Outlaw's Bride (27 page)

Ever since Clint had left, Kevin had been behaving much more like himself, relaxed and easygoing. But today, when he stepped inside, he silently turned his hat around and around in his hands.

“Is something wrong?” Mattie asked, genuinely concerned.

He flashed a too-wide smile. “No, no, of course not. What could be wrong?”

Mattie gazed at him through narrowed eyes. “I don't know. That's why I'm asking.”

“Would you like to take a buggy ride?” he blurted. “It's a beautiful day and it would do you good to get out for a little while. In fact, we could go down to that pond Andy and Herman like so well.”

No doubt about it, Kevin was rambling. And when Kevin rambled, he was anxious about something—usually a patient. What was bothering him now?

“That sounds like a wonderful idea. Let me get my bonnet.”

He seemed relieved that she didn't press him further, but Mattie was saving that for the ride. She hurried up to her room and pulled a hatbox down from the top of her armoire. Opening it, she lifted out a wide-brimmed straw hat trimmed with lavender ribbon and deep violet blossoms. It was one of the two extravagances she'd allowed herself with Clint's money. The other was a dress the exact color of the blossoms on her hat. She'd decided to ignore practicality for the first time in years.

She placed the hat at a jaunty angle and tied the ribbons beneath her chin. Staring at her reflection, she couldn't help wondering if Clint would like it. She often imagined herself wearing the new dress and hat as Clint waltzed her across a dance floor. The only time they'd danced, she had worn her filmy nightgown and he only a pair of jeans.

Mattie shoved the memory from her thoughts. That was the past. Today, Kevin awaited her. She turned and a wave of dizziness caught her unaware. She grabbed the bedpost and steadied herself. Her stomach fluttered, threatening to lose the lunch she'd eaten an hour ago.

Folding an arm across her belly, she wondered if she was getting sick. Or perhaps her monthly had finally arrived. Mattie frowned, and counted back the weeks since her last time.

She was three weeks late.

She had only been that late one other time in her life.

“Oh, no,” she whimpered, flattening a hand to her mouth. The room wavered in and out of focus. Her knees crumpled beneath her and she dropped to the edge of her bed.

The bed where
it
had happened.

Clint was finally going to be a father, but he would never know.

Tears welled in her eyes and she blinked back the moisture. What was she going to do? She couldn't stand the thought of the townsfolk whispering about her. Again.

Well, this time she wasn't an infatuated girl who would allow them to bully her into marriage. This time she'd go to a place where no one knew her, where she could pretend to be a recent widow.

Or… she could search for Clint.

No.
She hadn't been a young virgin who didn't understand the consequences. She'd known them only too well. That was the risk she'd accepted in exchange for just one night.

Kevin would be wondering where she was. She should come up with an excuse to get out of the buggy ride, but he would suspect something. Mattie sucked in a deep breath and used the bedpost to pull herself to her feet. Her legs still trembled, but at least they held her upright.

She stepped over to the mirror and, except for a slight pallor, she looked the same. So why did she feel like a completely different person?

“Mattie, are you all right?” Kevin's tentative question from downstairs brought her back to reality.

“I'll be down in a minute,” she called back.

She would accompany Kevin on the ride, but after she returned, she had plans to make. Serious plans involving not just her life, but her son's. She buried her face in her hands. Why had she taken the chance?

Because I love him.

The simple declaration came straight from her soul and gave her courage. Taking a deep breath and pinching her cheeks to give them some color, Mattie strode out of her room and descended the stairs.

Kevin's gaze flickered to her head and he smiled. “Is that a new hat?”

“Yes,” she replied stiffly. “Do you like it?”

“Very much. It matches your eyes.”

Mattie was surprised by the compliment. He'd never made mention of her appearance before, though he often praised her intelligence and common sense. “Thank you.”

He extended his crooked arm and Mattie threaded her hand through it. Grateful for the support, she leaned slightly against him. Although not as tall or as muscular as Clint, Kevin possessed a strength that belied his smaller stature. For a moment she wanted to share her newly discovered secret with him, but quickly thrust the impulse aside. Though compassionate and open-minded, Kevin would probably be disgusted by what she had done.

Kevin assisted her into the buggy, and Mattie adjusted her skirts while he climbed in on the other side. He snapped the reins and the horse drew the buggy down the road.

The early fall day boasted a bright blue sky, and the faint scent of autumn was already evident. Mattie rested a palm against her belly. Clint's child would be born in the spring, when the cycle of the earth was also beginning anew. When seeds would be planted, take root, and grow healthy beneath summer skies.

Where would she be then?

“You're quiet today,” Kevin commented.

Mattie lifted a shoulder nonchalantly. “I've been busy getting the rooms ready for winter boarders. After sitting empty for a summer, they need a good airing out.”

Kevin pressed his lips together.

“All right; I've waited long enough. Tell me what's bothering you,” Mattie said.

“How long have we known each other, Mattie?” He kept his gaze directly ahead.

“About three years, ever since you moved to Green Valley.”

“That seems like enough time for a man and a woman—” He cleared his throat and his Adam's apple bobbed up and down. “For a man and a woman to get to know one another … to find out if they would be … compatible.”

Mattie's heart leapt into her throat and she closed her eyes a moment.
Please don't let him propose.
Though she had hoped for a proposal before, she could never marry him and trick him into thinking the babe she carried was his. That was too cruel to consider.

“What do you think?” he asked.

“Think about what?” Her voice sounded too high.

“Our, er, compatibility. Do you think that our personalities are such that we could make a home and”—he shifted to put some room between them on the seat—“raise a family?”

He made marriage sound like a business transaction. Where was the love? She almost snorted—who was she to accuse him of not loving her? A month ago, when Clint had left, she'd decided to marry Kevin if he asked, knowing she could never love
him
.

And now it was too late for any match—loveless or otherwise.

She thought about his question a moment, determined to be gentle. “We have things in common,” she began carefully. “We both like to help people and we work well together. We enjoy each other's company.”

“Why do I sense a but?” Kevin asked with more perception than she would have given him credit for.

Mattie's stomach churned and she couldn't concentrate. She pointed to a copse of trees. “Let's stop over there. I want to stretch my legs.”

Frowning, Kevin did as she asked and soon halted the horse. He tied the reins to the brake, then hopped down and walked over to Mattie's side to help her down.

Once on the ground, Mattie crossed her arms and noticed Kevin's gaze follow her motions. He quickly looked away from her breasts, but not before Mattie spotted his guilty flush. It seemed Kevin wasn't nearly as passionless as she'd thought—but the observation brought her no comfort.

He was so different from Clint, yet they were both good men. If only she could love Kevin the way she loved Clint.

“Is it him?” Kevin suddenly asked.

Guilt made her cheeks heat and she was tempted to feign ignorance, but Kevin deserved better. “Yes,” she replied.

His lips thinned. “Do you love him?”

She glanced away, at the sunlight shimmering off the babbling water. “Yes.”

The doctor strode to the edge of the brook. Mattie walked over to him. She wished she could give him what he wanted. “I'm sorry, Kevin.”

His hands in his trouser pockets, Kevin stared across the landscape. “He's gone, Mattie.” He brought his tormented gaze back to her. “And I'm here. Do you want to live with a shadow for the rest of your life? Or do you want to share your life with a real flesh-and-blood man?”

Mattie's head ached and she rubbed her brow. Why was this so difficult? Why couldn't he just accept things for how they were?

“It wouldn't be fair to you,” Mattie said.

“And watching you grow old alone when I could be with you is fair?” he demanded. “I care for you a great deal, Mattie—both you and Andy. I'd treat him like my own.”

Mattie rested her palm on Kevin's arm. “I know you would, and you'd be a good father, too.”

He clasped her hands in his gently. “Then marry me, Mattie. Be my wife. We would live and work side by side, and I'd treat you as an equal. You know I would.”

Her throat felt raw. “Yes, I know.” She had to make him see how impossible a marriage would be between them. Did she have the courage to tell him? “I can't marry you, Kevin. I—I think… I'm carrying Clint's child,” she said, her voice trembling.

Kevin simply continued to gaze at her, his expression unchanged. “I understand.”

Mattie's mouth dropped open. “How …?”

“It didn't take a genius to see there was something between the two of you. I had hoped it hadn't gone that far, but …” He paused. “I don't blame you. I blame him and myself. I shouldn't have left him for you to care for.”

She shook her head vehemently. “It's not your fault. If there's any fault, it's mine.”

“It doesn't matter, Mattie. I still want to marry you, and if you agree and we marry fast enough, no one will ever suspect the child isn't mine.”

Disbelief swirled through her. She had been ready to take Andy and leave her home to start over someplace, had acknowledged that as the price she must pay. Now Kevin was offering not only to care for her and Andy, but to accept the baby as his, too. But what if he changed his mind after the child was born?

“The baby will be a constant reminder,” Mattie said.

“The baby is as much yours as his, and I love you.” He paused, capturing her gaze with his. “So I will love your child.”

He'd spoken the word.
Love.

Weakness washed over her and Mattie lowered herself to the ground. She hadn't realized his feelings went that deeply for her. How could she marry him knowing he loved her, but that she could never reciprocate?

“Are you sick?” Kevin asked, squatting down beside her.

“I don't know.” She studied his pale face and the earnest eyes that watched her with understanding and compassion.

Why can't I love him?

Life was so damned unfair.

“If I agreed, I'd feel as if I were taking advantage of you,” she said softly. “And I can't do that.”

He smiled gently and his eyes glittered behind his glasses. “That's one of the reasons I love you, Mattie. You have integrity.”

She smiled wryly. “So why am I sitting here considering your offer, when I'm carrying another man's child?”

“At least you're considering it.” His expression grew solemn and he clasped his hands. “I only have one stipulation.”

Alarm bells clanged in Mattie's head. “What is it?”

“If Beaudry ever shows up again, you can't tell him the child is his.”

C
lint was dusty, exhausted, and hungry when he stumbled across a tiny town in the middle of nowhere. He steered Dakota to the livery and left instructions for the hostler to give her an extra nose bag of grain and a good rubdown. With his saddlebags in one hand and his bedroll in the other, Clint crossed the street to the hotel and registered for a room.