Out of Mind (24 page)

Some twenty-year-old brat kid looked over at her, his mouth ajar. It took all my control not to punch the fucker in the face. Those noises were for me. Or, at least, they had been, once upon a time. Another dude looked over, and he looked vaguely familiar to me. He’d been at the beach the other day, when Carrie and I had been surfing.

Coincidence…or not?

I looked back at Carrie, forcing myself to pretend I didn’t notice him. “You’re playing a dangerous game, Ginger.”

She patted at her lips with a napkin, never looking away from me. “I have no idea what you mean. I’m just eating.” She leaned in. “Unless you have something to admit to, Coram?”

“Not at all,” I said, smiling. I reached out and ran a thumb over her lower lip. “Sorry. You had a little something on your lip.”

Her eyes were blazing at me now. “Oh, really?”

“Really,” I said as innocently as I could manage. I sucked on my thumb, licking away all traces of her. “Mm. Tastes good. Almost as good as you do.”

She gasped, looking over her shoulder as if scared someone might have heard. “You’re…you’re so…”

“Perfect? Funny? Adorable?”

“
Annoying
,” she offered. But the sparkling in her eyes ruined the anger effect she was trying to give off. “Incorrigible. Ridiculous.”

I lifted a shoulder, my heart soaring.
Fuck me
. Did I really just think that my heart soared? What the hell was wrong with me? “I can live with those titles, Ginger.”

She rolled her eyes. “Of course you can.”

“I’m also stubborn. I don’t give up easily. Remember that one, too.”

She froze with the burger in her mouth. As she took a bite, chewing slowly, I let her absorb that information. I bit down on my burger, studying her as I did so. She looked at me like someone who wanted to be more than friends would, but I didn’t point that out. “You know we can’t be more than buddies.”

I swallowed. “Funny, I heard you said the same thing to Riley the other day when he left.”

She stomped her foot. “Oooh, I’m going to
kill
Hernandez.”

I laughed. “It’s not his fault. I’m irresistible to him, too.” I pointed my burger at her. “You should add that to your list of my faults.”

She snorted. “Yeah. I’ll get right on that.
Not
.”

We ate our burgers in silence, no more competitive sexual groaning going on, but I sensed her watching me the whole time. Every time I looked at her, she quickly turned away. As if she didn’t want me to know she watched me. She shouldn’t have bothered with the attempted subterfuge. I could feel her eyes burning into me.

After we were finished, I picked up my lemonade. “This was nice.”

“Yeah.” She leaned back in the booth. “What are you doing with your life? Are you still in the Marines?”

I shook my head, my heart twisting. I still couldn’t believe I was out. Honorable discharge and all that, but still. It was so fucking weird. “No. I got honorably discharged, so there wasn’t any shame or anything.”

She blinked at me. “Oh. So you’re actually out?”

“I’m out.”

“Are you still in security?” she asked, pursing her lips. Her eyes were narrowed, as if she was figuring something out. “Or do you want to be?”

“No, I’m not still in security. I’m currently jobless.” I looked where the guy who’d set my teeth on edge earlier had been. He was gone. I relaxed slightly. “I got offered a job, but I turned it down.”

She picked up her lemonade and finished it. “Why?”

“It was in Chicago.”

“Ah.” She
clunked
the cup down. “No surfing.”

I hesitated. Should I be honest? I had nothing to lose anymore. Nothing at all. “No, there’s no you.”

She froze. “What do you mean?”

“I didn’t want to go there because you weren’t there.” I grabbed her hand, squeezing it between both of mine. I still had scars on my knuckles from the night I’d gone insane in her parents’ house. Did they stand out to her as much as they stood out to me? “I wanted to be here with you. I
need
to be near you to live.”

She pulled free. “I know what this is all about. Dad hired you again, didn’t he? You’re guarding me again and don’t want to tell me.”

I choked on a laugh. “What? Are you fucking crazy?
No
. He didn’t contact me, and I haven’t talked to him since I left. Why would he? He fired me.”

“I don’t believe you. You told me you didn’t love me anymore. You looked me in the eye and said it.” She pressed her lips together. “Now you want to live near me? It makes no sense.”

My stomach hollowed out. “I didn’t mean it. I was trying to save you. I never stopped loving you, and none of the things that happened to me were your fault.”

“Yes, they were.”

“No. They. Weren’t.” I locked gazes with her. “I only said that because I knew you’d believe it. I knew you felt bad, so I used that against you. I’m sorry for that, too, but I never stopped loving you. I lied about that.”

“Stop.” She reared back, her face pale. “Just stop.”

“
I can’t
.” I pressed a hand to my heart. “No one will love you like I do, Ginger. I always have. I always will. Even if you hate me for the rest of your long, healthy life, I’ll still love you forever. I don’t know how to stop. I can’t.” I reached into my pocket and pulled out a note I’d written her. “Read this later. Please?”

She made a broken sound and slid out of the booth without taking the note. “I can’t do this—can’t love you like you want me to. I told you, I’m done with love. It
hurts
too much. I made up my mind. You need to stop coming to my dorm. Stop begging me to forgive you. Stop trying to be my friend. Just stop everything.”

She bolted for the door. I tossed some cash down on the table and followed her, grabbing the note on my way out, my heart shattering into a thousand pieces even as it sped up. I had a bad feeling that something was about to happen. And when I got that feeling, I was usually right. I followed her out into the dull afternoon sun, scanning the crowd for any signs that something might be amiss.

Nothing stood out to me, except I didn’t see Hernandez. That might be nothing, since he knew she was with me, but it might
be
something, too. I shot him a quick text, keeping my phone in my hand as I followed Carrie.

When she saw me behind her, she glowered at me and hurried her steps. She rifled in her purse, pulled her phone out, and put it to her ear. When she stopped walking and stood there, talking rapidly while scanning the crowd, I stopped, too. Talking into her phone, she nodded before heading for the exit. I trailed her, keeping a good distance behind her. Hernandez was missing, so like it or not, I was kind of her guard right now.

She must have spotted me following her, because she whirled on her heel. “Finn. Go. Away. You promised you would after this.”

“I will, but not until you’re home.”

“I will be soon.” She gripped her bag tight, not meeting my eyes. “Marie is coming for me.”

I crossed my arms and searched the crowd. No sign of the dude who had caught my attention, but another man I didn’t know stood to the side, watching Carrie way too fucking closely for my liking. “Fine. But I’m not leaving until she does. I think someone’s wa—”

“I thought you weren’t my freaking guard anymore,” she snapped, eyes flashing. Her red hair blew in the breeze, and she looked picture perfect. I wanted to kiss that frown right off her face, in front of everyone in this outdoor mall. “Yet here you are, guarding me yet again.”

I twisted my lips. “Hernandez didn’t come, so I have to watch over you. And I saw someone—”

“Actually, you don’t.” She tossed her hair over her shoulder. “I’m fine alone.”

“Jesus, woman, will you let me fucking talk?” Which reminded me why I’d written the note in the first place. So I could get all my words out like Dr. Montgomery suggested. I stepped closer, towering over her short frame. I shook the note in front of her face. “Take this.”

“No.” She shook her head. “I don’t want it. It won’t change anything.”

I opened it. “Dear Ginger,” I started. “I know I was wrong when I left you. I know I broke your heart, but the thing is? I broke mine more. I can’t live without you. When I wake up, you’re there—but you’re not there. When I laugh at something on TV, I look to your spot on my couch to see if you laughed too—but you’re not there. When I roll over in bed, I stretch my hand out, looking for your smooth skin—but you’re not there.”

“Oh my God, stop.” She covered her ears, tears streaming down her flushed face. “
Please
.”

Pain sliced through me, but there was no way in hell I would stop now. “Even when I was out of my fucking mind with grief and rage, even when I wanted to fucking die and almost did, you saved me. I was going to end it all the night you saw me outside you room, but when I stood in the store picking out a rope—you were there. You
saved
me. You didn’t ruin me. You are all I need in my life to live, and without you, I’m not living. Without you—”

“Wait. Y-You wanted to
die
?” She took a step toward me but stopped herself short. “You almost killed yourself?”

She was close enough for me to touch her now.

I didn’t.

“I’m not done yet.” I dragged my hands down my face. “Without you, I will never be whole, because half of me will always be gone. You complete me, and without that, I’ll—”

She pushed my shoulders hard. “Damn you. You can’t
die
.”

I lowered my arm, giving up on reading the letter right now. “I know. And I’m not.” I fisted my hands. “I’m here, watching you hate me, and I’m not going anywhere. It’s my turn to have the broken heart. I can handle that. But it won’t make me stop fucking caring, damn it.” I lifted my arm. “Without that, I’ll keep living, but I’ll die alone, because no one else will ever replace you. I. Am. Not.
Leaving
. Not this time.” I looked up at her again. “Please forgive me. Please love me again, because I can’t stop loving you. I won’t. I don’t want to be your friend. I want to be your forever. The sun is always shining when I’m with you. Love always, Finn.”

She pushed my shoulders ever harder this time, her wet cheeks shining in the dull sunlight. “Fuck you!”

I stood my ground, even though it hurt to see her look at me as if I was the enemy again. I’d done this to myself. I deserved every second of her anger, and more. It was better than her being upset, if nothing else. I crumpled up the paper in my fist. “That’s what the letter said.”

She growled and smacked my arm. “God, I
hate
you sometimes.”

“I love you all the time,” I said.

“Stop saying that.”

“Or what?” I cocked a brow. “You’ll kiss me into submission, like the good old days?”

Her eyes flared, and she stared at my mouth. I could tell she was contemplating it, so I acted without thinking. I hauled her close, spun her against the wall, and kissed her. Our lips met explosively, fireworks going off and all that sappy, sentimental garbage most women said happened when people kissed.

Thing is? Most of them are lying.

But this was real.

Her hands closed on my shoulders, and for a second I thought she was going to push me away. But then she dug her nails into my skin and hauled me closer, whimpering and parting her lips. I slipped my tongue in with a growl, deepening the kiss until I felt her melt against me. When she was all liquid desire, I cupped her ass and lifted her slightly, needing to feel her against me.

Needing her
.

She gasped and broke off the kiss, her cheeks bright red. “Oh my God.”

“Please.” I kissed her again, soft. My heart thundered in my chest, drowning out the sounds of the people all around us. “Don’t push me away. I
need
you. Love me again, Ginger.”

“Finn…” Her hands hesitated, and she looked up, her blue eyes shining up at me. I held my breath, waiting for her to say
yes
. Hoping she wouldn’t send me away, because it just might rip me in half. “I—”

“Carrie?” Riley said, his voice hard. “Are you okay? Marie sent me here to get you.”

She bit down on her lip hard, still staring at me. But I could see the difference. The moment had passed, and she was going to reject me. She wasn’t looking up at me with warmth. She was scared. Angry. Hurt. But not in love.

It was over.

Oh my God. This was so unfair. I’d been fighting and fighting to move on from Finn when all along…he’d been hiding within me. I thought I could get over him? Well, he’d never left. How could I move on when I was still hopelessly in love with him? The second his lips touched mine, it was like I’d finally come home.

The weight that had been sitting on my shoulders lifted, and I could finally breathe again. It was like I’d been stuck in some deep, endless slumber—and nothing could wake me up but his kiss. Like Snow White or something. That might sound stupid, but it was true. It had always been, and would always be, Finn. There was no escaping it, and if I kept trying, I might drive myself insane in the process.

I could probably love Riley. I could probably be happy.

But he wouldn’t make me feel like
this
.

I looked past Finn to Riley, and I could tell he was upset. He deserved better than this. He deserved to feel this way with a girl who felt this way about him. I let go of Finn, and he stepped back, his head lowered. “I need to…I need…Riley. I have to go to him.”