Not Dead in the Heart of Dixie (92 page)

Mick and I are in bed. He's trying to fall asleep and I'm wide awake.

We've said goodbye in our own private way and both of us held on for several minutes longer than usual. I didn't want to let go. I never wanna let go.

Mick leaves tomorrow. It seems like a bad dream, like it really won't happen. I have visions of him walking halfway down the drive, and then he turns and runs back up the hill into my arms.

In my vision
, he tells me he can't leave. He hands his gear off to Chris and tells him to go on without him. I can dream, can't I?

Most of the unit is packed and ready to
leave after breakfast in the morning. Mick has a military pack full of gear sitting at the end of our bed. His government issued weapons are lying beside it. I feel sure that he has a few special things from home inside the pack.

After we came up the hill from supper
, Carisa threw her arms around him and cried. It broke my heart. I've always tried to imagine how hard it was for women to send their husbands off to war. I'm now imagining how hard it is for children to watch one parent go to war and the other parent struggle and cry during the night while he's (or she's) away.

Carisa says something is squeezing her heart so tightly that she expects it to come flying out the top of her head at any moment. God, please help me stay strong for her.

Mick hugged her as long as she wanted to be hugged. He had tears running down his cheeks when she finally pulled away. He promised her that he'd do his best to stay alive.

She went over several things with him and gave him a pack of Clorox wipes to keep in his pack. She told him to make sure he wipes his eating utensils before and after he uses them, and not to sleep close to anyone sick, and air his feet out whenever he has the chance, and several other things.

I began to wonder if she was receiving messages, telepathically, from his mother. I thought she'd tell him to watch out for booze, drugs, and wild women. Then, I realized she didn't know what else to say and was expressing her love in the form of caring advice for his health. After giving him several more “orders” and another pack of Clorox wipes, she headed to her room for the night.

I'm still having a hard time believing he'll walk away from here tomorrow morning.

I'm gonna sign off, snuggle up in his arms, and have a meltdown.

Bye for now.

Friday
, May 2

He's gone. He didn't turn around and run back to me.

Velma's on alert and watching me like a hawk. Maybe I should fake one of those panic attacks so she'll give me the divine concoction and I can sleep for hours. Nah...
That’s not my style. Besides, Carisa needs me awake and alert. She started crying with the first step he took. I joined in, and pretty soon the entire porch was full of crying women and uncomfortable men.

It'll be at least a month before I see Mick again. THIRTY FRICKIN' DAYS! I've never spent more than two nights away from him. When Carisa was born, he slept on a cot in my hospital room. Three or four times during our marriage he had an overnight stay at a hotel in Atlanta to attend conferences for work. I spent one night sleeping on a chair outside Marisa's room when Amber was born.

We didn't eat breakfast in the mess tent this morning. Mick wanted cold cereal and he wanted to stay home with his family for as long as possible. That's what we did.

The front door was open and I saw the mess tent come down. It was like a sudden awakening
, watching that tent slowly fall to the ground. Two hours later, the unit was ready to go and I watched as Josie said goodbye to Chris from the front gate.

We were watching the vehicles pull out when Mick turned to me. It was the moment I'd been dreading. It was 10 seconds before he walked down the driveway and joined a huge number of Patriots who'll fight for our survival if nothing else.

We watched every step he took. Carisa held my arm as he exited the gate and turned to wave. We all waved back. He climbed inside a drab olive truck that melded with the line of drab olive trucks on the road.

Rick, Isaac, and Soo waved when they exited the gate and we all waved back. I swore to Soo that I'd take good care of Merry while he's gone. He said he'll be back anytime he's on leave.

I watched Mick’s truck until it passed the tree line.. It felt surreal.

My darling Mick... My heart just walked down that driveway. He’ll be spending time with someone else. He’ll be with strangers who don’t love him
like we do.

What can I do? How can I make sure he’s fed, and safe, and has shelter over his head? I can’t.

What if he gets injured? Who’ll sit by his side, waiting for him to open his eyes? Will he die, trying to crawl home to me?

What if he’s killed? Will his body be thrown on a flatbed trailer with dozens of others? Will he be left to rot? WiIl his name be written on a list and taken back to home base. Will they contact me? How long will it take?

This doesn’t seem right. It’s a bad dream. I don’t know if I can take it. Lord, I miss him already.

I went down on my knees and prayed when he disappeared from sight. Marisa and Carisa had to drag me back up on my feet.

They followed me to my bedroom and we cried together. We held one another, assured one another, laughed through our tears, and promised to be there for one another while he's gone. I cursed him, and swore my undying love for him, in the same sentence. Both girls nodded, and we cried some more.

I seriously need to throw myself into some kind of work
, but my back is keeping me from it and I'm ticked off. I'm furious, and grumpy, and my blood pressure's probably high.

Carisa crawled into my bed to sleep on her daddy's pillow. She said she didn't get a bit of sleep last night and she was finally worn down both mentally and physically.

Marisa left to take care of her children. She promised to drag me out by the hair of my head for lunch if I don't appear on my own. She may have to do just that. I'm not sure I wanna leave this room. The smell of him lingers.

I hear lots of gunfire from the road as the rear guard takes out HDI's trying to follow the unit. I'll probably hear gunfire all day. Our men will take over when the rear guards disappear down the road. It's gonna be a long, long day. If I can make it through today and wake up tomorrow, it'll be twenty-nine days 'til I see him again. It sounds like an eternity.

I'm gonna crawl in beside Carisa and try to nap. I feel like I'm living in a different world now. Mick's gone and I miss him already.

See ya later.

2:00 PM...

Marisa almost had to make good on her promise to drag me out of the bedroom. Carisa left before I woke up, and I was sound asleep when Marisa knocked and hollered “time for lunch.”

I pulled myself awake and raised up on my elbows to shake the cobwebs from my brain before crawling off the bed and looking for something to help me walk. I'm still having trouble with my back
, but I've graduated from the metal walker to the cane.

Nana and Rebecca made baked beans with hotdogs sliced up to pour over rice for lunch. Nana said the hotdogs came from the frozen supplies the unit left inside the reefer trailer. She had to soak the packages in warm water to thaw them out in time for lunch.

Surprisingly, I'm doing okay right now. I don't wanna see anyone's face other than my children or grandchildren, but I have no choice. I'll wither and die if I don't carry on. Carisa wouldn't be able to handle me becoming a recluse.

While we ate, everyone updated me on what the unit finished before they left.

The second tunnel has all supports up. Part of one wall in the big room has supports as well.

The well is full
, and Dane thinks he can figure out some way to pump the water up the hill. He began slinging terms and names of equipment toward me and finally figured out that I didn't understand a word he was saying by the blank look on my face. He went back to his beans and weenies so that anyone else with a report could speak.

While Jason was describing the
gate, I was wondering why they all thought of me as the “Godfather” of the group. I don't want that position. I wonder who I can pass it off to. Maybe Pop will accept. He's good at that kind of stuff. Yep, I think I'll ask him to step up and be the President of Kapper Hill while Mick's gone.

Lunch was over and Marisa wouldn't let me return to my room. She
told me to sit on the chaise and talk while the kitchen was cleaned and dishes were washed.

Carisa was moping around the room and I told her we needed a full and complete list of exactly what supplies we have and where they're located.

I asked Jesse to make a full and complete list of all the ammo and weapons we have and where they're located.

I finally stood and told Marisa that I had a duty to write in my diary everyday around this time as I walked down the hall and into my room. It felt good to close the door behind me.

I have Mick's pillow on my lap and I can squeeze it and smell it anytime I wish. This pillow and pillowcase will not be washed while he's gone. It's my security blanket.

Since I can't physically work, I intend to throw myself into planning what supplies need to be taken to which locations
, and try to figure out how to get them there without Josie or Velma finding out.

We hadn't considered Ian. I wonder if his loyalty now lies with Kapper Hill or if he still feels a duty to the military. We need to meet and discuss it before telling him our plans.

It won't be long before someone comes to drag me out of here for supper. I think I'll look through my wedding album while I wait. I feel useless. See ya later.

11:30 PM...

How dare I believe this would be a quiet night? I must've been crazy to even consider the idea.

It's Mick's first night away from home and the HDI family reunion decided to hold their annual event in the big field around the onion garden fence. They looked like spectators at a baseball game. The entire perimeter was surrounded by HDI's looking in.

The worst part? Pop and Emma were inside the fence with the Kubota. The days are longer now
, and we have a couple hours of daylight after supper. Pop thought it would be a grand time to start work on the onion field.

Emma was
there with him, carrying a rifle across her shoulders, to stand guard. Pop jumped off the tractor and took the rifle from her. He began shooting HDI's through the fence.

We could hear the fence rattling from here as the “live ones” were driven into a frenzy,

The men headed to the trailer fence and were halfway down the hill when Deuce ran in from the back screaming that he'd seen an HDI fly on one of the horses. I heard ringing in my ears as I yanked him into the kitchen and asked if he'd been bitten or if he'd killed the fly. The answer to both was “no.”

I didn't know what to do.

I tried to get Deuce to run to the tunnel and tell Jeremy and Jesse to get here as soon as possible but he refused to go back outside. Valerie said she'd do it and threw one of the beekeeper hats over her head as she went out the door.

Jeremy and Jesse arrived within five minutes. I threw beekeeper outfits and fly swatters toward them and told them what Deuce thought he saw. They donned the outfits and headed to the meadow.

I headed to the front porch.

Sud
denly, our sweet, mild-mannered Pao jumped inside the Humvee we got from the fake military and drove it to the bottom of the driveway, stopping at the gate

I saw Carisa jump out of the passenger side and my heart almost exploded. She unlocked the gate and slid it open enough for Pao to drive the Humvee through. Then, she closed it behind him. He drove the Humvee straight through the onion fence and came to a halt beside the tractor. Pop and Emma jumped inside and Pao drove back to the gate.

The folks on top of the trailer fence shot HDI's while Carisa opened the gate to allow the Humvee to enter. By that time, HDI's were crossing the road and trying to climb the trailer fence.

Dane said it was like shooting fish in a barrel. Thirty minutes later they were almost out of HDI's and most of them were out of ammo. Dane and Ian stayed to take out the remaining HDI's and Luke ran to the basement, grabbed ammo and headed back down to resupply them.

When I went back inside, Elaine asked where Jesse was and I told her I'd sent him to the meadow to kill an HDI fly Deuce thought he saw.

She dr
ew back her hand to slap me and I caught her by the wrist. Through clenched teeth I dared her to try it again. She lowered her arm and walked into the kitchen to stare at the door and wait for Jesse to return. Several minutes went by before he and Jeremy came inside to tell us what they'd found.

Nothing. They found nothing.
The sun was setting when they headed back to the house.

Jesse said the beekeeper outfits spooked the horses and they wouldn't come near either of them. They wanted to check each horse
, but the big babies wouldn't go near those beekeeper outfits and Jesse said he and Jeremy weren't about to take them off, so they came inside.