On the Other Side (21 page)

“I don't know about quick, given what I've heard about divorces in New York City, but it should be easy, especially if you hire an attorney.”

Neal came back to the apartment just in time to hear the word divorce. He felt like everything was falling apart. Everything he tried seemed to fail and now the inevitable seemed to be happening. She was going to start divorce proceedings. He didn't know what to do. He had run out of options.

He stepped back and came back into the apartment, making sure to make enough noise so that they would think he had just walked in. He didn't want them to know he had heard their conversation.

He pasted a fake smile on his face. “Damita, I'm home!”

She cautioned Carmella and her mother to be quiet.

“My mother and Carmella are here with me in the back.”

“Hello,” he said.

“Hello,” replied Carmella.

Karen simply nodded.

“I was going to cook Damita's favorite tonight; spaghetti and meatballs. Would you both like to stay and have dinner with us?”

“I need to get home. Derrick and I are going to the movies tonight.”

“I'll leave with you, Carmella.”

They both kissed Damita goodbye.

“I'll call you tomorrow,” her mother said.

“Okay, Mom.”

At dinner, Neal was surprisingly quiet.

Damita managed a smile. “The spaghetti was very good. Thank you,” Damita offered.

“I'm glad you liked it. I realize it's your favorite.”

“I appreciate it. You didn't have to.”

Neal's face suddenly looked very serious. “Damita, can I ask you a question?”

“Sure, of course you can.”

“Is there any part of you that still loves me?”

“Neal, I don't want—”

“Tell me the truth. I promise I won't react. I need to hear the truth.”

“I love you, but not the way I used to. I finally realize that just because you love a person doesn't mean you can live with them or be married to them. We'll both have to get used to that idea if we're ever going to be anything other than mortal enemies. And, I don't want to be your enemy. I never wanted to be.”

Neal walked over to her and Damita jumped.

Neal's face had a pained expression. “It's so hard for me to see you do that. It's my fault. I made you this way, but it's still so hard to see you so afraid of me. To you, I'm a monster, when all I ever wanted to do was love you.”

Damita waited as Neal came toward her, trying not to react in fear. He knelt beside her and held her tightly around her waist, as they both cried.

D
amita wanted to repay Neal for maintaining some sense of normalcy while she was there and for getting her from the hospital when he first learned of her attack, so she figured before she left to go to her mother's place, she would fix him breakfast. After she was done in the kitchen, she went to get him from the guest bedroom, where he had been sleeping.

“Neal, I fixed breakfast,” she said.

She was surprised to see that he didn't even stir in his sleep.

“Neal?”

She walked over to the bed and something didn't seem quite right. She touched him and he didn't move. She began shaking him and realized he wasn't sleeping.

“Neal! Neal!”

He stirred a bit and she knew that he was at least still alive. She dialed 9-1-1.

At the hospital they were able to determine that he had overdosed due to a combination of cocaine, sleeping pills and alcohol, but he was alive. Damita sat in his room and waited until he was awake and able to speak.

Damita looked Neal directly in his eyes. “Did you do this on purpose?” she asked.

Neal seemed very surprised. “You're still here?”

“Of course I'm here. You almost died. Thank God I was able to
get you to the hospital in time. Otherwise, I don't know what would have happened. Did you mean to do this or was it an accident?”

“I honestly don't know.”

“How could you not know?”

“I don't.”

Damita was able to get him into a rehab facility closer to home and hoped he would stay longer than he had the last time. When it was allowed she came to visit him and was even invited to sit in on one of the counseling sessions. She was no expert, but if the session was any indication, he actually seemed to be making progress. Eventually he had an opportunity to come home and continue treatment on an outpatient basis and Neal decided he would do that. Damita was waiting for him to take him home and he was glad to see her.

Neal smiled weakly. “I didn't think you'd come,” he said.

“I told you I would. I always try to keep my word. I'm not going to start changing that now.”

“I'm glad you came.”

“Neal, I'm not making any promises, but I'm going to stay with you until you can at least get on your feet.”

“Thank you. That's the most I can hope for.”

Neal seemed to be taking his recovery seriously and went to counseling sessions and Narcotics Anonymous meetings. Damita even went to a couple of meetings for family members of drug users. She was surprised to find that many of the family members at the meetings stories weren't so different from her own. She didn't realize how pervasive drug use was until she listened to some of the stories. Damita wasn't ready to share her story and only attended to listen and hopefully to begin to understand. She began to realize that all the signs were there long before she married Neal; she had chosen to ignore them.

“Did you work late tonight?” Neal asked, when she got home.

“No, I went to a meeting.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, I've gone to a couple of them. I didn't really tell anybody. I was just curious. I was surprised.”

“About what?”

“It was such a melting pot of people. Everyone was from so many different walks of life. I didn't expect that. Neal, how did you get caught up in this? When we were dating you seemed so controlled, almost a nerd. How could this have happened? Every time I think about it, it doesn't make sense.”

“It's funny, most people have all these preconceived notions about those they consider
successful
. Before my parents died I had a plan for my life. That plan didn't include becoming the CEO of my father's architectural enterprise. I was young and I didn't completely know what I wanted to do, but architecture wasn't at the top of the list. But, I could never say that. I could never whine about my
poor life
because in everyone else's eyes I was sitting on top of the world; money, success. Everyone thinks I have it all but no one ever stops to think about what it takes to keep it all. I feel like I haven't had a moment in my life when I wasn't under extreme pressure. I'm not making excuses for my behavior, but I finally understand. It's no wonder I turned to drugs and alcohol. The cocaine started as a way to keep me up; the alcohol was the only way to bring me down. After you left, the sleeping pills helped me to get the sleep I couldn't get. I'm no different than anyone else who takes the same path, rich or poor, young or old.”

“Why didn't you feel you could talk to me the same way you are now? That would've saved us.”

“Damita, you are pretty damned close to perfect. How accepting
do you think you would have been of my imperfections if you were aware of them
before
we got married?”

“I'm far from perfect,” Damita said.

“You're pretty damn close,” Neal said, before getting up and going to bed.

•  •  •

In the middle of the night Damita got out of her bed and went to Neal's. She pulled back the covers and got into bed with him. Neal woke up, surprised to find her there.

“Da—”

“Shhh,” Damita responded.

She put her fingers to his lips, silencing him. He responded to her presence immediately and Damita climbed on top of him. He shuddered the moment he felt her wrapped around him. She gazed into his eyes as her body continued to rise and fall. Within minutes he came and Damita lay on top of him feeling his heavy breathing slowly subside. When she tried to roll off the top of him, Neal held fast to her, unwilling to let her go.

The next morning neither Neal nor Damita seemed to want to discuss what had happened the night before. They both went about their routines before each of them was out the door and went their separate ways.

Damita called Carmella on her way to work. “I made a huge mistake.”

“You slept with him, didn't you?”

“How on earth did you know that?”

“It makes perfect sense.”

Damita looked confused. “How do you figure?”

“Two people who, I assume, used to fuck like rabbits, are thrown
together in an impossible situation with emotions running wild. It makes sense that you would end up sleeping together; especially you.”

Damita shook her head. “Why especially me? Is it because you think I'm a complete idiot?”

“No, it's not. It's because you have a heart of gold and you can't stand to see another human being in pain. It's always been your fatal flaw.”

“So, in other words, I need to become more of a bitch if I ever hope to survive?”

“That's a difficult question to answer. On the one hand, I want to protect my best friend from harm and often think if you were more of a bitch that might do it. On the other hand, I would hate to see you lose the most beautiful part of what makes you uniquely Damita. So, what are you going to do?”

“I don't know what I'm going to do. I feel like a complete fool even saying this, but I felt something.”

Carmella laughed. “So I take it the sex was good?”

“Carmella! Get your mind out of the gutter! I meant I felt something emotionally. That's why I slept with him. We were talking last night and it felt like the first time we've ever had real talk.”

“Are you considering staying with him?”

“No, or at least I don't think so. My plans haven't changed, but my feelings have. Does that make any sense at all?”

“Of course it makes sense. That's why women have the babies. We're hardwired to care. That's what we do.”

If it was at all possible, Damita felt even more isolated than she had before. She didn't feel comfortable talking to Wendy or her mother and even though Carmella hadn't judged her the last time they talked, she knew the last thing Carmella wanted was for her
to go back to Neal. In many ways she was judging herself. She felt like she would have to be a fool to even consider staying with a man that had abused her so terribly.

•  •  •

Neal was back at work and though he said his business was in trouble, his life had returned to normal. He was still going to meetings and was getting private counseling. Damita realized Neal was no longer in a fragile state and unless she was staying as his wife, it was now time for her to leave. She thought long and hard about her decision and decided getting a divorce was the only way for her to move on with her life. She decided she would wait until the end of the week before she discussed her decision with Neal.

The next day, before Damita got home, Neal found divorce papers Damita had drawn up. He was waiting as soon as she came through the door.

The look of rage on his face was unmistakable. “After everything, you didn't think I deserved the courtesy of a warning. You sleep with me and then you divorce me. What kind of game are you playing? Do you even know what you're doing?”

“Neal, I was going to talk to you at the end of the week. You and I have both been struggling at work. I thought it made sense for us to save it until the weekend.”

This time when he beat her she barely shed a tear. Outside it was raining. She watched the rain and shut herself off from the pain. She knew as long as she lived, she would get past this. She continued to watch the rain and it occurred to her that her life was very much like a rainy night. Tomorrow would be the dawning of a new day. With that new day would be the potential for the sun to shine through and for clouds to disappear. While he beat
her, she watched the rain and thought of her beautiful, bright new day. When Neal was done, she limped off to bed, silently. Nothing more needed to be said.

Neal watched her and was unnerved by her silence. He wondered if he should be concerned about the two of them sleeping under the same roof, given her uncustomary detached response. It then occurred to him that he had nothing to worry about. He interpreted her quiet as surrender and felt victorious.

“I have a meeting with a new client tomorrow morning. Make sure you wake me up before you leave,” he said gruffly.

T
he next morning, Damita was happy to find Neal was still asleep. He was on yet another bender and there were empty bottles and drug paraphernalia scattered throughout the apartment. She had no intention of waking him, as he instructed and was sure to dress quickly. She packed a small bag to take with her to work, so she wouldn't have to come back. She would stay with her mother until she found her own apartment.

Before she left, she heard the click of the answering machine and walked over to it to listen to the message more closely. She wondered if it might be her mother or Carmella but knew that they had stopped calling her on anything but her cell phone. The voice she heard chilled her to the bone. It was the same voice she recognized the night she was attacked.

“I'm outside waiting whenever you're ready, Mr. Westman,” the voice said.

Damita stared at the machine in horror. Suddenly everything clicked. It was the driver. He was the one who had attacked her along with three other men. This time she
would
be going to the police. She was going to tell them everything. She removed the tape from the answering machine. It occurred to her that at some point she might need it.