One Foot in the Grave: An Almost Zombie Tale (24 page)

He sits at my feet and tilts his head up. “You misunderstand. It is an unspoken rule that has been in place since the creation of the first vampire. It was not a judgment against him.”

“But it’s not Andrew’s fault he got turned!” I argue.

“Isis, I am only the messenger. You need to convince Nacelles Caldmer to speak on Andrew’s behalf to the Master Vampire. That is the only way to call off the hunt.”

I’m tempted to say ‘Why me?’ but I’m pretty sure it won’t help. I just close my eyes for a minute. “Fine. Maxx, can you take us directly to Nacelles?”

“I can,” he replies. “But you stated that you have an errand to run.”

I nod. “I do. I’d drive us, but you won’t fit. My car isn’t exactly big.”

“I can shrink down further, if it is necessary.” He’s not pleased at the idea, though. His ears are down and his normally round with curiosity Great Dane eyes are droopy, a sure sign of his unhappiness.

I pet his head. “Trust me, it is.”

He shivers and some sort of spaniel is standing in front of me. I’m not expert enough in dogs to know the exact breed, but he’s got long droopy ears and a wonderful coat.

“That’ll work,” I say.

“Where’d all your weight go?” Andrew asks.

“I cannot contract all my mass,” Maxx explains. “This body weighs as much as the Great Dane did.”

Yikes. That’s one heavy spaniel, but at least he doesn’t weigh in at eighteen hundred pounds anymore. He’d break the suspension on my car otherwise. “I need to go to the Farmer’s Market before the club, Andrew.”

My ex raises his eyebrow at me.

“I owe someone there a couple of rib-eyes. It’s kind of out of our way, but I wouldn’t feel right not bringing them. Besides, he might not let us in otherwise.”

Maxx tilts his head.

“I’ll leave the window rolled down,” I promise. I don’t feel like explaining to Andrew about Tucker. Some things need to be experienced to be believed. And yes, I did just say that. Andrew doesn’t say a word when we reach my car. He just climbs into the front seat and buckles his seatbelt. Safety first. Maxx clambers across Andrew’s lap and into the back, where he sits upright on the seat and stares first at the seatbelt, then at me.

“Maxx, I’m not buckling you in. You’re a
dog.”
Sheesh, has he never ridden in a car before?

“I am a hell hound,” he replies. “There is a difference.”

“Right now, at this very minute, you’re a spaniel,” I say. “Besides, I don’t have a special harness for you. It wouldn’t work.”

“Isn’t the Farmer’s Market in the opposite direction as the club?” Andrew asks.

I get into the front seat and insert the key in the ignition. It turns over without a hitch. If there’s one thing I’ve learned over the years, it’s to baby my car. The Marta’s great for the short term, but no-one who’s lived in Atlanta for a long time wants to use it for, say, grocery shopping and stuff.

“It’ll just take a minute. You and Maxx can keep each other company.”

“I need to get this done, Isis.”

I’m about ready to snap at him, but then catch a glimpse out of the corner of my eye. He looks scared.

“I’ll be as fast as I can,” I promise, easing the Bug into traffic. “But things’ll go a lot easier if I have rib-eyes. Trust me.”

I expect Andrew to say something snarky, but he just leans his head back on the seat and closes his eyes. “Just make sure I’m back before daybreak,” he says.

This time I do roll my eyes. After all, he can’t see me, and even if he could, what’s he going to say? He’s the one who came to me for help. Does he seriously think I’m going to let him burst into flames?

It’s pretty much a straight shot down 75 South to 285 North, then off the freeway at East Ponce to the market itself. There’s not much traffic now, which is perfect, since The Farmer’s Market closes at nine.

“What sort of a market is this?” Maxx asks. “I see no farmers.”

“It’s like a giant grocery store,” Andrew doesn’t even open his eyes. “Except that instead of normal stuff, they have a huge produce section. It’s got all kinds of vegetables from around the world and different kinds of meat.”

“I’ll only be a sec,” I say. I open the door, slamming it shut behind me. I’m not mad or anything, but if I don’t use force, sometimes the door sticks.

Maxx barks at me, but I ignore him. I’m just grateful he’s not shouting out the car window something like, ‘I want chicken!’ That’d turn some heads.

I miss buying food at the Farmer’s Market. The fruits and vegetables always seem to last longer than from anywhere else. Also, it’s food without the middle man; pretty much from farmer to table. In short, it’s hippie heaven.

I make the run as fast as possible. I don’t eat anything normal anymore, so it’s easy to stay away from the entire right side of the warehouse sized...ummm...warehouse. The meat section is a lot harder to resist. After all, it’s raw meat. Counter upon counter of juicy, oozing steaks, ground beef, ostrich, turkey legs...Oooo...I pause and grab a turkey leg for Maxx. The man behind the counter just smiles at me — I think it’s a default reaction because he does it to the woman right behind me, too. Ah well, I know I’m not pretty anymore. It kind of sucks, but there it is. Next up is the rib-eyes. I wait for my turn. Why’re there so many people in the meat department so close to closing, anyway?

“Who’s next?”

I raise my hand and step forward, but a woman tries shoving her way past me. “Excuse me,” she mutters, not sorry.

“I was here first,” I say.

She turns toward me, but something in my glare stops her in her tracks. “I—I’m sorry,” she says instead, stepping away from me. “I didn’t see you.”

We both know it’s a lie, but I just shrug and turn back to the counter. “I need two of the largest rib-eyes you’ve got.”

He raises his eyebrow at me. Okay, I know I’m only around 5’0” and, in this stage of the game it’s doubtful I’ll grow any more, but staring at me isn’t going to help.

“Bone in or bone out?”

“Bone in, please.”

He weighs out two steaks and I darn near expire at the price. $30.05. Tucker better appreciate these. And I better get to see Nacelles whenever I want from now until eternity. I get the meat, take it to the cashier, pay my bill, and hightail it out to the car, where I find Maxx and Andrew deep in conversation.

“...but he’s a magician,” Andrew is protesting.

“A magician, not a miracle worker.” Maxx’s nose flares. “Isisss, what is that?”

“The steaks are for Tucker, so paws off,” I answer even as I dig into the bag and get out the turkey leg. “This one’s for you.” I hold it out to him, blink once, and while I’m busy blinking, Maxx nabs it. I feel his warm doggy breath as the weight of the leg leaves my palm. Then the car’s suspension groans, and Maxx the Great Dane is laying across the backseat, cracking the bone in two. I guess he likes turkey…

“It is not chicken,” he says.

“No,” I agree. “It’s not. And why did you change form again?”

“It is much better than chicken,” he replies, “and the spaniel is not my favorite form.”

Well, then… “I’m glad you like the turkey,” I say. “It’s smoked, though, which gives it a whole different flavor than regular turkey.”

“I am glad I am staying above ground,” Maxx says. “I do not think I would experience such things with Nacelles Caldmer.”

I have to agree with him. I mean, the lich seems cool, but I don’t think he’s one to go out of his way to help Maxx try out new food. Poor hound had never tasted chicken before, and he’s how old?

“Now that the touchy-feely stuff is over, can we get on with solving my problem?” Andrew whines.

“Sure.” I turn the ignition on, pull out of the parking lot and back onto the freeway. Blood Bank, here we come.

Forty-One:

And Miles to go Before I Sleep.

The club’s hoppin’ again, but I’m not surprised by that fact. After all, it’s night. My mom’s right. I’m doing nothing but travelling between the church and here. I’m pretty much running in circles. Maxx stops me as I start to get out of the car.

“I will take us straight to Tucker,” he says. “It will be less troublesome.” He grins at me.

I hold tight to the bag containing the rib-eyes with one hand and put the other hand on Maxx.

“I can’t hold onto him,” Andrew protests. “I’ll go up in flames.”

“Untrue,” Maxx replies. “I only burn in my natural state. You will be safe.”

“If you say so…” Andrew’s tone is skeptical but he puts one trembling hand onto the hell hound. Nothing happens, and I breathe out a sigh of relief. I may not be ready to admit how I’m starting to feel about Andrew, if I ever really stopped feeling it in the first place, but neither do I want to see him light up like a Roman Candle.

The air around us twists as Maxx does his magical hell hound thing, and then I’m standing almost nose to nose with Tucker. My nostrils flare, my eyes widen, and I take a step, or three, backward.

“Uh, hi, Tucker.”

The corpse grins at me. “Hello, ‘not food’.”

“Isis,” I say, for what I think is the third time. “My name is Isis.”

“I smell meat.” He says. Maybe his conversational skills are being hindered by the fact that he’s been dead longer than any of us have been alive?

“I brought you rib-eyes,” I reply. He just stares at me, so I elaborate. “Bone-in steaks.”

He holds out one rotting hand. I give him the whole bag, trying my best not to touch any part of him, because ewwww…He doesn’t bother opening the bag, just starts shoving the whole thing into his mouth.

“Ummm...he’s going to choke if he continues…” I trail off as I feel both Andrew’s and Maxx’s stares. “What?”

“He’s dead, Isis. We all are, remember?”

Huh. “Speak for yourself,” I snap. “I’m half-dead.”

“And I am not dead at all,” Maxx interjects.

“Fine,” Andrew snaps back. “I’m dead, okay? I’m the freak. Happy now?”

“That’s not what I meant,” I say.

“This is neither the time nor the place,” Maxx says. “Tucker, we are going to see Nacelles.”

The revenant pays us no attention at all. He’s busy picking bits of plastic bag out of his teeth. Between him and Ra’kul, I’m rapidly learning that things really could be worse.

We file past Tucker and into the hallway that never ends, except when Nacelles decides it needs to. The song from Lambchop goes through my mind...’this is the hall that never ends...it goes on and on my friends...some people started walkin’ it not knowing what it was...and they’ll continue walkin’ it forever just because...’ Rinse. Repeat. Okay, yeah, I have way too much time to just think.

“Isis, what brings you back? Do you need more brain testing?” Nacelles strolls around a corner I don’t even see. I’m starting to hate this hallway. It’s like some crazy fun house, but without the fun.

“I — my friend Andrew has a bit of a problem,” I say. Andrew isn’t my friend, but I’m not sure what else to call him.

“So, naturally, you brought him to me?”

Andrew swallows and steps forward. “Vampires are trying to kill me.”

The lich tilts his head to one side. “And why would they do that?”

“I don’t know. I wasn’t supposed to exist.” He glances at Maxx. I wonder if the hell hound was the one who told him.

Nacelles nods. “You are a mistake.”

Wow. Did he just call Andrew a mistake? And I thought what Maxx did to him was mean. But Andrew finally mans up. A surge of warmth washes through me.

“I’m not a mistake,” he declares. “Just because I’m not supposed to be here, that doesn’t mean I don’t deserve to be. Why should I have to die just to meet some ancient vampire law I know nothing about?”

“So you’re here, asking for what, exactly?” The lich steeples his skeleton fingers together.

“I don’t want to die,” Andrew says. “I want you to get them to stop hunting me.”

“There are certain protocols. What you’re asking of me is highly unusual, but not completely unheard of. I do demand payment in return for my services.”

The look on Andrew’s face pretty much mirrors the look on my face when Nacelles told me the same thing. Though I’m sure Andrew won’t get the same answer I did.

“What sort of payment?” I ask. I know, it’s none of my business, but I’m curious.

“That is between Andrew and I.” He holds up one hand when Andrew opens his mouth. “I can’t ask for a certain payment when I have no idea what the price to me will be. I must speak to the one who created you, Andrew. Do you know who he or she is?”

“I have no idea,” Andrew admits. “It was dark, and…” he hesitates before continuing. “I’m not even sure if it was male or female.”

My eyebrows try to crawl into my hairline all by themselves. “How could you not know that?”

Maxx answers me, his voice soft. “Vampires can be androgynous. It is possible to be face to face with one and not know.”

So if I ever made out with a vampire, I could be kissing a girl vamp and not even know it? Well, ain’t that all warm and fuzzy and super creepy?

Nacelles’ voice draws me back to the conversation at hand. “That’s a problem, Andrew. It means I need to meet with the Master himself and see if he will remove the bounty on your head.”

“I have a
bounty
?” Andrew’s voice rises on the last word. I don’t blame him for freaking out.

The lich shrugs. “It’s a common practice for an uncommon situation.” He turns to me. “Isis, I’d like you to come with us.”

Huh? “Why?”

“You are immune to mesmerizing,” he says. “I’d like to see just how good you are.”

“Against a Master Vampire?” I blurt. “Are you crazy?”

“Not against a Master, Isis. Against
the
Master. He mesmerizes without intent,” Nacelles says. “That’s why he remains underground and his food supply is brought to him. If he ventured into the night, there’d be a whole city full of mindless zombies. Not your kind of zombie, just people without free will or thought.”

I sigh. “Fine. So when do we leave?”

“Immediately,” Nacelles says. “The longer we delay, the more likely your friend will die.”

All I want to do is rest. I’m still beyond exhausted, but I guess there’s no rest for the undead. At least, not tonight.

“I will remain here,” Maxx states. “I do not care for most vampires.”