Outing of the Heart (89 page)
Read Outing of the Heart Online
Authors: Lisa Ann Harper
âWhy don't you put your leg up, Babe? You've been on it a lot today and I'll get us something to drink.'
She helped her over to the chair and then raised her leg onto the edge of the bed. She bent down and lightly kissed the top of her head. âWhat is it you'd like to have â¦?'
As Ten opened her mouth to speak she interrupted quickly with: âBesides that.' This made them both break into helpless laughter, reducing the sexual tension and restoring their former ease. Beer, with a dash of lime juice was a fave at the moment. Sid sat beside her leg and idly played with the toes, protruding from the cast.
âYou know, I remember when these looked like little red sausages; hot and puffy. Now look, she ordered. They sat, contemplating the toes in all seriousness.
âI guess things do get better, gradually,' Ten finished on a sigh.
âOf course they do, Babe. You just have to be patient.'
âI know you're right Sid, but sometimes it gets very hard.' She sipped her drink. âLast night I was wondering if I'd ever get back to dancing.'
âOf course you will,' she butted in, hastening to reassure her.
âOh Sid, it's not that easy, darling,' she cautioned. âI was also thinking about the girls too. I've not seen them since the accident. Dancing was my whole life then.' She looked so dejected; Sid's heart went out to her.
âYou'll dance again, Ten,' she said firmly, her voice ringing with conviction. âYou love it and it means so much, you'll get back to it, of that I'm sure.' She put down her glass and moved over to the side of her chair to hunker down and imprison her hand in hers.
âWhen you love something that much,' and she thought of hers: âYou'll find a way, when the time comes.' She had no realization then, how she would look back on these words; this time of love between them and their positive joy in being together. How she would need to draw on her inner resources to find the courage to carry on.
Now she continued seriously: âIt's best not to look into the future. Just take it one day at a time, like I said.' She laughed at herself and through her laughter bubbled out: âI sound like an AA meeting.' She sobered down, still smiling: âGet well, get healed, get fit.'
In one lithe movement, she rose to her feet and walked over to replenish their glasses. Her back to Ten, busy at the bottles, she threw over her shoulder: âWhy don't you invite your dancing friends to our house-warming?' Ten looked up, startled. “
I guess she's really set on this party, then,”
she thought.
âWell it's obvious you miss them.' Sid had misconstrued the look. âHere's the perfect excuse to be back in touch. That's what I'll be doing with my friends, if we decide to go ahead with it,' she added hastily, remembering they'd not made a decision yet. âAnd I want them to meet you, too.' She returned with the drinks and despite her trying not to look too eager, there was no mistaking the gleam of excitement in her eye.
âBut Honey, my friends are straight,' Tenille protested as she accepted her glass.
âSo what. There're lots of straight people have gay friends.' She returned to her perch on the bedside.
âOh, I don't know,' doubts continued to beset her.
âListen Babe, it's the risk you take.' She took a long draught then set her glass down, giving of her full attention. She held her free hand. âIf they don't like it they can leave. That way you'll know they weren't for you in the first place. If they stay ⦠you know they like you for who you are and your sexual preference won't make any difference.' She sat back, her air candid. âYou might as well find out now, as later. It's no fun living a subterfuge, that's just wearing on the spirit.' She wrinkled her brow in that way she had when she was earnest. âTrying to keep up with the stories you tell and watching your tongue that it doesn't slip; what sort of friendship is that?' she challenged, rather ferociously, Ten thought.
âOkay, okay, I'll think about it. Give me some time,' she pleaded. She needed to get her jumbled thoughts in order. She had spent the previous night thinking all this through, now Sid had brought up a different perspective. Perhaps her approach would be the better way. She wanted to keep her dancing friends and she didn't want to risk loosing them. But if the price of friendship was living a lie, well ⦠she didn't want that either. She needed to draw strength from outside herself, but there was no one she could turn to. She knew where Sid was coming from, perhaps she should settle for that and join her. Wait now, there was Devon. Yes, she would call her next week.
âYou must go get your sleep, Honey,' she looked concerned as she stroked Sid's face and noticed the dark shadows forming under her eyes. âTomorrow's our big day, then you'll never have to leave me again, when you go to bed.' The thought brought a gentle smile to her face.
Sid nodded in agreement as she said: âYes, one last sleep.'
They leaned forward 'til their heads touched, remaining thus as the impact of the changes that were about to affect their lives, hit them. Sid pulled away. âI'll be over as soon as I can,' she promised. âI'll take the last of my gear to the house, then come straight here for you.' One more kiss, a brief goodbye and she was gone.
Each now would be about her business; the tasks separate, but the goal shared. They were getting ready to set up their apartment together. The all-important task of laying the foundation of their joint lives was about to begin.
She helped her over to the chair and then raised her leg onto the edge of the bed. She bent down and lightly kissed the top of her head. âWhat is it you'd like to have â¦?'
As Ten opened her mouth to speak she interrupted quickly with: âBesides that.' This made them both break into helpless laughter, reducing the sexual tension and restoring their former ease. Beer, with a dash of lime juice was a fave at the moment. Sid sat beside her leg and idly played with the toes, protruding from the cast.
âYou know, I remember when these looked like little red sausages; hot and puffy. Now look, she ordered. They sat, contemplating the toes in all seriousness.
âI guess things do get better, gradually,' Ten finished on a sigh.
âOf course they do, Babe. You just have to be patient.'
âI know you're right Sid, but sometimes it gets very hard.' She sipped her drink. âLast night I was wondering if I'd ever get back to dancing.'
âOf course you will,' she butted in, hastening to reassure her.
âOh Sid, it's not that easy, darling,' she cautioned. âI was also thinking about the girls too. I've not seen them since the accident. Dancing was my whole life then.' She looked so dejected; Sid's heart went out to her.
âYou'll dance again, Ten,' she said firmly, her voice ringing with conviction. âYou love it and it means so much, you'll get back to it, of that I'm sure.' She put down her glass and moved over to the side of her chair to hunker down and imprison her hand in hers.
âWhen you love something that much,' and she thought of hers: âYou'll find a way, when the time comes.' She had no realization then, how she would look back on these words; this time of love between them and their positive joy in being together. How she would need to draw on her inner resources to find the courage to carry on.
Now she continued seriously: âIt's best not to look into the future. Just take it one day at a time, like I said.' She laughed at herself and through her laughter bubbled out: âI sound like an AA meeting.' She sobered down, still smiling: âGet well, get healed, get fit.'
In one lithe movement, she rose to her feet and walked over to replenish their glasses. Her back to Ten, busy at the bottles, she threw over her shoulder: âWhy don't you invite your dancing friends to our house-warming?' Ten looked up, startled. “
I guess she's really set on this party, then,”
she thought.
âWell it's obvious you miss them.' Sid had misconstrued the look. âHere's the perfect excuse to be back in touch. That's what I'll be doing with my friends, if we decide to go ahead with it,' she added hastily, remembering they'd not made a decision yet. âAnd I want them to meet you, too.' She returned with the drinks and despite her trying not to look too eager, there was no mistaking the gleam of excitement in her eye.
âBut Honey, my friends are straight,' Tenille protested as she accepted her glass.
âSo what. There're lots of straight people have gay friends.' She returned to her perch on the bedside.
âOh, I don't know,' doubts continued to beset her.
âListen Babe, it's the risk you take.' She took a long draught then set her glass down, giving of her full attention. She held her free hand. âIf they don't like it they can leave. That way you'll know they weren't for you in the first place. If they stay ⦠you know they like you for who you are and your sexual preference won't make any difference.' She sat back, her air candid. âYou might as well find out now, as later. It's no fun living a subterfuge, that's just wearing on the spirit.' She wrinkled her brow in that way she had when she was earnest. âTrying to keep up with the stories you tell and watching your tongue that it doesn't slip; what sort of friendship is that?' she challenged, rather ferociously, Ten thought.
âOkay, okay, I'll think about it. Give me some time,' she pleaded. She needed to get her jumbled thoughts in order. She had spent the previous night thinking all this through, now Sid had brought up a different perspective. Perhaps her approach would be the better way. She wanted to keep her dancing friends and she didn't want to risk loosing them. But if the price of friendship was living a lie, well ⦠she didn't want that either. She needed to draw strength from outside herself, but there was no one she could turn to. She knew where Sid was coming from, perhaps she should settle for that and join her. Wait now, there was Devon. Yes, she would call her next week.
âYou must go get your sleep, Honey,' she looked concerned as she stroked Sid's face and noticed the dark shadows forming under her eyes. âTomorrow's our big day, then you'll never have to leave me again, when you go to bed.' The thought brought a gentle smile to her face.
Sid nodded in agreement as she said: âYes, one last sleep.'
They leaned forward 'til their heads touched, remaining thus as the impact of the changes that were about to affect their lives, hit them. Sid pulled away. âI'll be over as soon as I can,' she promised. âI'll take the last of my gear to the house, then come straight here for you.' One more kiss, a brief goodbye and she was gone.
Each now would be about her business; the tasks separate, but the goal shared. They were getting ready to set up their apartment together. The all-important task of laying the foundation of their joint lives was about to begin.
PART III
CHAPTER 14
Mrs. Sandrelli came down to see Ten that morning.
â
Cara
, here is a little something from me.' She handed over a foil container. She couldn't see the contents.
âMrs. Sandrelli, thank you so much. What is it?'
âI make you some lasagne for your lunch in your new home. I have liked having you down here,' looking about her at all the signs of a move. âWe may not let this apartment for a while,' a deep sigh. âI don't know, it depends if we find someone as nice as you.' This time a smile and an embrace, Italian style; a kiss on each cheek. “
She's such a lovely girl,”
she thought.
“Squisita. It gives you pleasure just to look at her and when she smiles at you ⦠why it's like the whole world has lit up. She has such a beautiful nature to go with it. So innocent, so genuine. Too many of our Italian girls are calculating. Always trying to snare a man with their feminine wiles. Tenille doesn't show anything of that sort. It's a wonder some man hasn't snapped her up by now. Funny, she doesn't even have boyfriends âphoning or hanging around. Such a good girl.”
âI've enjoyed my stay here too, Mrs. Sandrelli,' Ten nodded in assent. âYour house has always welcomed me. You never made me feel like an intruder, although I know it's hard to have a stranger in your midst.' She felt a heavy sadness envelop her at the prospect of this parting. âI'll give you my new phone number as soon as I get it,' she promised: âThen you must visit.' In her heart she doubted if this would ever eventuate, but in the pathos of the moment, both women felt their association must continue.
âAnd you come visit me too, Tenille; tell Serafina how you coming along, if you dancing again.' The older woman put her arm around the slim shoulders and gave a gentle squeeze toward her ample bosom.
âI don't know if I'll ever dance again, Mrs. Sandrelli,' she said dolefully, âbut I do thank you so much for your many kindnesses. Especially for all the work you did sewing for me.'
âOf course you'll get to dance again,
Cara
, and you will look as beautiful as ever in your dresses, especially the turquoise one. That's my favorite.'
âYes, it's very dramatic.' She drew a long breath. âI packed them early on, between layers of tissue. They're over at the apartment already.' Serafina could see the hopelessness in her dark eyes and wished there were something she could do to lift her spirits.
âWhat do you have left to do?' she enquired. âCan I help with anything?'
âThank you, but I think everything's all in order. Sidonie will be here shortly after lunch to take this.' She indicated the remaining boxes and cases with a sweep of her hand. âShe's also going to make a final clean for me. It's been difficult while I've been on crutches to do a thorough job.'
âDon't worry about the vacuuming, Tenille, I can do that.'
âNo. No, I don't want you to. You have enough housework of your own,' she was adamant. She wanted this place spotless when she left.
âWell, if you find yourself running out of time, you know you can leave it. I'll see you again when you go.'
The door closed and Ten set about cleaning the bathroom, then moved on to the kitchen. She worked hard and despite having to favor her leg had it all done by the time Sid arrived. Just the inside of the fridge to be seen to, once the contents were placed in the cooler.
Sid's face was beaming. âHow're we doing Precious?' she enquired after a big hug and a long kiss.
âOn schedule, darling. And. Mrs. S. has made us her delicious lasagne for lunch in our new house.' She pointed out the foil container on the counter.
âThat's cool. Great woman. Her heart is certainly in the right place,' she approved. âI'll put your stuff from the freezer in here, then the lasagne on top.' She got happily on with the job, moving to the vacuuming as Ten finished off the cleaning. Their mood could not have been more congenial. The radio was playing and both were singing along with the featured artist, Alison Moyet, in an Eighties retrospective, really getting into it when she sang, ONLY YOU, from her time with Yazoo. There was no stopping for drinks. It was out of here as fast as possible and into the new home. A shared space; a place of their own.
âI'm going to load up the car, you take a last look around,' Sid suggested. âMind you, if there should be anything left behind, I'm sure Mrs. S. won't mind us returning for it.'
Ten stood alone; the bed stripped, kitchen cupboards empty, all signs of her presence erased. A lot had happened to her since that fateful Saturday, ten months ago. That first inspection with Marissa; the meeting with Serafina Sandrelli. She thought of Furio and wondered idly how he was getting along. Mrs. S. never spoke of him and she never asked.
There was nothing left but to close the door on this chapter of her life. Regrets? Far from it. The next was anticipated with eagerness. âAll set, then?' Sid's voice broke into her reverie. âShall we go â¦' she hesitated, â â¦Â home?'
She collected her canes and moved towards the stairs calling out: âWe're leaving now, Mrs. Sandrelli.' Serafina appeared immediately. Ten pulled a sheet of paper from her pocket saying: âThis is my new address should any mail arrive for me, though I doubt it.'
âOh yes. I'll keep it on my cork board.' She accepted the note, then proceeded rather formally with: âI wish you well in your new apartment and may the Virgin Mary bless you.' She thanked her and they both shook hands. Serafina closed the door behind them.
This was it. There was no turning back. The two of them sat in silence on the journey over. Each had her own thoughts, as she confronted this moment. A defining point in her life; a point of âno return'. Their future lay in an old house on Robina Avenue. Each in her own way had made a commitment. It had not been publicly witnessed or sanctioned, but it was binding on them nonetheless. Ten reached out to hold Sid's hand and experienced an aching rush of love. She vowed she would dedicate her life to making this girl happy and she would do all she could to be what she wanted of her. This passionate, sheltering love, had entered her very blood stream and was now an integral part of her being.
Sid gave Ten's hand a brief squeeze before returning to the steering wheel, her breath tight in her throat. This was the moment she had been waiting for, for so long. She had lain awake nights wondering if they'd ever truly get together ⦠now here they were, driving towards their own private sanctuary. Her breath returned ⦠at last they could be totally alone; free to do as they pleased. She gave Ten a flashing glance, quickly shielded. She had confounded herself with her thoughts and now there was nothing to stand in the way of her total abandonment to them. Suddenly, she experienced waves of self-doubt. It wasn't that she didn't want to make love, exactly the opposite. But what were Ten's feelings at this time? Only twice before had they been totally intimate and that experience in Lindsay had left them with a troublesome memory. This time everything had to be right. She felt a sense of panic; it was too important. Ten's hot hand had reassured her, but she felt a coldness within; a sickness of fear. Would Ten want to wait or would she be ready for demonstrations of physical passion as soon as the door closed? Would she expect her to be impatient and jump her bones, or prefer to wait 'til bedtime? She shook her head. Her hands were damp with sweat and her shoulders hunched with tension. This worry was wearing her out. She was being too intense as usual.
âIs anything the matter, darling?'
She heard Ten's question as if from a distance. âNo Sweetness. Why do you ask?' she countered, but her body was still edgy.
âYou sighed.'
âOh, just thinking thoughts I guess,' she supplied, as she managed a crooked, rather unnatural smile.
Ten was perplexed
“Surely she's not regretting this move,”
she feared. They were nearly there and Sid had been silent the whole way. This was so unlike her. She wanted to voice her concern, but lacked the courage to face the response. What would she do if it were not the one she needed to hear?
Each was receding further into her own private world and finding it harder to come out; locked behind a high wall of apprehension. Without realizing it, Sid sighed again, releasing the deep furrows that had formed on her brow and her clenched fingers around the wheel. She would do nothing. Just go about the business of unpacking and settling in and let the chips fall where they might. She reasoned some things could not be ordained, they just had to have the freedom to happen.
Continuing to drive with care, her thoughts enfolded her like a force field. This was the day she had worked toward with such diligence and now she felt exhausted, almost beyond bearing. The vicissitudes of their relationship, her anguish over having to endure that separation, all had taken their toll. Now these cares would soon be over, as would the struggle she had maintained to keep going as normal. With the end in sight, her coping mechanisms were dropping away, leaving bare the true state of her nerves. Her everyday skin felt it had been stripped from her and she was exquisitely tender; intensely vulnerable.
Discreetly, she watched Ten, trying to fathom her innermost desires. She knew that buried deep inside was a core of breathless heat, smouldering and ready to shoot into flame. This sensuality, once unlocked, could threaten to overtake them both in its consuming intensity. It was not to be trifled with; yet did she have the strength to control and guide this torrent of emotion? She knew she had the power to unleash it. She felt brought to the brink, but could pass neither forward nor back, being held in a limbo of indecision, fearful of ruining everything by making the wrong moves.
“Shoot, what a depressing state to sink into,”
she reprimanded herself. This would not do. What would Ten think of the misery guts sitting beside her? It took a great effort of will to bring her unruly emotions under control. “
Goddess Sophia, let me not make a mess of this.”
Passing through their private entrance to the apartment gave Ten a good feeling. Despite the friendliness and support of Mrs. Sandrelli, she relished this new independence. Their comings and goings would be unremarked, no unseen eyes watching, no matter the time of day or night. Although her progress was still slow, mounting the stairs was much easier now.
Sid unlocked the door to reveal boxes stacked in the centre of the living room; the used furniture, delivered yesterday, all over the place. Piles of anonymous packages, added to the first depressing sight of their new domain. It was Ten's turn to sigh.
âLet's unpack the kitchen first,' Sid suggested: âThen we can have a coffee and lunch.'
âGood idea,' she agreed. âI was just wondering where to begin.' She looked about, rather daunted by the magnitude of the project. Unpacking was decidedly easier said than done.
âIt's OK Honey,' Sid comforted her. âWe just start at the beginning and work our way through,' injecting a positive note into her voice to help them over the first hurdle. Ten stationed herself in the kitchen and Sid brought boxes over to her, setting up a garbage bag on a catcher to collect the debris as it was created. Work continued with single-minded dedication until Ten felt they'd done enough and deserved a break. By this time, the bathroom had also been completed to their satisfaction.
âYou sit and put your leg up, I'll make us drinks and heat our lunch.' She moved a coffee table over in front of the low boy.
Ten didn't like to be tilted back, but the separate support for her foot was just right. The dining table had been positioned in front of the large, back window, which allowed an unobstructed view of the yard. It felt good to see trees again, but she stopped short of saying they reminded her of home. Sid didn't choose to sit at the table, but set their lunch out on the small one. Taking the little TV out of its box, she searched for a socket and plugged it in. It should provide a comfortable diversion. Relaxing in front of it would help keep her body and thoughts under control.
âJust like an old married couple,' she laughed. Her face was beginning to lose that strained look. She set the TV on two of the now empty boxes, putting one inside the other for stability.
âDo we have a TV guide?'
âDon't need one. I know they're playing the President's Cup at Gainesville, Virginia, just now. They're into the second day and therefore playing fours. Oh, I hope you like golf?' she asked as an afterthought, raising one eyebrow.
âActually, Sid, I've never watched it,' she confessed. âBut if you like it I'm happy to have it on. There has to be a first time, doesn't there?'
âIt's a great sport,' Sid enthused, pulling up a kitchen chair beside the low boy. âFunnily enough,' she continued, âI have no interest to play golf. Personally I like something more energetic, but I do enjoy watching the Pros.' Although the picture was small the set had good reception and gave out bright color.
âThat's not very comfortable,' Ten observed looking critically at Sid perched on the edge of the seat. âWhy don't you pull over the chesterfield?'
âDon't worry about it, Ten. We'll have to arrange this room to suit us better anyway. This is good enough for now.'
She could feel Sid didn't want her to fuss. There was an abruptness about her she found unsettling. Sid's moods could make her feel uncomfortable, as though she were some sort of spare part with no real function in the scheme of things. All she could do was leave her to herself and concentrate on her own affairs. She hadn't made up a strategy for tonight yet, and by the look of things, it wasn't going to be easy. As she began watching, the action on screen took over and she became totally absorbed, appreciating the beauty of the course, then fascinated by the run of the ball, to see if it dropped into the cup. âDo you know how it got its name, Sid?'
Mrs. Sandrelli came down to see Ten that morning.
â
Cara
, here is a little something from me.' She handed over a foil container. She couldn't see the contents.
âMrs. Sandrelli, thank you so much. What is it?'
âI make you some lasagne for your lunch in your new home. I have liked having you down here,' looking about her at all the signs of a move. âWe may not let this apartment for a while,' a deep sigh. âI don't know, it depends if we find someone as nice as you.' This time a smile and an embrace, Italian style; a kiss on each cheek. “
She's such a lovely girl,”
she thought.
“Squisita. It gives you pleasure just to look at her and when she smiles at you ⦠why it's like the whole world has lit up. She has such a beautiful nature to go with it. So innocent, so genuine. Too many of our Italian girls are calculating. Always trying to snare a man with their feminine wiles. Tenille doesn't show anything of that sort. It's a wonder some man hasn't snapped her up by now. Funny, she doesn't even have boyfriends âphoning or hanging around. Such a good girl.”
âI've enjoyed my stay here too, Mrs. Sandrelli,' Ten nodded in assent. âYour house has always welcomed me. You never made me feel like an intruder, although I know it's hard to have a stranger in your midst.' She felt a heavy sadness envelop her at the prospect of this parting. âI'll give you my new phone number as soon as I get it,' she promised: âThen you must visit.' In her heart she doubted if this would ever eventuate, but in the pathos of the moment, both women felt their association must continue.
âAnd you come visit me too, Tenille; tell Serafina how you coming along, if you dancing again.' The older woman put her arm around the slim shoulders and gave a gentle squeeze toward her ample bosom.
âI don't know if I'll ever dance again, Mrs. Sandrelli,' she said dolefully, âbut I do thank you so much for your many kindnesses. Especially for all the work you did sewing for me.'
âOf course you'll get to dance again,
Cara
, and you will look as beautiful as ever in your dresses, especially the turquoise one. That's my favorite.'
âYes, it's very dramatic.' She drew a long breath. âI packed them early on, between layers of tissue. They're over at the apartment already.' Serafina could see the hopelessness in her dark eyes and wished there were something she could do to lift her spirits.
âWhat do you have left to do?' she enquired. âCan I help with anything?'
âThank you, but I think everything's all in order. Sidonie will be here shortly after lunch to take this.' She indicated the remaining boxes and cases with a sweep of her hand. âShe's also going to make a final clean for me. It's been difficult while I've been on crutches to do a thorough job.'
âDon't worry about the vacuuming, Tenille, I can do that.'
âNo. No, I don't want you to. You have enough housework of your own,' she was adamant. She wanted this place spotless when she left.
âWell, if you find yourself running out of time, you know you can leave it. I'll see you again when you go.'
The door closed and Ten set about cleaning the bathroom, then moved on to the kitchen. She worked hard and despite having to favor her leg had it all done by the time Sid arrived. Just the inside of the fridge to be seen to, once the contents were placed in the cooler.
Sid's face was beaming. âHow're we doing Precious?' she enquired after a big hug and a long kiss.
âOn schedule, darling. And. Mrs. S. has made us her delicious lasagne for lunch in our new house.' She pointed out the foil container on the counter.
âThat's cool. Great woman. Her heart is certainly in the right place,' she approved. âI'll put your stuff from the freezer in here, then the lasagne on top.' She got happily on with the job, moving to the vacuuming as Ten finished off the cleaning. Their mood could not have been more congenial. The radio was playing and both were singing along with the featured artist, Alison Moyet, in an Eighties retrospective, really getting into it when she sang, ONLY YOU, from her time with Yazoo. There was no stopping for drinks. It was out of here as fast as possible and into the new home. A shared space; a place of their own.
âI'm going to load up the car, you take a last look around,' Sid suggested. âMind you, if there should be anything left behind, I'm sure Mrs. S. won't mind us returning for it.'
Ten stood alone; the bed stripped, kitchen cupboards empty, all signs of her presence erased. A lot had happened to her since that fateful Saturday, ten months ago. That first inspection with Marissa; the meeting with Serafina Sandrelli. She thought of Furio and wondered idly how he was getting along. Mrs. S. never spoke of him and she never asked.
There was nothing left but to close the door on this chapter of her life. Regrets? Far from it. The next was anticipated with eagerness. âAll set, then?' Sid's voice broke into her reverie. âShall we go â¦' she hesitated, â â¦Â home?'
She collected her canes and moved towards the stairs calling out: âWe're leaving now, Mrs. Sandrelli.' Serafina appeared immediately. Ten pulled a sheet of paper from her pocket saying: âThis is my new address should any mail arrive for me, though I doubt it.'
âOh yes. I'll keep it on my cork board.' She accepted the note, then proceeded rather formally with: âI wish you well in your new apartment and may the Virgin Mary bless you.' She thanked her and they both shook hands. Serafina closed the door behind them.
This was it. There was no turning back. The two of them sat in silence on the journey over. Each had her own thoughts, as she confronted this moment. A defining point in her life; a point of âno return'. Their future lay in an old house on Robina Avenue. Each in her own way had made a commitment. It had not been publicly witnessed or sanctioned, but it was binding on them nonetheless. Ten reached out to hold Sid's hand and experienced an aching rush of love. She vowed she would dedicate her life to making this girl happy and she would do all she could to be what she wanted of her. This passionate, sheltering love, had entered her very blood stream and was now an integral part of her being.
Sid gave Ten's hand a brief squeeze before returning to the steering wheel, her breath tight in her throat. This was the moment she had been waiting for, for so long. She had lain awake nights wondering if they'd ever truly get together ⦠now here they were, driving towards their own private sanctuary. Her breath returned ⦠at last they could be totally alone; free to do as they pleased. She gave Ten a flashing glance, quickly shielded. She had confounded herself with her thoughts and now there was nothing to stand in the way of her total abandonment to them. Suddenly, she experienced waves of self-doubt. It wasn't that she didn't want to make love, exactly the opposite. But what were Ten's feelings at this time? Only twice before had they been totally intimate and that experience in Lindsay had left them with a troublesome memory. This time everything had to be right. She felt a sense of panic; it was too important. Ten's hot hand had reassured her, but she felt a coldness within; a sickness of fear. Would Ten want to wait or would she be ready for demonstrations of physical passion as soon as the door closed? Would she expect her to be impatient and jump her bones, or prefer to wait 'til bedtime? She shook her head. Her hands were damp with sweat and her shoulders hunched with tension. This worry was wearing her out. She was being too intense as usual.
âIs anything the matter, darling?'
She heard Ten's question as if from a distance. âNo Sweetness. Why do you ask?' she countered, but her body was still edgy.
âYou sighed.'
âOh, just thinking thoughts I guess,' she supplied, as she managed a crooked, rather unnatural smile.
Ten was perplexed
“Surely she's not regretting this move,”
she feared. They were nearly there and Sid had been silent the whole way. This was so unlike her. She wanted to voice her concern, but lacked the courage to face the response. What would she do if it were not the one she needed to hear?
Each was receding further into her own private world and finding it harder to come out; locked behind a high wall of apprehension. Without realizing it, Sid sighed again, releasing the deep furrows that had formed on her brow and her clenched fingers around the wheel. She would do nothing. Just go about the business of unpacking and settling in and let the chips fall where they might. She reasoned some things could not be ordained, they just had to have the freedom to happen.
Continuing to drive with care, her thoughts enfolded her like a force field. This was the day she had worked toward with such diligence and now she felt exhausted, almost beyond bearing. The vicissitudes of their relationship, her anguish over having to endure that separation, all had taken their toll. Now these cares would soon be over, as would the struggle she had maintained to keep going as normal. With the end in sight, her coping mechanisms were dropping away, leaving bare the true state of her nerves. Her everyday skin felt it had been stripped from her and she was exquisitely tender; intensely vulnerable.
Discreetly, she watched Ten, trying to fathom her innermost desires. She knew that buried deep inside was a core of breathless heat, smouldering and ready to shoot into flame. This sensuality, once unlocked, could threaten to overtake them both in its consuming intensity. It was not to be trifled with; yet did she have the strength to control and guide this torrent of emotion? She knew she had the power to unleash it. She felt brought to the brink, but could pass neither forward nor back, being held in a limbo of indecision, fearful of ruining everything by making the wrong moves.
“Shoot, what a depressing state to sink into,”
she reprimanded herself. This would not do. What would Ten think of the misery guts sitting beside her? It took a great effort of will to bring her unruly emotions under control. “
Goddess Sophia, let me not make a mess of this.”
Passing through their private entrance to the apartment gave Ten a good feeling. Despite the friendliness and support of Mrs. Sandrelli, she relished this new independence. Their comings and goings would be unremarked, no unseen eyes watching, no matter the time of day or night. Although her progress was still slow, mounting the stairs was much easier now.
Sid unlocked the door to reveal boxes stacked in the centre of the living room; the used furniture, delivered yesterday, all over the place. Piles of anonymous packages, added to the first depressing sight of their new domain. It was Ten's turn to sigh.
âLet's unpack the kitchen first,' Sid suggested: âThen we can have a coffee and lunch.'
âGood idea,' she agreed. âI was just wondering where to begin.' She looked about, rather daunted by the magnitude of the project. Unpacking was decidedly easier said than done.
âIt's OK Honey,' Sid comforted her. âWe just start at the beginning and work our way through,' injecting a positive note into her voice to help them over the first hurdle. Ten stationed herself in the kitchen and Sid brought boxes over to her, setting up a garbage bag on a catcher to collect the debris as it was created. Work continued with single-minded dedication until Ten felt they'd done enough and deserved a break. By this time, the bathroom had also been completed to their satisfaction.
âYou sit and put your leg up, I'll make us drinks and heat our lunch.' She moved a coffee table over in front of the low boy.
Ten didn't like to be tilted back, but the separate support for her foot was just right. The dining table had been positioned in front of the large, back window, which allowed an unobstructed view of the yard. It felt good to see trees again, but she stopped short of saying they reminded her of home. Sid didn't choose to sit at the table, but set their lunch out on the small one. Taking the little TV out of its box, she searched for a socket and plugged it in. It should provide a comfortable diversion. Relaxing in front of it would help keep her body and thoughts under control.
âJust like an old married couple,' she laughed. Her face was beginning to lose that strained look. She set the TV on two of the now empty boxes, putting one inside the other for stability.
âDo we have a TV guide?'
âDon't need one. I know they're playing the President's Cup at Gainesville, Virginia, just now. They're into the second day and therefore playing fours. Oh, I hope you like golf?' she asked as an afterthought, raising one eyebrow.
âActually, Sid, I've never watched it,' she confessed. âBut if you like it I'm happy to have it on. There has to be a first time, doesn't there?'
âIt's a great sport,' Sid enthused, pulling up a kitchen chair beside the low boy. âFunnily enough,' she continued, âI have no interest to play golf. Personally I like something more energetic, but I do enjoy watching the Pros.' Although the picture was small the set had good reception and gave out bright color.
âThat's not very comfortable,' Ten observed looking critically at Sid perched on the edge of the seat. âWhy don't you pull over the chesterfield?'
âDon't worry about it, Ten. We'll have to arrange this room to suit us better anyway. This is good enough for now.'
She could feel Sid didn't want her to fuss. There was an abruptness about her she found unsettling. Sid's moods could make her feel uncomfortable, as though she were some sort of spare part with no real function in the scheme of things. All she could do was leave her to herself and concentrate on her own affairs. She hadn't made up a strategy for tonight yet, and by the look of things, it wasn't going to be easy. As she began watching, the action on screen took over and she became totally absorbed, appreciating the beauty of the course, then fascinated by the run of the ball, to see if it dropped into the cup. âDo you know how it got its name, Sid?'
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