Now and Again (8 page)

“I'm just checking the list,” said Danny, and Le Roy said, “Shit, man, you can check and recheck, but that sucker's already been fired.”

“I know,” said Danny with a grin. “But I'm checking anyway.”

It was an article of faith among the troops that there was no rhyme or reason to who made it and who didn't. The bullet with a soldier's name on it had already been fired if it was going to be fired, and if it wasn't, well, you were good. It was the kind of comforting fatalism that appealed to Le Roy. Whenever E'Laine worried about him, he said, “Don't you worry, baby. If my number's up, it's up, and if it ain't, it ain't.”

But they did what they could anyway, so Le Roy made sure both radios were in working order and the tanks were full of fuel while Danny checked and rechecked the straps that secured the equipment and Kelly rustled up the cases of water and filled his CamelBak and an extra canteen because water was important to Kelly, not that it wasn't important to all of them, and Harraday paced back and forth and got himself into what he called “mission mode” and Rinaldi fished out his cross and kissed it and Pig Eye patted his pockets and looked around kind of wildly.

“Pig Eye's going to be a problem,” said Le Roy, but he was talking to himself because everyone was busy taking care of last-minute tasks before hoisting themselves up into the trucks just as Summers blasted the horn of the vehicle Le Roy was riding in and Tishman climbed up into the front right seat of the extra gun truck and Finch and the other gunners climbed into their slant-sided turrets and the line of trucks ahead of them ground into gear. Then Betts shouted, “Okay, boys, let's roll,” which Le Roy remembered was what that guy on one of the 9/11 planes had said just before it exploded over a field in Pennsylvania.

P
ig Eye spent the boring hours driving or on patrol imagining different escape scenarios where he not only had to get away, but also had to make it back home under his own steam. A major component of the fantasies was imagining what he would need in order to accomplish the task. It gave him something to do to plan elaborate lists of supplies and to keep an eye out for useful items. When he found one, he added it to his kit: a protein bar, a travel alarm clock, an extra pair of paracord laces, a spool of wire, a folding knife, and now the detonator. The pocket wasn't big enough for everything in his collection, so he had to rotate what he kept in it. He stored the items he didn't have room for in a drawstring canvas bag in his locker.

When they were together on patrol, Le Roy or Hernandez would come up with a situation and ask Pig Eye how he would get out of it, or they would quiz each other about escape techniques. “What's the breaking strength of paracord?” Pig Eye might ask. Or Hernandez might want to know, “When is the best time to escape?”

“Right away,” Pig Eye would say. “Your first opportunity is always the best one you'll have.”

On patrol the previous evening, Hernandez had taught him a time-slowing trick that involved imagining he could throttle down the surrounding action so it played at low speed, giving him more time for whatever he was doing, and Pig Eye had imagined a scenario where barbed wire figured in. So that morning he had switched out the cigarette lighter for a pair of wire cutters he had won off another soldier in a poker game. “Just in case,” he had said when Hernandez caught his eye, and Hernandez had said, “Yeah, man, just in case.”

The only book Pig Eye had ever read voluntarily was
The Things They Carried,
and the idea that what a man carried with him said something profound about who the man was had stayed with him. He had come to disdain the sentimental and useless treasures most of his comrades pulled from their own pockets to moon over at night. A letter from his mother wasn't going to save his life. A picture of Emmie wasn't going to get him home. Still, among the things in the cargo pocket was just such a picture. He knew it said something about him, and what it said was that he was irrational and soft. It was awareness of his weaknesses that made him extra meticulous in his plans for escape, even though he also knew that escape was impossible, for let's say he could get away from his captors, where would he go in that forbidding and alien land?

One of Pig Eye's most shameful secrets was that his escape fantasies didn't always entail escaping from Iraqi captors, but from his unit. When he had thoughts like those, he felt like a traitor. But even when he closed his eyes and forced himself to imagine he was being held hostage by both Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein, he couldn't always get the bad kind of fantasy out of his head.

“What are the two most important things in any escape?” asked Pig Eye, trying to start a conversation with Danny, who was sitting next to him in the front seat, alternately scanning his sector and siting down the barrel of his M4.

“A howitzer,” said Danny.

“No. These things are commonplace and they don't take up so much room.”

Danny thought for a minute and then said, “Water.”

“I'll give you a hint,” said Pig Eye. “I don't have either of them in my kit.”

“Why the hell not?” asked Danny. “If they're the most important thing.”

“Because everyone has them and no one does.”

“Okay, riddle man, what are they?”

“Time and opportunity,” said Pig Eye. “Opportunity and time.”

After that Danny fell silent again and Pig Eye went back to thinking about Emmie and how because of Harraday “taking care of” had morphed in his mind into “handle” and “handle” had morphed into “pork.”

H
urry, Maggie said to herself as she rushed down the prison steps in the evenings, and then she said it again as she took the bus to the shopping plaza to buy something for dinner, after which she waited impatiently in the parking lot for Lyle or he waited impatiently for her. Mornings, it was the same thing in reverse. She would arrive at the prison breathless, her head spinning with competing admonitions: Move a little faster! Haste makes waste! Nobody cares if you're late or not! She shivered to think that defeat was lurking and might be inevitable. But late for what? And why defeat?

The prison was set on a rise, dwarfing the people who flocked every day from the employee parking lot up the long flight of granite steps and through a gauntlet of metal detectors and guards charged with keeping the prisoners in and contraband out. Every time Maggie stepped through the gate into the chilly welcome center, she winced as if she were guilty of something, as if the metal detector could see the image of the top-secret document that was squirreled away in her brain or as if the escaped one-eyed men with hooks for arms her father had invented to scare his children into obedience were watching her from wherever they were hiding. It was easy to imagine her father waiting in the shadows too, to shout at her for something she had done or not done—a shoe unlaced, a toy left carelessly on the stair instead of put away in a closet, for crying or not crying when he smacked her, or the only jam to be found in the cupboard was strawberry when didn't he always like peach—or to chase the four of them into their rooms, bolting the doors from the outside as if order in the house, as in the world, depended upon incarceration.

And where was her mother while all of this was going on? By the age of thirty-nine, Mary Sterling had taken to the shadows too, her body shrunken inside her paisley dress. She sent the children for the shopping and rarely ventured out. Maggie had looked helplessly on as her mother was buffeted before the winds of her father's rages. That will never happen to me, she promised herself, and it hadn't. Lyle always asked her what she thought before voicing his own opinion, and even though her father was long gone by the time Lyle had come along, Lyle seemed to understand that paternal absence was a kind of presence, so he tiptoed around it and helped with the dishes and remembered not to slam the door.

Every morning, Maggie took off her bracelets and put her purse on a conveyor belt so it could be x-rayed and searched. Every morning, she smiled at the guards and wondered if they too shouted at their wives. The head of the morning detail was a narrow man with furrowed skin and furtive eyes whose name was Louis, but in the evenings, the burly Hugo was in charge. Hugo exuded an air of tense restraint, as if he was holding his manliness in check or training for some test of stamina and determination. He seemed to find the intimacy implied in searching Maggie's purse or running a scanner over her body amusing, and their thirty-second interactions began to feel like aggressive physical encounters. Hugo would say, “We have to stop meeting like this,” in a way that could be interpreted as a joke or as something more serious disguised as a joke. Or he would scrutinize Maggie's face or dress with a savage gleam in his eyes until she blushed and fumbled for just the right lighthearted comment that would acknowledge his superiority in terms of size and strength, while also reminding him that she had a family and that she wasn't available now and never would be.

But something about her interactions with Hugo suited Maggie. The layers to their little conversations fit with a growing sense that she was leading a double life, and she wondered if Hugo also thought of himself as two people: as the determined warrior he was at work and as the virile masher she imagined him to be when he went out on the weekends with his friends. Occasionally she allowed herself to respond to him in a way that hinted at the dual roles both of them were playing. “I see you're wearing your Schwarzenegger smile today,” she might say, or “Prison guard by day, lady-killer by night.” And then Hugo would smirk at her and reply, “I haven't killed anybody yet.”

This wasn't the kind of banter Maggie was used to, and she was shocked at her own boldness. But something about it meshed with an inner readiness, as if she had spent the last sixteen years not only mothering and keeping house, but also training for a clandestine project she didn't yet understand.

“She's too old for you,” Louis would say to Hugo if he was working a double shift, and Hugo's face would become a cartoon of regret. Or Hugo would say, “Good morning, Momma,” and Maggie would reply, “So now they're giving badges and guns to children—what is the world coming to?”

But most of the time Hugo and the other guards only leered silently as they pawed through her things, and then Maggie would give her best imitation of a sultry smile and call them heartbreakers before gathering up her belongings and hurrying along the corridor to another set of locked gates and a walkway that led past the prison yard to the office block where she worked and thinking only about practicalities and the logistics of her day.

D
olly could smell whiskey on the doctor's breath when he flicked his fingernail at the lab results for an underweight baby and thrust the folder back at her, saying, “Don't you damn women know enough not to drink?”

Dolly knew he didn't mean her. She knew she was only a convenient ear when the doctor complained about inadequate insurance reimbursements or working conditions at the big city hospital where he spent most of his time or when he told her about a vacation he was planning or about a task force he had been asked to chair. He had been divorced twice from the same woman. He had a daughter in San Francisco and a son in New York. Over the years Dolly had learned many things this way, while the doctor would have been astonished to find out that she came from a family of seven children, all born at home, that her boyfriend was a soldier in Iraq, that many of her clients paid her late or not at all, and that there was an entire consciousness ticking behind her eyes.

But the doctor also worked many cases for free, which was what convinced Dolly that underneath the gruff exterior a heart of gold was beating, trapped there like a caged bird and just waiting for something to free it. Each time she caught his eye over a swollen belly or a wriggling newborn, she thought she saw a window slide open, and sometimes she swore she could see right through the window to where the bird was flapping its wings against the bars and singing. But then he would cow a pair of anxiously waiting newlyweds into silence by barking, “While you've been sitting here reading magazines, I've been saving lives!” and she would go back to thinking he didn't have a heart at all.

Dolly liked the feeling of lives in her hands too, but for her, it wasn't the power she liked, but the mystery of new life springing from the very atoms of the earth, animated by love and the merest puff of grace. She could imagine vast potentials in the tiny curls of the fingers with their even tinier nails. “You can be anything you want to be,” she would whisper to the babies. Even though she knew that half of them would succumb to drugs, abuse, or lives of crime, she had to believe that each little life she brought into the world would be one of the lucky ones, that each word she whispered into its ear would make a difference, that each happy thought would help it beat the odds.

Mostly she only listened as the doctor talked, breathing out “Mm-hmm” or “Oh, my!” when a response seemed called for. Or she just hummed a song inside her head if the doctor waved his hand for silence. So she wasn't quite sure what to think when he sought her out one afternoon and said, “What would you say if I told you they had altered a scientific report? What would you say if I told you the data had been fudged?”

The doctor's eyes were wide and searching, but what Dolly saw in them now was more a mine shaft than a window.

“What report?” she asked him. “Does it have to do with the damaged babies?”

Before the doctor could answer, the second-to-last patient of the day came into the waiting room, drenched from a pelting rain and calling out behind her, “Okay, Frankie. Come back for me in half an hour.”

The woman had suffered a miscarriage and seemed both teary and relieved. After assuring the doctor she was fine, she started sobbing. “It's just that Frankie came back from the war without his feet. Some days it's all I can do to take care of him. What would I do with a baby? And Frankie has trouble sleeping, so then I have trouble sleeping too. Can you give him something to help with that?”

“This is a women's clinic,” said the doctor, but then he relented and took out his prescription pad.

“These pills are for you,” he said. “It's against the law to share them.”

“Oh,” said the woman.

“However, I doubt anyone would find out if you did.”

“And he stopped going to physical therapy. He says there isn't any point.”

“I can't solve everything,” said the doctor, tearing the leaf off the pad and giving it to the woman. “He needs to see his own physician.

“I can't solve everything,” he said again when Dolly put her hand on his arm and said, “You're a good man.” Of course the doctor had hopes and dreams! Of course he had a beating heart!

“Tell me, then. What would a good man do if he knew what I know? Would he make that knowledge public even if it ended his career, or would he close his eyes and continue to help his patients the best he can?”

Dolly was certain the doctor was talking about the report on munitions safety he had mentioned several weeks before. She took a deep breath and asked, “Was it the report on birth defects and munitions safety that was altered?”

The doctor looked startled, as if he hadn't meant to speak his thoughts aloud. “Oh, that,” he said. “Whatever caused the birth defects, it wasn't the munitions. The revised report was absolutely clear on that.”

“The revised report,” said Dolly carefully. “What did the original say?”

But the window was closed now, closed and shuttered. And then the doctor was glancing at his watch and asking about the last patient—wherever had she gotten to? Did she think he had all night? While they waited for her to arrive, he talked pompously about the heroic things he had done, the influential people he knew, the exotic places he had traveled to, the new car he was going to buy. “So I really don't have time to wait,” he said.

“Doctor,” whispered Dolly. “Do you have copies of both reports?”

“Do I have copies?” asked the doctor absently. His eyes had lost focus, and Dolly couldn't tell if he had been drinking again or if he was merely lost in thought.

“Yes, of the two reports.”

The storm was turning the orange clay of the parking lot into an orange pond. The owner of the building had dumped a load of pea gravel in a corner of the lot, but no one had ever come to spread it, so it sat like a miniature mountain near the rusting trash receptacle. Dolly liked to imagine the improvements she would make if she were the owner of the facility: curtains at the windows instead of broken mini blinds, pots of geraniums at the entrance, a fresh coat of paint on the flaking stucco, and in the waiting room, a basket of magazines and comfortable upholstery rather than metal folding chairs like the one the second-to-last patient was sitting on while she waited for someone to pick her up.

“Do you have a ride?” asked Dolly.

“Yes,” said the woman. “We got the truck fitted out with hand controls. Frankie's still getting used to them, so he says I'm not to worry if he's a little late.”

“I guess she's not coming,” Dolly said when fifteen minutes had passed and the last patient had failed to arrive.

The doctor put on his coat. “Who would have thought?” he muttered. “Who in tarnation would have thought?”

“What's done in the dark always comes to the light,” said Dolly.

“Unless it doesn't,” said the doctor.

“What about if we give it a teensy push?”

“No, no. I can't afford to ruffle feathers,” said the doctor. “That would be disastrous.”

“But I can,” said Dolly. “What if I were the one…”

But the doctor was pulling a rain hat over his ears and she couldn't tell if he was listening or not.

After he left, Dolly made her way through the rooms locking cabinets and making sure the bathroom was presentable. She had just finished, all except the lights, when a rusty pickup pulled into the parking lot and honked, the beams of its headlamps illuminating the heavy raindrops and the gravel pile. The woman who had had the miscarriage jumped up and ran out the door, slamming it behind her and holding a paper grocery sack over her head to protect her from the rain. Just when she reached the passenger-side door, the truck lurched forward, causing her to fall to her knees in a puddle.

Dolly opened the door and called out, “Are you all right?”

“It's not Frankie's fault!” the woman called back as she scrambled to her feet. “It's the hand controls! They can be a little bit tricky at first!” The gears ground and caught. Then the truck shuddered backward until it was clear of the puddle, and she opened the door and climbed inside.

T
he A students sat up front, their faces smug with knowledge. After school, they streamed out the doors to the waiting minivans, the waxed and buffed high-riders, the sleek four-doors and rusted rattletraps, taking their secrets with them while Will was left with the mystery: “Were the ghosts in
The Turn of the Screw
real or not? Explain.”

He had a 50 percent chance of getting the first part of the question right, but how could he explain what he did not know? And how did it make sense to ask if something in a made-up story was real, especially when that something couldn't be real in reality. At first he thought it was a trick question, and after hesitating, he had written “No,” comforted that the letters, scratched out in soft pencil, were easily erased—something he quickly did. “Yes,” he then wrote. But “yes” was an answer he couldn't explain, while “no” had years of experience to back it up, not to mention Sunday school instruction if he chose to get into that, a tactic that went over well with most of his teachers, but somehow not with Mr. Quick. Besides, the Y looked shaky, about to topple over on its stick, so he erased “Yes” and replaced it with the more solidly grounded “No,” which he made as bold and as black as graphite and his wavering conviction could make it.