Northern Lights Trilogy (141 page)

Elsa was excited to dress in the gown, and she forced herself to walk sedately toward a dressing room to the right. Wordlessly, an assistant came with her to help her undress and then don the gown. When Elsa had removed her own summer dress, the assistant frowned at her and then left, holding up one finger. When she returned, she had a beautiful corset in hand, decorated with delicate lace and satin ties. Compared to her own utilitarian corset, it was lovely, but Elsa shook her head at the folly of the idea of it.

“It is your wedding day, no?” said the French maid.

“It will be. But—”

“No buts. You simply cannot wear this wedding gown,” she said, gesturing to the window-display gown, now hanging on her dressing room door, “over that.”

Elsa laughed and then shrugged her shoulders. Why not? It would be her wedding day! She had encouraged Kaatje to indulge a little. Why not do so herself? In short order, the assistant had her dressed and was fussing with the sleeves. “Madame will want to take these in a leetle. Otherwise, it eez perfect, no?”

Elsa shook her head while she smiled. It was perfect. Perfectly lovely. Taking a deep breath, she exited the dressing room to see what Kaatje and the girls thought. Judging from their reaction, it was as wonderful
as she thought. The girls clapped their hands together, all talking at once, and Kaatje came to her to fuss with the drape of the skirt. “You look like a princess,” Kaatje said.

“Wait,” Madame de Boisiere said. She left them for a moment and then returned with a choker of pearls and gold beads, fastening it around Elsa’s neck. Elsa laughed as the girls aahed in appreciation—she would be purchasing the choker too.

“Well, that was simple. Perhaps we should get on with finding the girls’ dresses and those two you spoke of, Kaatje.” Madame de Boisiere turned to help Kaatje locate the patterns she desired in a large book on a side table. The girls moved to the bolts of fabric, admiring this one, hoping they could get a dress in that one, while Elsa turned to the long, oval mirror and stared at her reflection.

She was going to do it. She was going to marry Karl. And she hoped that everything on her, from corset to choker, pleased her husband-to-be. Her smile faded. If they ever found the chance to marry. Life had gotten complicated. Scheduled to take another trip to Ketchikan, Juneau, and Glacier Bay, Karl had ruefully left Elsa and the children behind to stay with Kaatje and her girls as James convalesced.

Elsa had thought about planning a wedding in Ramstad House for when he returned, but that didn’t seem right for them. The idea of waiting until they could get back to Ketchikan seemed distant too. Who knew how long they would be here with Kaatje and James? She sighed. Someday, somewhere, somehow they would marry. She ran a hand over her smooth bodice. Soon.

James stared out the window at the limb of a great pine outside, as he had for weeks now. It was his one tie to his old life. The thick forests of Alaska had sheltered him, warmed him, even fed him once or twice when he shot squirrels from her limbs. Those days were gone now, he thought sourly. He supposed his future was filled with beds and white linens and sterile rooms. And yet his eyes could focus on little but the tree limb outside his window.

Kaatje came each day, bringing drawings from the girls—they were not allowed inside the hospital—and occasionally Elsa visited. Karl came for a while, before he had to ship out again. For a moment each day, when James first caught sight of Kaatje’s bright eyes, he had to force himself to remember his infirmity, not to stumble out of bed as he eagerly tried to greet her. After that first moment when he practically forgot where he was, why he was there, then his mood would plummet, leaving him despondent. If only he could get out of bed and greet her as a man! If only he could leave his bed and run out of the hospital, out of the city, into the heavy forests that surrounded Seattle. That would heal him. That would give him strength.

But God had not answered his prayers. James had prayed, prayed specifically for the gift to walk again. To be able to kneel in front of Kaatje and ask for her hand. But it was obviously not meant to be. He could barely sit unaided, let alone kneel. And with each day, he became more and more convinced that he should release Kaatje, send her away if she wouldn’t go on her own.

So when she arrived that day, cheerfully arranging fireweed and daisies in a vase by his bed, he grabbed her arm more gruffly than he intended. She immediately halted her flower arranging, and her look of confusion and concern made James want to sink under his covers. But he did not. “Kaatje, stop. Please stop chattering as if all is well, as if all will be all right. We need to talk. Really talk.”

Kaatje did as he bid, pulling a white wooden chair to his bedside. “Anything, James. We can talk about anything.”

James cleared his throat, glancing to the tree limb outside his window then bravely back to Kaatje. “We have done it. We went through the surgery, hoping I would regain the use of my legs, but I have failed you.”

“That’s not true, James. With each day you gain a little movement…”

He held up a gentle hand to hush her. “A half-inch here and there does not add up to walking.”

“A half-inch each day eventually adds up to a foot of change.”

“I think it’s stopping, Kaatje. My progress. There has been little change in the last few days.”

“You’ve stopped pushing yourself, James.”

“Because it’s not worth it. I don’t see the end of it. Why work so hard? It would have been better for me to die on that table.”

Kaatje rose, shaking, and walked toward the window. The blood had drained from her face. Then she did something James never saw coming: she turned around and shook her index finger at him. “You listen to me, James Walker. We have been through too much for me to watch you lie down and die. Tora Storm told you how it was, and you listened. I agreed with her, afraid to say all that she did, but agreeing nonetheless. You think I don’t see you, gazing out to the trees, day after day? You don’t think I know the longing in your heart to be free of this cursed hospital and that bed or chair? I feel your pain, James,” she said, shuddering, pointing at her chest, “as if it were me. I wish it were me. I wish it had been me that took that bullet. Because if it were me, I wouldn’t give up. I would give life every possible chance. Because I had my girls. Because I had you.”

Tears were streaming down her face. “I am obviously not enough. It has to come from inside you, James.” The door opened behind her as an anxious nurse appeared, alerted by the noise, but Kaatje ignored her. “You have to reach down, down past the hurt and exhaustion and fear, and find that will to live, let alone walk. You have to remember that life is worth something, even if you are confined to a chair forever! Just because you have lost the use of your legs does not mean you have lost the power to be a man. On the contrary. You could show me you’re even more a man than you used to be, by doing all you can from the seat of a chair. Yes,” she said, nodding in response to the subtle shake of his head. “It’s true. Think about it. There are ways to be a man, even when you cannot be on a river just after ice break. It takes more here,” she said, pointing to her head, “and more here,” she said pointing to her heart, “but it is possible.”

“Leave us,” he directed the nurse.

“I must ask you to keep your voices down.”

“Leave us,” he said just as insistently, but not any louder. Miffed, the nurse turned and left. He could not look at Kaatje. “Kaatje, I want you to leave me. Leave me here and get on with your life in Alaska. I promise I will not haunt you as Soren once did.” He laughed, without merriment. “Not that I could. But I won’t come to you; I won’t write. I want you to be free.”

“Don’t you see?” She knelt and took his hand, forcing him to look at her. Pain was etched in every line of her face. “I am hopelessly in love with you, James. If you send me away, you will break my heart in a more cruel way than Soren ever did. He was thoughtless. But you have put great thought into this.”

“I am not the man you need, Kaatje.”

“You are exactly the man I need. The only man I need.”

Her calm, steady voice forced his eyes to meet hers. He licked his lips. She did not want out, was not taking his offer to run while she still could. Could it be that she could still love a useless man? What would it take to become the man she would admire, the man she described who was able to tackle a river just after ice break, a man who could fend off a mother bear for her?

Staring into her eyes, feeling her warm hand in his, James had no choice.

He had no choice but to fight again.

For the chance to walk. For the chance to live. For the chance to love.

O
n the eve of James’s homecoming, Karl and Elsa threw a celebration party at Ramstad House. James sat in his wooden wheelchair and tried to be as merry as he could, in spite of being clearly uncomfortable. He was the kind of man who was in his element deep in the Yukon, not at parties in mansions, Elsa mused. She hoped he would be able to someday return to the Yukon.

“He’s made tremendous progress,” Elsa said, reaching Karl and taking his arm. They stood together in the corner of the parlor and looked back at James and Kaatje.

“Mm-hmm,” Karl muttered, as he drew closer to her, clearly not thinking about James.

Elsa glanced at him and then swatted his arm. “Karl! Somebody might see you!”

“Mm-hmm,” he repeated. He leaned closer to her, making her bare clavicle and neck break out in goose bumps. “Come away with me,” he whispered suggestively.

“To where? We leave for Alaska next week.”

“I don’t care. Anywhere. Let’s just go. Away. Together. Let’s get married and have a bit of a honeymoon before we go to Alaska. I can’t stand waiting even another month.”

“Away from Seattle? But Tora—”

“Tora told you to get married as soon as you can. She doesn’t care if she’s there—she just wants you to marry when the time is right.”

“But Kaatje—”

“Just got James home. She’ll be concentrating on him for the next few weeks.”

“Week,” she corrected. “Kaatje told me today James wants to be on the
Fair Alaska
when we sail home.”

“Can’t blame him. Alaska might be just what he needs. The inspiration to get a man on his feet again.”

“That’s what she says too.”

“Well then, good. Kaatje and James will be here. Trent’s business will keep him away another week as well. Between Tora and Mrs. Hodge, the children will be well cared for. Let us go. To the San Juan Islands. To Vancouver. Or just out on the water. All I want is to be at sea with the woman I love. Married.”

“Just us? No one else at our wedding?”

“I like the sound of it, if it’s all right with you. We can have a big reception with all our friends and family once we return here or to Alaska.” He moved even closer to her, wrapping his arms around her shoulders and kissing her temple. “What about it? Are you ready to become my wife, Elsa?”

She looked back into his gray eyes and smiled. “Yes. There’s nothing I want more.”

“Good. Tomorrow. Let’s sail at ten. I’ll surprise you with the rest. Is that all right?”

Elsa laughed. “You mean I don’t get to plan my own wedding?”

“If that’s all right with you. If you trust me…”

“I do, Karl.”

“Good. That’s all you have to say tomorrow, too, and I’ll handle the rest. Now if you’ll pardon me, I need to leave and get our affairs in order.”

“My, aren’t you mysterious?”

“I hope so. I want you to be a little surprised every day we’re married, Elsa. That a man can love you as I do, that a marriage can be so sweet, that I can be a good father to your children. I hope I can do that for you, in honoring Peder’s memory and to complete my own joy as well.”

Elsa reached up and caressed his face. “I will pray for that too, Karl.”

“Until tomorrow, love.”

“Until tomorrow.” She smiled, the thought of tomorrow’s promise thrilling her.

“I will send a coach for you at ten. Let me go and say good-bye to the children, and then I’ll be on my way.” He held her hand until the last minute, staring into her eyes, as if he wished he did not have to leave her for even this last night.

At last, at last they were to marry! Elsa grinned and finally focused on others in the room. The party had waned, and suddenly Elsa knew that she and Karl had been quite a spectacle. When she spotted Kaatje and Tora staring at her, giggling, she understood just how much of a spectacle.

She walked over to them. “Tell me you’re laughing over something not at my expense.”

“Oh, you can afford it,” Tora said, taking her arm. “Karl told me he was going to suggest getting married tomorrow. Are you going to do it?”

“Yes. Are you sorry you won’t be there?”

“Not as sorry as you’d be if you missed such an intimate, romantic opportunity. We’ll celebrate afterward. And I want you to wear your gorgeous wedding dress to the reception.” She leaned back and stared at Elsa for a moment, then leaned forward again to hug her. “You’re going to be so happy, Elsa. That’s all that matters.”