Off Her Rockers (Loving All Wrong #3.5) (21 page)

“And what do you think now that you’re getting therapy?”

I scratched behind my ear. “Well, my therapist has been trying to convince me I’m not a bad person. She thinks I just need to start being more mindful of people’s feelings. That I need to start expressing how I feel more often because sometimes people just want to hear the words. I’m just different, she said, not
wrong
. I’m the kind of person who will
love
your shoes, but don’t compliment you on them. Not because I don’t compliment them doesn’t mean I hate them.”

She smiled. “True, I’m one of those people who want to hear the words. You have no idea what it means to me to hear out loud that you value me, but even if you never said those words to me, I would never, ever tell you you’re a bad person. You’re just different, as your therapist says. Sometimes when people come across ‘different’ they usually don’t know what to make of it.

“But, Ally, those who genuinely want to know you will first put in the effort to understand you. Once they understand you they’ll fall in love with you like I have. Because I think you’re pretty awesome. So does Danni. So does Jess—she told me so. So does all of Ninety Miles and Ice Steam. They all respect you
because
you are different.
Because
you aren’t ordinary.
Because
you aren’t ‘fixed’. So you don’t need to change. You’re good the way you are. I’m sorry for ever pressuring you. It’s my fault for trying to know you first before trying to understand you.”

“Are you girls gonna make out or what? Kiss! Squeeze a tit! Kiss! Rub clits!”

At the sound of the same male voice that commented earlier, I sat up in the grass, using the heel of my hands to clear my stupid tears.

I was right. The voice belonged to Jake. He was looming above us, beer in hand with a salacious grin on his face.

“Jake, this is a
two
-year-old’s birthday party. Go sport your boner somewhere else.”

His face fell. “Wait, so you’re not gonna make out and get naked and roll around in the oil and stuff?”

Oh, Christ
. I shot him a glare and he threw a hand up in disappointment. “Man, this blows. Might as well go watch Ninety Miles Unplugged.”

Sweeping my gaze around the yard, I noticed Jessica was missing, as well as Davian.

Most of the crowd had wandered over to the bar and grill area that had a massive 80-inch flat screen mounted. All swigging beers with eyes glued to the television screen, heads bobbing. Going by the unmistakable gravelly voice and stellar notes of a certain lead singer—
loathed
lead singer—I could tell they were watching Ninety Miles Unplugged.

“I’m gonna watch it, too,” Xena said, nudging me. “C’mon. Xavi actually stayed sober for this one because the whole world will be watching.”

Nope. Nope. Not watching.
“Go ahead and I’ll catch up. I’ve just got to clean up my mascara.”

We stood and dusted the grass off our clothes. Xena headed for the bar and I headed for the house.

I didn’t know how to break it to her that I had no intention of going back to Xavier. As much as I loved him, I think my life in L.A. was too much of a mess and I needed a clean slate.

Maybe that’s what Chad was trying to tell me when he paid me a visit, but I’d been too stubborn to listen.

Over the last few weeks, I’d been contemplating moving back to San Francisco and re-enrolling in college. Starting fresh. Dating someone who wasn’t famous and wasn’t seven or eight years older than me. Act my age for once. Leave all the drama behind and be with my family. I hadn’t discussed this plan with Davian as yet, but I knew he wouldn’t have a problem with it.

On my way to the powder room, mumblings of Jessica and Davian traveling from the kitchen had me stopping short.

“…in love with her.”

“I
know
that. I’ve always known that and we made it work. We made it work until you made her
use
you. She wanted to prove a point and you gave her that power. What other proof do you need to get she doesn’t love you like I do? That she’s never going choose you? Forgive me and I’ll forgive you. ”

Nothing came from Davian for a stretching moment, and then, “You’re a good woman, Jess. Any guy will be lucky to have you, but you deserve someone who’ll love you like I love her. I
do
love and miss you sometimes, but if I get back with you, and in the future she decides she does want me and asks me to leave you, I
will
leave you, Jess. Because I’ll never stop wanting her.”

“I don’t care.”

“Why would you want to settle for that?”

“Because
I’m in love with you
!”—I could hear the tears in her voice now—“Don’t you get it? I
don’t care
that I’ll have to share your heart with her. I want you. In any capacity I can have you. Half or a quarter of you…Davi,
I don’t care
. I’ve tried a million ways to imagine my life without you and I just can’t. Every picture has you in it. Davi, I can’t function without you. Tell me you’ll come back.
Please
.”

I backed off before Davian responded. I didn’t want to hear it. I had no right to be jealous, so why was I? So what if Jessica and Davian got back together. Did it matter?

Barring her sexual proclivities, Jessica was undeniably a good woman—even I had to admit that. I had no doubt she would be a good influence in Jacob’s life, but not because I was fighting Davian’s advances did it mean I no longer loved or was attracted to him.

Davian would always be my first
everything
, I would always love him, and, therefore, I would always be jealous of him. It was human nature.

In the powder room, I cleaned up the mascara mess around my eyes and gazed at myself in the mirror. There were times when I would look at myself in the mirror and it would feel as though I hadn’t seen
me
in a long, long time. There were times when I looked new and different. There were times when my own beauty surprised me. There were times, like now, when I couldn’t see a reflection. Saw nothing but emptiness. A blank space. Couldn’t tell what I looked like, who I resembled. Because on the other side of the mirror, there was no one.

It was terrifying.

I bumped into Davian on my way out, Jacob fast asleep on his shoulder.

Reaching out with his free hand, he cupped my neck tenderly, solicitously. “Feeling better?”

He was referring to my “not feeling so well” mood.

“A little. The headache’s gone, at least.”

“You want me to wrap up the party so you can get some rest?” he asked. “Jacob’s wiped already anyway, so it’s no big deal.”

“No, no, you don’t have to do that,” I assured him. “It’s your first time having anyone over since you bought the house, so just go ahead and make it a house-warming party, too. I can take Jacob to his room.”

As I pried Jacob from him, he eyed me closely. “And you’re sure you’re okay?”

I forced an eye-roll. “I’m fine, rock star. Go on. Have fun. Drink a beer. You’ve been Mr. Attentive Dad all week.”

I spun and beelined for the stairs before he could question me further. Davian knew me. Well enough to be able to tell when something was up with me, and when I was lying about it. He knew I wasn’t okay, but I was positive he wouldn’t want to know
why
.

I tried to clean up our birthday boy as best as I could without waking him. His face was a sticky mess of chocolate ice cream and something…orange? No idea what that was.

Once he was all-clean, I set him down in his crib, kissed his pudgy little fingers, and took a seat in the armchair next to the crib. I didn’t feel like going back downstairs, wishing I could just climb into Jacob’s crib with him and pull his blanket over my head.

Clamor and cheers snuck in through the windows from downstairs. Afraid the noise would wake Jacob, I got up and went to shut the window. As the window overlooked the backyard, I could see the happenings below. Everyone had gathered at the bar now, watching the flat screen.

The majority of the guests downstairs were in Ninety Miles’ circle, yet a party just couldn’t go on while an unplugged Ninety Miles show was airing live worldwide. Ninety Miles was that powerful.

Didn’t matter if you hated or loved that band, when they played, even God stopped running the world to watch.

Stomping down my stubborn will, I padded back to the armchair and picked up the remote. Powered on the television and scanned for the channel they were on.

Tex was sitting on a stool, crooning the acoustic version to one of their old hits. A soulful expression on his face, eyes squeezed shut, intense veins bulging from his neck, long, jet-back hair hanging down the sides of his face. Rock star extraordinaire; that was Tex Laklin.

Xavier was on the left of Tex, also on a stool with his legs thrown out in front of him, head hung down as his skillful fingers nonchalantly worked their magic.

He was wearing a white T-shirt with bold blue text that read “
I WOULD CUDDLE YOU SO HARD
”.

I stifled a smile, unsure of what to make of that shirt. It just wasn’t something Xavier would wear. Jake? Definitely. But Xavier? Nah.

For a good chunk of time, I sat relishing their performance, sometimes singing along. Even went to get a glass of orange juice and hurried back. Completely enraptured.

Just as the band was wrapping up with an upbeat song, Xavier tapped his mike and muttered something into it, drawing quizzical looks from the other band members.

“Before…before we close out, I’d like…I’d like to, ah…”

With a thunderous expression, Tex pushed up from his stool and began moving over to Xavier.

“Wait, shout out to ah…shit, what’s their name again?” Covering the mike with his palm, Xavier twisted to look at Leo, positioned farther behind him, and asked him something. Leo replied with a concerned crease of his forehead, and Xavier twisted back around and continued, “Yeah,
5 Seconds of Summer
. Don’t know you all on any level, but I’ve been listening to this song of yours on a loop of late, and I, ah, just wanna dedicate it to…
her
. Yeah. Whoever you think ‘her’ is, it’s her.”

I stiffened in the armchair, heart racing. Was Xena positive Xavier stayed sober for this show? Because he didn’t seem sober. Not in the least.

He commenced strumming his guitar.

Tex got there to him and leaned in to whisper something, but Xavier waved him off, mumbling something in an adamant rumble. All I made out over the mike was “only way she’ll hear me.”

Tex backed off, still pissed as all get out, and Xavier resumed the musical intro.

I immediately identified the song.
Amnesia
.

A few seconds in, Mark and Leo chipped in, and Xavier threw a half-grin over his shoulder at them.

Mark shrugged and grinned back.

Leo shook his head as if to say this was ludicrous, biting his lip to hide his own smile.

Tex was the only one not on board. He just stood there. Seething.

When Xavier realized Tex, the man with the voice, wasn’t going to chip in, he took matters into his own hands and began singing.

Which was…bad. Because Xavier couldn’t sing to save his life. He was
way
off. His voice was too deep and just wasn’t music friendly. Regardless, he sang those words as if his life depended on it.

Soon enough, Tex burst out laughing and went back to his mike. Mark and Leo were at the back struggling to keep it together, their faces contorted with suppressed laughter.

As Xavier hit the second verse, Tex decided to join in. But Xavier was too far gone, lost in the music, eyes closed as he bellowed out the lyrics, seemingly unaware of, or just didn’t care, how off he sounded.

To even it out, Leo and Mark joined in, and they all sang with unbridled grins on their faces. Even Tex.

By the time they got to a discordant culmination, I was both crying and laughing so hard the muscles in my face hurt. Unsure of what emotion to give into. Cry because Xavier dedicated that beautiful song to me? Or laugh because he was so damn crazystupidcute?

At the sound of Xena bellowing my name, I quickly switched off the television and went downstairs.

She was running around like a squawking chicken looking for me with wide eyes and a blinding grin. “Ohmigod, ohmigod! Where have you been?! You missed it! You missed it!”

I feigned ignorance. “Missed what?”

“Xavi. He sang for you. And, honey, he
cannot
sing. I can’t believe you missed it!”

“Xena, chill. I’m sure it’ll be up on Youtube in like five seconds. I’ll see it then.”

Jessica walked in then just then, eying me with caution and contrition. “Alina, can I talk to you for a second?”

Oh, heavens. What now?
I slid Xena a questioning look, but she just shrugged and skittered out through the sliding glass doors, abandoning me to Jessica.