Ode to the Queen (14 page)

“You said we might never be together… Is it because of Charlotte?” I opened my eyes slightly, wanting to see his facial reaction as he thought about it. He seemed lost in thought for a moment before he opened his mouth to say something.

“I hate her. She’s such a bitch.” I interrupted, hoping my opinion counted for something.

Aidan laughed and nodded, “I know.”

“She’s so self-absorbed… and conniving…” I frowned, thinking about what she’d done with Hunter to turn everyone against me. “She made those things up about me, you know… She tricked me, I thought I was using Hunter to make you jealous.”

“Make me jealous?” He smirked at me.

I ignored him and continued, “but she’d set it up to have Hunter come back to my place. No doubt he knew that if he opened that door we’d see you. Maybe I guess she hoped I’d put out because I was angry with you… But I didn’t. I don’t need to play her games to win.”

“No, you don’t.” He said simply and my eyes opened again to see him.

“But at the same time I know I can’t compete with her.” I said with acceptance. “I can’t compete with anyone here.”

He frowned and shook his head, “you’re a lot purer than those other girls Savannah.” I frowned, confused by what he meant because I certainly wasn’t virginal. “You… I don’t know how to say it. You try very hard to be like that but that part of you, that pure part, won’t compromise who you are, just to play petty games.” That wasn’t totally true.

I knew that my jealousy, and that of Hera’s, had and would continue to lead us to make poor decisions in order to spawn jealousy in him and Zeus. That wasn’t as pure as he made me sound, I had moments that were sheer lapses in judgment that I certainly wasn’t proud of.

“I guess what I’m trying to say is that you’re not as conniving as they can be. I like that you’re very… Honest, I guess. You are what you are, take it or leave it.” I smiled softly at him as he finally broke his gaze of concentration and looked down at me; almost surprised I was there, despite our conversation.

“So then, why are you dating Charlotte?” If he despised girls like her, couldn’t stand their games and what have you, then why was he associating with their Queen Bee?

“What? We’re not dating… Who said that?”

“You’re not?” Relief washed over me although I knew that hooking up with her was pretty bad.

“No… I wanted to prove to myself that even supposed high and mighty ‘virgin’ Goddesses could fall for my charm.” I should have expected a response like that from him, but frankly it caught me off guard.

Here he was telling me how he didn’t like the way Charlotte and the other girls played games but wasn’t that a game of his own? Not to mention admitting something like that was slimy. I wanted to slap him across the face for women across the globe and yet, I felt kind of justified in knowing that this could be used as ammunition against Charlotte if I ever needed it. And I knew I would soon.

“Well, you better let her know you’re not together since she and everyone else thinks you are. I just mean you have been acting like you’re her boyfriend.” I raised my eyebrows to him before grinning mischievously and leaning back into the pillows.

It was a reluctant gesture as it forced me to release his hand but sleep was trying to pull me under once again.

“What is that look for?” He asked, shoving his hands into the pocket of his jeans as he towered over me.

“Nothing, just thinking if you don’t want to tell her, I can.” He frowned and shook his head,

“Now now Queenie… I thought this was supposed to be a second chance.”

“It’s one thing to make up lies about someone like she did, and a completely different thing to tell them the truth.”

I put my hand on my chest, “as her friend it is the right thing to do.”

He rolled his eyes at me before shrugging, “do what you want then. It makes no difference to me.” He was quiet for a moment, like he was considering saying something else before finally speaking: “You all good then? Can I go without worrying you’ll die in your own puke tonight?”

“You’re going to worry about me?”

He scowled, “no but I don’t need to be charged with Goddesscide just because I left your drunk ass alone for the night.”

I enjoyed the fact that I had bothered him. I liked that I could make him scowl like that in almost a playful resentment. Or at least I imagined it was playful.

“You care about me, you worry about me!” I chanted in a singsong voice, teasing him while I had the chance.

He leaned down scowling more, “no I don’t!” He said firmly, reaching for the pillow behind my head and pulling it out from under me. He swung it, hitting me with it in a controlled way I knew was meant as playful.

“Hey.” I sat up, grabbing the pillow and tugged it from his hands. His body bent toward me, holding onto the pillow and for a moment we froze in time, faces hovering near one another as we stared at each other.

I wanted to kiss him but we were both so aware of the friction between us, aware of what might happen to our Gods if we let them awaken in that way. But in that moment it was just us and no one else. Not even Zeus and Hera.

I knew then what I was feeling wasn’t just because of her and how she felt towards Aidan’s God but there was a part of me that was attracted to Aidan. Maybe it was because I knew of his flaws, maybe because he didn’t hide them from me but sometimes laid them out in a very naked and honest way.

Knowing what I did about him I probably should’ve run screaming because he was the kind of man I’d told myself I wouldn’t get involved with again and yet there was something different about him. It was a naïve glimmer of hope that I could change him.

I don’t know who moved away first but we were separated again and a silence hung between us that screamed for something. Swallowing hard I took a deep breath and spoke the very first thing on my mind.

“I’m not doing very well with this embracing my inner Goddess thing.” Aidan nodded but didn’t say anything so I continued: “I’m so confused all the time, is it my emotions or hers? Or, worse, is it both? Is she just magnifying what I’m feeling with her already heightened emotions? I have these moments of absolute clarity and then the next I’m blinded with jealousy or rage. I can’t control it and I feel bipolar. I’m so up and down all the time… Is this apart of the experience or is it just me?”

For a long time he just stood there, hands tucked in his pockets and thinking. Once in a while he would look at me and then look away. I thought maybe he was just going to turn away and leave.

Outside the clear sky had turned dark and clouds brought a slow rumble with them, signalling the start of a storm. My eyes shifted to the window, watching the sheet lightning spread across the sky before retreating into darkness once more. The storm mesmerised me and after his pregnant consideration he turned, walking out of my bedroom and away for good I imagined.

I regretted asking him the question, even if he could’ve chosen to avoid it without leaving me so suddenly. But then he surprised me, returning to the room this time accompanied by a drink he’d helped himself to.

He turned to the window, watching the storm get closer and more dangerous. I realised then he was controlling it. His emotions were reflected in the rolling thunder and the bleakness of the clouds. I was amazed at his power, jealous that I didn’t have the ability to do something like that. As a Goddess of women, marriage and childbirth, I didn’t have cool storm powers, instead I just threw people spontaneously across the room.

He sipped from the drink before second-guessing himself and throwing it back in one go. His other hand lifted up and he poured another glass, taking that back in one gulp as well before repeating the process.

I watched him for a few seconds before I couldn’t stand it anymore and I sat up, reaching out to him and turning him toward me.

“Stop that.” I said finally, not having expected my questions to induce such a reaction from him.

“Do you really care?” He asked, making to throw the next drink back. I let him, but reached instead for the bottle, almost finished at this point, and pried it from his hands.

“Do you want the long or short answer?” I balanced the bottle beside me on the bed and he watched my every move, the room illuminated occasionally by the lightning outside.

“In this case, shorter is better.” He reached out and I expected for him to go for the bottle but his hand fell to the soft curve of my back and rested there. “Finish that or give it back Blondie.” I tilted forward from the pressure of his hand, frowning slightly as I stared up at him almost defiantly.

“Then I do care.” I lifted the bottle, intent on proving how much I cared and chugged the rest of the contents in one breath. It burned and I choked slightly, my lungs screaming for air as I desperately tried to finish it off. When I finally did I coughed, shaking my head as it spun slightly.

After recovering I grinned proudly and held the empty bottle out to him as a trophy.

His fingers curled slightly against my skin, his eyebrow arched as he watched me before he shook his head. His free hand relieved me of the empty bottle.

“Touché.” His fingers slid up my spine slowly, sending tingles through my nerves and I repressed the urge to shiver at his touch, no matter how electric it was. “I don’t want this responsibility: to be King; to be Zeus. I hate feeling him inside of me trying to gain control. I’ve always been a little selfish, but he… he only thinks about himself and what he wants. He’s only growing stronger with every mistake I make and the further I get from being Aidan Cartwright.” His hand had crawled up my spine and dropped back down again, deliberately falling on my ass and staying there.

I licked my lips, staring up at him and trying to blink away the drunken haze that threatened me while focusing on his words. I knew they were important, I knew they would mean something later but it was so hard.

“So, yeah… I guess this conflict comes with the territory. We want to stay ourselves but they want so desperately to be free. And I don’t think there’s a middle ground without one of us being completely submissive to the other.” His hand dropped away completely and immediately I wanted it back, I wanted it’s warmth and it’s presence.

“No. That can’t be it.” I managed slowly, “You’re still Aidan, but I’ve seen how you command the room like Zeus. You just need to accept some parts of him are you as well. Let him in enough to keep him happy but not enough to lose yourself. I, we, don’t like- tolerate you because of him but because of you.” I suppose my advice could be said for me as well, but I didn’t want to admit I was a naturally jealous person. Maybe in that way Aidan didn’t want to admit he was a bit of a scumbag… Or maybe he wanted to change that but was afraid that embracing Zeus would only magnify it.

“But what if I’m not strong enough? What if the more I accept this, letting him in little by little, thinking that I’m in control of him when really he’s just waiting to take over?” His eyes bore into me with such strength I could see the fear and worry in his eye. He was laying his soul bare to me and made him more naked than I ever imagined he was capable of.

I shook my head though, frowning, “that’s impossible. You’re the strongest man I’ve ever known. And I don’t think they want full control, they just want to be noticed and we’ve all spent a lot of time ignoring them… We wouldn’t be their vessels if there wasn’t a good reason for it.”

The words flowed so effortlessly from me, for a moment I had to wonder if they were mine or if they were the words of a wife reassuring her husband. Whatever it was, I reached up and cupped his face, drawing it to look down on me. “Embrace him and you’ll work together, enhancing each other’s strengths and working on your weaknesses.”

We both stayed like that for a moment before he finally whispered my name softly. It was the sweetest sound I’d heard, sending shivers down my spine. He’d never actually called me that before, insisting only on ‘Queenie’ or his recent favourite ‘Blondie’. But there was something about the way that he said my name that made it different from all the millions of other times I’d heard it. It was like it was the first time ever and the power of that idea held me for a moment.

His hand reached out tentatively, his fingers brushing along the inner skin of my wrist before dropping away, “you don’t know what he’s like. But she does… you said it yourself; it’s not me that you hate. It’s him.”

His fingers brushed along my hand once more and I found myself glancing down at them, wondering where this newfound sensitivity had come from. I liked it, no matter how bizarre it seemed.

I laughed though, despite myself, “hey now. I didn’t say I liked you… I only tolerate you.” I grinned slightly at him, the hands on his cheeks moving up and around his neck drawing him in closer. “I can tell you, he’s not as bad as you think. You just think he’s bad because as far as you’ve experienced him he is. Remember, you’ve only ever let him show up when he gets to the brink.”

He stared at me for a long moment, considering this before touching my wrist again and looking down at it almost mesmerised.

“The way he thinks… It’s terrifying. I’ve never known anger like that before or such passion. Although I think I’m beginning to understand the latter.” My heart pounded in my chest, as he got closer to me.

I knew this was so wrong on so many levels but I wanted him so badly for reasons I couldn’t explain to myself, let alone anyone else. I licked my lips, stalling for a moment while I thought of what to say next.

“Anger is just passion reversed… release the latter and you deflect the former.” The moment the words left my lips a part of me regretted them. I didn’t want that from him, I wanted something more substantial and lasting and yet… The way he was looking at me, it was different than any other time that he did.

This time it wasn’t as though it were a hungry lion looking at the gazelle but the way a man who desired something he knew he shouldn’t have. And he was right, neither of us were stable enough for us to give into that and be able to control the outcome.

Neither of us even knew what the outcome would be.