One Voice 02 - Here Without You (12 page)

And if I thought the dream was fucked up, it wasn’t nothin’ compared to the feelin’s goin’ on in my brain when I was lyin’ there in bed, after the dream. I felt like I was all alone on a faraway planet, freezin’ cold but sweatin’ my ass off. Go figure. I was so damned sure I was gonna barf, I got outta bed and grabbed my trash can so I could hang on to it just in case.

Had to ask myself what the fuck was goin’ on with me. I didn’t miss the fact that just two years before, I was alone and I was cool with it. Cuz my natural way is to be a loner. Now I was practically cryin’ cuz I missed two guys so fuckin’ much.

When I woke up at two and couldn’t get back to sleep for all the tryin’ I did, there wasn’t nothin’ else for me to do than think. And question shit.

Are Casey and Zander actually gonna wait for me for four friggin’ years?

Am I gonna end up alone and with a broken heart, worse even than when Mom got hauled off to jail?

Next thing I did was think about the topic Casey and Zander had made me promise I’d think on.

Is Uncle Rich gonna beat the livin’ crap outta me every other week from now
’
til Cindy’s high school graduation?

Is there gonna be anything left of me to be with Casey and Zander?

More important than that, even—
is Cindy safe livin’ here? Can I really protect her from Uncle Rich? And is Zander right? Is something freaky goin’ on in Cindy’s head that makes her need to see a shrink so she grows up to be some sort of normal?

I thought about our situation with Uncle Rich for a long while. First off, I knew there was no talkin’ it all out with Rich. He’s not the listenin’ sort of dude. He’s rash and gets pissed off real easy. Comin’ to any sort of an agreement with him is just not gonna happen.

For now at least, I can protect her just fine as long as I’m home when them two is home together, and I never let them two be alone without me for more than five minutes. If Cindy has to be here alone for a little while when I’m at work, she’ll have to stay in her room and keep her trap shut. I’m gonna make her promise it as soon as she wakes up in the morning.

But outta respect for Casey and Zander, I’m decidin’ on one more thing. I’ll look around and see if there’s another place for Cindy to live. A home where she’ll be welcome and safe and where I’ll be able to see her whenever I want.

Shit. It’s nearly morning already, and Uncle Rich is screamin’ bloody murder in the kitchen. Better go downstairs and see what’s got him so pissed off.

C
ASEY
’
S
REAL
LIFE

I
WAS
at the library, yet again. But there’s an excellent reason for that—it’s almost time for midterms, and I have my work cut out for me. I chose a heavy course load because I want to double major in bio and maybe statistics. I wanted to get the core requirements out of the way as soon as possible so I’d have time to take a few classes for enjoyment senior year.

I knew I needed to study a lot, except during the Student Involvement Day event in the quad on Saturday. So I was okay with the fact that Nate couldn’t come down this weekend, but at the same time, I also knew Zander was bitterly disappointed about it. He really wanted both of us there for One Voice’s first big day as a club at BCC. But he controlled his disappointment valiantly when we spoke to Nate on the phone.

I had to study until my brain swelled up, so I probably wouldn’t have been too much fun for Nate to hang out with anyway. But I wasn’t happy or relaxed about Nate’s claim that he couldn’t come down because he couldn’t find a place for Cindy to stay. I had a strong feeling, like an instinct, that things weren’t right with Nate. I hoped Rich hadn’t beaten him up again.

I closed my notebook and placed my computer in my messenger bag. The library had a coffee shop on the bottom floor, and since I’d already been at the library for two hours, I thought I’d earned an iced latte. And I was going to call Nate. I wanted to get in touch with him before Zander arrived at the library as I thought Nate might feel less ganged up on if only one of us were asking questions.

Once I had my coffee and was sitting on one of the comfortable couches in the lobby, I placed the call to Nate.

“Casey?”

“Yes, it’s me, Nate. Hi.”

“This ain’t our regular time to talk.”

“Maybe I just wanted to hear your voice, sweetheart.” I tried not to feel insulted by the lack of a greeting.

There was a moment of silence. “Uh… yeah. It’s sure good to hear from ya, babe.” His mouth sounded like it was stuffed full of cotton balls.

Not only that, but his tone of voice was controlled, even guarded. “Well, I’m just checking in. I wondered if you’d given what we talked about last Friday night any thought.”

“Sure have. Thought on it in bed a couple of nights back.”

“And?”

“And what?”

I sighed, thinking how similar discussing this topic with Nate was to pulling teeth. “Did you come to any conclusions?”

Predictably, there was another extended silence.

“Nate, sweetie, talk to me… please.” I was essentially begging, but I didn’t care. “You and Cindy aren’t safe living with Rich. You know it, and I know it, and Zander knows it.”

“I’m on speaker, ain’t I? Zander’s listening in… gonna pounce on me any second. And I ain’t in the mood for that shit.”

I fought the tears that instantly sprung into my eyes at his bitter tone. “No, Zander isn’t listening in. I’m in the library, alone.”

“Shit. Sorry, man.”

This time I was the quiet one.

“Look, Casey. I thought on it. I’m keepin’ my eyes open for another place where Cindy can live, that I know is safe for her and where she’d be happy at.”

“What about your Aunt Terri’s house?”

I knew he was nodding and I could picture his long hair bouncing up and down on his shoulders. “That’s a real possibility. But I’m gonna have Cindy spend a few more weekends there. Make sure she likes it and that Aunt Terri gets to know her and like her… y’know, before I bring it up.”

I smiled. This was the furthest we’d ever gotten in one of these conversations. “That’s great, Nate. Thank you for taking our concerns so seriously. Now tell me why you sound like you’re talking with a wad of cotton in your mouth.” It wasn’t
that
early. Nate should sound more awake. He’d have to be at work in forty-five minutes.

The ensuing silence told me everything. More than I wanted to know but certainly what I
needed
to know. And pretty much exactly what I’d suspected.

“He beat you up again, didn’t he?”

More silence, which basically added up to a “Yeah.”

“How bad is it this time?”

Nate’s voice emerged from the silence, deep and rumbly. “Not too bad, babe.”

My battle against tears was lost. “Tell… tell me.”

“Ain’t nothin’, ’kay?” He cleared his throat. “It’s like this. He came home late a couple nights ago, pissed off that I parked in his spot.”

“Nate….”

“I’d been sleepin’ mostly, and thinkin’ some, when I heard him screamin’. Went downstairs to check it out and—.”

“He hit you in the mouth?”

“A few times. Got a loose-ish tooth. On the side. Little bit of swellin’. No biggie.”

I swallowed hard. “This is
not
okay, Nate. What’s happening to you is not okay.”

“I know it… but don’t tell Zander, ’kay? He don’t need to worry, and he gets so riled up it’s hard for me to deal with and shit. I got this—no worries.”

I sobbed. Thankfully it was still pretty early, and the library lobby wasn’t too crowded. “You don’t ‘got this.’ I’m telling Zander. There are three of us in this, and there will be no secrets.” I took a deep breath in an effort to calm myself. “You know that.”

“Whatever.” He exhaled heavily.

“Do you need to see a dentist, Nate?” He had no dental insurance, so I was ready to offer whatever help he needed.

“Nah. Tooth seems to be tightening back up.”

Well, that little piece of news nearly killed me. “Just come here this weekend and bring Cindy.”

I heard a loud exhale of breath. “No can do, dude. Cindy got her first high school dance on Saturday night. Told her I’d drive her. Can’t let her down.”

It was my turn to breathe out noisily. “Then next weekend—definitely. It’s a three-day weekend, and we want you with us. So start looking now for a place for Cindy to stay.”

“Done. Your wish is my command.”

“Right.” It came out sounding sarcastic, but I didn’t care.

“It’ll be okay, Casey. I got this.”

I stood up, knowing a trip to the men’s room was in order before I got back to studying. I had to wash the tears off my face, at a minimum. “I love you, Nate. Stay away from Rich, please.”

“I promise I’ll keep clear of him, best I can.”

“We’ll Skype you tonight, right after dinner.”

“If you’re gonna Skype me, maybe you better prepare Zander for what you guys’re gonna see. My mouth, y’know.”

I gasped. It was against my will, as I was doing my best to play it cool, but the sound escaped nonetheless. “Nate….”

“No worries, babe. I got this.”

It was as if by repeating “I got this” Nate could convince himself, and me, that he actually had the situation under control—which he clearly didn’t.

Z
ANDER
Z
ANE
’
S
One Voice Blog Spot—by invite only

Your host, Zander Z

***
Part I. Personal shit – not for public

Hey, Dan.

For a little while at least, I think I’m gonna divide my posts. I can’t focus on my public One Voice blog if I haven’t gotten my personal shit off my chest. So since you’re my only loyal follower at this point, I’ll devote the start of each post to what’s going on personally and then shift into One-Voice-business mode.

But before I unload my problems, I want to say thank you. Thanks for calling the other night. Thanks for assuring me that you’ll always love who I love. Knowing that you love Casey and Nate—that the fact that there are
two people
who mean the world to me isn’t something you’d even blink at—was exactly what I needed to hear from my big bro.
Exactly
.

You’re really more than a brother to me. Let’s face it—you helped raise me. I look up to you and want to make you proud. Knowing that my choices are cool in your eyes is vital. Okay—end of mushiness now. But thank you.

Things with Nate are just as complicated as usual. He’s been getting the shit beat outta him by his uncle on a fairly regular basis, and he won’t do anything to stop it. He just takes it. Nate’s philosophy seems to be that as long as Uncle Rich isn’t messing with Cindy, then everything’s cool. But he’s so wrong. Casey and I know this. He may even know it, deep down. He says he’s trying to figure out another place where she can live while she finishes high school, but he doesn’t seem to be in any kind of rush.

Someday soon, D-man, the shit is gonna hit the fan at the DeMarco house. And I’m fucking worried about it. My biggest fear is that Rich will—fuck, it’s hard to write this—maybe even
kill
Nate. He’ll maybe get carried away in a beating and not stop until it’s too late. I’ve seen Rich in action. And even though Nate could kick his ass, he just doesn’t fight back.

I love the dude. Casey loves the dude. We need him to be here in Boston with us where we know he’s safe. It’s hard as hell to concentrate on my classes and my goals for One Voice when I’m consumed with worry about Nate’s safety.

Our goal is to get him to stay here for the long Columbus Day weekend. Show him how awesome it would be if he lived with us. The second he agrees to moving to Boston, Casey and I have agreed we’re gonna try to move out of our dorm and into a one-bedroom apartment with Nate.

***P
ART
II
. One Voice business.

The day after tomorrow is Student Involvement Day, where all of the school’s clubs line up along the paved walkway in the quad and try to recruit new members. One Voice will be there. Our table is located right between the BCC Acoustics Club and Recreational Cooking at the City College (RCACC). With at least three volunteers staffing the table all day, gourmet cookies and whoopie pies, Lady Gaga music, and rainbow flags, my hope is that we get ten more members by the end of the day. So wish us luck.

12

N
ATE
’
S
D
IARY

October 1

R
IGHT
NOW
,
pretty much exactly, Casey and Zander are at Student Involvement Day, sittin’ at a rainbow-covered table in the quad with the One Voice sign stuck in the grass in front of it. It’s nighttime now, so they’re probably wearin’ their BCC sweatshirts, snugglin’ together to stay warm, eatin’ Britta’s chocolate chip snickerdoodle cookies, probably all tired out from playin’ on the lawn with the rainbow Frisbee and gettin’ down to Lady Gaga tunes.

And I’m here at home, guardin’ Cindy from my asshole Uncle Rich.

Nursin’ a brand new fat lip I just got courtesy of the asshole before I dropped Cindy off at her dance, cuz he said, since she didn’t do the fuckin’ dishes, she shouldn’t be allowed to go. Course, I stood up to him, told him the girl was goin’ to her goddammed dance, and he laid me out flat on the kitchen floor. Took her to the friggin’ dance anyhow.

This
so
sucks.

Just miss them two so bad.

Wish like hell I was down at BCC, helpin’ to recruit new volunteers for the One Voice Club. It’s the right thing to do, and it’d make Zander real happy.

This sucks.

I know one thing. I ain’t goin’ back home ’til after the damn dance. Not too excited to meet up with Uncle Rich and his overactive fists. Maybe I’ll just go over to the minimart and shoot the shit with Missy ’til I gotta go pick up Cindy at Benjamin Franklin High School.