrient fluids, and such, but this proved cumbersome and imprecise. Recall the impracticality or difficulty, at least, of making reliable astronomical observations through the shaken quilt of a turbulent atmosphere. Recall the canals of Mars, attested to by more than one astronomer of unchallenged talent, sincerity, and expertise.

To be sure, one could always hope that less invasive, if no more safe, techniques may be developed in the future.

Occasionally a mistake would be made, of course, for technicians, engineers, absent-minded janitors, electronic geniuses, and such, are, after all, human, and thus, from time to time, not surprisingly, fallible. Occasionally the wrong brain would be returned to the wrong body, so to speak, but these errors, clerical in their nature, were easily corrected. After all, it seldom took a brain very long to discover that it was not in its usual body. Usually both subjects good-naturedly took the mistake in stride, and relished the humor of the situation. Occasionally delightful domestic confusions ensued, and sometimes a blackguard tried to make off with a better body, but these were only anomalous, occasional incidents, incidents usually involving no more than minor lapses of judgment or propriety, and tended to be speedily rectified.

To be sure, the technology was occasionally abused or applied to disreputable ends. For example, more than one fleeing tyrant had his brain ensconced in a nondescript, innocent-looking body, even one waving a pitchfork and seemingly a dedicated member of a mob seeking the blood of the very tyrant in question. Occasionally there occurred situations which seem to have verged on the criminal, for example, transplanting the brain of one's inveterate enemy, perhaps a district attorney, into the body of a noted schizophrenic medically famous for his delusion of being the very district attorney in question. Another case involved a transplantation into the body of a gorilla incarcerated in a well-known zoological garden, in one of the boroughs of New York City, a gorilla denied crayons and writing materials. Too, occasionally an unscrupulous wastrel of a nephew would resort to this technology, morally neutral in itself, to obtain a coveted inheritance. Decrepit tycoons took to inhabiting the bodies of dashing young men, in order that their charms for the opposite sex might transcend those of the economic order, and so on.

But our primary concern here is with the tragic case of Horace G. Halliburton. Halliburton was a kindly, decent, well-respected member of the upper section of the lower middle middle class, in Patterson, New Jersey, who had originally been attracted to vat vacations, as were many others, in virtue of their affordability. Such vacations, however, soon became a passion with the fellow, and if one may speak of addiction without involving oneself in questions of liability, risking legal challenges from a powerful industry, and such, one might speak of addiction, but we will not, as questions of liability, and such, might be involved.

At that time it was difficult to externally monitor the subject's experiences. Indeed, even today, one is not allowed to look in on such matters, in virtue of various titles and sections in a variety of annoying privacy acts. Accordingly, although one could know very well the environment one produced for him, one was not aware, usually, and even today one is not legally entitled to be aware, of what he might be doing in that environment. A man's brain was his castle, so to speak. A man's thoughts are his own, even today, an outdated Enlightenment concept perhaps, which puts at jeopardy civilization itself, but one whose revocation would be time-consuming and expensive, involving as it would one or more amendments to the Constitution. One wonders, sometimes, what went on in the heads of the founding fathers, beneath those wigs, that they saw fit to so jealousy guard the obscure chambers of the imagination. Did they in their lewd thoughts, say, peep beneath hoopskirts? It is hard to know. One supplied a background, but what the individual did within that background was pretty much up to the individual. One gave him the pad and paper, so to speak, but did not dictate what he would write, that indeed an old-fashioned concept itself which in its own way poses challenges to the stability of a harmonious society. So, as it turned out, one could provide him with the dream, so to speak, but one could not control what he dreamed within it. This was much like reality. And it was supposed to be. Otherwise the experience would smack of fraudulence and inauthenticity. One finds in “reality” that one can do little with brick walls and buses, but one may choose to avoid them or not, as one wishes, ride the bus, or walk, and so on.

By now you have doubtless anticipated what brought about the downfall of Horace G. Halliburton.

Halliburton, and I fear many others, lurking behind antiquated privacy acts, carried on, so to speak, on their vat vacations. He began in a simple enough way, becoming an outrageous flirt, smiling winningly, and suggestively, at innocent cashiers, distracting them from their bar codes, following beautiful women about for no better reason than that they were beautiful, and so on. Later, when individuals showed up who reminded him of his boss he would gleefully pummel them, disregarding the protests of these bewildered victims. He later took to supplementing his income by rifling parking meters and, as he grew more bold, robbing several banks, usually but not always those most convenient to his home. He soon became notorious as a reckless rogue with the ladies, a bully on the streets, selective in his victims, and the subject of several all-points bulletins broadcast by a number of police departments within one hundred miles of his home. His loot from parking meters he would bestow on worthy charities, and, later, that from banks he would devote to various indulgences and dissipations appropriate to his new standing in the community, that of a infamous, much envied, much feared, glamorous, night-clubbing mobster. One of his habits most offensive to the forces of law and order was his predictions of the time and place of each of his next “jobs,” which capers he would then, invariably, as though under the very noses of the police, by means of a disguise or two, pull off, and with an insolence and bravado which might, in a more romantic time, have earned him a place in song and legend. Behind him, at the scene of the crime, a neatly lettered card would be found, with thereon inscribed the simple, tasteful, but arrogant message: Halliburton was here.

It was these cards which finally betrayed him, as energetic, relentless officers traced them to the printer from which they had been ordered.

Halliburton was apprehended, tried, and sentenced, which sentence he is now engaged in serving.

His downfall was brought about, at least in part, it seems, by the developed state of vat technology. Brain experiences and whole-body experiences were now, for all practical purposes, indistinguishable. Unbeknownst to himself Halliburton's brain at one point had been removed from the vat, his vat vacation having been concluded, and returned to his body.

One of the problems with being a brain in a vat, as we noted earlier, is that one can never be quite sure that one is not a brain in a head.

And it was this sort of thing which led, eventually, regrettably, to the downfall of Horace G. Halliburton.

His stories, however, are still told in the taverns and night clubs and it seems possible, even in our somewhat prosaic times, that he may well live on in song and legend.

That, one supposes, is some compensation

For a modest fee, autographed license plates are available.