Authors: Yessi Smith
Our a Cappella (7 page)
Nate
“I have cancer.”
There I’ve told everyone. Erin stares at me, betrayal and anger evident in her eyes.
“Cancer?” she spits out at me. “How long have you known?” she asks and I shrug, because she knows me so well she probably already knows I’ve been keepin’ it from her.
Does it really matter
, anyway? From the look in her eyes, apparently it does.
“A couple months,” I mumble, feelin
’ like a child bein’ chastised by his irate mother.
“Fine,” she says with hatred spilling out of her eyes.
“I got cancer, Erin. Not you,” I tell her flatly, knowin’ this whole fucked up situation is hurtin’ her. But Erin does better with anger than hurt so I gear myself up for a fight.
“You’ve had cancer for months.
Months
, Nate,” she says. “You could have gone to the doctor, had surgery, started chemo. Whatever. But you kept quiet. Why?” she asks, her eyes swimmin’ with tears she won’t allow to trickle down her face.
“I didn’t wanna hurt nobody,” I tell her, lookin
’ at anything but her.
“Bull shit,” she says and Tonya chuckles.
Angry, I glare at her. Bull shit? All my life I’ve done what I can to protect her and she calls bull shit?
I watch as Erin lifts herself from my hospital bed and begins to stalk the room, only to be stopped by Trent who holds onto her as if she might break. But she won’t. She’s not built to break. She’s stronger than anyone else in this room. Brave, persistent, compassionate, and loyal.
And that’s why I didn’t want to tell her. I didn’t want the strongest person I know to see me break. The realization makes me hiss in a breath that hurts me so bad it brings tears to my eyes.
Erin spins around at the sound and I’ll be damned how she knows, but she does. The hatred in her eyes is replaced with the same fear I’ve lived with for months. With our roles changed, Erin becomes my protector and sits back on my
bed and holds me as sobs escape and rake my whole body.
I feel her tears fall on my shoulder, but she remains strong, speakin
’ quietly to me as she runs her hand comfortingly over my short hair. I cry my fears and anger away until I’m so exhausted I’m sure the tears will cease, but they continue to roll down my face.
In my sister and best friend’s arms, I cry and only calm down when I
hear her singin’ softly to me. Her soft tone eases the knot that has lived in my stomach for months. Music won’t heal me, but my family will.
I look ov
er to find Tonya, who is sittin’ on the other side of my bed, rubbin’ my shoulder, her eyes intent on me. I let go of Erin so that I can bring Tonya’s hands to my lips, makin’ her blush as Erin watches us with her eyes so wide I’m scared they might pop out.
“You two?” she stutters out, standin
’ up so she can get a better look of us.
Tonya nods her head at us, smilin
’ a smile that speaks more than any words we have shared. Trent holds Erin from behind and kisses her cheek, making me happy she found someone to take care of her and love her through all of her stubbornness asinine ways.
“Good,” Erin nods in our direction and I smile.
If she thinks I’d stop dating Tonya because she didn’t agree, she’d have a good fight on her hands.
Trent
Watching Erin is humbling. She’s a tyrant that resembles a baby Hitler when she's angry. But her heart has no comparison. Once she’s let you in, her love takes over and encompasses you.
That’s what she did for Nate and what I’ll do for her when she cracks. Cracks, not breaks. I’ll hold her in my arms and let her cry the same way she let Nate cry. I already know she’ll need more than a strong shoulder – ahem, me – she’ll need permission. She won’t cry unless I tell her it’s okay to.
For now, I hold her in my arms, her back resting against my chest as we talk to Nate while his dad, Sofia and Shayna rummage the vending machines to allow us the privacy.
“I called Dr. Thompson after I called the ambulance,” Tonya tells us referring to a family friend who is also an oncologist. “He saw Nate and after seeing his scans, wants to do surgery and remove as much of the mass as possible.”
“He’ll send off for a biopsy,” Nate filled in. “An’ then I start chemo.”
“Okay,” Erin nods. “When?”
“We haven’t scheduled surgery yet,” Tonya says as Nate watches her.
The poor bastard’s in love with her and I’d bet my left nut she’s in love with him, too.
“He said he’d make sure I got it done in a week. Two at the most.”
“Okay,” Erin nods again and I feel her energy waning.
“That’s good, man,” I finally speak, probably startling everyone in the room in the process. “You should get your rest,” I say, kissing the back of Erin’s head.
“Yea,” Nate responds his eyes boring into mine, letting me know we still have to speak in private.
“I’ll stay with you,” Erin says.
“Like Hell I’m letting you sleep with my boyfriend,” Tonya replies, making us chuckle.
Without another word, the girls go to the other side of the room where they can talk amongst themselves, giving Nate time to say whatever is on his mind.
With his eyes watching me, I sit down on the chair beside his bed and wait.
“You’ll take care of her,” he says. A statement, not a question. Big brother mode always within an arm’s reach.
I nod my head. “Both of them,” I reply and he nods his head before he closes his eyes.
I take Erin home shortly after Nate has fallen asleep. After tucking Shayna into bed, I take Erin into the bedroom where I slowly take off her clothes.
“I’m sorry, Trent,” she tells me, her eyes apologetic. “I’m just not – ”
I kiss her, interrupting her before she can finish.
“We’re not,” I tell her. “Just let me take care of you.”
She nods her head and rests it on my shoulder before I continue to undress her. I kiss her gently, only wanting to comfort her. I lead her to the bathroom, putting the shower on and removing my clothes as she watches me with curious eyes. I kiss her forehead and take her by the hand so that she follows me into the shower.
Under the water I lather the shampoo into her hair and rinse it thoroughly before conditioning it. Once her hair is clean, I massage the soap onto her back, willing the tension she carries on her shoulders to ease. I smile when I hear a sigh escape her. I continue to bathe my girl, my wife, as she watches me, her eyes glued to my own. She only speaks when I rub my hands between her inner thighs, but I don’t linger there as I normally would. After I finish cleaning her legs, I pick up her feet, one at a time, and kiss her toes so that I can hear her giggle.
I quickly bathe myself and wrap Erin in a towel after shutting off the water. I want her, my heart ramming itself into my chest tells me so, as does the hard on only she can bring out of me. But that’s not how she needs me to take care of her tonight. I dry her off, kissing her nose after I put a shirt on over her head.
As I carry her to our bed, I think of only her. The woman who is the sole purpose to my existence. I
sit her on my lap and with a kiss I tell her the words I know she’s been waiting to hear.
“It’s okay,” I tell her. “Let go.”
And she does. She holds onto me tightly as she cries in my arms, releasing the anger and resentment I know she feels. Because it’s not fair. Nate’s a good man, a good brother, a good friend and it’s not fair that life slapped him with such cruelty. In my arms, she cries away the fear and sadness, until she feels whole again.
Mentally drained, I
lay her down and wrap my arms around her, trying to protect her from her own thoughts.
Erin turns her head around so she can see me. “I love you, Trent. I don’t know how to show you the way you show me. But I love y
ou with every fiber of my being,” she says and closes her eyes.
“I love you, too,” I whisper into her ear and feel the remaining tension ease out of her body as she slips into an easy sleep.
I listen to her breathe as she relaxes further into sleep. I hold onto her tightly, not wanting to wake her, but needing to feel her close to me. I can’t imagine a life in which I can no longer feel the warmth of her body pressed against mine; where I cannot listen to her heart beating against my own; where her scent, so sweet and feminine doesn’t fill me every day.
She says I saved her, but that is a lie. I didn’t know what it meant to be alive until the day I offered Erin my banana.
Shayna
Uncle Nate’s birthday isn’t for a couple days but he has to have an operation so Mommy and I are making him a birthday cake. Or not really a cake, but a pie.
Pecan pie. I don’t like it, but Mommy says it’s his favorite and since it’s his birthday he gets to eat what he likes.
We decorate the
TV room with balloons and I made him lots of pictures that Mommy put up with tape. Daddy fussed that it was gonna tear the paint off the walls, but Mommy doesn’t know how to listen. At least, that’s what Daddy says. But I think Mommy’s hearing is fine.
Uncle Nate was so surprised when he walked in. Pop-pop Dan made his world famous burgers that he used to make at his diner and it was so good, I had two. After dinner, I help Mommy bring out Uncle Nate’s pie and sit on his lap as everyone sings to him.
“You have to make a wish,” I tell him, closing his mouth shut before he can blow his candle.
He closes his eyes for a few seconds and then blows out the candle.
“What’d you wish for?” I ask him but he shakes his head at me.
“If I tell ya it won’t come true, now will it?” He asks and I shake my head at him. He’s right. He’s sneaky, but he’s right. “Do ya
wanna bite?” he asks me when Mommy serves him.
“You get the first piece,” I tell him, explaining the rules of birthday cakes to him.
“I’m allowed to share with my favorite fairy princess though,” he says and I giggle, still shaking my head at him. “Fine,” he says rolling his eyes at me. “I’ll take the first bite,” he says, cutting off a piece with his fork that’s so big I don’t think it’ll fit in his mouth.
I’m about to tell him to be careful when he winks at me and shoves the
whole piece
in his mouth. I watch in wonder as he swallows it with a glass of milk and smiles at me.
“You’re a pig,” I tell him, taking the fork away from him so I can take a much smaller bite for myself.
“I love you, Shayna,” Uncle Nate tells me quietly in my ear. “Don’t you ever forget it, you hear?”
Uncle Nate’s serious tone scares me and I think about the surgery. I wonder if he’s scared. I know it’ll hurt, but Mommy said he was going to be okay and I believe her. Because Mommy knows these things.
“You’re gonna be okay,” I tell him, putting both of my hands on his face the way Daddy does when he wants me to listen carefully.
“Of course I am,” Uncle Nate laughs and kisses my forehead so I smile back at him.
Of course he is.
Nate
I wake up quickly, far too aware of what today is. Fear grips me and I wanna run. Instead arms fold over me, pullin’ me back until I am once again lyin’ on the bed.
“It’s too early,” Tonya whines. “Go back to sleep.”
“I know, Princess,” I say and watch her open one eye.
I’ve called her Princess ever since the night she said she wanted to be called that. Turns out she doesn’t much think of herself as a princess, which is too damn bad, because that’s what she is. My Princess.
Tonya grabs the pillow behind her and smothers me with it.
“Ya
plannin’ on killin’ me ‘fore my surgery?” I ask laughin’ when she yelps. I may have snuck in a quick pinch to her ass for a little emphasis.
“You’re an ass. You know that, right?”
I shake my head
no
at her and grin. “But I got a grab of a mighty fine one,” I say as I grab her butt and squeeze firmly.
“Ugh!” she screams and tries to smother me again with her pillow.
I flip us over so that she is lyin’ flat on her back and kiss her. I don’t just kiss her, but I
kiss
her. I fixate all the emotions I been feelin’ into that one kiss so she don’t ever forget me. Just in case, ya know?
I hear her moan as she wraps her limbs around me. I pull away from her for just a
moment so I can look at her. She’s so damn beautiful. I lower my lips and kiss her softly, caressin’ her face gently as if she were made of glass. Ready for me, she strips herself of the thin material she calls a nighty so that there is nothin’ between us.
Flesh on flesh, I take her slowly
, first with my fingers inside of her and my eyes fixated on her. She screams my name, eager for me to take her as quickly as I normally would. But I take my time, devourin’ every moment with her so that I can take her with me wherever I may go. She grabs my shoulders, demandin’ more so slide my cock between her lips, that are already wet in anticipation. I still move slowly as she holds onto my shoulders. Both of us movin’ together, we are a steady rhythmic dance our bodies know inherently. Sweat builds on my forehead from the restraint I am showin’, but still I do not quicken the speed. I feel hear shudder beneath me before she melts into the sheets. On a roar, my arms give out and I collapse on top of her, completely spent.
I only move when I hear her sniffle and am immediately worried that I have hurt her. I pull her to me, wanting to make it better.
“What is it, Princess?” I ask her, my eyes wide with concern as my heart beats deafeningly in my ears.
“You’re a bastard,” she tells me and hits my chest with far more strength than I imagined.
I kiss her again, hatin’ myself for hurtin’ her.
“I’m sorry, b
aby girl. I swear I didn’t mean to hurt you,” I say pullin’ her to me as she tries to push me away.
“Well you did!” she shouts. “How could you!”
I don’t know what I did to hurt her, but I’d give anything in the world to make it better.
“Tonya, baby, look at me,” I say, holdin
’ on to her chin until she lifts her eyes at me. “I’m sorry, Princess. Please, I’m so sorry.”
“You don’t even know!” she cries, wrapping her arms around my neck as she continues to cry.
“I don’t,” I confess. “Tell me and I swear I won’t do it again.”
“You were saying bye to me,” she sobs. “Just now, with one last good fuck.”
I shake my head at her, only denying some of it. “I ain’t never fucked you, Princess.”
“You don’t get to say goodbye to me. You hear me, you bastard?” she demands and I nod my head.
I’m comin’ out of this whether God wants to or not. This woman scares the shit out of me and there ain’t no way in Hell I’m going against her wishes.
***
The hospital bed is too small, or maybe I’m too big. Either way, I feel claustrophobic in it. I try to focus my attention on my family instead of the on goin’ hustle of the hospital or the antiseptic smell that has invaded my nostrils.
Fuckin’ hospitals. I hate ‘em.
Tonya went to the hospital with me and hasn’t left my side. She’s fussed over everything, includin’ my gown which I demanded she take a picture of me with. She rolled her eyes at me, but took the picture anyway. I can’t be one hundred percent on this, but I’m pretty sure she saved it as her screensaver.
My Pop is trying to act all nonchalant-like but his wrench-hard grip on Sofia’s hand hasn’t passed me by. Trent lightens the mood when he arrives with jokes I’m grateful for but don’t pay much attention to. At least he’s got Pop
laughin’.
Like an anchor I never knew I wanted, Tonya holds me down, runnin
’ her fingers through my shaved hair. She sits on my bed and talks to Erin as she casually touches me. My hand, arm, or face. Her touch sooths me and somehow, I fall asleep listenin’ to my family talk about nothin’ of importance.
I only awake when I hear Tonya tell Erin not to wake me. I squeeze her hand and wink at her.
“I ain’t sayin’ goodbye, Princess,” I tease her. “But I do wanna kiss so quit bein’ a pain in the ass and git over here.”
She smiles at me and jumps on my bed to kiss me in a way no one should be kissed when in public. I grab her ass for good measure and almost cancel the whole surgery when she licks her lips at me and smiles that damn smile. I know what she’s thinkin’ and now she knows what I’ll be thinkin’ when they wheel me away.
I hear Trent chuckle and focus my attention on my sister while I keep a firm hold on Tonya’s hand.
“Don’t
cha go cryin’ on me now,” I tell her and she smiles.
“Over you?” she scoffs. “Not in a million lifetimes,” she says and hugs me tightly. “I love you.”
“Love you, too,” I tell her, shutting my eyes as I hold on to her.
I hug Pop and Sofia.
Shayna is at school but I seen her last night and spoil’t her with baby dolls. Trent is last in line and I know he knows what I mean when I grip his shoulders. He nods his head and I feel better.
Once they leave, I notice a piece o
f paper with Erin’s neat hand writing on it. I grin and open it.
Big brother,
There are no words to express how you helped me heal and become whole. I hope you keep yourself open and trust in your heart. Show your maturity and read this:
Typewriter Series #655 by Tyler Knott Gregson
“There’s a reason for the cage of ribs around our hearts.
There’s a secret that never started as one
but in forgetting,
became the one we keep from ourselves.
That our ribcage is a bird cage, rusted metal
and squeaking hinge, and our heart is a bird.
Our memories line the bottom of our swinging cage
like newspaper and torn shreds of torn wishes,
the steady wing beat echoes in the hollow of our chest.
Listen to the sound, the frantic and desperate flapping
when our heart, our bird finds another
and feels the wind from their wings stretched and hopeful.
Listen to the sound when their song becomes our song
and they sing together.
Can we open the gates to these rib cages
and with message wrapped tight to feet
send our birds out to explore?
Will we feel our birds when they fall madly in love
with the world, with their own flight, with another?
Will we have the courage to keep those gates open
and let our birds fly?
Are we given the keys to these gates,
are they built in and left dangling around our necks
or are they hidden with the secret that never started as one
but in forgetting became the one that we still
keep from ourselves? Will we always?
Our ribs ache for longer than we can admit
and somehow, sometimes we lose those keys
to those gates and those hearts
those birds forget how to fly.
We cannot let our birds fall with their feathers
ancient and loose with a lack of use;
we cannot let them bury themselves in the memories
the torn shreds of torn wishes
that line the bottoms of these rib cages.
Reach into your chest and tear the gates down
shake life into your heart and throw it to the air.
Let falling become flying
because they never forget how.
Let falling become flying
and don’t wait, never wait
for your bird to come home.
There’s no reason for the cage of ribs
around our hearts.”
Thank you for helping me open up my so that I could eventually fall. I’ve never been happier. Now, it’s your turn. So man up.
Love you always,
Your annoying little sister
I refold Erin’s note and clench it in my fist as the nurse takes me to the operation room. We ain’t sayin’ goodbye, I remind myself. There’s too much left unsaid for this to be goodbye.