Nuklear Age (30 page)

“Like ‘Nuklear’ and ‘Man’ right?”

“Now you’re getting it!”

“Why not call it something even more annoying, like Pookaboo.”

Nuklear Man emitted a girlish squeal of delight.

__________

Atomik Lad drove, much to the relief of car insurance companies across the globe. Rachel sat in the passenger seat chatting pleasantly with the sidekick while Nuklear Man took up the back seat and played with Fubar and Katkat. Atomik Lad dropped Rachel off at her dorm. It was getting dark and he was the paranoid type so he walked her to the front door. A few fellow students walked in and out of the doors while trying to look like they weren’t looking at them standing there, talking, being happily awkward. Somehow the conversation eventually worked its way to Atomik Lad leaving but not before a quick kiss. The drive home was a blur to him.

The night’s sleep period was a welcomed repose for the young hero-in-training. Besides, he still had school in the morning. Erg. Morning. Mourning. That couldn’t be a coincidence. At least it was Friday, and not just any Friday. He was supposed to get back the essay he’d turned in that Monday for his political science class. The paper was a theoretical exercise wherein each student would design a government. By the time he had finished the assignment, Atomik Lad was convinced that the paper’s true purpose was to show how difficult it is to establish a working government and make the students realize that, massive corruption and abuse aside, they had it rather well.

__________

The patient was sound asleep. The doctor grinned while donning a pair of thick rubber gloves. They’d be necessary for insulating him against the Electromagnatronometer. He held a pair of clamps in each hand. Wires ran down from the handles to a black box adorned with lights and dials and knobs. “Remember,” the doctor said while looming closer to his unconscious patient. “It’s not the volts that kill ya, it’s the amps!”

A figure stood in the doorway, leaning against the frame, arms crossed. “Oh yeah, no good can come of this.”

Nuklear Man dropped the clamps letting loose a flurry of sparks and a loud electric snap. “Sparky, you’ll ruin the experiment! I mean, uh, what’s shakin’?”

“Don’t you remember the tragic results of Project Robohamster?”

“We’ve made leaps and bounds in the field of Electromagnatronometerology in the last two years.”

“Nuke, it’s a car battery and a pair of jumper cables.”

“Er, is not.”

“Mreowr?”

“Good goin’, Sparky. You woke up the patient.”

“Whatever.” Atomik Lad set Katkat on the Danger: Floor. “Look, I’ve got to go to class today. No more crimes against nature while I’m gone, okay?”

Nuklear Man kicked at the titanium floor. It dented slightly.

“Okay?”
Atomik Lad repeated with a more insistent tone.

“Oh fine. I never have any fun.”

__________

Minutes later, the Danger: Main Doors boomed shut behind Atomik Lad as he soared to class. The city was a pristine work of architecture all its own. Well, other than the huge areas that had been demolished or severely damaged by Crushtacean’s rampage the previous day. He couldn’t remember the last time the city looked so ravaged. Entire blocks had been stamped out. Even with Dr. Genius’s Nanobot technology, it’d take a long time to get everything back up and running again.

__________

A devious grin spread across Nuklear Man’s face. “Here, Katkat.”

“Meow?” Katkat walked a circle around Nuklear Man’s legs, rubbing against the Hero while purring.

Nuklear Man scooped up his newfound pet and carried him back into the Danger: Lab. “Don’t worry, Katkat. These modifications will let you battle evil even more efficiently than before!”

His progress was cut short. The Nukebots stood in the doorway to the Danger: Lab. “Heh. The Nukebots think they can stop me.” He set Katkat down, cracked his knuckles, and flared with Plazma. “Okay. Who wants some?”

Seconds later, Nuklear Man was tossed onto the Danger: Couch. He was encased in chains, rope, decorative wrapping paper with a large festive bow, and a note saying “Do Not Open Until X-mas.”

“Lousy Nukebots,” he mumbled through the tight gag. “Curse their metallic bones.”

__________

Atomik Lad touched down on one of the University’s many well-kept lawns. His dangerous Field faded away so he could walk amongst the weak. He casually made his way toward the History Building, his mind afloat with hopes for a good grade on his essay. And Rachel. She had managed a peck on his cheek before heading back to her dorm when he’d dropped her off from the beach party the day before. Maybe he’d just happen by Wayne Hall after class to show off what was certain to be an excellent grade on his essay. Of course, by then it would be about time for lunch, and since they would already be together, it would be silly of them to eat alone. With reasoning like that, how could she possibly resist the invitation? Did it seem too contrived? Naw. A goofy smile crept across his face as he thought about the few moments he got to spend alone with Rachel the day before.
Bikini. Yowza!

As he walked to class in an air of blissful obliviousness, Atomik Lad felt a dull pain shoot across his vision as the world swam and faded around him.

__________

Nuklear Man, having finally figured out that he could simply blast his way out of his Nukebot shackles, sat at the Danger: Kitchen Table with a fresh heaping bowl of Kismet Krunchies. He looked at it lustfully. “Mmm! Fooood.” He delicately put his spoon into the bowl and shoveled out a hearty portion, spilling a few pieces all over the table and, yes, even the floor. He gazed at the spoon longingly. “Beautiful. Just beautiful.”

There was a slight intake of breath by his ankles that was followed by a roaring
“MEOW!”

Nuklear Man shot into the Danger: Roof, embedding himself there upside down somehow. He looked down on the Danger: Kitchen. “Aww, Katkat. Was that you that made the loud noise? Are you hungry?”

“Mreowr,” Katkat answered from the floor. He walked in circles around Nuklear Man’s Danger: Chair.

“Well, I’ll feed you as soon as I get down and finish my cereal.” Nuklear Man uselessly tugged at his limbs.

Katkat hopped in the vacant chair and sniffed at the air with his cute little nose. “Aww, widdle Katkat thinks he’s people sittin’ in a people chair.”

Katkat stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the table, and sniffed.

“Now, now, Katkat,” Nuklear Man said with a hint of worry as he wriggled uselessly. “Keep your hands off the table.”

Katkat leaned toward the cereal bowl “Meow!”

“No, bad Katkat. Incorrect! Negative! Wrong! Wrong behavior!”

Katkat began munching away.

“Ack! Stop! That’s Nukie food! Cut it out! Aw, c’mon, I’m hungry! Don’t make me Plazma Beam your adorable little furry hide which I couldn’t possibly bring myself to Plazma Beam—
curse it!”

__________

Atomik Lad awoke despite his better judgment. It was dark. He had the feeling of being in a vast structure like an opera hall or an empty auditorium. Distant echoes made their way to his ears. He couldn’t tell if the acoustics amplified the tiny noises, or if it was his lack of vision. Or maybe fear. He couldn’t feel anything around his face, so there was no blindfold. He tried to move. He could feel metal clamps around his wrists, ankles, and waist which kept him bound to some kind of slab tilted at about a forty-five degree angle. He listened a while longer. Water dripped occasionally. Creaks, like a building settling, echoed from several corners. Atomik Lad let out an annoyed huff. “Why does the sidekick always have to be captured?” His query bounced back to him a few times before becoming nonsense. He thought about it. “I guess it’s an easy way to lure the hero into the open.” That too echoed back at him over and over into audio oblivion. “This sucks.”

Lights came to life and painfully illuminated Atomik Lad’s prison. Still, he couldn’t see his surroundings since he tightly shut his eyes to avoid the stinging glow.

“Mwahahahahahaha!”

“Gwahahahahahaha!”

Atomik Lad blearily blinked in the lights. He could make out two distinct blurs of shadow standing next to one another in front of him. “Did you just say ‘Mwahaha’ and ‘Gwahaha’?”

He could tell the blurs were human shaped, but they remained shadows. They seemed to look at one another confusedly. One answered, “Well that’s what villains do, right?”

Atomik Lad sighed. “No, you don’t say ‘Mwahaha,’ you laugh maniacally and it sort of sounds like that. There’s a difference.”

“Er?” the other shadow said. “The comics didn’t say anything about that.”

“Oh, this is great. I’ve been kidnapped by two newbie villains,” Atomik Lad muttered. He could make out the room now. It was some sort of basement. Stacks of textbooks, folders, and papers lined the walls. His captors will still little more than shadows though. The only light source was directly behind them and it made looking at them an exercise in torture.

“Hey. We’re not newbies.”

“Yeah, we’ve been researching this all our lives.”

“Sounds like a big waste of time,” Atomik Lad said.

“Grrr, we’ll show you!”

“For the love of...you don’t
say
‘Grrr’ when you’re mad, you growl.”

“Are you sure? Because in the comics they quite clearly say ‘Grrr.’”

Atomik Lad beat the back of his head against the slab he was bound to. “You morons. Of
course
I’m sure. I’ve been doing this for most of my life. Trust me, no one actually says ‘Grrr.’ They growl.”

“I don’t know. It’s not like that in the comic books.”

“Life isn’t a comic book.”

“Quiet, you,” the shadows snapped in tandem.

“Yeah, have some respect. You’re talking to the Terrible Duo of Dr. Calculus and Dr. Grammar!” One of them flipped a switch and more lights poured into the room. It hurt Atomik Lad’s eyes but at least he could see them now. One wore a neon lime green suit that didn’t appear to have any seams, but made up for that loss by having circuitry interlaced throughout it. The other wore ordinary blue jeans, sandals, and a black T-Shirt stating “I Grok Participles” in big white letters across the front. They were both young, pale, and a bit on the scrawny side.

“Doctors, huh?”

They glanced at one another again. “Well, we’re working on it.”

“Yeah, it’s just for effect right now.”

“Ah. You’re not newbie villains after all.”

They grinned proudly.

“You’re newbie
wannabe
villains.”

“Hey, watch it there, Captive Boy.”

“You’re only a sidekick yourself, Captain Hostage.”

Atomik Lad grumbled. “So you mind telling me why you kidnapped me?” he asked. “That’s part of the game, you know. Revealing your master plan to the prisoner.”

“Our plan is quite simple, really.”

“Yes. We will succeed where others have failed!”

“At...?” Atomik Lad asked.

“We plan to kill you and become world famous villains!”

“And then we’ll have enough money to get our Ph.D.s thanks to the Overvillain Scholarship!”

“So you’re doing this for tuition?”

“Yup!” they answered simultaneously.

“Great. Just
great,”
Atomik Lad said. “Is this witless banter you two no doubt call ‘conversation’ part of the assassination attempt, because it’s hurting. A lot.”

“Quiet again!”

“Well, what if Nuklear Man sweeps in and saves the day?” Atomik Lad asked.

“Oh, he won’t have time.”

“Right. We’re going to drop that huge weight on top of you.” They pointed directly above Atomik Lad. He couldn’t quiet identify it, but it was very large and there was definitely the impression that it had more than enough mass to crush a man into a fine paste.

“I think you oughta let me go, give up your evil ways, earn your tuition honestly, and we’ll forget all about this.”

“Why? We’re about to win.”

“Okay, but seriously. I really think you should let me go.”

“You can’t escape. Those clamps are bolted to the table and impossible to break without superstrength and that weight suspended above you weighs nearly a ton. No one could survive it.”

Atomik Lad let out a tired sigh. “You guys aren’t very good at this, I just want you to know that.” His Atomik Field erupted and freed him by destroying the slab he was stuck to.

“Um,” Dr. Calculus said.

“No fair!” Dr. Grammar yelled. “That’s cheating!”

Atomik Lad hovered before them, his Atomik Field looking as dangerous and pissed off as ever. The weight fell on him, wobbled on his twitching field, and slid off with a ground shaking thud behind him. He cracked his knuckles as he floated toward the pair “Yeah, I’m going to enjoy this.”

Seconds later, Atomik Lad was hurled from the basement dungeon into the world above and crashed into a picnic table. Nearby students, being smart college kids, knew a cue to run when they saw one. The earth around him was carved and torn by his lashing Field. He sat up and supported himself with one hand and held his head with the other, “Well, that’s not how it usually goes.”

Doctors Calculus and Grammar climbed out of the hole in the wall they’d made with Atomik Lad when they forcibly ejected him from the Architecture Hall’s foundation.

“Heh, we’re not quite the losers you thought we were,” Dr. Calculus said. His odd green suit glowed slightly.

Atomik Lad stood. “I’ve had just about enough of this.”

Dr. Grammar posed dramatically, as per the comic books, and yelled into the heavens, “‘This’ is a demonstrative adjective with no pronoun or noun to modify, ergo your declarative statement is non sequitur and merely a meaningless jumble of words!” Something like thunder echoed across the countryside as a wave emanated from Dr. Grammar like a rift of space and time.

Atomik Lad, not knowing how else to react, braced himself against the encroaching wave. It passed over him harmlessly. He blinked and was surprised to find out that he had not, in fact, had enough.

Dr. Calculus charged the grammatically baffled Atomik Lad. The villain threw a punch, “Derivative Slam!” An invisible blow struck the Atomik Field and red sparks sputtered from it. Atomik Lad was even more confounded than before. Dr. Calculus just stood there with a pompous grin. A series of invisible impacts suddenly assaulted Atomik Lad over and over. He staggered back and tripped over his own feet with every blow as the endless stream of unseen attacks rained down on him, each one stronger than the last.