OtherSide Of Fear (Outside The Ropes #3) (17 page)

She rotated the thing she held in me, the waves on the screen changing to dark and light spots. “All right, now we’re getting somewhere.” She shifted again. “See that little bean like thing on the screen? That’s a baby.”

My heart stopped. I couldn’t pull my eyes away from the screen, although a part of me was screaming not to look. I could see it. I think.

“And it’s got a nice strong heartbeat.” She moved her free hand to the screen, pointing to the light that flickered fast and constant. “Right there. Amazing, right?” She sounded in awe, even if she saw these things everyday.

Tears were building behind my eyes, my heart cracking and crumbling. This should be amazing. It was amazing. This baby didn’t deserve to be inside me, it deserved someone better. Someone who would put it at the center of every decision.

“Everything looks healthy. You’re measuring at eight weeks, two days.”

My breath stopped. “Eight weeks.”

“Yes, let me print this for you and then we’ll figure out that due date.” She clicked a button and the whir of the printer started. Then she pulled the long wand from me and handed me a wipe. “Go ahead, clean up and get dressed. I’ll be right back in to talk.” She stood, reaching to the printer behind her. “Oh and here you go. Congratulations, your first picture.” She smiled, oblivious to, or ignoring, my panic.

I sat in the car out back of the club, trying to build the courage to go in. I gripped the thin photo in my hand, trying to keep firm on my decision. This baby, because it was a baby, with a heartbeat—It was my baby—deserved to be put first.

The epiphany came the moment the doctor left and I stared at the photo. I had been selfish in my thoughts, only caring about what I had with Gage, how our life would change. But there was a life growing in me that needed someone to put it first. It had to be me; I didn’t trust anyone else to do it. And this was one of those times that defined a person. I needed to be strong and make good choices for this baby that couldn’t protect itself. June would be here before I knew it. I needed to start now.

The picture was burning a hole in my pocket as I walked into the club. I had to let Gage know.

A few cleaners moved around the main room, one mopping floors, the other wiping down tables, another buffing the poles.

“Hi Regan,” A bubbly voice called from the bar, one of the girls lining up bottles and restocking needed items. “We need more oranges, the last batch have gone moldy.” She held up a net bag filled with the orange fruit.

“All right.” I nodded, not wasting time to pause and talk as I made my way to Gage’s office.

His door opened and he slid out, eyes widening for a split second when they landed on me. His smile was quick to follow as he pulled the door shut behind him. “I thought I was going to meet you later? You’re supposed to be at home.”

He must have seen something in my face because his smile dropped as he approached me, and he brushed my arm. “Did you just leave the doctors? Is everything okay?”

I couldn’t suck in breath to speak the words I needed to say, but I nodded, looking around the room. “We need to talk.”

His brows slammed down and he gripped my arm. “What’s wrong?”

I pulled from his hold, escaping to his office before the tears started. I didn’t want others to see me cry.

“Wait,” He called to me, his hand re-gripping my arm just as I opened the door.

I almost folded over as Cherry and Ian’s head popped up from leaning over the coffee table. The white powder lines in front of them burned into my vision, but Cherry’s smile sparked anger.

Gage pulled me back to look at him. “I didn’t—”

I spun, charging back in the office. “Get the hell out,” I directed to the two on the couch, pointing my finger out the door.

Ian popped up, folding the case he had the drugs laid on.

Cherry sat back, wiping her nose with a giggle. “Give me a minute.” She fluffed her hair, pulling the long strands over one shoulder and then wiping her fingers under her eyes.

I stepped to her, jaw clenched. “Get. Out. Now.”

Ian stepped in between and Gage’s arm slipped around my waist, pulling me back.

“Listen to her. Leave.” Gage spoke from behind me.

She stood with a strange, tight smile on her red lips. “Fine.” She walked around the three of us, eyeing me with a laugh as she passed. “So touchy. I’ve got to go check on things anyways.”

Ian followed her, pulling her from the door and shutting it as she turned back in to add. “Have fun, Gage.”

Her cackle could be heard from the other side as Ian said something about her being crazy.

I stood in the middle of the office, looking from him to the now empty coffee table, about to erupt.

“Let me explain.”

I shoved his chest as he got close to me. “Explain what? That quitting’s so fucking hard? That you’re trying? That you’ll do better next time?”

His hands were quick to grab me again, gripping each of my shoulders. “I didn’t use.”

I struggled in his arms, not caring what he said.

“Listen to me,” his voice was loud and sharp, breaking through my anger with a jerk of my body. “Look at me,” he said softer, and I met his eyes. “I didn’t use. I didn’t. I left them here to do that on their own. You saw that. I was leaving when you got here.”

I looked him over. He looked clear-eyed and focused, professional in his dark slacks and button up.

“I didn’t use. I’d tell you if I did. I told you, I’m trying to be honest with you.”

“I hate her.” There was my honesty.

He nodded, pulling me into his arms. “I know. And soon I won’t be anywhere near her. In the meantime, I’ll deal with her as little as possible.” His hands moved up and down my back. “Trust me.”

I did trust him. But it didn’t matter, this all just reinforced what I had been thinking, what I knew. This wasn’t any sort of life for a baby.

My hands went to my pocket, gripping the secret I was keeping. I pulled the thin picture out. It shook as I pressed it to his chest, and my tears blurred my eyes as my heart dropped to my stomach.

He let me go, his hand soft as he took the photo from me, his brows creasing as he looked at it. Then he looked back up at me, eyes wide with questions and my answers tumbled out.

“If it were only about me, I’d stick by you. I love you so much; I’d stay through anything. But…” my hand lifted to the picture in his hand. “It’s not just me anymore. I’m pregnant.” The words were wrapping around my lungs, squeezing them, killing the determination in them. Killing me. I spoke faster to get it all out. “I’m eight weeks. And I’ve got to put my baby first. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t be in this. The drugs and violence. My baby—”

“Stop talking.” He was looking at the photo, grip tight, lines deep as his jaw flexed.

I swallowed and silence settled over us.

But I needed to say the one thing I should have started with. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean for—”

“Enough.” His blue eyes blazed into me. “I said, stop talking.”

He took a deep breath and stepped towards me, holding the picture out. “This isn’t your baby. It’s
our
baby.”

My breath released in a shudder, his words taking some of the weight in the pit of my stomach. Tears escaped down my cheek, but I didn’t dare let myself give in completely.

“This isn’t something you need to apologize to me for. This is something we did. Our baby. We decide. Together. You don’t get to make these decisions on your own. So stop talking, because I know what you were saying. But this isn’t a time for you to run off on your own because that’s our baby, and I will be there for it. For you.” He stepped towards me, fingertips hesitant on my stomach as he breathed, “Our baby.”

When he lifted his eyes to mine, they were no longer clear but shiny with emotion and uncertainty. “I’m going to be a good father Regan. Let me. Promise me.”

I couldn’t and he saw that. He dropped his hands, stepping back, hurt lining his eyes and face.

“I’m scared,” I forced the words out. His pain hurt me, making me speak. “I don’t want to do this without you. But—” I took short gasps, not wanting to think about leaving. “How?”

He shook his head. “We’ll figure that out together. Together, Regan. Say it.”

His hands cupped my face, thumbs brushing away my tears. “I’ll keep you both safe. I promise. Please.”

His warm touch and soft plea washed away the weak resolve I had come in with. I never had a chance of leaving him, my heart beat for him, and he owned my soul. A baby didn’t change that, it was proof of it.

WE STOOD IN THE MIDDLE OF HIS office, holding each other as if we’d blow away otherwise. And maybe I would have. He held me to him, keeping me, and my thoughts, in place.

“It’s going to be okay. You’ll see we can do this. Our baby will be loved; he’ll have a good life. We can give him a good life.” His words kept going, probably reassuring himself as much as he was reassuring me.

He pulled back, looking down at me with a shaky smile. “Talk to me, tell me you believe me. Tell me you won’t leave. Take back what you said earlier.” His words strained and grip tightened with every syllable, the end more of a demand than request.

I shook my head and closed my eyes as I pressed myself to him. If I spoke, it would come out in sobs, releasing the well of tears I was holding back.

“What does that mean?” his voice was a desperate whisper, his cheek pressed to the top of my head as his arms tightened. “Please. Regan. You have to say something.”

And the moment I tried, the dam broke and I was shaking in his arms. An overwhelming relief flooded out of me, limitless sadness as well.

It seemed there was no good choice to make, I only hoped I was making the best one. Really, it was the only one. I didn’t know how to live without him anymore, I didn’t even want to try.

At some point, he moved me to the couch and cradled me to his chest, holding me until I could breathe again. By the time I could speak, his shirt was soaked and my face was slick with tears. My thoughts were less jumbled but no less scary. Only now, I at least was certain of my path.

He waited with an empty expression, something I’d only seen rarely from him, but I knew it meant he was terrified.

I picked up his hand, tracing the lines of his palm so I didn’t have to look into his hollow eyes; they looked like the ghost of the man I loved. “I can’t leave you.”

“Thank God.” He choked on his voice, body deflating as he pulled me into him. His fingers slid through my hair, down my back. His cheek pressed to mine, skin absorbing both our tears. Then our lips found each other, moving like puzzle pieces finding their fit.

He spoke into my lips, “I love you and our baby.”

I kissed him back, pulling his neck to keep him pressed to me, and I gathered my strength and pushed down my fear.

When we parted, he was smiling, a small smile, but still. His own fears seemed to have disappeared and that light was back in his eyes.

“We can do this” He gripped my waist, breathless, and on the verge of excitement. “I— Damn, I don’t even know, but we’ll figure it out.” He leaned back on the couch, pulling me with him. His chest rose and fell with his deep breaths.

“This is going to change things. A lot has to change.” I spoke even, staring at the coffee table in front of us instead of looking at him.

“I know.” His arm moved up and down my side. “First thing is, you can’t work here anymore.”

I knew that was coming, but it still stung to know I was being pushed out again. “You won’t be working here much longer anyways, right?”

He nodded. “Once I find a spot for a new club, I can sign it over. I have to prepare Ian for everything, but I can start cutting back my time here and give him more control now.” His other arm circled around me, pulling me closer to him. “I’ll have more time for you.”

Until the new club opened, but I didn’t voice that concern yet. “What about meeting with the real estate agent? I want to still go. You can’t cut me out of everything.”

He gripped me tighter, and I sunk with his chest as he released a breath. “Yeah, that should be okay.”

“Really?” I pulled back to look at him, more excited than I should have been, but I hadn’t expected an easy acceptance.

The corner of his mouth tugged up. “Yeah, this new club will be good for us. You can be involved in the startup when the meeting’s are legit.” He lifted his wrist, checking his Rolex. “We’ve got time, come on.” He rose to his feet as he explained, “We can go see your coach, let him know you can’t fight anymore, and then we’ll go get lunch before we meet with the realtor. My baby needs to eat.”

He was home, he had to be. He’d come into the room hours ago to change, but I had been half asleep.

I was awake now and his side of the bed was still empty. He hadn’t left, had he? Sliding out of bed, I walked down the hall, the light from the next room over let me release the breath I was holding. He was in the home office. The door was silent as I pushed it open, my bare feet almost as quiet. But he looked up from his computer as I entered the doorway, eyes soft and hair a mess from the path his fingers ran through it.

“Babe, come here.” He rolled his chair back, extending his arm to me. “You should be in bed.”

“So should you.” I walked around the desk, into his arm, and he pulled me to sit on his lap. I studied his computer screen. “Still considering that one?”

“It had the best location of the three, but the rents steep. We’d need to get it up and running quick, and then pray like hell it does well. Ms. Wedam said it’d go quick though, so I have to make a decision.” He sighed and turned his head towards me. “You still feeling sick?”

“Not at the moment.” My nausea came and went, without warning. “Weren’t there other investors that could help deflect the start up cost? Only the one showed up on Friday.”

“I don’t want to pull in more. I want this to be us, our thing. Sanjay’s the only person I brought in because his only demands are to approve our location, get VIP when he comes to the place—he already would have anyways—and a twenty percent return on his investment. Once he gets that back, it’s all ours.”