Nothing Left to Lose (33 page)

My mouth popped
open in shock as he turned on his heel and walked out, leaving me
with Dean and Peter. As the door slammed behind him, I jumped as a
huge lump seemed to form in my throat.
He left me. He promised
he wouldn’t leave me…
My heart immediately hurt in my chest as
my stomach tightened. Deep down, I’d known it was only a matter of
time before he left because everyone did eventually, I just hadn’t
realised that it would happen so soon or so suddenly. I wasn’t even
close to being prepared for it.

I stared at the
door, willing him to walk back in and shout at me some more, to
tell me that I’d upset him but that he’d been hasty in deciding to
leave. He didn’t come back though. My whole body seemed to go cold
as my heart sank. My vision became a little blurry and I realised
that I was about to cry. I swallowed my sobs and raised my chin as
I took a deep breath, trying to calm myself. I refused to cry over
another man.

Knowing that
Dean and Peter were still watching me and waiting for some sort of
reaction, I forced the devastated feelings aside and turned back to
the punch bag and hit and kicked it until I hurt all over from the
effort. By the time I finished, my legs were wobbly and my fingers
were numb.

Dean and Peter
were sitting on the chairs, waiting for me in silence. “I’m done,”
I muttered, walking past them and not waiting for them to catch me
up.

The ominous
silence continued as they walked me to my apartment. When I stepped
through the front door, Dean followed me in and headed into the
lounge while I went straight to the bathroom for a shower. He would
be the one that would move in and take over as near guard until
they found a replacement for Ashton. I couldn’t even bring myself
to care about the fact that I didn’t want him here.

The hot water
of the shower did nothing to help the crushing feelings I had
inside. I felt terrible, the loss of him was painful, and all I
could see was his devastated face when he said that he would never
hurt me. My insides were hurting, my head was throbbing, and my
whole body was aching.

When I got out
of the shower, I pulled my hair into a ponytail and found one of
his T-shirts that he’d left behind. I pressed it against my face,
inhaling deeply. A little whimper left my lips because it still
smelt like him. Needing the comfort, I slipped it on over my head
and climbed into the bed, hugging myself tightly. Feeling cold and
lonely, I cried for him until I fell asleep.

“
Come on,
Princess, it’s fun, you’ll like it. I’ve played lots of times. Take
the gun, take a deep breath and then pull the trigger,” Carter
insists, waving the gun towards me again.

My whole body
is shaking as I wring my hands, ignoring the pain in my wrists
caused by the deep cuts I’d made there the week before. I feel
nauseous.

Carter raises
one eyebrow. “Come on, we’ll make a deal. You wanted to die last
week; if you die, then you’ll be getting what you wanted. If I die,
you then can go free, and if neither of us dies, then you’ll stay
here with me. Forever,” he suggests, grinning wildly.

Silent tears
fall down my face as I look at the shiny, little silver gun
balanced on the palm of his outstretched hand. “That’s not a deal!
I don’t have a choice!” I cry.

“
You have a
two in six chance of not being here with me. That’s what you want,
isn’t it?” he retorts sarcastically.

“
Please
don’t make me do this, Carter. Please?” I beg. He sighs and moves
the gun; using two fingers, he spins the cartridge.

As I realise
that this is my only way out, I silently pray that either I die or
he does, because the alternative, staying here with him, doesn’t
bear thinking about. Fear runs through my veins, causing my hands
to shake violently. I watch as he pulls some kind of straw out of
his pocket, bends towards the table and the line of white powder
that I’d watched him make, and snorts it all before grinning at me
wildly.

Because I’ve
not moved, he rolls his eyes and points the gun at his own temple.
“I’ll go first,” he states, as if this is an everyday
occurrence.

I hold my
breath. He smiles and winks at me as he pulls the trigger. Vomit
rises in my throat, but nothing happens, the gun doesn’t go off.
Overwhelmed, I turn to the side and am violently sick over the
expensive-looking rug.

He smiles at
me tenderly, clearly planning on ignoring the fact that I’m still
retching. “Well then, I guess the best you can hope for is that you
die, Princess,” he states, shaking his head sadly. He holds the gun
out to me again, nodding encouragingly. I raise a shaky hand, and
whimper as my fingers close around the cool metal of the gun.
Carter’s hand closes over mine as he guides the gun up under my
chin. I swallow, feeling the hard metal pressed against my skin.
“You can do it, Princess.” The tone of his voice is kind and
loving; it doesn’t match the fact that he is making me pull a gun
under my chin. I take a deep breath and pray for death. I don’t
want to stay here. “Count to three,” he whispers.

“
One… Two…”
My voice is shaking as I count slowly. My heart stops just before
the last word comes out as a broken whisper. “Three.” I pull the
trigger.

CLICK.

“
I guess
you’re mine to keep now, Princess,” Carter gloats. His eyes are
dancing with delight as a large, lopsided, drug-induced smile
creeps onto his face.

I sat bolt
upright as my piercing scream tore through the air. Ashton’s
T-shirt was stuck to me where I was sweating. My lungs were tight
so I couldn’t breathe properly. I just couldn’t get enough air in,
so it felt like I was suffocating.

Seconds later,
the door burst open, slamming against the wall loudly. “Anna! Shit,
it’s okay, Baby Girl, it’s okay. I’m so sorry, I fell asleep on the
sofa, I’m so sorry,” Ashton cooed. My eyes widened in shock as I
looked up at him, still struggling to breathe. He sat on the bed
and wrapped his arms around me, rocking me gently. “I’m sorry. I
didn’t mean to fall asleep out there, I’m sorry,” he whispered,
stroking my hair.

I couldn’t
focus on anything other than my dream and the crushing horror that
was eating me up inside. Carter. Carter’s face. His voice. His
wicked smirk. His excited eyes. All of it swam before me, taunting
me, hurting me, killing me.

Vomit rose in
my throat, so I clamped one hand over my mouth and shoved myself
out of his arms. I staggered out of the bed and ran for the
bathroom, barely managing to make it before I emptied my stomach
into the toilet. While I was being sick, Ashton rubbed my back and
whispered soothing words. I pushed on his legs, pointing to the
door, signalling for him to leave.

“I’m not
leaving you like this,” he stated, getting a washcloth and wetting
it, before placing it across the back of my neck as I retched and
retched.

I squeezed my
eyes shut, gasping for breath.
Why that one? Why did it have to
be that dream?
Other than seeing Jack die on that fire escape,
this one was the worst dream that usually haunted me – because
right after the incident with the gun, Carter had pinned me to the
floor next to the pile of my own vomit and had taken my
virginity.

My whole body
was shaking as I wiped my forehead, sitting back on my feet as I
gasped for breath.

“Calm down,
Baby Girl. Take deep breaths and calm down. Everything’s fine, I
promise you,” Ashton whispered, adjusting the cool cloth on my
neck.

My chin wobbled
as I looked over at him sitting on the floor next to me. I could
see the pain on his face; he looked helpless, like he didn’t know
how to help me. At that moment, my body reacted instinctively. I
whimpered and threw my arms around his neck, holding him tightly as
I sobbed against him.

He groaned,
wrapping his arms around me and rocking me gently until I finally
managed to calm down. When he moved to pull back, I shook my head
in protest, clamping myself against his chest. “Don’t leave,” I
begged. I couldn’t let him go anywhere. I couldn’t go back to
dreaming like that again every night, I didn’t want to be without
him.

“Anna, let go,”
he whispered, reaching up and unclasping my hands from his
neck.

Rejection made
my eyes sting as I clenched my teeth together and dropped my eyes
to the floor. As he stood up, I realised that this was entirely my
fault. He was leaving because I’d pushed him away by not trusting
him. I’d pushed him out of my life, and I was now going to have to
deal with the consequences of that.

Instead of
leaving though, he bent down and slipped his arms around me,
lifting me easily off the floor and holding me tightly against his
body. I looked up at his face, shocked as he pushed the bathroom
door open and carried me over to the bed.

Wordlessly, he
laid me down and curled around me protectively. Not daring to hope
that this meant what I thought it meant, I burst into another round
of sobs and scooted closer to him, burying my face into his
chest.

“I’m so sorry,
Ashton. Please don’t leave, please?” I begged, clutching him
tightly.

He stroked my
hair. “I’m not leaving,” he murmured, kissing the top of my head.
My heart skipped a beat at his words, and I pulled back to look at
his face to check if he was just saying that to calm me down. “I’m
not leaving,” he insisted, kissing my forehead and cheeks.

“Really?” I
whimpered. He nodded in confirmation as he bent and kissed my
forehead. I closed my eyes, and a small smile twitched at the
corners of my mouth as his words sank in. “I’m sorry,” I
croaked.

“I know. It’s
alright. Just go back to sleep. I’m staying right here, I promise.”
His arms tightened around me as he rested his chin on top of my
head. Closing my eyes, I pressed my face into his chest and let his
smell waft over me. My heart seemed to slow down as the dread and
loneliness slowly receded. As his hand stroked my back softly, I
realised that I actually loved Ashton’s smell.

I woke in the
morning trapped underneath him. I was on my back, and he was lying
on me, his head on my chest, his arms either side of my body and
his bottom half between my legs. He was heavy, but, in a weird way,
it was actually a pleasant weight. A quick glance at the clock told
me it was only six thirty; I could let him sleep for another thirty
minutes. I wrapped my arms around him and ran my fingers through
his messy, black hair.

Shame washed
over me because I’d doubted him at the gym by thinking that he’d
hit me. I should have known better and had more faith in him. My
eyes raked over his handsome face and I felt the frown slip onto my
face. I was so attached to him already; I really shouldn’t have let
this guy past my defences. It scared the life out of me that I
needed him. I deliberately pushed everyone away so that I would
never have to feel loss again, but I’d felt it last night. I had
known him just a week, yet I’d felt it when he’d walked off, and
this dependency would only get worse.

After half an
hour, the alarm buzzed so I quickly silenced it, but it was too
late, he’d woken. His eyes fluttered open as he lifted his head,
looking down at me.

“Hi,” I greeted
sheepishly.

He smiled sadly
“Hi, you okay?” he asked.

I winced,
knowing that I’d probably never be able to take it back or make it
better. He’d always know that I didn’t have faith in him when it
mattered. “I’m really sorry, honestly, I’m so sorry, Ashton.”

He sighed and
shifted on top of me, pulling himself higher so he was hovering
above me. “I would never hurt you.” Sincerity dripped from every
syllable as he looked directly into my eyes.

My heart
throbbed painfully at the intensity of his look and the way he said
the words. “I know. I don’t know what I was thinking. You were just
so angry and then you grabbed me, and I just… I don’t know,” I
swallowed, trying to keep the tears at bay again.

“Anna, no
matter how angry I was, I would never do that. I promise you.” I
nodded, unable to speak. “You thought I was gonna leave?” he asked,
stroking my hair away from my face.

“I thought
you’d already left,” I admitted.

He shook his
head, frowning. “I won’t leave you. Even if we had a huge fight, I
still wouldn’t leave you,” he promised.

With his eyes
blazing with truth, I believed him. The only way he would leave
before his assignment was over was if I had him transferred,
because he wouldn’t quit. I looped my arms around his neck, smiling
happily now.

“Thank you,” I
whispered, gratefully.

“You don’t have
to thank me, Baby Girl.” He bent his head and planted a soft kiss
on my lips, pulling back after a fraction of a second. I didn’t
even have time to react before he pushed himself up off me,
straddling my hips as he grinned down at me. “I guess I’m squashing
you, huh?”

“I liked it,” I
muttered, chuckling as heat flooded my face at my admission.

He grinned too
and dropped down onto the mattress next to me instead. “Guess I
didn’t even get to try out the new sofa bed.” He nodded towards the
new addition to my room. Apparently it had been delivered while we
were at school.

I smiled and
shrugged. “It looks like it would be comfy too,” I teased.
“Probably more comfortable than sleeping on top of me.” I frowned
at the sofa bed, resenting it a little because I would actually
rather him sleep in my bed with me, especially after last night –
so long as I could manage to keep a hold on my slutty side that
only ever seemed to come out when I was around him.

He laughed.
“Doubt it.” His arm wrapped around my waist, pulling me tightly
against him as he looked at me intently. “Anna, will you tell me
why you train like that? I can understand you pushing it with the
self-defence stuff, but the running I just don’t understand.”