Old Wounds (32 page)

Like speaking more fluently, understanding Sophie Young was a goal of mine.

Sophie was a puzzle, and she purposefully withheld some of the pieces. It was frustrating and baffling, wonderful and exciting.

These new pieces she handed me were bits of her; pieces of all the dark secrets she’d never given up. I understood why they were kept so secure. I understood the need to keep them safe, away from others. People judged. People hurt, and some things were never meant to be spoken of. There were memories locked within me that would take the Jaws of Life to pry the doors open, and yet some part of me desperately wanted to give them up freely to her.

With her admission, I could finally feel that we really were friends. Maybe now that she’d said it out loud, Sophie could learn to deal in another way. Maybe she’d stop spiraling toward self-destruction. If she never did, I was sure I’d still feel this way about her. Always. I was drawn to her. Despite it all, I was in love with Sophie Young and I wanted her to know all of me.

I just wasn’t ready yet.

It was after eleven when I finally opened the two e-mails from Elliott. The first was our usual question and answer. The second one asked just one question. Are you okay?

Why the hell couldn’t he have just not cared like every other person? Why did he have to be so damned concerned and shit? Couldn’t he just want to bang me like everyone else?

Hell, no. Elliott had to be all kind and caring with his puppy eyes and Otis Redding dances.

I probably should have just cut the whole thing off with Elliott, not even answering the questions and not letting him entertain the idea that it was a good idea to be my friend, but I had to acknowledge that there was something about him that made me want to truly be his friend. There was something about Elliott that made me need to be around him.

I was going to need to rein myself in just a little bit. I would allow myself to be his friend, but I wouldn’t keep going the way we were. I had to remember how to keep it together. I certainly didn’t need to continue to let myself get swept up into…

Who the hell was I kidding? I was in pretty deep with him already and I could never take back what I told him. He knew now and he would always know.