Numb (Senses Series Book 3) (7 page)

Chapter 14

Logan

I can’t believe I just fucking said that.

“Kellar.” Erin’s voice is even toned.

I pull my plate back to me.

Maybe if I ignore her—

She slams her wine glass down. “In the car.”

“But I’m eating.”

Outraged, she yanks my plate away and tosses the entire thing in the trash. “And now you’re done. Car. Now.”

Running my fingers through my hair I slam my chair back. With my body slumped I cave to her command.

No point in fighting with her. As pissed as she is, I wouldn’t be surprised if we were going on this car ride for her to kill me and hide my body in the woods. I fucking deserve it. Of all the fucked up things I’ve done and said in my life, that officially tops the list.

My head is hung low while I follow Erin to her car, leaving Luke alone to fester in the disaster that is dinner. This disaster that is pre Fight Night.

When the fuck did my life get so fucking bad? Oh that’s right. The minute I was born. Fucking Kellar curse. And if you didn’t believe in that shit, I bet you do now.

I plop down in Erin’s car, buckle my seat belt, and stare straight ahead at the garage door. For a bit nothing happens. Neither of us moves or says anything.

Is there really anything to say at this point? I’ve got my foot so far down my throat right now I should shit shoe laces.

Suddenly, a very loud, “FUCK!” comes out of Erin’s mouth.

I shut my eyes. “I know.”

“How the fuck could you say that to her?”

“I don’t know.”

“What the hell do you mean you don’t know?!”

“I mean, I don’t know!” I scream back squeezing my eyes tight as the argument replays in my head. “One minute I was ready to fucking explain everything to her, and the next I was so goddamn irate that she really believed I would treat her like a random piece of ass! That’s not fucking fair, Erin! I didn’t deserve that!”

“And she did?” Her voice drops.

My eyes don’t budge open. “I was wrong for what I said.”

“You were so beyond wrong.” She finally backs out of the driveway. “You were so far passed the line of wrong that you need a fucking passport to return to it!”

Don’t laugh. It’s not funny.

“It’s over isn’t it?” The words fall out of me leaving a clear hollow feeling behind.

When Erin doesn’t respond I finally lift my eyelids. “All of it. It’s over.” Silence nestles between us. I do my best to steady my breathing, but it’s hard. It’s unstable. Every time my chest contracts it feels like it’s gonna cave in.

Which is fine really. There’s nothing left in there anyway. The
one
thing that gave me life I just fucking threw away because why? My feelings were hurt? When did I turn into such a fucking pussy? And how the hell am I supposed to teach the Kid to be a man about his shit when I can’t even step up to my own?

“Remember the first time we went on our drive?” Erin asks, her voice more mellow than I’ve ever heard it.

And yet I recognize that tone. It’s the one we use when we know life is fucked up beyond all repair. When we know there’s no turning back. When we know there’s nothing left behind for us to turn back to.

“It was about a week after your parents died. Maxx had barely seen you. Luke hadn’t seen you at all. Practically no one could  find you, like you were some sort of depressed Waldo. But I did. And I told you to get your ass in the car we were going for a drive.”

The memory fades back to me while I watch the cars pass the setting sun. “Yeah. And you told me I didn’t have to talk to you. I didn’t have to listen to you. All I had to do was get in.”

Erin takes a left turn down a neighborhood road. “Same story today, Kellar. You don’t have to talk. You don’t have to listen. You just have to ride…”

Music invades the vehicle and I close my eyes again.

When I was little, four or five, sometimes after she got a lashing from the old man, my mom would put me in the car once he passed out and take me for a drive. It was never long or far because she didn’t want him to know she’d been driving, not to mention that if he had hit in her in the face chances were she couldn’t see…but she would put me in the car and the calmness of the atmosphere would put me right to sleep. I’d always felt safe. Protected. Like the rest of the world couldn’t harm me in those minor moments. That’s the story I told Erin that night. She’s the only person who knows. Well, and now you.

Chapter 15

Maxx

Tony hands me another Oreo as he sits on the couch. His arm gently nudges me to lay my head down on his leg while I stay curled in the fetal ball I have rolled myself into. Somehow between sniffling and crying I have managed to devour almost an entire package of Oreos and half a gallon of milk.

I just got fucking dumped! I can eat like a cow! Stop judging me! Whoa. Sorry. I shouldn’t have yelled at you. After all, it’s not your fault I crawled into bed and opened my legs for the first time in four years just to be a notch someone’s bedpost, right? Ugh. Asshole!

“I don’t get it,” Tony sighs, leaning his face on his hand while looking down at me. “Maxx, I don’t get it. You could have any guy in the entire world and you chose that one. Please, I’m asking you, for the love of God, explain that to me.”

I take a hard bite of the cookie.

“He’s made you mad. He’s made you sad. He’s made you laugh. He’s made you cry. He’s supposed to be your boyfriend, Maxx, not a Greek tragedy. And yeah, relationships are gonna have their ups and down, but you’re not in a relationship are you? You haven’t made it that far.”

Are you also wondering just how long he’s been holding this lecture in?

“So tell me just this once, Maxx. Why him? Is it the whole bad boy with tattoos thing or what?”

“I loved him before he got the damn thing.”

Tony smiles at the fact that he got me to open up.

Wiping away the tears from my cheeks, I let out an exasperated breath. The aching in my chest is not even remotely subsiding.

You’re probably wondering too, aren’t you? I mean, yeah, I’m sure some of it’s obvious by now, but you need to hear this story too.

“This isn’t the first time I’ve tried to go down this road with Logan.”

“No?”

“The first time I kinda just blurted it out after school one day when he was walking me home. He walked me home every day that I didn’t have a ride. It just kinda came out, and after I told him, I asked if he wanted to give the two of us a chance. I knew it was a long shot. Even then Logan was sleeping with half the student body on a whim, I figured maybe he’d be different for me. I told him maybe we could give it a little experiment the next day on our fieldtrip. I think we were going to see sharks or something…Anyway, he said to give him some time to think about it and that’d he swing by later that night.”

“Never showed?”

“It was the night his parents died.”

Tony’s eyebrows dart down. “Shit…”

“Obviously I let the subject go for awhile, but one night while he was lying in my bed, I leaned over to kiss him. At first he leaned back, but then as if someone had jerked him back by his shirt, he moved and told me no. He said he didn’t wanna lose the only person he had left.” When Tony doesn’t say anything I shut my eyes. “He said, if something went wrong, losing me would be like losing the only part of himself that mattered.”

His finger slowly strokes my arm in a comforting way.

“As much as I’m a part of him, he’s a piece of me. I chose him because without him there’s this giant abyss that I’m afraid of slipping into, a place I could never climb out of. Because within that abyss is the realization that my father will never walk me down the aisle. That my mother loves credit cards more than she loves me. That I never had a remotely normal childhood. Because in that abyss is the fact that, until recently, I was barely making it on my own financially. That no one has ever fallen in love with me. And that there’s a great chance no one ever will. Because I don’t deserve it. Because I’m damaged in seventy-six thousand different ways. I chose Logan because without him my life will be sucked into that black hole. Because without him my life becomes numb. And I don’t mean that in some sort of melodramatic, woe is me, be my Prince Charming kind of bullshit way, Tony. I mean it in a way that there’s something enigmatic inside of me that only ticks for him. And without him, even if it is just as a friend, every sense in my body is dulled. Do. You. Get. It. Now?”

“Yeah,” he whispers. “I do…”

Curling up tighter into a ball I let the tears that had stopped for a moment return.

I hope you get it too. Because I have nothing left to say.

Chapter 16

Logan

Do not put a hole in the wall, Kellar. Do not put a hole in the wall.

My fingers wiggle underneath my head as I lie in bed staring at the space right next to my door.

It’s fucking perfect for punching a hole through. Sure it would give my room an unnecessary window to the hallway, but at least I’d feel better momentarily. Isn’t that what matters? Ha. Isn’t that what got me into this fucked up situation in the first place? Looking for moments? Fuck.

Closing my eyes, I do my best not to picture the horrified look on Maxx’s face. The way her jaw was glued to the floor. Her eyes widened in anger. Her body shaking like a wet chihuahua after a long soak in the rain.

Ever seen those things shake? It’s unreal.

One of my hands goes to scrub my face. It runs across the faint stubble I have to shave before I step into the ring tomorrow.

You know, it’s gonna be the first time that I step in and Maxx isn’t there to see me? It’ll also be the first time she’s not the Ring Side Girl anymore. How is that in just a couple of months we went from a perfectly well balanced, albeit not normal, friendship, to no longer speaking to one another? I never thought I’d say this…but I think sex ruined my life. Could you just cut my tongue out after you chop up my man card for that statement?

The sound of my cell phone vibrating across the dresser forces my arm to reach for it. I check the caller ID seeing an unknown number. I’m tempted to hit the ignore button, but can’t remember if it’s Liz’s work phone or not.

“Yeah,” I answer.

“You don’t even say hello when you pick up the phone?” The voice on the other end is one I’m not expecting.

“How the fuck did you get my number?”

Tony sneers, “Believe it or not, the password to get into Maxx’s phone could only be one of two things.”

Of course she’s with him. Mr. Right. Mr. Shoulder to Lean On. Mr. Perfect. I’ve never wanted to pound him into the ground so hard before in my life. And I know what you’re thinking, I always say that, but this time I really fucking mean it. Beating him to a bloody shit would take the slight edge off the fact that the girl of my dreams walked out of my life and into his on a silver platter.

“What do you want? To gloat? To further tempt me to knock your teeth in?”

“To give you one last chance to do right by Maxx.” Like a dog whistle, my body shoots up on alert. “Glad you’re listening now. I want you to come over in the morning and talk to her. I’m gonna text you my address and you better be here by 7:30, because at 7:31, Kellar, this offer for my help expires.”

Cockily I say, “What the fuck makes you think I need your help?”

Shit. I shouldn’t have said that. Wrong thing to say. Wrong thing to say!

“Because I’m not the one who’s about to lose the love of his life.” Tony waits a beat and then says, “7:30.”

Before I have a chance to respond, the line goes dead and a text comes through with an address.

Do you really think I still have a shot? Or is it too late?

Chapter 17

Logan

Pacing outside of Tony’s apartment I try to calm myself down. The combination of not sleeping, an energy drink, and the possibility that maybe this isn’t over with Maxx are swimming rapidly through my veins.

It’s like having the makings of an Atomic Bomb weaving around in your system. You just sit on edge waiting to fucking blow.

I stare at his white apartment door willing the fucking thing to open.

He said 7:30. I’m here early. What the fuck is the goddamn hold up? You wanna know too, don’t you? You’re the one who likes this guy! Call him! Text him! Do something! This wait is—

His front door opens and he slides out shutting it behind him.

Remind me to be nice to this guy for Maxx’s sake.

Tony takes a couple steps and folds his arms across his chest as if he’s guarding the entrance to the pearly gates.

At this point, to me, he is.

“You showed.”

“I did.” Clearing my throat nervously after a moment of silence, I slide my hands into my pockets. “She still here?”

“She is.” More awkward silence.

This is fucking worse than when I met the Kid.

“She’s asleep,” Tony speaks again.

All of a sudden it feels like my entire body is being dipped in flames. “In your fucking bed?”

“On my couch.” The clarification calms my heart and the heat coursing through my system. “Let me make this clear for you, Kellar. Maxx is my
friend
. That’s it. Once upon a time I had feelings for her, but that stopped the minute I saw how she really felt about you. And the only reason you’re on my front porch right now is because
you
are the only thing in the entire world that can stop the pain she’s in. I’m not doing this for you. Honestly? I don’t really fucking like you. But Maxx is in love with you, and I’d do anything for that girl. So I’m gonna wake her up and bring her out here for you to talk to, but a little friendly advice?”

I tilt my head. “What’s that?”

“Don’t fuck it up.”

“Which part of that was friendly?”

“The part where I didn’t put
my fist
through
your face
.” The words linger between us briefly before he steps inside.

I don’t know whether to be impressed or grateful. Either way, he’s bringing me Maxx and he’s right. I can’t fuck this up. This. Is. It.

Anxiously, I watch the door open. Tony strolls out first, then Maxx, who’s wrapped in the same clothes she was wearing yesterday only now her hair is pulled into a messy bun on the top of her head. She looks beautiful. So goddamn beautiful.

Tony ushers a hand in my direction. I take a step closer, which is when she flinches back towards the door. “How the hell did you find me?”

“I called him.” Tony’s admission paints bewilderment on her face.

I’ve gotten that look as the friend before. She usually threatens to knee you in the nuts after.

“You what?”

“I called him.” He stays strong in his conviction as he says, “I did the right thing. You’re miserable without him. And I hate that. More than I hate him. So I called him and gave him the option to come over and fix this disaster that has unfolded between you. But…look at me, Maxx.”

His commanding her plants a small seed of jealousy.
Dial it back, Kellar. Now is not the time. You can dominate her all you want after you fix this. You will fix this.

“If you are really done with him, I mean 110 percent certain that it’s over, then I’ll respect that. Turn around and walk into my apartment whenever you’re ready. But if you’re not…stop lingering in this miscommunication limbo and work it out…” Turning to me his says, “You’re only shot, Kellar.”

Tony walks back inside leaving Maxx and me alone on his front door step. She wraps her arms around her stomach like she does when she’s frightened, and I see for the first time just how much devastation I’ve caused.

Can it be undone? Should I even waste my breath to try? You’re right. Of course I should.

“What do you want, Kellar?”

“Don’t call me that,” I mumble in a voice that’s barely my own. “You. Never. Call. Me. That.”

Her eyes look down at the ground.

“You can call me sweetheart. You can call me baby. YOU can call me Logan,” I reiterate.

Thankfully her eyes pull back up to mine. “Why are you here?”

“For you. For us. Why else?”

“You made it chandelier clear yesterday that whatever was between us wasn’t anything more than a romp in the sack.”

“I was lying, Maxx.”

“Oh yeah?” She grips her own body tighter. “How do I know you were lying then and you aren’t lying now?”

“Trust me?”

“Trust you?” The mocking in her tone is deserved but hurts regardless. “You want me to trust the bullshit that comes out of your mouth when you lie to me every chance you get?”

“I haven’t lied to you yet!”

“Oh, so I was just another mark on the scoreboard?”

“I lied then!” The irritation starting to build all over again. “But that’s it. That’s the only time I lied to you, Maxx.”

“Yeah right.”

I point a finger at her. “That’s the problem! You’re always assuming something about me!”

“I know you, Logan!” she shouts back. “I know you better than you know your fucking self! You only eat gummy bears in the winter because that’s when bears hibernate. You only buy white socks because you’re too damn lazy to separate them come laundry day. You hate watching chick flicks, but you cried at The Fault in Our Stars.”

Blow me. That was a really sad movie.

“I’ve known you better than anyone else since the first night you told me your old man put a welt on the back of your neck the size of a quarter. So yeah, Logan, I can safely assume some shit.”

With a deep sigh I shake my head. “But you were wrong. I wasn’t out fucking around. I wasn’t out looking for my next quick score. For once in my life, I was trying to do the right thing, Maxx! And I wanna do the right thing with you! Tell me! Tell me how do I make this better? How do I make this right?”

Caught off guard she stutters, “I-I-I-I don’t know!”

Uncomfortably I ask, “You don’t know? What do you mean you don’t know? Are you trying to tell me this can’t be fixed?”

“I didn’t say that—”

“Then what
are
you saying?”

“I don’t know what to say! God, this is so much easier in books!”

“Is that what you want? You want me to say something cheesy and corny like they do in those stupid books you read?”

Having returned from sad to pissed off she stomps her foot at me. “Yes!”

“Fine!” My body moves forward backing hers against the door. Looking down into her eyes I confess, “Maxx…you are my entire life. My first thought in the morning is you. It doesn’t matter if I’m alone or have some chick in my bed, my day begins and ends with you. It always has, and hell it probably always will. I live my entire life for you. I breathe for you, Maxx. I take another breath so that you never have to go a day without me. So that I can protect you. So that I can make you smile. So that you never have to live this life alone. I couldn’t give a fuck what happens to me. I could die tomorrow and the only reason I would object would be because then you wouldn’t have me. Because you wouldn’t have me to hold you through thunderstorms. Because you wouldn’t have me to run my fingers through your hair when the memories of your dad come back out of the blue and become too much. Because you wouldn’t have me to make sure that nothing bad breaks you. I live and breathe for
you
, Maxx.”

Her bottom lip wobbles and my shoulders relax.

“Now, if you decide that this really is over then I understand. But hear me when I say that no matter what you decide, I will not stop chasing you. I will chase you until I’m pushing a walker and some bitter college student has to change my diaper. I will start a brawl in the nursing home if it means one more moment to breathe for you.”

Don’t think I won’t kick some geriatric ass at 75.

Pushing a fallen strand behind her ear I sincerely say, “Forgive me, Maxx. I mean really forgive me. Not just for fucking this up but for wasting so much time not being with you when you’re all I’ve ever wanted. For turning you away when I should’ve just said yes. Forgive me for everything, baby. I need you…”

“I need you too,” she croaks and pushes her lips drastically against mine.

Fuck yes!

With a soft groan I push her into the door and let her tongue part my lips, coming to mine that’s ready to beg forgiveness all over again. Her hands tangle in my hair, pulling  me further into her, to the one place I know I fucking belong.

Please tell me you’re as fucking happy as I am right now. You never doubted me did you? You knew I could pull this shit off. Thanks for the faith in me. Appreciate it. Now back to that kiss…