Out Late with Friends and Regrets (19 page)

“So!”

Ellie’s face, expression in neutral, looked down at her.
 
Ellie was up. Damn; Fin had lost the initiative, and now the whispered sorry in a sleepy ear before leaving was denied her.
 
Of course, that was also the cowardly option; she should expect to face the music.

“So!” said Ellie again, “How are we this morning?”

Fin couldn’t think of anything to say, and groaned instead.

“Dear God,” said Ellie, recoiling, “if I may say so, Fin, your breath smells like a very bad case of overflowing drains.”

Fin, her misery complete, turned her face to one side and attempted to say “I’m sorry,” but it emerged as a pathetic whimper, and was dangerously near to being accompanied by a tear of self-pity.

“Rule One of sharing a night of unbridled passion with someone for the first time...”

Fin shuddered.

“...is, get up early, go to the loo, have a wash and
clean your teeth
. Then get back into bed.”

Fin rolled out of bed on to her hands and knees.
 
When the white noise in her head greyed off slightly, she grasped the edge of the bed and struggled to her feet, helped by Ellie.
 
She shuffled to the bathroom, unable to stifle little oofs of distress.
 
After sitting bent double on the loo for a couple of minutes, wondering if she was going to be sick or not, she focused on her sponge bag by the basin, and with an effort stood up and flushed the pan.
 
She washed her face and cleaned her teeth for rather longer than usual, then filled the tooth mug and drank the water gratefully. All her muscles were aching, especially down the insides of her thighs, and it felt as if she might never walk normally again.
 
A further minute was spent carefully sponging her personal bits with warm water, and then she faced the mirror.
 
Not a pretty sight. Ravaged, raddled, ratted. Hair standing up in neglected tufts. She tried to calm it with damp fingers, and suddenly felt exhausted from these small tasks.

Ellie was back in bed, and Fin tried not to meet her eyes as she slowly crossed the room, her nakedness not causing her nearly as much self-consciousness as the sight of that bed.
 
She almost tripped over something on the floor and looked down.
 
Purple, glittery purple, six inches long with a rounded tip and slightly curved. Her insides remembered it, and she felt the heat rise in her cheeks as more fragments of memory helpfully offered themselves for examination.

“Don’t just stand there looking spare, woman,” said Ellie, “get in! We might as well have ourselves a lie-in.”

Fin crept in under the duvet, lying along the edge of the bed and trying to recruit appropriate phrases. Finally she said: “Ellie, I am truly, truly sorry-”

“
What
?”

“I can only apologise”

“Apologise?”

“My behaviour was-”

“Extremely randy, actually.
 
I was staggered!”

“I just don’t know what came over me, I just kind of flipped.”

To Fin’s surprise, Ellie laughed.

“What are you
like!
” she snorted, “The quiet ones are definitely the worst!”

“I don’t think I’ll ever get over trying to give you one in the taxi. What must the driver have thought?”

“Ah. Well I think the question we actually have to ask ourselves here is, do we give a stuff what the driver thought? Is it important to us? Will it in fact change our lives in any material way?”

“Ellie, really. You must have been so embarrassed.”

“A tiddy bit surprised, yes. Embarrassed, no. You seem to forget I was almost as off my tits as you were, my darling.”

“Supposing one of your neighbours had come out on to the landing, and me doing a strip – oh, my God, I can’t bear to think...”

“Come on, Fin, now you’re just wallowing in it. Nobody saw, everything that took place between these four walls was between consenting adults, and I pride myself that you’ve just experienced a masterclass in the Sapphic arts, all free with a jolly good dinner thrown in. Now
that’s
what I call a
result!
”

Despite herself, Fin giggled weakly.

“I was just going to say I hope I can remember it all, but I don’t know if I can cope with the guilt.”

“Bloody Catholics,” commented Ellie cheerfully.

“Lapsed.”

Ellie’s face was alight with amusement.

“Lapsed! Yeah, well, I’ve always been an admirer of understatement!”

She sank back on the pillow, sighed, and stretched, throwing her right leg over Fin’s left. They lay like that for a while, Ellie with her eyes closed and Fin staring at the ceiling. Soft, purring snores began to creep from Ellie’s slightly parted lips. The leg was beginning to feel heavy across Fin’s shin, and she slowly wriggled it free.

Ellie woke with a start, and looked at her bedside alarm clock.

“Hey, it’s getting on for twelve – let’s get some brunch, shall we?” she said, springing out of bed with daunting energy.

Sitting at Ellie’s kitchen table, munching warm pain au chocolat and sipping strong Italian coffee, Fin was surprised anew at the recovery potential of the human body.
 
The window was open, sunshine and the murmur of Sunday in the city drifting in over the sill. Fin allowed herself a few moments of contentment, pushing to the back of her mind her concerns regarding the changed situation between the two of them.

Finally she said: “Ellie.”

“Uh-huh?”

“I don’t quite know how to put this, but...”

“You know me, kid. Out with it, straight and true.”

“I just wanted you to know that... that I wasn’t actually looking for a relationship with you... I mean, I fancied you like crazy last night, but...”

“You don’t actually fancy me now you’re sober.”

“No. That is, I mean you
are
so fanciable, you really are-”

“Last night was a one-off, then, as far as you were concerned.”

“Yes. That is, it was fantastic, from what I remember, but-”

“You were so desperate, anyone would have done.”

“Not exactly, Ellie. You
are
special, very special to me-”

“So you used me,
your friend
, for sex, a one-night stand, a casual fling, isn’t that right?”

“Oh God.”

“Bad form, Fin, very bad form.”

“It won’t happen again, honestly.”

“I have to tell you, I feel
so
used.”

At this point, Fin detected a wobble in Ellie’s voice, and looked up, to see her mentor’s face screwed up in her effort not to laugh.

“You – you fucking sadist!”

“Had you going, didn’t I?”

“I hate you!”

“Fin, you idiot. Listen to Momma. It’s OK to have a thing with someone you’re not actually madly in love with, as long as everybody knows where they stand.”

“Or lie down.”

“Quite. What’s not on, of course, is pressing your suit when the other party is clearly unwilling.”

“Naturally, though what ironing’s got to do with it-”

“Yes, I am stating the obvious, aren’t I. And I suppose it’s a bit me-pot, you-kettle territory as well, if I’m honest. I haven’t always behaved well with lovers.”

“Can you wait just a sec, Ellie, while I get my micro-recorder, and perhaps you’d be kind enough to repeat that bit about not behaving well? I’m here to learn.”

“C’mon, idiot, let’s get dressed and hit the park. That’ll clear our heads.”

Hitting the park evidently entailed jogging along the footpath by the river for what felt like several miles, before Ellie allowed them to walk and then sit on a bench, watching the two small children of a young family feeding a group of squabbling ducks. Fin was oddly touched when Ellie stroked her hand, and held it for a minute.

“You know what, Fin?” she said, looking out over the winking water, “You’re an absolute natural. I’ve had my fair share of partners, some of whom were skilled and experienced lovers. But there’s a real difference between sexy and sensual, and you’re a woman who makes that distinction.”

“You’re saying I’m not sexy?”

“No, of course I’m not. And this is serious comment, by the way. Some women are sexy. And a few are not
just
sexy, they’re
also
sensual, which takes the experience up several notches, to something very special.”

“I’ll get a swelled head at this rate.”

“Many times, I’ll bet.”

“I must admit, I feel a lot more confident about the whole sex side of things. There’s a lot that translates very easily from straight stuff, even if all you’re doing is things that men
ought
to be doing to women, and mostly don’t. And it’s all so wonderfully reciprocal.”

“Yes. Forget the training manual, anyway. You seemed confident enough with me last night, with or without accessories!”

“Probably because you’re my friend and I trust you. I do remember thinking yes, this feels totally right, I feel I know what I’m doing. Even when I didn’t, instinct took over.”

“Well, girl, I think we can take it that you’re ready.”

Fin smiled to herself. Yes, this
was
natural to her, this
was
right, as nothing that had gone before had been.

“Happy?” asked Ellie.

“You bet. That’s a major threshold crossed, and now I
know
there’s no going back.”

“Same for me after my first time. It was liberating.”

“Had you ever had sex with a man, before that?”

“Twice and a half.”

Fin laughed.

“Once nearly and twice really?” she suggested.

“That’s it. The ‘nearly’ was a ghastly teenage fumble-fuck that failed at the last minute. We were both so embarrassed, we never spoke again. The two were with my one and only real boyfriend – he was such a gentle, decent bloke, but I had this overwhelming feeling of wrongness, and I knew if I didn’t tell him goodbye I’d end up being vindictive and horrible, and he didn’t deserve that.”

“You’re a saint. So even you didn’t know right from the beginning? That’s a surprise, I’d kind of thought of you as emerging from your mother’s womb with your Doc Martens on.”

“Don’t underestimate the power of culture,” said Ellie. “My Pa was here and there all over the world when I was a kid, so I was brought up by my mum and my Jamaican Grandma. Then I got sent away to a very strict school. I hardly knew what a lesbian was till I got to uni.”

“Wow.”

“Don’t forget, Fin, we’re fairly similar in age, and there simply wasn’t the open debate back then that there is now. People take their choices for granted. They just don’t realise what it used to be like.”

Fin would have loved to get Ellie talking about her background, but the moment was over. Ellie got up, saying, “Come on, you. I’ve got a stack of marking to do and you’ve got to get your arse back to... where was it, Little Frotting in the Hollow, or something?”