One Moment (20 page)

I thought of the scratchy gray wool that had once been a part of my great-grandmother’s Sunday dress.

“Just like Joey. If you look closely enough, there are pieces of him that you probably don’t care for. Pieces of him that, since his death, you’re seeing for the first time. Pieces that might be ripped or torn. Imperfections. Ugliness. And that’s okay.”

“But what if, when I look really close up, I realize those small pieces that I don’t like, all the imperfections, are bigger than the whole of him that I thought I loved?”

“Then you do what you would do if he were still alive. You let go.” Dr. Guest looked at me with very sad eyes. “And you move on.”

“But I don’t want to. Joey, he is”—I sucked in a deep breath—“
was
everything to me.”

“That’s how people get into trouble, Maggie.” Dr. Guest pressed her lips together. Then she let out a big sigh. “I sense that something has changed since we last spoke. You want to fill me in?”

I thought about letting the words spill into the room. But I couldn’t say them yet, so I just shook my head.

“It’s important for you to allow yourself to feel whatever you need to feel right now. Get angry. Cry. Scream if you have to. Move through this in the way that suits you best, and don’t worry about Joey. He’ll come back to you, even if it feels like you don’t know him right now. You know, deep down, that you knew him very well.”

But I didn’t. I didn’t know that at all. And that scared me more than anything.

“So, how do I remember?” I asked. “All the stuff that I left at the cliff. How do I go back and find it?”

“You reclaimed a memory the first time you were here. Have you remembered anything more?”

“I try every day,” I said. “I sit by myself and concentrate on being there, on seeing and feeling and hearing everything that happened.”

“And?”

I threw my hands in the air. “Nothing! All I get is the stuff I never lost, or the few flashes that have already come back.”

Dr. Guest looked to the floor, shook her foot a few times, and then looked right at me. “I want you to think back to the times the memories have returned. Tell me about what you were doing, where you were. We need to find your trigger.”

I almost laughed. Adam had been tied to almost every single memory that had come back to me. And Adam was gone now. But I wasn’t about to get into all of that.

“It’s pretty random. They kind of flash into my head, like lightning. One second they’re gone. And the next second they’re back. But each time it’s happened, someone has been there with me.”

“You’ve had none when you were focusing alone? When you’re actively trying to access those memories, they stay in the dark?”

“Right.”

“Well, if what you want to do is to remember, and by the way, in my professional opinion that would be best, I have one question.”

“Okay. Shoot.”

“Do you think maybe you should stop trying so hard?”

I sat there speechless. Dr. Guest shrugged her shoulders.

“That’s so simple,” I said.

“It might just work.”

“And you get paid
how much
for this?”

Dr. Guest tipped her head back and laughed. I realized that I’d never heard her happy, only concerned, and the change was nice.

“Okay, then.” Dr. Guest plopped her pad on the table, the pen scooting across the page of squares. “Here’s your homework. You’re going to give yourself a break. Just relax and stop focusing so much on the memories. Live your life. Spend time with your friends. Wait and see what happens.”

I sat there thinking that her advice could be applied to many areas of my life. The missing memories, obviously. And Adam. Sweet Adam, who had changed so much. Pushing him was the worst idea I had ever had. But Dr. Guest’s homework might help me handle my frustration over how to deal with Shannon. I had been unsure how to confront her, trying to come up with some grand plan that would end with her explaining everything in a way that made all the pain disappear and that, at the same time, might bring us all back together again.

Since that would never happen now, I figured I had nothing to lose. I deserved a break. And it just might be my turn to be unpredictable and go a little crazy for once.

17

The Earth Spinning Beneath Me

I stared at the flames of the bonfire, watching them leap and dive in front of me, my fingers wrapped tightly around a bumpy stick as the fire licked the sides of the marshmallow I was roasting. I felt hazy, like I was only half there. It had nothing to do with alcohol—I’d only had a few swigs from Tanna’s special Fourth of July mug, just to keep her from asking questions about why I’d been so quiet lately. It had worked. She was sitting next to me on a knotted log, singing along with a bunch of people as Pete played Jason Mraz’s “I’m Yours” on his guitar.

It had started thirty-eight days ago, the dreamy fog I’d been swimming through. Since Joey’s death, life had been swirling by in swatches of color, waves of sound, thunderous moments of truth. And it was all out of my control. I knew it was up to me to regain some kind of order. But I wasn’t sure how. So I kept treading, ever so lightly, through each moment and into the next.

But then the marshmallow fell. Slid right off the end of that stupid stick. And everything that I’d been trying to hold together leaped right after it, directly into those writhing flames.

“Maggie!” Shannon squealed from a few feet away. “I just told you we’re almost out of marshmallows.”

I watched the marshmallow bubble and fizz from its place in the ashes, a blue flame melting it into a goopy mess.

“Here.” Shannon stepped around the fire and plopped down beside me, holding out the near-empty bag of marshmallows. “
One
more chance.”

People were all around, sitting on lawn chairs circling the fire, waiting for the fireworks to start as they roasted their own marshmallows to perfection. A shout came from a cluster of people bunched around the game of beer pong set up on Shannon’s back porch. Everyone was at ease with Shannon’s parents out of town, savoring the music, the fire, and the summer night.

Everyone except for me. I batted Shannon’s hand away, nearly toppling the fresh marshmallow to the ground. “I’m good.”

Tanna whipped her head around, her hair flicking me in the face. “What’s wrong with you?”

“Whaddo you mean?” I asked, trying to tear my eyes away from the flames.

“You live for s’mores, Maggie. Don’t try and tell me nothing’s wrong.”

“You really need to ask?” I flashed her a warning just-leave-me-alone look. She might have taken the hint. If it wasn’t for Shannon.

“Yeah. Something’s
definitely
up. I thought it was just me. But then I watched you totally blow Pete off earlier tonight.”

“I didn’t blow Pete off,” I said, trying to keep my voice steady, my eyes away from her face, because I knew very well that I had. I’d been so surprised to see Adam round the corner of Shannon’s house, I’d turned away from Pete and practically run. I hadn’t seen Adam since the creek, more than a week ago, and I had no idea what I was supposed to say to him. Or anyone else, for that matter.

Pete stopped playing and turned to us, his lips parted like he wanted to say something, but he kept quiet.

“Pete was in the middle of a sentence and you just walked away.” Shannon gave me a little snort. I wanted to claw at her perfect little throat. But that image made me think of Joey’s lips, his warm breath, his tongue, all tracing their way up to her pretty pink lips. My whole body started to shake with a fresh rush of anger.

“You
have
been acting a little off lately,” Tanna said, tipping her head to the side and gazing at me like she was thinking that if she stared long enough maybe the real me would come through.

I rolled my eyes. “You think?” I asked. “Not like there’s a reason for me acting differently or anything.”

From the corner of my eye, I saw Shannon looking at me with the same intensity. She leaned forward, her hair falling over her shoulder. “Oh. My. God. You remembered, didn’t you?”

I looked at her then, the way her eyes had lit up, glinting in the flickering light of the fire.

“You remembered what happened at the top of the cliff.” Shannon’s eyes locked on mine. “Tell me the truth, Maggie.”

Her words made me laugh. It was a sick sound that burst from me before I could contain it. And it brought Adam over from the shadows of the trees, his face creased with concern.

“What’s going on?” he asked.

I stood and swiveled around, facing him. “Shannon thinks I remembered something from the cliff top.”

Then Shannon stood, shoulders pulled back, chin up, her face a tight mask of anger. “I’m telling you, I’ve felt it all along.
Something
happened up there.”

“What happened between me and Joey at the top of that cliff is none of your business, Shannon.”

“The hell it isn’t.” Shannon looked right at me, her eyes harder than I had ever seen them. Meaner and more accusing than when she called Nick Hadley out for stealing Pete’s guitar back in eighth grade. “Why didn’t you jump, too?” Shannon asked. “How come it was only him?”

“
I don’t remember
,” I said, my words shaking with a fresh wave of anger. How could she stand there and accuse me after everything she’d done?

“He was all twisted up, Maggie. Bent backward,” Shannon said, her voice dropping. “Like he didn’t get the right start. Which makes no sense, because he’s jumped that cliff about a thousand times since eighth grade.”

“It was an
accident
.” Pete shook his head. “He was crazy-stupid sometimes. We all know that. And no matter how much we talk through this, I don’t think we’re going to get the answers we’re after.”

“We might.” Shannon shrugged, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear and tipping her head my way. “If only she would
remember
something.”

“Shannon, that’s enough!” Tanna stood and placed a hand on my shoulder. “We’re all freaking out here. You can’t blame Maggie any more than the rest of us. We were drinking. And Joey? He was the kind of guy who would take a walk in the park and find a way to make it reckless. This whole thing is a terrible tragedy, Shan. But the only person to blame is Joey.”

“Guys,” Pete said, “Joey would
not
like what’s happening right now.”

“But why aren’t we asking more questions?” Shannon asked. “Why haven’t we—”

“What, exactly, are you accusing me of?” I asked, my entire body tingling. I felt disconnected from everything. The scene unfolding in front of me wasn’t reality. It couldn’t be.

“I think you have a secret—something you don’t want
anyone
to know—about what happened up there on the cliff.” Shannon’s words exploded into the dark night.

“Oh, now here we go. Let’s dig in, shall we?” I clapped my hands together and stepped closer to Shannon. “I find it ironic that
you’re
accusing
me
of having a secret. You have one of your own, don’t you, Shan?”

The anger in Shannon’s eyes flared and then flashed into something that looked like fear. “What are you talking about?”

I swiveled, walked around the fire’s edge, and yanked Shannon’s purse from under her lawn chair. I was pissed at myself for leaving the photo album at home. I’d thought about bringing it but was worried that having it close would make me want to attack Shannon. And earlier, I hadn’t been ready to face her. Because facing her meant everything I’d had with Joey would be all the way over. And everything we’d all had together, that would be over, too.

When I turned, Adam was there. “You don’t want to do this, Maggie,” he said, his voice a shaky whisper.

“Yes,” I said, “I do.”

“Here?” Adam swept a hand in the air, indicating all the people standing around, clutching beers and staring. “With all these people watching?”

“Why the hell not? They’re gonna find out anyway, the way rumors fly in this town. Some of ’em probably already know.” I shrugged, turned, and pressed my way back to the fire before I lost my nerve. Shannon’s mouth dropped open as I yanked at the zipper of her purse and turned the bag upside down, toppling nearly the entire contents on the grass before my fingers wrapped around her phone. Adam came up from behind and stood at my side. It felt good to have him there, almost normal, but I worried that he’d try to stop me before I was through.

“I was just wondering,” I fumbled around, pressing buttons to find the messages, ducking away from Shannon as she leaped toward me, grabbing for her phone.

“Wait,” she said. “You have no right—”

“
I
have no right?” I laughed, tipping my head back toward the heat of the flames. “Now that’s funny. Almost as funny as you asking me to tell you the truth.”

Pete rushed up from behind me and grabbed my arm. “Guys. Enough, okay?”

“No. I don’t think so.” I stared at Shannon, not even trying to wiggle loose from Pete’s firm grip.

Tanna moved closer, trying to get between Shannon and me. “What the hell is going on here?”

Shannon’s eyes flickered between me and Tanna and Pete and Adam.

“What’s the matter, Shan? Wondering how much I know? Trying to figure out which parts to reveal?” I stepped toward her. Held the phone in the air between us, the string of text messages a wall that would divide us for the rest of time. “It’s over, Shannon. I know everything.”

Shannon swiped the phone from my hand and looked at the lines of text. “Fine,” she said. “It was me.”

“What was you?” Tanna asked. “Somebody tell me what’s going on.”

“I’d love a clue, too,” Pete said, his hand dropping from my arm.

“The night of Dutton’s party, when Joey didn’t go home, that’s because he spent the night with Shannon.” I crossed my arms over my chest, looking right at Shannon. I wondered if she’d admit everything. The sick truth is that I almost wanted her to deny it, so I could still hold on to a tiny slice of hope that my Joey was the real Joey.

“What?” Tanna asked.

“Whoa,” Pete looked from Shannon to me and back again. “Why didn’t you just tell us?”