One Chance (31 page)

Even so, I couldn't stay away completely. I was invited to the wedding scene, and it was incredibly strange to watch James and the fantastic Alexandra Roach walking down the aisle as me and Julz. Weirder still was the experience of watching one or two scenes I had recorded the vocals for a few weeks earlier. It was very strange indeed to see James's mouth open and shut and hear my own voice come out!

Inside the church, filming of the wedding scene had started and Julz and I were seated at the altar. I looked across to Julz and saw she was crying. David Frankel, whom I was sitting next to, also noticed.

“You know, she's crying! She's got really emotional about it.”

I knew Julz better, however.

“Sorry, David, but those are tears of laughter!”

I could see why. To us both, the whole thing was surreal. We were Julz and Paul, and yet standing in front of us were some of the biggest stars of stage and screen playing us. My life had
thrown up many strange moments over the previous few years, but this was one of the most bizarre.

Many people describe their lives as a roller-coaster ride, but mine feels as though it has had more ups and downs than most. There were certainly plenty of downs to begin with: struggling around other people and finding myself the communal punch-bag left me feeling so low and pointless that when a predatory sex offender took me under his “wing” I did nothing to stop him. I was an easy target.

Singing was the only genuine escape I had. I found myself fighting to keep it just mine, and then discovered that in order to keep doing it, I would actually need to share it with others. This was not an easy thing to do: to open up my singing to others also meant opening it up to scrutiny, and for others to say it was not good enough.

The world has become more aware of bullying and abuse, but that doesn't necessarily mean that it deals with it better, or that it is easier for the victims of bullying and abuse to deal with it. It remains as much a challenge as ever. Ignoring it doesn't make it go away; that much hasn't changed. The biggest challenge for those it affects is to be able to remain objective about what is happening and not take it personally. How do you ignore the bullies without bottling up how it makes you feel? I still don't know how to do this.

I am in a much better place than I was then, but for someone with my experience it's still not easy to accept the good things that happen. I will always wonder whether I am good enough,
or whether I deserve the success I have enjoyed during the last six years or so. This drives a sense of insecurity that will never leave me.

Some insecurity can be very helpful in keeping your feet on the ground and pushing you on to improve. My confidence has indeed grown, and my shyness is much less obvious, but it is still there when I meet someone new, or find myself in a crowded situation. Crowds are still difficult for me, and I have to put myself into “public” mode to fight against the desire to go and hide in a corner. This will sometimes lead me to talk too much, to try and justify myself, or to bury myself in my phone and pretend the world around me isn't there.

With everything I have been through, I have learned a number of lessons along the way. It is so important to be true to yourself. When a drastic change happens to you in the way it did to me in 2007, it's easy to be caught up in the excitement of what's happening. Lots of people will tell you how fantastic you are, and the most dangerous thing to do is to believe them.

Britain's Got Talent
saved me from myself. It meant that I was no longer a person defined by the difficult times I had been through. Those things still exist, but I have proved to myself, and hopefully to others, that I
can
get past obstacles if only I believe in myself a little more.

I will always be incredibly grateful to
Britain's Got Talent
and Syco for giving me the opportunities I've had. But the fact that I'm still performing round the world six years later is about more than just the programme. It is thanks to many things: to my management team at Modest! for their belief in me; to the
record labels that have supported me; to Simon Cowell, Amanda Holden, and Piers Morgan for giving me that first opportunity; and if I allow myself a little credit, it's also down to hard work. While it is definitely better than a proper job, you can't have back what you don't put in, let alone get interest on top!

There are other people who have been instrumental in my success, too. Julz has been my rock and my steadying hand throughout the twelve years we've been together and the ten years we've been married. It's been fantastic to have the support of both mine and Julz's family throughout. We've all found it very bewildering at times, but incredible all the time. None of this would still be happening if it weren't for the support of people round the world who have bought my albums.

I would like to thank all those who have made me feel at home in their countries. There have been so many wonderful places I've been fortunate enough to visit that there isn't the space to list them all here. But no matter where I travel, there is only one place I can call home: the United Kingdom and, in particular, Port Talbot. It is my adopted home, of course, but I have always been made to feel welcome here. That is why Julz and I have stayed. You can live in the largest mansion, but if it doesn't feel like home, then it isn't home.

I found my voice and my voice found me. Without it, I don't know where I would be. One of the most random decisions of my life took me to Dreamland.

Life doesn't come with a sat nav. You will often hear directions and advice, but they won't always be helpful. Sometimes the only way to go the right way is to learn the hard lessons of going the wrong way. Yes, there may be twists and turns along the way, but
if you have the determination and belief to keep going, then anything is possible. So the next time you're looking in the mirror and thinking, I can't do it—challenge yourself. You never know what you're capable of until you give it the best shot you can.

Thank you for walking beside me over the last six years.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

A
S A NON-PROFESSIONAL WRITER
I'd like to thank my editor, Tom Bromley, for his support and guiding hand. It has been a rewarding challenge, and with Tom's support it has been made enjoyable. I'd also like to thank Amanda Murray at Weinstein Books and Leslie Wells for their further guidance. Finally, I'd like to thank Vibica Auld for being there to (metaphorically, of course) crack the whip to keep me on target.