One Choice (24 page)

****

Days passed in a blur for Cahri. She rose from the bed, ate, and spoke when Anaya forced her to do so. Otherwise, she spent her time sleeping or staring at nothing.

Josiah did not come.

Anaya quit coming. She'd said why, but Cahri couldn't remember.

No one came. No one cared.

And it was her fault. She wasn't good enough.

****

Cahri struggled to open her eyes when a voice called her name. Who would bother her while she was trying to sleep?

A hand on her neck forced her head up. Cool liquid soothed her parched tongue. She licked her dry, cracked lips.

“Just a little at a time,” the voice said.

Soothing. But not Josiah.

She sank back into the safety of the darkness.

****

“How is my wife?” Josiah asked his chief of security.

“What do you care? You haven't even been to see her since Waseem beat her.”

The hardest two weeks of his life. Josiah clenched his fists at his sides. “Watch your tone. You forget yourself.”

“Hard not to when I'm doing your job and mine.”

Josiah watched as Matthias took a deep breath, and squared his shoulders.

“She is recovering.”

“Good. Do you have anything else to report?”

“Waseem's trial will commence as soon as your parents return. We await notification of their arrival, and then I will contact the appropriate nobles.”

“Excellent. If there's nothing else, you may go.”

Josiah sighed. Their friendship had disintegrated since Waseem's attack on Cahri. Matthias did his job and kept their communication to the bare necessities. Disapproval radiated off him.

Not only had Josiah lost his wife, but his best friend. But then he hadn't lost his wife. He'd pushed her away. Ignored her. Avoided his failure.

****

Cahri opened her eyes to Matthias calling her name. He'd pulled her back from the brink of death. She'd gone to that cliff on purpose. There'd been nothing to stop her. No reason to stay in this life.

But in Matthias's voice she'd heard God telling her He wasn't done with her yet. It wasn't her time.

She sat up and scooted against the headboard. He placed a plate in her hands as he'd done three times a day since she'd been able to feed herself again.

A breakfast of champions — toast and oatmeal.

Cook had fixed her oatmeal every day. She was getting quite good at it too. Cahri took a bite and then another, until the bowl was empty. Her appetite had returned in earnest.

Matthias smiled at her. “It's good to see you eating without me having to force you to take just one more bite.”

“I'm hungry today.” She hesitated, looking out the window. “Do you think it would be all right if I went down to the garden? These four walls are starting to close in on me.”

“You're getting stronger, but don't go far or walk for long, or you will tire yourself too much.”

She was glad for his concern. “Thank you, Matthias. I don't remember if I thanked you for rescuing me…” She stopped to gain control of her emotions. “But I wanted to thank you for that and for pulling me out of the dark place I retreated to afterward. I know I would have died without your intervention.” A tear slid past her defenses.

“It was my pleasure, Princess.” He shifted from one foot to the other. “I lo…” He grunted. “Be careful outside.” He whirled around and left.

****

Josiah watched as his wife wandered the garden. Stormy walked by her side. The cat acted more like a dog in recent weeks, never leaving Cahri's side.

She seemed so peaceful in the daytime. He missed her. He'd gone into their room at night when she slept and just watched her. Her nightmares reminded him of his failure to protect her.

His leg had healed. He had a little weakness still, which meant he needed a cane. The exercises the doctor told him to do helped.

Along with the trial for Waseem, his parents spoke of the formal wedding. He avoided the subject as much as possible. They didn't need to know he hadn't been in his wife's presence since her return, at least not while she'd been awake.

He stared back out the window. She no longer walked with a spring in her step. Her steps were still graceful, but heavy somehow. He was the cause, and his heart constricted.

God, what have I done?

****

Cahri meandered through the garden. For a week she'd been finding God's peace and forgiveness here. Peace with herself. Forgiveness for Waseem. Understanding for Josiah. Maybe one day she would find love again, but it wouldn't be in this place. Her heart had been shattered here, and she had to leave.

Matthias hadn't been coming around as often, which was as it should be, though she missed his friendship. Her physical recovery had been slow, and she still tired too soon, but she grew stronger each day. She'd prayed and waited, and now felt it was time to go. The king, queen, and Anaya would be returning next week. She couldn't face them with the knowledge that she'd fallen short of their expectations.

“We will plan your formal wedding after Waseem's trial. It will be wonderful. Lots of flowers, and music, and people — all the things you missed out on so many weeks ago.” Anaya had said earlier that morning on the phone.

Cahri hadn't told Anaya she hadn't even seen Josiah since the night of her rescue. There was no point. It wouldn't change anything.

With the roses she loved so much surrounding her, she sat on the bench and gazed at the second story window, remembering the first time she'd sat in this spot. Tears pooled in her eyes. She blinked them back.

Love for Josiah welled in her heart. She was wrong earlier. Love like this didn't come more than once. She couldn't accept anything less than what she felt for her husband. Come what may, she wouldn't seek an annulment, but would forever remain Prince Josiah of Belikara's wife, unless he sought to end their covenant.

She needed to visit one more place before she left for good. The gallery. She would tell Josiah's portrait all the things she couldn't say to him in person.

Head bowed, she walked with purpose. At the door, she hesitated. Could she even look at his picture without breaking down? She forced herself to enter and walk to the end. Stopping at the portrait of Josiah's great-grandmother, she focused on the noble woman.

“I'm sorry I couldn't be the kind of wife you were.” She touched the portrait then moved on.

At Josiah's picture, she sat on the bench and stared at her handsome husband. Her throat tightened, but she purposed to remain until she'd said everything.

“I'm sorry, my husband. I tried to be the wife you wanted. The wife you needed. But I've failed you. I am no longer able to stay here. I can't stay, wondering every day if today is the day I'll see you and you insist I leave, or if today is the day you will come to me, beg my forgiveness, and tell me you love me, even if I know such a thing will never happen.” A sob broke through, but she regained control and continued.

“I know you can't love me. It's not your fault. It's mine. I wasn't good enough. I knew it before I even stepped foot into this beautiful home. I'm leaving so you can be happy. Maybe one day you will find a woman you can love as much as I love you.” Cahri stood and touched his portrait, tears streaming down her face. “I'll always love you, Josiah. Always. Goodbye, my love.”

“Princess?”

Cahri jumped at Matthias's voice. She wiped her eyes on her sleeves and faced him. “Yes?”

“Who were you talking to?”

Cahri bit her lip. “I was praying.” Would he question her further?

“Are you okay?” He studied her but didn't enter the gallery.

“Yes. I'll be fine. Thank you, Matthias.” For everything. For being a friend. For praying. For nursing her back to health. For caring. She smiled to reassure him.

He disappeared without another word.

Cahri stared at Josiah's portrait once more, touching it with gentle fingers. She pulled the handkerchief from her pocket and tucked it behind the frame. “Thank you for letting me borrow it for a time.” She blinked back her tears and left the room.

****

Josiah gazed at his wife through the video feed. He couldn't help it. An ache spread through him. She'd sat staring at his portrait for a long time. Her lips moved. He wished for sound on the cameras, but her words were lost to him. She shifted toward the door after swiping tears from her eyes. Someone must be there. A hint of a smile graced her lips.

Matthias.

Josiah faced away from the cameras and limped from the room.

Why couldn't the man stay away from his wife?

Because you told him to care for her.

Josiah had ignored her need and passed it off to someone else. She would smile at him if he cared enough to show his face.

But he couldn't.

****

Cahri called the airline and booked her flight for Wednesday. She would be in France before Anaya returned. Josiah wouldn't notice her departure. She wasn't even sure if he was still at the palace.

Time to put her plan into action. She requested a car to drive to the mission church. She'd never done anything like this before, but it shouldn't be too hard.

A few times of going to the mission or shopping, every other day or so, maybe with a guard. It wouldn't take long before they'd trust her to make the trip on her own. An hour there, a couple of hours to kill, and an hour back. It would give her at least four hours before anyone noticed she hadn't returned as usual.

After her first trip to the church, her heart ached. She couldn't go there again. Pastor Phillip was far too perceptive and would guess something was going on.

Her next trip was to shop. She didn't need much, but the guard soon grew bored, which happened to be what she wanted.

One final trip — to the orphanage. The hardest one of all. She drove alone. She played with the children and gave them gifts, but couldn't tell them goodbye. That would cause too many questions.

On the drive home, she pulled off the road and cried. She was leaving her heart in this country, with her parents' graves, with the children, with its prince. She wiped her eyes. It had to be done. Living this way would kill both of them. If she left, hers would be the damaged life. He could and would go on without her, maybe find what he needed from someone else.

On Tuesday, she wrote a long letter to Anaya. She didn't reveal where she was going, but it would be easy enough to guess. Thanking the young woman for her friendship and care came with ease. Asking Anaya to not contact her was more difficult. Cahri wished Anaya good luck in her betrothal. She wrote out a prayer of blessing for her sister-in-law, her sister in Christ, her sister in love. Tears dotted the paper, but Cahri didn't care. A quick trip to Anaya's room secured the envelope in a place certain to be seen upon her return.

Wednesday morning arrived.

Stormy paced. He knew something was wrong. She picked him up, scratched behind his ears, bidding him a tearful goodbye, then closed him in the bathroom. Taking him with her would raise too many questions.

She ordered the car brought around, and she stuffed a few boxes in the trunk. No one asked about them because she'd done the same thing last week, taking donations to the orphanage. This time the boxes contained her luggage.

She drove away, stopping at the end of the drive to look back at the place which held her heart in so many ways, though it had been her home for so short a time. She blinked back the tears and pushed on the gas.

“Goodbye, my heart.”