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HE LOOKED LIKE
he had seen a ghost. I watched as his face paled and he stood frozen mid-step. He stared at me for a full minute without speaking at all. I don’t think he even heard me when I said his name. His eyes had a far away look and I felt my heart constrict and the prickle on my skin that had become all too familiar. This was Keaton shutting down. I’d seen it. I’d felt it too many times already.

And just like that, the magic of the past few days faded. Every beautiful moment began to crumble around my feet. I could feel the cracks begin to break apart as I worked hard to hold it together.

I felt an instant weariness take me. I’d been fighting too hard. These past few weeks had been a test. I’d told myself that I just had to have patience. I just had to be strong enough for both of us and we’d get through the hiccups and come out strong.

We were real. What we had was real. If I had to give him space to catch up I could do that. If I had to be the one to jump and help him navigate the questions this time then I was okay to do it, because he’d done it for me.

I could do it. I could be patient. I could fight for us both. I could be what he needed, what we needed. I could smile through the hard parts. I had a plan. It’s what I did best. I had it under control.

But I was failing.

I wasn’t strong enough.

He wasn’t fighting with me.

I was out here all on my own.

And I was tired.

Even my logic couldn’t save the storm of doubt that roared through me right now.

He mumbled something about needing some coffee and avoided my gaze as he moved around me to the coffee pot. There was no sweet touch, not even a sidelong glance or kiss on the cheek.

My mask slipped.

I was too tired.

I was too vulnerable.

For three days he’d given me back my fairytale and now he was snatching it away again.

Needing some space I left the kitchen and headed out of the room. I was feeling overwhelmed. I wanted to think that I was imagining this moment. This ordinary moment that on the surface seemed so simple, but somehow felt so defining.

I made it to my room and sat down on the edge of the bed. I took a deep breath hoping to steady myself and then took another when it didn’t work. What was I supposed to do? I couldn’t go on like this. We couldn’t go on like this.

The thought that he just wanted out and he didn’t know how to say it was heavy on my heart. I’d put so much pressure on him throwing those stupid words around. I had tried to fix it. But it was obvious I hadn’t fixed anything.

I closed my eyes and all I could see were his eyes. The way they’d all but clouded over, faded away. Like he’d just checked out. The thought of going back out there and pretending like I hadn’t noticed, pretending while he pretended was too much. I wouldn’t do it.

I’d been selfish.

Trying to hold on, when maybe he didn’t want to be held.

It was time to let him off the hook.

I walked back into the kitchen. Keaton stood right where I’d left him, like a statue. He leaned against the counter, arms crossed across his chest, staring off into some void where I couldn’t reach him.

I walked towards him, taking in a deep breath, giving myself a pep talk with each step, digging deep to find any scrap of courage that I had hidden away. He didn’t look up until I stood only two feet in front of him. I leaned against the opposite counter and waited for him to meet my gaze.

“Hey,” he said.

“I need you to stop protecting me and just say what it is that you need to say. I can handle it,” I said. I crossed my arms across my chest for good measure.

His head tilted to the side, his brows furrowed, “What?”

I sighed and decided it was best if I just laid the whole thing out there. “I never asked you to love me. So if you’re beating yourself up because you can’t say it or because you don’t feel it you can stop. You don’t have to love me back. You don’t have to make me promises. So just stop shutting me out.”

His eyes widened in surprise, but I kept going, I had to get it out before I lost my nerve. “You think I’m waiting around for words, but you’re wrong. You don’t have to love me. You just have to be honest with me. You have to be honest with yourself.

“If I could take back those words I would. That doesn’t mean I didn’t mean them. But they’ve done nothing but ruin us. I’d take them back in a second if we could just have back what we had.” I could feel the tears stinging my eyes, but I didn’t want to cry. I wanted to be strong. It helped when Keaton closed his eyes, his chin falling to his chest.

I kept going.

“You think I didn’t just feel you shut down on me? Again? You keep pushing me away and I’m trying my best to just get through it. I keep fighting for us, Keaton. I’m trying to do the right things. But I don’t know what you need. You push me away, then you pull me back and you think you are protecting me, but you are breaking me.

“If you are done, if this is over, if you can’t do it anymore then you have to let it be over. Please don’t lie to me, don’t just go through the motions, I’m better than that and so are you.”

He looked up, his eyes finding mine and I was shocked to see that they were wet with unshed tears. It made my throat constrict, seeing the emotion there when just a few moments before he’d felt so far away from me.

“You think I don’t want you?” he asked, his voice was thick and raspy, catching as he swallowed hard.

“I don’t know what you want,” I admitted softly. Now that I had laid everything out on the table I could feel my body begin to tremble. The whole room felt like it was spinning, my foundation gone, my balance unsteady. Everything that mattered hung in the air between us and no matter how many plans I’d made or how many risks I’d taken I had no idea which way it was going to go.

HER WORDS FELT
like they pierced my skin. I was certain that if I looked down I’d see the scars. It’s one thing to know that you are causing damage, it’s another to see it being collected and presented back to you.

She stood before me, looking both fierce and fragile, my strong girl cracked and weary from all that I’d asked her to carry on her shoulders.

I pulled her to me, wrapping my arms around her so tightly I had to remind myself to make sure she could still breathe. My heart slammed against my chest, beating its violent rhythm in warning; reminding me that I was the lone gunman in this battle. I was the one destroying everything.

There was no hiding from her, no buying time or pretending while I figured shit out, she would call my bluff every single time.

The words sat on the tip of my tongue, on the tip of my heart and there was a part of me that wanted to let them spill over. Let them spill over and drown us both. But just like always the wall was there. The goddamned wall of fear and pride and self doubt kept it all in. The dam of my self destruction.

“Of course I want you,” I said, my voice low and thick. And fuck, I meant every word. The thought of losing her was enough to bring me to my knees. Didn’t she see that?

“Then why? Why are we here? Why are we losing us? What happened? I watched you, it’s like you just disappeared. And after this weekend I thought—I thought we’d found our way back and then it was like you just shut down on me again,” she said, her honesty ripped through me and I gripped her tighter.

I didn’t have the answer, not one that was anything more than me admitting that I was a weak son of a bitch. How could I explain it when I couldn’t even wrap my head around it?

I clung to her, her name falling from my lips over and over in quick succession. Tears stung my eyes and I could no longer keep them from falling. I felt broken. I hated myself for what I was doing to her. I could feel the rage building deep in my chest, only to be outdone by my need to take her pain away. She trembled in my arms, I felt her breaking. We broke together, the armor gone, the truth heavy around us. It pulled me down and we sunk to the cold tile floor still wrapped in each other. She began to cry against me, and I kissed her forehead, her cheek, anywhere I could, desperate to try and soothe her.

“I’m sorry. Quinn, I’m sorry. I’ll fix it. I will. Don’t give up on me. I’ll find a way to fix it. I want you. I want us. I want it so much. I just don’t know how to do it. I keep fucking everything up. But you have to know, you are everything to me. Everything. Don’t give up on me.”

She pressed her face to my chest and I smoothed her hair with my fingers, cradling her in my lap.

“I don’t want to lose us,” she said softly.

“I’m not going anywhere,” I said, trying to reassure her with my words, even though my actions had done nothing but add to her doubts. I had let her down and I hated it.

We sat on that cold hard floor for a long time. Soaking up every part of each other that we could. We were both bruised and battered and the idea of getting on a plane to go home later was nearly too much to take.

Finally, I carried her back to bed and we lay together, side by side staring up at the ceiling. I held her hand, and felt her skin against my arm, but she didn’t roll into me and I didn’t pull her close. I think we were both afraid. Too fragile, too afraid, too lost.

I squeezed her hand and I heard her sniffle beside me.

I had to fix it.

I had to find my way back.

I wasn’t ready to call it quits yet.

I just wasn’t ready to go all in.

WATCHING KEATON LEAVE
left me with a heavy heart. The last few hours of his visit had overshadowed everything that had happened before and it felt like we were living someone else’s story. I had no idea what to expect and it left me feeling uneasy.

It felt good to have gotten my worries out there, to have him reassure me. But it hadn’t put anything to rest. Nothing had been solved. He was still working his way through it. And since I’d asked him to be honest with me I had no choice but to go along and continue to be patient.

Love was hard. It was no wonder he didn’t want any part of it. I was starting to think that maybe he had the right idea.

THE ROAD TO
hell is paved with good intentions.

You can want to change. You can want to fix things and make it right. You can want to go back and put everything back in order and find that perfect peace you had before you turned it all to shit.

That had been my plan. That had been the promise that I made to Quinn. The promise I’d made to myself. I wanted to fix it. I did. The fact that I had no fucking clue how to do it filled me with an anger I wasn’t used to. I didn’t recognize myself anymore.

I was over it.

I was trying to be someone I wasn’t so that I could be with this girl. Because she made me feel like I could be someone better. There was no better though. It was what it was. I wasn’t going to change. I’d spent too many years living this truth, so to ask me to redefine everything now, on a whim over some flighty emotion like love was asinine.

But I’d meant what I said. I wanted her. I wanted her like I’d wanted no one else. She owned me. She had me in every way I could be had. But she wanted more and that was where I just couldn’t take the step. That’s the part that had me all tied up in desperation and had me stumbling around like a goddamned fool.