Not My Will and The Light in My Window (11 page)

“Today the call is still going forth. Our Lord needs servants—bond servants—as never before; men and women ready to leave their old lives, their wills, their plans, and purposes to go forth for Him, to live and serve Him, in far lands and here at home. He needs men and women in every walk of life: the pulpit, the doctor’s office, the bank, the machine shop, the schoolroom. Every place where human beings live and toil, He wants His servants to go forth on His business.

“There has never been a day so urgent as this. The forces of might are increasing faster than the forces of right, and the judgment of this world seems impending.

“Can we refuse the Master’s call? ‘Ye are not your own … ye are bought with a price,’ says Paul the apostle. As bond servants of our Lord, we
must answer,
‘Here am I, Lord; send me.’

“Our Lord, as an obedient Son, said, ‘Lo, I come to do thy will!’ If we love God truly, can we do less? Shall we not come, saying in utter humility and sincerity, ‘Not my will … but Thine’?”

Eleanor and Chad slipped out as soon as the benediction was over. Both were greatly moved, and the rest of the day was a quiet one. Eleanor longed to discuss the sermon but could not speak easily of it. Chad wanted to talk about it but felt it was wiser to let Eleanor bring up the subject herself. He knew she was pondering the message, and he prayed silently that the Holy Spirit would open her heart to receive the truth.

As the shadows of evening began to fall, they packed the car once more and started back to the city, but during
the long drive, they were unusually silent. However, the warmth and friendliness of the snug little apartment broke the tension.

“It’s been a wonderful time, Ellen. Let’s do that every chance we get! The noise and dirt of the city are easier to bear if they are mixed up with a few real times like that.”

Eleanor’s eyes smiled in happy agreement as she replied, “It
does
liven one up to get out into the woods. We’ll always have the cabin to go to since I can’t sell it. (I’ll tell you about that some day.) We can run away anytime we choose, but after each run-away time it will be a little harder to run back, I’m afraid. Some day, Chad, we’ll take the children and go there and stay.”

A
ll Monday morning they were busy, Eleanor with neglected ironing, Chad with some electrical repairs. Eleanor’s thoughts, however, were not on the shirts she was pressing so carefully. She kept seeing a Hebrew servant asking his master to pierce his ear, and hearing the plea for Christians today to give themselves in complete surrender as bond servants to Christ. Her heart longed to answer the call. She never had been satisfied with halfway commitments. She knew that if she yielded, she must yield completely. And the cost of doing so she dared not contemplate. But there was Chad—Chad, whose love for her pleaded constantly and silently for her to open her heart to his Savior. She knew that Chad would never be satisfied to let this issue die, and she herself could not ignore it any longer. It must be settled.

On the one side there was surrender to Christ—and all its implications, which made her draw back in fear.
On the other side there was a continuance of her self-will—and the fact that never again would Chad be satisfied with her. In utter despair, Eleanor dropped her head on her hands and let the tears have their way.

So it was that Chad found her later. He had never seen her cry in his way before, and he gathered her close, begging her to tell him the cause. When she could not speak, he asked softly, “Is it about yesterday’s sermon?”

Eleanor nodded and moved more closely into his arms.

“I thought so,” he went on, “and though I don’t like to see you cry, I’m glad we heard that sermon, for it said better than I ever could the things I have wanted to say to you. Oh, Ellen, you do believe that Christ died for your sins, don’t you? The Scripture says, ‘If we confess our sins, he [God] is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.’ Just tell God everything, Ellen, and thank Him for forgiveness from all sin through Christ. Remember, He means what He says. And then just turn everything over to Him! Can’t you just let go and let the Lord be your Master for all time? I do believe He is your Savior. I believe that you’ve accepted His sacrifice for you. Don’t you want to give Him complete control now? It would be wonderful for us to serve Him together.”

She was silent in his arms, then her voice came in sobs, “Oh, I wish I could!”

“You can, honey. It’s not hard. Let me tell you what happened to me this summer. You know I accepted Christ as a little boy. But the last two years I’ve gone on my way doing much as I pleased and not giving Him His due at all. Then this summer, when I was so lonely
for you, I found what a friend He can be. Mom helped me a lot by her talks to me. And I know, too, that her prayers were a big help. It’s hard to tell just what happened, but one night after I talked to Mom I felt such a longing for Him that I confessed my lack of love and gave myself anew to Him, for service or sacrifice as He sees fit. And another night I knelt by the bench near my dad’s grave and
gave you
to Him. I do want to be completely and utterly surrendered, but my life is so bound up in yours that I can’t do the thing my conscience bids me, without your cooperation. You know what I mean, dear. We can’t go on as we have. We are living a lie all the time, and we’ll never be really happy again until we tell the world that we are man and wife and take the consequences, whatever they be!”

“Oh, we can’t!”

“You’ve said that so many times, but I don’t see it anymore. You may lose your job with Professor Nichols. I don’t think you will. But even if you do, we’ll manage somehow. We may have to give up this apartment and take just one little room. But we’d be together. And God would not forsake us, I’m sure. Come on, dear heart, let’s kneel together and tell Him we will.”

Chad stood up and tried to draw her to his side, but she burst into a wild storm of tears and drew away. Chad’s face became stern, and his voice was firm as he spoke. “Ellen, there’s something more to this than I can understand. Can’t you tell me?”

She clung to him in desperation and finally sobbed, “Oh, I have to tell you, but I’d rather die!”

He picked her up and laid her on the couch, then bringing some warm, damp cloths, bathed her face and
eyes. He brought her a glass of water and for long minutes sat by her side smoothing her hair, patting her hot, trembling hands, and waiting. When she was quieter, he spoke again. “You’ll have to tell me whatever it is, dear. That’s the only way we’ll ever get it straight. It must be pretty bad to make you feel like this. But it can’t be bad enough to shake our love, and it isn’t so bad that our Lord can’t make it all right. So let’s get it over.”

She clung to his hands, saying desperately, “Hold me tight, Chad. This is going to be
hard.”

Then she drew a deep breath and began her story. Some of it he had heard before; some was entirely new to him. She gave him all the background—Aunt Ruth’s unfortunate marriage and consequent hatred of all men, the unreasonable restrictions she had placed upon Eleanor, Aunt Ruth’s illness and death, and finally—reluctantly—the terms of the will.

“So, if I married before I was twenty-five,” Eleanor barely whispered, “I should lose all the money. I’ve never cared for money except for my education and for setting me up in my chosen profession. But it
wasn’t
right for Auntie to bind me that way! I didn’t care till I met you, but then I couldn’t stand to wait two more years because of her foolish prejudice. If I lose the principal, I can never go on with the work I had planned. And I’d planned for you, too, Chad. The money would enable us both to do big things in our fields. So I thought we could keep our marriage a secret till I was twenty-five, then we could tell it and we could use the money together. But I see things differently now. Oh, I don’t know what to do!”

She stopped in exhaustion and, when Chad did not
answer, looked anxiously into his face. It was white and stern, and she pulled away from him in shame.

But he drew her back and only said, “Go on.”

“I
can’t go
on. There’s no place to go. I’m just now beginning to comprehend the awful thing I’ve done. I didn’t know human beings could get into such a mess. There isn’t any way out that’s the right way.”

“Oh, yes, there is, and it’s up to us to find it. It’s much worse than I imagined, and any solution is going to cost something. If I had dreamed of such a thing as this you couldn’t have paid me to marry you. You’re more than life itself to me now, and even when I first met you I knew I couldn’t live without you. But two years isn’t eternity, and we could have endured it. Then we could have married openly, and together we could have made that money work for God and the world through a long life of happiness together. But it’s too late to think of that. We have to find our way out of this tangle, and I’ll admit it’s a puzzler.”

Chad drew from her dress the chain that she always wore and turned the little wedding ring around and around in his fingers. After what seemed to Eleanor an unbearably long time, he asked, “Can you talk about this some more without getting too upset? Will you tell me all the facts and let me see the papers you have?”

She quietly brought a big envelope and laid the documents before him.

“I might as well save you the trouble of wading through them,” she said wearily. “I know them by heart. My own parents hadn’t much money at all. The lake cabin and adjoining farm belonged to Daddy and is so fixed that it can’t be sold so long as there’s a Stewart in
direct descent to inherit it. The oldest son gets it if there is one; otherwise, the oldest daughter. Just before I was born Daddy used all his money to modernize it, expecting to open a high-class summer camp there for boys. Then when he and Mother were taken, all there was left for me was the cottage and farm. The farming land is only forty acres, and the income from it just about pays for taxes and upkeep.

“There was some stock in a company that hadn’t paid dividends in years. So Aunt Ruth had to take me. When I was about eighteen, the stock company reorganized and has been paying me a little income ever since. And when Auntie died, the will said I was to get $200 a month until the age of twenty-five; then, if I wasn’t married, I was to get her entire estate. It’s a big one, Chad—I’m afraid to tell you how big. Her husband was very wealthy. But, according to the will, if I married under twenty-five, the entire amount is to go to Xenia Laboratories for research work.

“So you see what it means. Till I’m twenty-five, I get the $200 each month. Since we came into this apartment, Chad, I’ve not used any money except my salary and what you gave me. So there’s a lot in the bank now, and no matter what happens there’ll be $200 a month for another fifteen months, when I’ll be twenty-five. But after that, if I acknowledge our marriage, there’ll be nothing! I guess that’s all,” she finished flatly.

For the remainder of the afternoon Chad put questions to Eleanor, which she answered, until there was no detail he did not know. Eleanor did not attempt to argue or justify her course. The recital had left her too
weary for any decision, and she simply awaited her husband’s move.

After the supper dishes were washed Eleanor brought out her books to try to study. Chad went into the tiny dressing room and closed the door. At the end of half an hour Ellen had to admit that she had not seen one word of the text she was looking at, and, as she turned the pages back to begin again, Chad came out with his overcoat on.

“I have to go to the lab, Ellen, and I’ll be late getting back. Don’t wait up for me. I’m leaving this decision to you, dear. It is your problem, and you must decide. I’ve been praying as I’ve never prayed before, and I hope you won’t think I’m trying to dictate. It’s a hard thing to give up such a sum of money as that and to surrender with it all the plans of your life. The thought of it staggers me. But we won’t really suffer, Ellen, if that is the right way, for God will be with us. He’ll open up other fields of service for us. So, if He tells you to do this thing, we’ll do it together, and I know He will bless us. But, as I said before, the decision is yours. I will never force you to do anything, and I’ll stand by you whatever you do. I’m going to leave it to you and the Lord.”

After the door closed behind Chad, Eleanor tried again to study, but to no avail. At last she closed her books with a sigh and sat quietly in the big chair, turning over and over in her mind the difficult problem with which she was faced.

“If I didn’t love Chad so much,” she told herself, “I wouldn’t care. But he wants me to tell about our marriage. I know he does—even though I lose all the money. Oh, I do want to serve Jesus Christ, since He loved
me and bought me with His own blood. How nice it would be if Chad and I could dedicate ourselves together to God and live always for Him!”

“But your laboratory?” a voice whispered. “How about the wonderful work you plan to do together? It’s not wrong to try to keep the money in order to serve humanity. In all your plans there isn’t one selfish motive. It isn’t wrong for you to love your husband either. You work better with him. Together you and he will have a great ministry of healing. It would be absurd to give up this wonderful plan!”