Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships (26 page)

Nonmonogamy veterans recognize NRE. They know it's a phase that will
eventually pass, and many just ride it out. Even the most experienced
among us can feel frustrated when a partner is caught up in the dizzying world of a new fling or relationship. The key to maintaining your sanity is patience. Allow the person who is in NRE the freedom to ride
the high, but caution him against making any significant decisions
during this period. Remind him that he has other commitments and not
to neglect them for this new person. A common conflict occurs when the
partner of the person who is head over heels attempts to offer an objective perspective, perhaps expressing concerns about the new person.
This partner is grounded, experienced, and can see drama coming from
a mile away The fool for love can't see anything negative and accuses his
partner of being jealous and possessive. This is why its important to
know when you're in the midst of an NRE haze. Leslie talks about the
dangers of telling a partner about her concerns regarding a new person:

[It's difficult to let] a primary partner date someone you suspect
is not good for them, for your primary relationship, or [who]
might not be poly. [It's difficult to] let them make what you think
are relationship mistakes and to express your concerns about these
relationships without triggering defensiveness. A person in NRE
will greatly defend their new love. Many of us married polys have
been in the position of having our concerns dismissed, or being
criticized for having them in the first place, only to later have our
spouse admit we were right to be concerned. This is hard, because
it means you are against a new love of theirs, and that places strain
on your primary relationship at a time when they are swimming
in strong emotions. The concerned primary has to communicate
carefully and as respectfully as possible, and the primary in NRE
has to listen without dismissing, criticizing, or assuming it's just
their spouse's problem. The concerned spouse also has to greatly
self-analyze themselves to make sure their concerns are valid and
they are not just acting out of their own insecurities in the face of
their partner's strong NRE. It's cloudy, fuzzy, emotional.

When Violet's partner Ron got involved with someone new, his
behavior troubled her, but she decided not to freak out:

Violet: With Lila, all sorts of new relationship energy was really
coming out in a way that hadn't with anybody else I'd ever seen.
You were kind of manic. It made me feel a little insecure. You
acted differently. It seemed very strange and it was a little threatening. I could tell you were really gaga over this person. I was, at
that point, in my denial thing: I don't know what's going on here.
I better just leave it alone and do my own thing. And whatever
happens, happens.

Ron: In fact what I got from you was an amazing amount of
support to pursue [the relationship with Lila]. I knew you were
feeling fear, but I didn't get demands for reassurance, or promises that nothing bad was going to happen, or anything else.
And that allowed that relationship to take its own particular
trajectory-into the brick wall. There's a way in which you can
imagine pressure from someone else will make things work differently. And in this case the relationship did probably what both
Lila and I knew it was going to do, which was to crash and burn.

In the end, Ron's new relationship was destined to "crash and burn,"
but Violet's willingness to step back from the situation and be patient,
despite her concerns, meant that it didn't cause conflict in their
relationship.

If you're the one experiencing NRE, acknowledge that it's happening and be aware of the crazy state you're in. Pay close attention to
your existing partners and relationships: be conscious not to neglect
them or take them for granted, and be sensitive to how they feel.
Channel your newfound burst of love and energy to benefit all your
relationships, not just the new one. Don't make significant decisions in
the throes of NRE, such as: Let's move in together! I'll lend you $1,000!
Let's start a business together! I want to move across the country! Take
a deep breath and remember there's plenty of time to make major life changes later. Listen to your loved ones. Remember that you have your
head up your ass, so if someone who knows you well and loves you
tells you you're acting like a buffoon or headed for trouble, listen.

Raven Kaldera calls NRE the "Shiny New Lover Syndrome" and
points out that it can feed right into another's fear of abandonment:
"Shiny New Lover Syndrome can generate huge arguments, demands,
and conflicts. To the person on the other end, it feels suspiciously like
you've left them, even when you're still there."" Colin learned this firsthand, though the experience helped strengthen his primary relationship
in the end:

When I was involved in my first poly relationship, the first one
outside my marriage, I was really excited about it, and wanting
to do lots of crazy and romantic things. I wanted to go camping
with [my new partner], for instance. My wife was unhappy that
"we never go camping." It was a slow and somewhat painful
process of figuring out how our marriage of five years at the time
had become static and complacent. I value what we learned,
because we have a more active primary relationship now, but it
was very uncomfortable to go through.

As in Colin's story, NRE can be an opportunity to revitalize your
existing relationships. Feeling excited about life again? Sex drive going
through the roof? Reinspired to dust off that guitar and start lessons
again? Take some of your newfound energy and inspiration from the
new relationship and let it spill over into your existing ones. Rather
than get caught up in it, distracted, and focused only on the new
person, if you learn how to channel NRE, it can help you improverather than jeopardize-all your relationships.

While you're busy lavishing yourself all over the new partner,
which is a marvelous and good and fine and lovely thing, make
sure you rub up against your existing partner some too. -Bear

Another thing to be aware of is that NRE is so powerful that some
people act compulsively so they can experience it often. Such people
are always on the prowl, looking for the hot new thing to keep them
constantly in that altered state of bliss. One of my interviewees,
Cheryl, called herself an "NRE junkie," and it's certainly possible for
people to get hooked on the amazing feelings of NRE. Be aware of the
possibility, check your motives for pursuing someone new, and, above
all, use common sense.

The number one difficulty with nonmonogamy cited by the people I
interviewed was time management. You can have an unlimited amount
of love, affection, energy, and emotion to give to people, but there are
only so many hours in a day Add to that other obligations like work,
school, and children, plus the time and cost to travel for long-distance
relationships, and it's a huge challenge in our hectic, fast-paced, overscheduled world. But spending quality time with your partners is
important to nurturing your relationships, so it must be made a priority What's a busy nonmonogamous person to do?

The first step in good time management is to be realistic: know
your priorities and your own limits about what you can and can't do.
Assess your commitments, and don't take on another partner if your
existing partners feel that they don't see you enough. Don't overcommit yourself, and don't forget to schedule time for yourself without any
partners. As a general rule, people who are good at open relationships
are organized. Seriously, you need a calendar, a PDA, scheduling software-whatever it takes to keep track of your life. Nonmonogamous
people must become skilled at scheduling, otherwise it just won't work.

An essential part of scheduling is prioritizing. Decide what is most
important to you (I must go to yoga at least two days a week!) and what
isn't (I will do pottery only if I have some spare time) and schedule accordingly Once it's all on the schedule, stick to it as best you can.
Your time is valuable, and so is other people's. Respect time limits, keep
your dates, and don't cancel at the last minute. That said, you've also got
to be flexible: know that things come up unexpectedly and plans must
change. Along the same lines, realize when you're feeling overwhelmed,
and communicate it. If you're overloaded with stress, you can't have a
very good time on a date. If you need some time off, take it.

When you can't see your partner in person, cultivate other forms
of communication: we've got everything from cell phones and email to
instant messaging and webcams. Some couples even keep up to date
with each other by reading (and commenting on) each other's blogs.
Or you can embrace the retro cool of writing letters and mailing them.
I know people who don't like to talk on the phone and others who hate
instant messages. Find a medium that works best for you and use it to
stay connected to your sweeties.

If you are in a long-term relationship, especially if you live
together, don't take seeing your partner every day for granted. Rushing
around to get the children to school and yourselves to work is not
quality time. Its important to set aside special time for a date for just
the two (or three or four) of you.

Making time for one another has two elements. First, literally you
set aside a specific time to spend together. In their interviews, people
in polyfidelitous relationships talked about making time for each twosome-a strategy anyone with multiple partners can adopt. Leslie makes
sure she goes on dates with each of her two husbands at least once a
week, and sleeps with each twice a week. Like many interviewees,
Shawn has an official weekly "date night" with each of his triad partners.

The other element of making time for one another is making that
time meaningful. Make it intentional and dedicated. This is not about
the number of times per month you see each other, but about the
quality of the interaction between you, and the frame of mind you're
in. Elizabeth and her primary partner discovered that the key to a successful date night is not seeing (or having intense interactions with)
other lovers on that day She says it helps keep them focused on each
other. For Jesse, it's about being aware of his time so he can be present:
"I can't reasonably be expected to erase my head space-when I'm
with a lover, for instance, and thinking about another. What I can do,
however, is be responsible to my needs for alone time, time spent in
between lovers, so that when I'm next in a sexual situation I can be
[more] present for the person I'm with." Duke says he tries to plan for
certain nights with one partner and stick with them. "It means you
never have to give anyone the impression of `deciding' whom you
would rather spend your evening with... But also bear in mind that
for a while, every time you have to say `No, I have plans that evening,'
it's going to sting someone."

In addition to spending romantic and sexual time together, it's a
good idea for people who run a household with multiple partners to
hold regular meetings to keep things running smoothly. Use this time
to address both practical matters-bills, financial planning, household
chores, travel schedules-and emotional ones-unresolved tension, miscommunication, or an issue that needs to be discussed with everyone.
Audrey's triad has monthly meetings: "It's a forum where we're all
coming to the table willing to accept criticism and discuss whatever's
important to everyone else... It is really one of the cornerstones that
make our day-to-day relationship successful. Instead of bringing up
grievances whenever they just pop into our heads, and everyone's tired
and hungry and irritated, this way we all know it's coming, we all prepare for it, and we always have dinner." Ed is in a V triad with his wife,
Leslie, and co-husband, Colin: "One of us acts as 'secretary'-we type
up the minutes and pass them around, particularly for agreements, as
our memories tend to differ and get worse over time."

If you feel that house meetings, planned date nights, and a sleeping
schedule are not romantic or spontaneous, I say: get over it. Good time
management is a reality that people in open relationships must face.

Just as good communication is a key component of a successful open
relationship, miscommunication is a common cause of conflict. Miscommunication can occur for any number of reasons, even when both parties
have good intentions and believe they're on the same page. A common
communication pitfall is failing to be specific enough in discussions.
People often assume that however they phrase their thoughts, the other
person knows exactly what they mean, but this is not always the case. For
example, let's say j and K are in a committed relationship and have casual
sex mates on the side; they agree that they won't do anything romantic
with their fuck buddies. J goes to lunch with one of her flings and tells K
about it; K becomes upset: "We said don't do anything romantic, then you
go and have lunch with her." J responds, "But it was lunch, not dinner.
And it was at a diner!" J thinks of it as a meal between friends and doesn't consider it romantic. The lesson here? Rather than say "I prefer that
you don't do romantic things with your sex mates," say "I prefer that you
don't have meals or go to movies or the theater with your sex mates."

Becca's primary partner told her it was okay for her to play with
other people at BDSM clubs, but when she did and he saw caning
marks on her butt, he wasn't happy "It was one of those 'Go-I am
totally okay with it'... [Then] he had a hugely negative reaction to
seeing physical evidence of someone else's ...um...fun." They made an
agreement that she could play with others as long as she didn't come
home with marks on her body.

Ginger and her husband, who are kinky and polyamorous,
recently faced a huge challenge when Ginger wanted to have a male
partner, which caught her husband completely off guard. Ginger says: